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"I guess what I was looking for is some kind of foolproof approach/argument I could make that would make him realize he's wrong on this, and make him see my side of it without getting pissed off, but I guess that's too simplistic and doesn't exist..."
You're right, it doesn't exist. He's not going to change from acting like he's a great dad anymore than you are going to change from being a doormat. (hope that didn't sound mean). I can tell you this (from what I've seen through the years), the older your son gets, the more time your husband will spend with him.
You both sound spoiled rotten by your families. You both are complaining about reality: you are grown and on your own!
I have known parents who had, and asked for, zero help from others and still managed to maintain a good marital relationship.
Just try to imagine your kid's age 0-18 NEVER having those grandparents, family members, etc. to help you! That's the case for a lot of folks.
You both are complaining about the "bed " you both helped to create. Get over it. Do your job, and then ask your husband to supply you with a week's vacation once a year.
Daycare, or hiring out your work, is a cop out.
Full time parenting is one of the hardest, thankless jobs out there. That is exactly why most chicken, excuse themselves, and cop out-- by retreating to a job outside the home. It's too big of a job; so they dump the kids off at a daycare or someone else's home. Or worse yet, they buy mulitple television sets to do the job.
The best kept homes and kids that I have ever seen, were raised by dedicated, hard working (stay at home) women/mothers.
For the sake of their children, those women chose to make personal sacrifices.
The worse kids I've observed, were usually from 2 parent (working constantly) homes, where the parents chose to guilt buy things to replace time not spent with kids.
Get used to being a full fledged grown up.
Kids grow up fast. Bite the bullet. Enjoy the fast, bumpy ride while you can.
You dump your responsibility like some here suggest, and you pay later with every manner of kid problem.
Last edited by picklejuice; 02-26-2013 at 11:45 AM..
but the fact of never being alone, which is also one reason that after DS is in bed I don't feel like having sex or even being touched, I want to climb into bed and be left alone...I know that may sound horrible, it doesn't mean I don't love my family to bits, but it's just the type of person I am - and I didn't quite realize that in myself until recently...
It doesn't sound terrible and you need to explain this to him. My husband didn't get this. He does now and he is way more willing to give me space. But I had to explain this to him several times. He always loves spending time with our son but he is the type to want to spend every single second together - all of us - and that just doesn't work for me.
If you want to continue laying with your son at night you are not going to get that wind down alone time. So you guys have to talk about that and accept that your sex life will likely be affected for a while longer. You can talk about things without fighting. It's hard and there will be fights. But you are on different pages and you need to talk about it.
And OMG I LOVE that article! My husband is like that right down to being able to hear me sigh across the house but his hearing loss preventing him from hearing me at all when right next to him. I've used similar techniques - he can never find anything but I think it's just so I'll do it for him. Seriously - you're asking me where the frozen spinach is? So I just started saying (to whatever he can't find) "I guess we don't have any" and then he magically finds it. So much better than me stopping what I'm doing and stomping into the kitchen to find the butter in the butter dish. I will be implementing the others! LOL.
You both sound spoiled rotten by your families. You both are complaining about reality: you are grown and on your own!
I have known parents who had, and asked for, zero help from others and still managed to maintain a good marriage relationship. Imagine not ever having grandparents, family members, etc. to help! That's the case for a lot of folks.
You both are complaining about the "bed " you both helped to create. Get over it. Do your job, and then ask your husband to supply you with a week's vacation once a year.
Daycare, or hiring out your work, is a cop out.
Full time parenting is one of the hardest, thankless jobs out there. That is exactly why most chicken, excuse themselves, and cop out-- by retreating to a job outside the home. It's too big job of a job, so they dump the kids off at a daycare or someone else's home. Or worse yet, they buy mulitple television sets to do the job.
The best kept homes and kids that I have ever seen, were raised by dedicated, hard working (stay at home) women/mothers.
For the sake of their children, those women chose to make personal sacrifices.
The worse kids I've observed, were usually from 2 parent (working constantly) homes, where the parents chose to guilt buy things to replace time not spent with kids.
Get used to being a full fledged grown up.
Kids grow up fast. Bite the bullet. Enjoy the fast, bumpy ride while you can.
You dump your responsibility like some here suggest, and you pay later with every manner of kid problem.
Since you posted this with anecdotal evidence, I wanted to share my own.
My mother had this philosophy, exactly. She had five kids and was a SAHM the whole time. Everything was about the kids. They never took vacations, never got a babysitter, never had daycare. She was the most devoted mother I have ever seen. Every meal was home-cooked from scratch. We were in every activity you could think of. She never spent money on herself, or my dad, just us kids.
