Any happy single mom out there or moms period (day care, maternity, milk)

[ladyscorpian14]

I wanted to know how do you plan for your pregnancy. I'm not pregnant at all won't be for another 6 years. I want to have one kid or twins but I like the idea of not being married I love being single I'm not gay Just don't like people living with me but love kids. I 'm in college and after I leave I want to save up for two years to have a baby and pay off my student debt as much as I can. In my family women stop or can't have kids after 30. I don't like houses so that won't be a problem I love apartments/condo lived in one my whole life I don't think there is a promblem living in a apartment do you? I don't care to be rich I like the simple things in life when I get my degree in Medical labatory technology I hope to make about $40,000 a year. Any advice!

[qtmunchie]

I'm a single mom. I didn't PLAN my pregnancy...but I don't regret what happened. I just want to warn you that being alone with a baby is HARD. The first three months of my daughter's life was the most difficult thing I have ever faced. And she was a normal, relatively easy baby - I can't imagine what I would have done if she'd had colic or medical issues. When you haven't slept in three days, your baby is crying, your apartment is a mess, and there's no food in the refrigerator for you because you have no time to go shopping...there were a few times when I just broke down and cried. When you're a single mom there's no one there to help you. Also, what no one told me is that babies are really expensive. Infants go through 7 diapers a day - it really adds up. So make sure you can survive on 40k a year and have enough left over for your baby. Also, if you don't like living with people I don't know why you want to live with a child...you never get a moment of privacy. Especially as a single mom. I'm not trying to talk you out of being a single mom I just want you to know the reality of it. It's a lot harder than I ever expected it to be. But my daughter has added so much to my life and I love that it's just the two of us against the world...I've never had a good relationship with my mother so being so close to my daughter has helped me heal and right now she tells me I'm her best friend, but she's only 3 years old, so I hope ten years from now she'll still be saying that. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Wisteria]

Oh, my gosh, please check into the costs of raising a child alone! I didn't expect to be divorced, and it has been a very difficult, rocky road raising my duaghter -- she is almost 18.

Being an older mom, I didn't feel the need to date or socialize to a large extent, so I was able to devote a lot of my energy to her -- but the costs! I had no idea that day care was about $1,000 a month for one child (where we live it is that or more). And after school care was about $250/month, and summer day care was thousands! (And these were inexpensive county programs.)

I have scrimped throughout raising her. I worked very hard at obtaining scholarships for her to study abroad, I don't get her the best of everything -- she has learned to make do. But she's a good kid with good values. However, be forewarned, it is very, very expensive! And, even things like going to get a quart of milk will be an ordeal with a baby -- all the time to change a diaper, change it again (as will happen often), bundle them up, put them into the car seat, take them out to the store, go and get the milk, cater to them as they cry or poop yet again, get them back into the car seat, and take them out and get them settled when you get home -- it really eats up tons of time you could not imagine beforehand.

On the flip side, a mother adores her children, so it helps to defer the extra time and money -- however, it is very time-consuming, dedicated, expensive work to raise a child alone.

Talk to more women who have done so, take notes, and really carefully get yourself situated so that you can do this alone, if that is what you really feel you must do.

Good luck to you.

[pirate girl]

I'm a single mom and I'm very happy. My son is well adjusted and I am in a great place financially. I'm also not sure how I feel about lifetime commitment------ although I've been in a relationship for 5 years. He wants marriage, I don't.

Make sure you have an education, a good job and your own home before you attempt this. If you're settled financially and personally a child can only enhance your life.

[Tish Thompson]

Lady Scorpian,

Single parenthood is always perfect...in your own mind. I am a single mother of 3, and there is nothing easy about it. Make sure you have stable housing and child care before you decide to have a child. Child care is ridiculously expensive...it's almost like having two house payments. Thankfully my kids are older, so I don't have to worry about child care anymore. I am happy and so are my kids, but I work extremely hard to make it that way.

[FarNorthDallas]

I think you might be romanticizing it a bit. I'm a never married mom. Perfectly happy. But really children want and need a dad. They really benefit from having that male influence. Men parent differently and the balance is good for kids.

The cost of parenting is outrageous. My son is disabled so my expenses are even higher. Apartment living isn't ideal for kids. They scream and cry and bother the neighbors. They can't play outside. Sometimes apartment complexes aren't exactly child friendly. In our public schools the apartment dwelling kids are at such an academic disadvantage the schools space out the apartment kids in each of the classes to make sure no one class is mostly apartment kids. Kids of homeowners - generally speaking - do better than apartment kids academically.

Price daycare in your area. See what kind of short term disability you get, what kind of maternity leave. Will you have income during that time? Often once a baby is born the new mom realizes she can't put her kids in daycare. You think you can before you birth, but then you birth and you think, Oh Sh*t what I have done? Married folks can scramble, figure out a way to live on one income. You won't have that luxury. Also, do you have a lot of personal leave time to take when baby gets sick. You have no one to take turns with.

