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Since you posted this with anecdotal evidence, I wanted to share my own.
My mother had this philosophy, exactly. She had five kids and was a SAHM the whole time. Everything was about the kids. They never took vacations, never got a babysitter, never had daycare. She was the most devoted mother I have ever seen. Every meal was home-cooked from scratch. We were in every activity you could think of. She never spent money on herself, or my dad, just us kids.
She was also the most miserable, depressed, alcoholic, angry, bitter person I have ever known. She told me years later that several times she actually felt like she was going insane.
So, go ahead and recommend the martyr route. Maybe some of those families that you saw looked perfect from the outside, but sometimes things are very different on the inside.
I'm not saying that SAHM is not a good choice, but everyone needs balance in their life. Working outside the home TOO much can be bad, but the reverse can also cause serious problems.
Yes, probably the *ideal* for the children is a SAHM but a happy SAHM, if mom is a SAHM but miserable then it defeats the whole purpose and maybe everyone would be better off if mom were to work and be happier. Sometimes working part time is a good compromise. A happy mother is more likely to have happy kids.
I agree with this.
On a side note, this is my argument that, when all is said and done, the SAHM still has quite a bit of flexibility and decision-making power when compared to working parents, whether men or women.
Somebody who works full-time for someone else and then comes home only to be faced with an avalanche of domestic-related chores... NEVER, EVER has "me-time".
And once you're talking about SAHPs of 5+ yo-s, the whole thing of comparing who gets to have more "me" time (the working parent or the SAH parent) becomes downright embarrassing. Homeschoolers not counted in here, of course.
Sorry - wrong....most people can find "me time" if they want or need it badly enough. It may not be often or regular but it can be done. Working parent? Lunch time away from your desk is "me time" - you can sit in your car and read a book or listen to music without a toddler asking for attention. That is just as much "me time" as when a partner agrees to watch a toddler for an hour. Let's not get into which is harder. They are both challenging in different ways.
Absolutely; but the kind of stuff the OP is reporting is really very frequent.
My husband and I experience it in our family, minus the fight over who does more - because we are BOTH overworked and both see and acknowledge how much the other one does.
We are just unlucky that his side of the family is too old (only mom left) and my side are too far, as in a far-away country.
Perhaps the OP's family could think of a way to get back closer to their extended families?...
Few people realize the miraculous effects such help can have on a family's overall health and well-being.
Definitely food for thought. My in-laws are gifts from God, absolutely. I can't even begin to say how invaluable they have been to us. I remember 7 years ago, when we were both new parents to a colicky newborn. Nothing seemed to work when it came to soothing. My inlaws would come over and spend two hours with the baby, which gave us enough time to shower, go out and eat, whatever together. two hours alone as a couple did so much good -- for parenting, and for our marriage. there was balance. parents aren't these superhuman gods. there is an imbalance in the OPs life that needs to be addressed before things get any worse. Instead of slamming the OP, we should be a bit more supportive.
Yes, probably the *ideal* for the children is a SAHM but a happy SAHM, if mom is a SAHM but miserable then it defeats the whole purpose and maybe everyone would be better off if mom were to work and be happier. Sometimes working part time is a good compromise. A happy mother is more likely to have happy kids.
But this proposition suggests that the portion of time the mother would be spending away from kids would be some sort of "rest" period....and once she was back from work, she'd be all "sunshine" and available to the kids. People forget that "working part-time" does not equal "taking a break"; and if she's only working "part-time", chances are she would still have to take over most of the household-related chores as you.
I don't necessarily predict she would feel any more rested or truly happier.
I used to have a 35 min commute to work. I left 1 hr before work and entered work 15 min early. My ME time consisted of the drive...to and from work. Hey, that totalled up to 80 min per day...400 min (6.67 hrs) per work week. Never once, did I have the music on in the car....just blissful, beautiful....silence.
Instead of slamming the OP, we should be a bit more supportive.
Well...yeah. They need to get back closer to the extended family.
On forums you don't find support - you usually find debates over social or philosophical issues.
You find support in FAMILY - if you still have one that matters, is willing, and able.
All this talk of "put your foot down," "make him," "just give him stuff to do," and what Mr. Cookie "must" and "has to" do ... I don't think it's helpful in the middle of a power struggle. He's already stonewalling her, and more bossing and nagging is not going to help.
True. You can kill more flies with honey than with vinegar. Instead of nagging the husband to death and constantly telling him he's not doing enough and then complaining that this tactic isn't working at all, the OP could try the opposite approach and gush and show all kinds of gratitude when he does help out. Praise him endlessly for every little assistance he gives, brag about him in front of him and tell everyone how great he is, how much he helps and he'll probably start pitching in a whole lot more.
Actually spouses can be trained but positive rewards work better than negative ones -- just like when training a dog, if you heap on all kinds of praise when you tell the dog to go fetch and he does it, the dog will eagerly go fetch.
I used to have a 35 min commute to work. I left 1 hr before work and entered work 15 min early. My ME time consisted of the drive...to and from work. Hey, that totalled up to 80 min per day...400 min (6.67 hrs) per work week. Never once, did I have the music on in the car....just blissful, beautiful....silence.
Yes - when my kids were very young I rode the bus to work. I could sit and read the paper, uninterrupted during the commute - then at lunch I'd get out and walk around downtown, windowshop etc. Bus ride home to unwind. My life was hectic with FT work and small children but I did get a break from the constant demands of infants and toddlers. Even if it may not have looked exactly like my "ideal" me-time (which would involve a vacation in a warm climate, a professional masseuse and an adult beverage).
Sorry - wrong....most people can find "me time" if they want or need it badly enough. It may not be often or regular but it can be done. Working parent? Lunch time away from your desk is "me time" - you can sit in your car and read a book or listen to music without a toddler asking for attention. That is just as much "me time" as when a partner agrees to watch a toddler for an hour. Let's not get into which is harder. They are both challenging in different ways.
People have a funny way of needing some downtime above and beyond the time allocated to stuffing their faces. It's been my experience....and apparently the OP's husband too.
People have a funny way of needing some downtime above and beyond the time allocated to "stuffing their faces". It's been my experience....and apparently the OP's husband too.
And apparently the OP's as well.
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