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Some parents prefer the mental abuse of a threatened beating with a stick to the physical abuse of an actual beating with a stick.
Actually, this is probably the most ineffective discipline method. Kids aren't stupid. If all you do is threaten with big empty threats and never carry it out, even 2 and 3 year olds are quickly going to learn that you don't mean what you say and hence they can just ignore you. Never say anything that you have no attention of following through with - whether a threat or a positive promise! Better to not say anything at all; otherwise you risk losing all authority with your kids.
Actually, this is probably the most ineffective discipline method. Kids aren't stupid. If all you do is threaten with big empty threats and never carry it out, even 2 and 3 year olds are quickly going to learn that you don't mean what you say and hence they can just ignore you. Never say anything that you have no attention of following through with - whether a threat or a positive promise! Better to not say anything at all; otherwise you risk losing all authority with your kids.
Says the person who threatened to call the mall police on a 5 or 6 year old!
Um well he's not MY kid, I don't care! Since his mom pretty much said she wasn't going to do anything, the idea at this point was just to scare him off. How is that even related?
Um well he's not MY kid, I don't care! Since his mom pretty much said she wasn't going to do anything, the idea at this point was just to scare him off. How is that even related?
It seems ironic. Did you intend to carry out that threat? Have the kid "arrested" for not playing nicely?
Please try not to judge other parents. This is coming from someone who is probably the worst parent in the world, so you probably would look disapprovingly at me with my 3 kids in the store. Not that I would ever say what the woman said in the original post. But I do have a tendency to raise my voice in the store at times, and I know it's not good. But what? People don't inherently know how to be a parent. I have 3 children, ages 3, almost 4, and 4. Going out with them is a nightmare, because they just aren't obedient. I'm positive it's my fault but I don't know how to change the situation and I know it's only going to get worse. I feel doomed. The almost 4 year old especially has a tendency to take off. So I'm holding onto their hands and then they start dropping to the floor. Let go of the almost-4 year old's hand and he starts walking away fast. Then he'll start running around. I can't run after him very well because the other two kids are here and we all aren't going to start running after him, and I'd likely have everyone splitting up on me. So I raise my voice - "K, come back here!" and he won't. So then as I see him going around the corner I say it louder and start to hurry after him. I'm not even angry; just trying to get him to not be where I can't see him. And he would eventually run back, but we all know that Adam Walsh's kid was taken in the blink of an eye in one of those mall stores. Now the other two start acting up. I'm getting frustrated. I don't spank, I don't really yell at them for not complying. I don't like to use a time out because there are too many things that they do and it takes too long and is too hard to enforce the time out when there are other kids to be managed. I have gotten them to do things by bribery but I don't feel good about that. When you have only one kid you can control them but with 3 it's very very hard and they know it. I don't want them running around in the store and I don't want them to be where I can't see them. My mother used "the look" and counting to 3 and these were very effective on me, but I don't know what she did to get me to that point. My kids could care less about a look. And I have an MD after my name so this should be a piece of cake, right? I try to do creative activities with them, take them places, go to shows and parks, children's museum, read to them, and do all kinds of things to open their minds and help them develop. Minimal tv time. Everything I can think of. My whole existence is for them and to do a good job parenting them. But getting them to comply.... it just doesn't happen. I don't know what other parents do but every day I have a sinking feeling that I am failing them and "doing it wrong". And I just don't have any answers. I've already read a few unhelpful parenting books, probably geared toward people who have only one small child to deal with. And I know the studies even show that spanking is ineffective. So that's not an option, because it's modeling violence but even more so because it just doesn't work for more than the moment it happens. It doesn't deter future behavior very well at all. So please, see where I'm coming from and try to give people a break. And if you see a harried mom of 3 toddlers raising her voice in the store, try not to give her those condescending looks!!
No but like I said, he wasn't MY kid - so it's not like I was concerned about undermining my authority with him - I'm never gonna see him again! For all he knew I might've very well intended to carry it out.
In any case, the kid was being an obnoxious brat and could've benefited from some actual discipline from his parents, but clearly that wasn't happening.
I would have told the Mother, nicely and quietly, that what she was proposing to do is called "child abuse" and it is illegal. I, also, would have recommended that they go home and come back when they are both rested.
Believe me, I've learned from experience that when my kid goes into meltdown mode spanking will absolutely NOT do anything to calm him down or make him stop. Doesn't work. He only gets MORE agitated, starts screaming louder, and takes longer to calm down. There are different kids, and mine takes after my DH in the sense of being 'wired up' - when he goes into a tantrum it's usually beyond the point where he just does it to get what he wants, it's more like he loses control and can work himself up to the point of throwing up and can't calm himself down, and at the point even if you give him what he wanted it won't help. I've learned that what works best is leaving him alone and once he's a bit calmer, explaining things logically and rationally.
As for others having to listen to him crying at the park - I'm sorry, but it's not a freaking theater premiere or fine restaurant. It's a playground for god's sakes. I don't know about you, but when I go to parks, as well as play center, toy stores, basically any place targeted to little kids, I fully expect to hear kids cry every once in a while and honestly I could care less if another kid is bawling his eyes out or screaming bloody murder - I'm just happy as long as it isn't MY kid. And in fact I do hear kids screaming and crying in stores, parks, etc. on a daily basis and never bat an eyelash. Going to the playground and expecting a serene atmosphere of quiet and rainbows and butterflies is pretty silly in my opinion.
And the other parents weren't giving me the evil eye because it was annoying and they were expecting me to spank him and take him away. They were thinking I should've ran up and started swinging him because obviously that's what he wanted. I don't even wanna know the reaction if I actually grabbed him by force and dragged him away - the sanctimommies would be calling CPS at that point.
Who said anything about beating him into submission? Personally, I would have simply turned the car around, headed back home and put his little butt to bed for a nap. Problem solved! "No, you're not watching television, or playing with toys. You're clearly overtired and completely unreasonable. YOU little mister are have a much-needed NAP...period!"
And anyhoo, that wasn't even the point of my post, I don't think I handled the situation all that badly - I ignored his tantrum, didn't give in, and took him home once he calmed down. My point was that even though I wasn't yelling or spanking or doing anything else that could possibly be considered abusive, I got the evil eye from the other mommies (who all had tiny babies, not yet familiar with the toddler stage) for ignoring DS and not going up to swing him. Everyone was going "awww, what a poor baby", and giving me evil looks - since without knowing the story, I just looked like the bad mom who's ignoring her precious crying baby when all he wants is to swing. Hence the moral - don't judge other parents when you don't know what's going on!
I'm not sure I'd 'judge' as you say but I can't see this as a really effective discipline. Whatever he did was before you got to the park. It was probably something you could have diverted him from; or you could have just not gone to the park at all. He's 3 not 5,6, or 7 (the typical age of reason). He was probably extremely upset because he likes the swing that much and did not see any relation between what happened earlier and not swinging. The only way he could have would be if you had said to him, if you don't stop, no swinging at the park. Otherwise, it loses its effectiveness and then the child really is in unnecessary distress, IMO.
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