I think you will find $40k is not enough to support a child on, but too high to give you welfare benefits like free/reduced lunch, WIC, CHIP or subsidized apartments.

You might also compare your work hours with the hours daycares are open. Since you are in the medical field that can make it tougher to find care that will take kids at 5 or 6am. There is one daycare near me that will take kids of parents in the medical field. They are open 5am-midnight and on Saturdays too. Not typical for most daycares.

Sometimes it's nice being the only parent and calling all the shots and making all the decisions. But then again when you are going to a parent teacher conference you really want a man there. School personnel behave differently if a dad is around. If your child is at a school function downtown and you have to pick them up at midnight, you really wish you had a man to make the late night drive to pick them up. If you have a son into sports, you wish you had a man there for him to do sports with. If your community has a father daughter dance, you really wish your daughter could attend. You wish there was a dad to send to Donuts for Dad on Father's Day at the daycare. You wish your child could attend the Dad's Club cook out at school. It's one thing after another.

I would think this one through.

[little_thirsty]

I agree with the posters above and will add, I know very FEW people whose plan actually happened the way they thought it would.
But being a mom is my dream job and I am loving every second of it. I also have a very devoted husband and I can't imagine doing it without him. But this is what works for our family, lots of people do it a different way and are happy.

[Wisteria]

I especially agree with FarNorthDallas -- she is so right! Please think this through. When I had my daughter, I had NO clue that day care expenses were as high as they are. And it is correct that any leave time at a job you have will be going for two, not one. Plus, will your employment be flexible if the child is ill and you must leave to get them, or to take them to appointments, or picking them up from school? There are so many considerations that are not thought of before having a child -- and things you just don't anticipate until you have a baby.

I have struggled the past 18 years raising my daughter. I did not have a choice to stay with her father -- I took the route I had to take. It has not been easy by any stretch. I adore my daughter, there is no getting around that. But doing it alone has been very difficult. Fortunately, being older and not dating, and having a very flexible boss (I took a demotion to get that flexibility), helped me get through. My daughter turned out great, but it was with full dedication, time, sweat and tears that it happened.

Carefully consider, and research all the variables. Becoming a mother is a total transformation and it is difficult to put into words the impact it has. Good luck to you.

[OneDayInSomewhere]

I'm a single mom and she was not planned at all. I had a perfect pregnancy and delivery, a very good baby that very rarely got sick, didn't have colic, only woke up 1 time a night and a very supportive family. Her father isn't in her life but her uncles completely adore her so she has very positive, healthy male influences in her life. I was very blessed with a church family that gave me the biggest baby shower and I had enough necessities that I was able to stay home with her for the first 8 months. I was able to make all of the decisions in her life, starting with her name to the major stuff nowadays, without another person saying no.

Now...with all that being said, it was, and is, still extremely hard and A LOT of single moms don't have the support I had. The older she is getting, the easier it is...but the first five years is full of surprises that no one can prepare themselves for. Yes, kids are beautiful and fun (if you want them) but you have to look at the real picture and actual issues that are going to come up....it's very easy to say, "oh, I can handle that" now but you haven't went through a week of very little sleep, a child, a job, EXPENSIVE childcare, bills, no money, no privacy, and you really aren't seeing a way out. I think in 6 years you need to reevaluate all of this....while I'm happy with my situation, I wouldn't advise a person to choose to be a single parent...unless they are rich and have the means to have nannies. $40k is far from rich and is steadily becoming hard to live on just by yourself...without adding the added expense of a baby.

[Sam I Am]

Pay off your student loans COMPLETELY before you even consider undertaking this...that's the debt that keeps on giving for years. You are only allowed X number of deferrals, then you own that bill every month. You cannot bankrupt out of it or anything else, and your expenses with a child will be more than you ever dreamed. Also, you will need a relatively new vehicle since you won't be able to afford one for what could potentially be a long time, and you want safe and reliable transportation for your child.

I notice you are in Anchorage - do you intend to stay there? It's my understanding your cost of living is quite high there....$40K may look like a lot right now, but even in Arkansas, where I am at and where the cost of living is relatively low, you wouldn't make it too far and be able to afford the quality things you would like for your children.

Your other comment that caught my eye is you don't like people in the house but love kids....they turn into people eventually, and they are people that don't go away for a really long time. Kind of like puppies - they outgrow the infant and toddler and kindergartener stage and then your life gets really interesting. Problem is, it's yours all the way. You can send a husband, friend, roommate, relative to the grocery store to grab an hour of peace, but you can't do that with a child.

Not trying to be harsh, but you've planned your timetable, etc., but you really haven't planned past that. You have a hopeful on your salary and a roof over your head, but it's so....so, so, so, so....much more than that.

The above posters have given you great advice, although probably not what you wanted to hear...the one thing to consider is that they don't know you and are looking at this objectively and with prior experience...and to a fault, everyone is telling you to re-think your plan in greater detail. I hope you will do so - motherhood is a beautiful thing, but the years I spent raising my sons alone were some of the toughest I can ever imagine.