She was also the most miserable, depressed, alcoholic, angry, bitter person I have ever known. She told me years later that several times she actually felt like she was going insane.
So, go ahead and recommend the martyr route. Maybe some of those families that you saw looked perfect from the outside, but sometimes things are very different on the inside.
I'm not saying that SAHM is not a good choice, but everyone needs balance in their life. Working outside the home TOO much can be bad, but the reverse can also cause serious problems.
You both sound spoiled rotten by your families. You both are complaining about reality: you are grown and on your own!
I have known parents who had, and asked for, zero help from others and still managed to maintain a good marital relationship.
Just try to imagine your kid's age 0-18 NEVER having those grandparents, family members, etc. to help you! That's the case for a lot of folks.
You both are complaining about the "bed " you both helped to create. Get over it. Do your job, and then ask your husband to supply you with a week's vacation once a year.
Daycare, or hiring out your work, is a cop out.
Full time parenting is one of the hardest, thankless jobs out there. That is exactly why most chicken, excuse themselves, and cop out-- by retreating to a job outside the home. It's too big of a job; so they dump the kids off at a daycare or someone else's home. Or worse yet, they buy mulitple television sets to do the job.
The best kept homes and kids that I have ever seen, were raised by dedicated, hard working (stay at home) women/mothers.
For the sake of their children, those women chose to make personal sacrifices.
The worse kids I've observed, were usually from 2 parent (working constantly) homes, where the parents chose to guilt buy things to replace time not spent with kids.
Get used to being a full fledged grown up.
Kids grow up fast. Bite the bullet. Enjoy the fast, bumpy ride while you can.
You dump your responsibility like some here suggest, and you pay later with every manner of kid problem.
Do you have any kids? Until you've walked a mile in another parent's shoes keep your ridiculous judgements to yourself.
You both sound spoiled rotten by your families. You both are complaining about reality: you are grown and on your own!
I have known parents who had, and asked for, zero help from others and still managed to maintain a good marital relationship.
Just try to imagine your kid's age 0-18 NEVER having those grandparents, family members, etc. to help you! That's the case for a lot of folks.
You both are complaining about the "bed " you both helped to create. Get over it. Do your job, and then ask your husband to supply you with a week's vacation once a year.
Daycare, or hiring out your work, is a cop out.
Full time parenting is one of the hardest, thankless jobs out there. That is exactly why most chicken, excuse themselves, and cop out-- by retreating to a job outside the home. It's too big of a job; so they dump the kids off at a daycare or someone else's home. Or worse yet, they buy mulitple television sets to do the job.
The best kept homes and kids that I have ever seen, were raised by dedicated, hard working (stay at home) women/mothers.
For the sake of their children, those women chose to make personal sacrifices.
The worse kids I've observed, were usually from 2 parent (working constantly) homes, where the parents chose to guilt buy things to replace time not spent with kids.
Get used to being a full fledged grown up.
Kids grow up fast. Bite the bullet. Enjoy the fast, bumpy ride while you can.
You dump your responsibility like some here suggest, and you pay later with every manner of kid problem.
Nonsense. Every bit of this post is nonsense. This woman appears to be burnt out. She needs to take some time for herself without feeling guilty about it and rants like yours will push her in the wrong direction. As far as I can tell from the posts her husband is doing a good job and being a good father. And she is doing a good job being a good mother but has perhaps tried a little too hard to spend all her time focusing on the kid. This has resulted in her being burnt out. She placed a pretty high bar for herself with respect to spending all her time with and taking care of her kid. It is no wonder she's about to go gaga.
The way to solve burn out is not to double down and work more. From reading the posts I think she has mistakenly identified her husband as the problem. The real problem boils down to her having some time to herself, not that her husband isn't engaged in the family. There is nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself. In fact it is critical to be reasonably happy so you don't make those around you utterly miserable. If she is happy then her husband and kid will be happier to. That is why so many people are suggesting she look to other sources besides her husband to try and get some me time. A byproduct of this looking is that she will meet other SAHMs which will give her some 'adult' time that will be an excellent pressure relief for her.
The kid will not suffer by spending 3 hours a week on a play date with another kid in his home (seeing his mom split her attention will actually probably be good for him) and another 3 hours a week on a play date at someone else's home (playing and sharing with another kid as well as listening to another adult will probably be good for him). The kid will not suffer if someone else cleans the toilets and wipes down the counter tops twice a month. Kids benefit when they have well rounded happy moms. Most of the posts here are trying to help the OP get to a place where she is happy. I'm not at all worried about the kid if she can do this as she is clearly a very conscientious mother who is if anything too focused on the child and not in any danger of neglecting him.
