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The thing is, I know he does want to be a good father, and he does obviously love DS and is a great father when he tries, especially as DS has gotten older. He does enjoy playing with him when he does...it's just he doesn't do it nearly often enough or for long enough on his own accord...he wants to do all these things with him in theory, but in practice when it requires shutting off the game and getting up and actually moving around, he often gets lazy and procrastinates and makes excuses for why he can't do it. I get it, I do, because I'll be lying if I don't feel way too lazy for the playground myself more often than not...but I know DS needs to run around, so I drag ourselves out anyways, because I understand that having a child means you don't get to do only what you want all the time. And because DH already has so much less time to spend with him than I do, when he then makes one excuse after another and I let him get away with it, it means he barely does anything with him at all, and I do everything - which is bad for DS too because he needs the male roughousing and interaction, more than 15 minutes a week...He doesn't seem to understand that the great father-son relationship he wants isn't gonna happen magically, without any effort on his behalf.
So you don't like it when he calls you lazy (which you mentioned in your original post), because you're sure he just doesn't understand how tired you are and how much you need your me time, but you are OK calling him lazy when he doesn't want to do something.
I'm so sorry, it just boggles my mind that women advocate just putting up with this. I barely go shopping either, but my DH isn't trotting off to do his own thing. We are both equally busy working and parenting. It isn't all the mom's job to raise the kids.
My DH is not perfect (neither am I!) but he knows being a dad is more than a word. It's actions and time and commitment and self sacrifice. If he couldn't handle being a real father, not just a father in name and monetary support, then counseling wouldn't be an optional thing. It would be a mandatory we are doing this to prevent me from leaving you thing. This isn't healthy, what you or the OP have described. Fathers should spend time with their children from day one, not "later."
It sounds like the OP isn't the perfect wife. Shocker. Neither am I. She probably has room for improvement. So do many of us, I'd guess, both husbands and wives. But to me, the huge flag is the way he talks to her and his resistance to spending any time with his own child. Those things don't just go away on their own. An adult doesn't outgrow those attitudes and that kind of disinterest and selfishness.
OP, I would seek out a counselor at least for yourself if DH won't go. Try to get some perspective and outside opinions from a balanced professional.
I am shocked that people keep giving her the "I can't believe you put up with this" attitude. I agree with the counseling idea and suggested. The OP "filters" all the suggestions that might really help (i.e. counseling, babysitters, changing the nap schedule), other than simply changing DH with some magical formula. But this indignant stance about putting up with it can lead only one place - the end of the relationship. At some point you either put up with it and keep your relationship, or you don't put up with it and end the relationship. Especially if one won't consider counseling. So I simply suggest that if she wants to keep her relationship, then she will put up with it and find other ways to solve the problem besides asking DH for more. It isn't about principles, it's about whether or not one wants to keep the relationship and at what cost.
But you work. When you work, you split the care. She does not work outside the home. That's the difference. They are not supposed to split the care like that.
Well, I think it's up to the couple to decide how the care is split. Everyone keeps saying that the OP shouldn't try to change her husband. That's she's the one that needs to make all the changes, and my question is: why? People have different ideas of marriage and when people are at opposite ends in the same marriage, there are going to be problems. I'm not saying the OP is perfect because no one is, but I feel like her concerns are being brushed under the rug with talk of her being unfair to her husband. Perfect example - why does he get to sleep in on the weekends? Both days?
And also, the behavior you model in your marriage is what your children pick up on. A poster just said her son is already up on that with the whole bedtime drama. If he sees Mama running herself ragged and doing everything just so Daddy doesn't get upset (because poor daddy should never be upset), 25 years down the line, he might expect his wife to put up with the same stuff.
As for splitting up, sometimes people are just happier apart. I have two friends, both with kids under 6, who have left their husbands for frankly pretty similar behavior. They are happier, their kids are happier - especially the older sons - and the ex husbands are continuing their immature, ratchet behavior. I'm not saying the OP is at that point at all, but sometimes people just do better apart. You have to decide how much of yourself you can sacrifice to keep the other partner happy. And it can't be a one-way street. Perhaps that works for some women, not all.
