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he did not have to adopt him as any kid born in a marriage is considered to be the father's child. And to tell him he is adopted would be a lie. Not good.
Are you sure about this? Although unlikely given the situation, couldn't the bio dad request custody?
Most states still have Lord Mansfield’s Rule on the books, a British law created in 1777 which defines a child born into a marriage to be a product of that marriage. About five states have abolished this rule. It is still on the law books of the other 45 states.
The husband of the mother must support the child even if he is not the biological father. No DNA test is allowed. No trial is granted. No appeal is possible.
The adulterous biological father has no responsibility for the child as long as the marriage lasts. This type of adultery is the only way a man can breed and be free from any legal responsibility to support his offspring.
It is a difficult situation. He is young and there is no reason to bring up your the marital problems that you and your wife had that lead to her indiscretion or your affair that preceded it. None.
He won't even think of these things.Perhaps ever. And I am not a fan of "tell all parenting". In my life, what happened in the 70s and 80s stays in there.
I would say that his mom had him with another man. If he asks.
Keep it very simple and do not stress about it. I have a Korean daughter and the adoption thing came way before any racial issues were
In many states, as long as you were legally married to him mother at the time of his birth, you are the legal father, and adoption is not necessary. The fact that he was born in another country could change that, but you really do need to speak to an adoption/family law attorney.
Best of luck and I give you a lot of credit for doing what you are doing.
Wow, no easy answer here. It's wonderful that you want your son to grow up with as much of his mother as you can impart, the most important realization would be that she loved him. And you love him. When he reaches school age people will assume he is adopted, or his mother was Korean, neither of which is the case, but it's none of their business anyway.
I think you know that sooner or later you will have to let him know the circumstances behind his birth, but I would work with somebody skilled in child counseling for advice on just how to present it.
My condolences on the loss of your wife.
I personally think this is great advice. I would add, that children do get curious. But, always remember to offer no more information than they are asking at the moment...and always make it age appropriate.
Where is the bio father in this scenario?? Have you given any thought to future situations regarding his knowing about the child? Wonder what the legalities are? As far as I know, when you are married, the child born during that marriage is yours...However in the distant future your child may want to know about his
Asian culture. You have a tough road, but you sound ike you are taking the proper steps to prepare yourself for all the upcoming transitions. Good uck to you.
Like others have said, you've received some very good advice here. The one thing I would take from all this is never to talk about his mother in terms of being a "bad person." Everything sticks with a child, and that would just create an issue that would remain with him and hurt him for the rest of his life. If you describe his mom as a warm, loving parent, I think that will go a long ways in helping him to eventually come to terms with things when he is old enough to better understand.
I want to thank all of you for such thoughtful and quick responses. Wow. I was unfamiliar with this forum and all I can say is you seem like a great bunch. I'm thankful for the non-judgmental replies.
To answer some of the questions: My son was born after we came back to the U.S. and my name is on the birth certificate as the father. As for the bio father, I don't know who he is, and although I never forced the issue, I had a very strong impression that my wife wasn't sure. This whole thing was out of character for her. She became unstable after I did what I did, almost a different person. I don't expect the bio father will ever be a factor.
I don't know all the state's rules, etc., but when my daughter adopted her baby the "legal" father and the "bio" father both had to sign the adoption papers. You have gotten good advice here. The most important is to love him and give him age appropriate answers. We had to go through some rough stuff with my oldest son (husband's bio son, and my adopted one) about his mother. But, we did survive it.
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