You both sound spoiled rotten by your families. You both are complaining about reality: you are grown and on your own!
I have known parents who had, and asked for, zero help from others and still managed to maintain a good marital relationship.
Just try to imagine your kid's age 0-18 NEVER having those grandparents, family members, etc. to help you! That's the case for a lot of folks.
You both are complaining about the "bed " you both helped to create. Get over it. Do your job, and then ask your husband to supply you with a week's vacation once a year.
Daycare, or hiring out your work, is a cop out.
Full time parenting is one of the hardest, thankless jobs out there. That is exactly why most chicken, excuse themselves, and cop out-- by retreating to a job outside the home. It's too big of a job; so they dump the kids off at a daycare or someone else's home. Or worse yet, they buy mulitple television sets to do the job.
The best kept homes and kids that I have ever seen, were raised by dedicated, hard working (stay at home) women/mothers.
For the sake of their children, those women chose to make personal sacrifices.
The worse kids I've observed, were usually from 2 parent (working constantly) homes, where the parents chose to guilt buy things to replace time not spent with kids.
Get used to being a full fledged grown up.
Kids grow up fast. Bite the bullet. Enjoy the fast, bumpy ride while you can.
You dump your responsibility like some here suggest, and you pay later with every manner of kid problem.
Nonsense. Every bit of this post is nonsense. This woman appears to be burnt out. She needs to take some time for herself without feeling guilty about it and rants like yours will push her in the wrong direction. As far as I can tell from the posts her husband is doing a good job and being a good father. And she is doing a good job being a good mother but has perhaps tried a little too hard to spend all her time focusing on the kid. This has resulted in her being burnt out. She placed a pretty high bar for herself with respect to spending all her time with and taking care of her kid. It is no wonder she's about to go gaga.
The way to solve burn out is not to double down and work more. From reading the posts I think she has mistakenly identified her husband as the problem. The real problem boils down to her having some time to herself, not that her husband isn't engaged in the family. There is nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself. In fact it is critical to be reasonably happy so you don't make those around you utterly miserable. If she is happy then her husband and kid will be happier to. That is why so many people are suggesting she look to other sources besides her husband to try and get some me time. A byproduct of this looking is that she will meet other SAHMs which will give her some 'adult' time that will be an excellent pressure relief for her.
The kid will not suffer by spending 3 hours a week on a play date with another kid in his home (seeing his mom split her attention will actually probably be good for him) and another 3 hours a week on a play date at someone else's home (playing and sharing with another kid as well as listening to another adult will probably be good for him). The kid will not suffer if someone else cleans the toilets and wipes down the counter tops twice a month. Kids benefit when they have well rounded happy moms. Most of the posts here are trying to help the OP get to a place where she is happy. I'm not at all worried about the kid if she can do this as she is clearly a very conscientious mother who is if anything too focused on the child and not in any danger of neglecting him.
I agree 100% with this post, except that my post was nonsense. I guess my talking about her having a vacation was overlooked. It's the same thing as what the normal husband gets from a job. Heck, if and when you can, two weeks!
You ladies are too quick to get defensive about my observations.
Sorry some of you had miserable mothers who stayed home. It sounds like they had underlying mental illness, and were not "normal" to begin with. Genes have a lot to do with that.
It's not PC to expect a woman who gives birth to care for her own child, and expect exactly what the man gets (a one -two week vacation).
Last edited by picklejuice; 02-26-2013 at 12:59 PM..
I have been a SAHM since the birth of our daughter and she will be turning 11 years on Wednesday.
Since day 1 my hubby has been very involved. I couldn't breast feed, long story, so he would get up every other feeding. I would change the diaper and he would feed her or visa versa.
He helps around the house also. He will cook, clean and do honey do's. Thank God for him being so helpful. I had knee surgery on 11/30 and was unable to walk for a week or so, then had crutches so it was really hard to do anything. He works from 5:00 a.m. to about 4 to 5:00 p.m. he would come home, hang with our daughter, cook dinner and clean the kitchen, go shopping, take our daughter to her swimming and voice lessons and do the laundry etc... I finally felt so bad that I hired a house cleaner so he wouldn't have to worry about that while I recuperated.
I just think if you allow him to treat you that way it will continue. My ex was like your hubby and he once asked me if he had any clean underwear, in a really nasty tone. I proceeded to get his underwear and staple them all to the floor leading to the laundry room That cured him
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That cured him 