I don't get the posters who keep coming here and saying that other posters are saying the OP should just suck it up and be happy her husband is acting like a jerk. No one is saying that. The OP can only change one person - herself. She can make changes in her behaviors and attitiudes and hope that those changes lead to changes in her her husbands behavior. The OP is not blameless in what is going on in her home. If the focus is only on stamping her feet in frustration and not doing anything active on her own part, nothing will change and eventually someone will leave or it will continue to be a very unhappy home situation for everyone. Someone has to stop keeping score and start changing what they can. And since the OP is the one here complaining and she has no control over her husbands attitude or action, that leaves one person she can change. Herself.
The thing is, he sincerely believes that the stuff he already does qualifies him as a fantastic father and that he's already sacrificing so much of his time and effort for us. Because, basically, if it wasn't for DS, he'd buy himself a nicer car, he'd sleep in till 1 pm on weekends like he used to and spend the rest of the time chilling out - so to him, getting up at 10 or 11 and going out somewhere for a family-friendly activity is already a big departure from what he'd prefer to be doing - but because he does it, in his mind it's 'for us' and it makes him a great father. It's not the quality of the time so much as quantity - so if he tosses DS for 10 minutes and makes him laugh, he feels good and to him, he's done his 'good father' thing for the day. But if you only get the evenings and weekends with your child as it is, and you're having fun, why not do it for a bit longer, why not make it an hour at least, without ME having to ask? Because he just gets lazy. And he'll get sincerely offended and defensive if I dare to say it, because he actually believes he does a lot for us, and then it'll become all about me and how it's never enough for ME etc. And yes, I do acknowledge that he does a lot for us financially, and I tell him I appreciate it - but I also tell him, always gently and in a friendly tone, that DS, at his age, doesn't care that he earns the money, he cares about having his dad play with him and do fun things. DH's response to that is always the defensive, huffy, 'well, I DO spend time with him, wth, you're always complaining yakkity shmakkity...'
Okay now I understand this guy better. So he HAS adjusted some to fatherhood, just not as much as you'd like. When he gets home from work, he:
1. Plays with his kid for a few minutes, makes him giggle.
2. Gives him his evening bath.
And on the weekends he:
1. Gets out of bed "early" compared to what he used to do.
2. Goes somewhere for some family time one of the days.
And he also handles all the finances and bill paying.
So he's not doing NOTHING, in his mind he's trying. This is already more than he ever saw his dad do. I do think he deservess some points for that, even if he has a ways to go.
So while I agree he needs to work the concept of "alone time with my child is not a favor or a burden" into his brain, as well as "my wife needs time by herself too", this is not something he knows naturally because this is not something he saw growing up. You said the women in his family took care of everything. They were completely independent. He doesn't know what you are talking about when you ask him to do something for you. Noone asked him or his dad for anything before. To him, you already don't have to work and he's already doing family stuff so what in the world could be the problem? "Why should I have to deal with a toddler alone, that's your job that you said you wanted? I do enough." I bet when you are talking calmly he says what he thinks will make you happy but deep down, this is what he thinks, and it comes out later anyway. Sound about right?
What is it about being alone with the child that he doesn't like? Have you ever asked? Does he like that he has to pay full attention to him? Does he dislike kid activities? Does he hate having to cater to him, or make snacks? Is he insecure about how to interact with his son? Some things might go away with time depending on what his reasons are.
I'm so sorry, it just boggles my mind that women advocate just putting up with this. I barely go shopping either, but my DH isn't trotting off to do his own thing. We are both equally busy working and parenting. It isn't all the mom's job to raise the kids.
My DH is not perfect (neither am I!) but he knows being a dad is more than a word. It's actions and time and commitment and self sacrifice. If he couldn't handle being a real father, not just a father in name and monetary support, then counseling wouldn't be an optional thing. It would be a mandatory we are doing this to prevent me from leaving you thing. This isn't healthy, what you or the OP have described. Fathers should spend time with their children from day one, not "later."
It sounds like the OP isn't the perfect wife. Shocker. Neither am I. She probably has room for improvement. So do many of us, I'd guess, both husbands and wives. But to me, the huge flag is the way he talks to her and his resistance to spending any time with his own child. Those things don't just go away on their own. An adult doesn't outgrow those attitudes and that kind of disinterest and selfishness.
OP, I would seek out a counselor at least for yourself if DH won't go. Try to get some perspective and outside opinions from a balanced professional.
I agree with marie's post above, and repeating her would just belabor the point. But about the bold: yes, they do. Mine did. I would not describe our bad years in exactly the same way as the OP, but I have read past threads of hers and am tuning out some of the melodrama. (She even came back and said that her husband can also be sweet and accommodating, and that she was venting hard in the top post. So I'm slowing the roll.)
Anyway, yes, adults do continue to "grow up" even when they're in their 20s and 30s. My husband and I had to grow up while we were married. I think I unconsciously tried to be his mother and in doing so became MY mother, whom I love as a woman but is not someone I want to emulate in some ways. My mother + my husband = God No. Once I stopped trying to win and be his mom, and I started working as a team and being his wife, he came back to us (the children and me).
What if you try to make some kind of agreement with him that allows each of you a weekend day once an month or so to do whatever you want? On your day, he takes complete care of your son while you sleep in, read, get your hair done, shop, visit friends, etc. On his day, he gets to do whatever he wants. Perhaps each of you having your own day with no demands will give you each a break and make him more aware of just how difficult your days are. He may be more willing to try something like that if he knows he has his own free day.
I felt similarly when my first was born. My husband was to a tee the same as yours (except he did have a demanding hihg stress job in the military and it didn't pay great). He also deployed for a year 4 weeks after our second was born (if you think raising 1 3 year old in a new town with a disengaged husband is hard, try raising a 2-3yr old newborn -1yr old alone in a new town while constantly worrying about your disengaged husband dying). Fast foreward some years and hes way better with the kids. Some men just aren't good with young kids. Give up on slepping in, get your hair done and shop a few hours or take a book to a coffee shop and read every other weekend. No more asking him if he can "please" xyz. Just get your keys and say "I'm running out and will be back at x.
Also...if you cant try on a pair of jeans with your 3 year old or put him to bed without an ordeal you have a parenting problem, not a husband problem. Sounds like you're creating a monster.
The question is, how do I 'take a stand' without fighting and him harbouring more resentment, which may eventually spill over into walking out? Because as sad as it sounds, even though I'm not happy with the way things are, I also don't want to break our family up over it and I don't want to lose him. I want to get him over to my side, without fighting.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilCookie
If I just get up and leave for a weekend and dump DS on his lap, as has been suggested here, I can't even predict what his reaction will be, but I'm betting I won't be hearing the end of it for a long, long time, that is if he doesn't walk out the minute I'm back.
If you honestly think him walking out is a possibility, then you are really in a precarious position. Honestly, I've never seen a marriage where someone seriously thought their spouse had any likelihood of walking out where the spouse didn't eventually do so. And your situation is made much more precarious by your visa situation, since you and your son are utterly dependent on him financially.
I think in_newengland is right: you have to disengage from the whole conflict for the sake of your marriage. You need breaks, absolutely. It sounds like despite the whining* your husband is willing to give them to you a couple times a month, and those who pointed out that you can supplement that with a mother's helper, trading childcare with a friend, and what-have-you are right. And you can gradually train your son to let you alone a bit while you sit nearby and read a book or what-have-you. You can get what you need, but you cannot change your husband's attitude towards spending time with his son, and trying to do so is hurting your marriage.
* Your interactions with your husband kind of reminded me of this article. Doubly so if the whining ever causes you to say something like, "Oh, forget it. I just won't go."
* Your interactions with your husband kind of reminded me of this article. Doubly so if the whining ever causes you to say something like, "Oh, forget it. I just won't go."
OP, I hope you click the link and read that article.
This article is a BRILLIANT example of what I tried to say about the OP "taking on her husband's emotions."
I have always been a SAHM/WAHM. My husband used to do that kind of thing too, only he would just make passive-aggressive statements like, "Wow, I ran out of my prescription again and now I'm gonna have a migraine."
I used to drop what I was doing and join his misery, then try to take it on for him by offering to get his prescription, whatever. Through counseling, we learned about how this is not a healthy adult tactic. From then on, when he would try to engage me about his problems that were his fault, I would say something like, "Well, I guess next time you'll call in the refill when you're down to two pills."
He didn't get offended, and started taking care of HIS business.
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