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I know this, and I am grateful, believe me. I'm not saying my life oh-my-god-so-stressful. It's not. But it's slightly more stressful than I feel it has to be, kwim? And that I would be so much happier if my husband behaved a bit differently...
See, it's not even about the number of minutes or hours he spends with DS...it's exactly what beachmel described, being that kind of man, that kind of father - that I feel he'll never be...EVEN if he stepped up and did more, it's just not what he is like, I feel like he's not one to ever truly sacrifice his own comfort and preferences for us...and for some reason I never realized that before, and it makes me sort of sad...That's exactly what my dad is like and what I've grown up with...so for me, it's disappointing not to see that in him. It's sad to realize that our parents, who btw also all still work and have other responsibilities and have already raised their kids - that they were so much more reliable and quick to step up and offer help whenever possible - even though they didn't have to, DS is our kid, not theirs. I had sooo much more support, not just help but emotionally and morally, in my family, like I had someone to lean on in case something happened, and it was unconditional - not a bartering of who does more and 'it's not my job' like it happens with DH. And I don't feel that in DH, I don't feel I can truly lean on him when it comes to our own child - which is the opposite of what it should be like, because WE are the nuclear family! I guess it's this that really bothers me the most about the whole situation, NOT the time management or discipline or all these details...it's the big picture..
I'll admit I took your OP as more griping that YOU needed hubby to help with your son for YOU to have free time. Now if all you were saying is you want him to give his son more time and attention, I'd be agreeing with you. Its a sorry man who wont give up his free time for his own child, imo. Like I already stated, you'll have all the free time you want when the kids are grown.
I think you've both made this about each other, instead of your child. Sounds like he resents spending time with his child, cause its letting you go have fun or rest. You also see his free time as giving you more time childrearing alone. Comparing times with the boy should stop, and both should want to do kiddie things as a family, imo. Too bad you dont have a brother close by to do the manly things with your son, cause I'd be rubbing it in my DH's face. That sounds mean, but its cruel not teach a young boy how to grow up to become a fine young man.
I'd start telling him its not about you, its about his son needing his daddy.
Cookie- you need to dust yourself off and go about living a fulfilled life. If your husband wants to come along or not is his choice. My husband is a HUGE gamer. When it was affecting our life, I blew up and told him so. I stopped asking him to do anything, go anywhere and had a blast with MY kids. He noticed. He saw the pictures I'd upload to FB and read the stories I never told him. All we discussed was the details of life that affected him and our plans for the day with no guilt-trips or embellishments to prod him to go. Why should I have told him what WE were up to and how we'd enjoyed something? He didn't seem to care. At first. Then he felt left out and insisted on helping. The minute he'd get huffy, I'd tell him to stay home... insisted he stay home and play video games. We didn't need him stressing everyone out during OUR good time. Yes- I'd come home in a sweat and my nerves spliced neatly... and put the kids down for a nap they were d@mn ready for! lol. That was my exercise routine. Carrying around a baby against my chest while putting children into/out of carseats and pushing around a double stroller was some insane sort of workout. But people compliment you, on how you handle it, and it pumps up some pride in yourself... ready to come home, mentally refreshed, and gloat to your husband. When you handle things well, it does a lot for YOURSELF. It reminds your husband of why he adores you... and when they're stewing and have nothing to stew about because the house is clean and the family is clean and everyone EXCEPT him is happy? That's a HUGE wake-up call. He will soon see that his family is enjoying life and he is CHOOSING to not be a part of it. My husband has Asperger's - he's a tough nut to crack and is hard-wired to not give a $h!t - but that was enough for even him.
It changed everything. If you treat every outing and quality time like it's a chore that needs to be shared, he won't want any part of it. Why would he want to join you in what you display (no matter how you phrase it to him) as a negative thing?
Fantastic! Yes, you know what? That really does get a person's goat, doesn't it? "We're heading out for the day....taking a picnic and going to the lake!!" Then when they find out what a fabulous time you had, well...just seemed unfair that they didn't get to enjoy it with you all.
Okay, I gotta admit though...there have been several times when the kids have actually talked HUBBY into taking them to do stuff though, and I have worked off my hind end, just getting a cooler filled with sandwiches, goodies and drinks....then sent them off without me. LOL The minute the car left the driveway....all I could do was say, "Ooooohhhh, my gaaaaawd....it's soooo quiet! Peace....oh sweet Jesus...peace at last!"
Okay, MAYBE a little twinge of regret when they came home with the happy stories and pictures, but still.....what I needed at the time was just peace and quiet, and the opportunity to leisurely do whatever! LOL
I'll admit I took your OP as more griping that YOU needed hubby to help with your son for YOU to have free time. Now if all you were saying is you want him to give his son more time and attention, I'd be agreeing with you. Its a sorry man who wont give up his free time for his own child, imo. Like I already stated, you'll have all the free time you want when the kids are grown.
I think you've both made this about each other, instead of your child. Sounds like he resents spending time with his child, cause its letting you go have fun or rest. You also see his free time as giving you more time childrearing alone. Comparing times with the boy should stop, and both should want to do kiddie things as a family, imo. Too bad you dont have a brother close by to do the manly things with your son, cause I'd be rubbing it in my DH's face. That sounds mean, but its cruel not teach a young boy how to grow up to become a fine young man.
I'd start telling him its not about you, its about his son needing his daddy.
You know what though...you're so right. I mean, maybe if EC had a male figure, perhaps another daddy with a son who enjoyed play days? The boy really could use some guy time and perhaps if old daddy realized that SOMEone was going to be a positive male figure in his life, if he couldn't be bothered...he'd get a little jealous?
Of course. People have to eat.
But making the money is not parenting.
a. You'd have to do it anyway for you to live.
b. You wouldn't call someone who just sent a check every month a 'father' or a 'mother,' would you?
God, I hope not, but I'm beginning to wonder.
Thank you! That was exactly the point I was trying to make.
Some people are just stuck on this idea that when it's a man, he doesn't have to be a fully engaged parent as long as he earns enough money. Being a good father involves A LOT more than earning an income. I've seen plenty of children who are miserable because they have a father who gives them everything financially, but very little emotion, or time.
I've also seen amazing fathers (and mothers) who work two jobs, and are completely exhausted, but they still give every free minute they can to their children, and put everything aside if their child needs them, they know that while their children are growing up, things like extra sleep and hobbies come second, or never.
Children need financial support, that's essential, but they also need love and attention from both parents, money will never make up for a lack of that.
Eaxctly! I just don't get that viewpoint Sure, it's a huge, important contribution. But it's not the same as being a true parent, it's not the same as contributing to RAISING a child! A child needs an actual father to do things with, to be raised by - I not some mythical figure that he barely sees who is 'making the money', he needs a father, not an ATM! Like people said here, no one would let off a working mother that easily! I mean think about it - if a single mother is supporting a child on her own, does that absolve her of any other parenting duties?? Is it okay for her to get home, head to the computer and ignore her child for most of the night? Is it okay to spend weekends sleeping and playing video games while the child runs around on his own? Not that DH gets to do that, 'cause I don't let him, lol, but he WOULD if I didn't come up with places for us to go and things to do, I literally feel that's what he'd do all weekend...
beachmel, thanks for that story! That gives me hope, because I do see similar glimpses in DH...like after arguments he'll often tell me that I was right and apologize...but I need to first back off and give him time to cool off, because in the midst of it he gets mean and irrational. I'll try to keep up with the cheerful attitude, that's a good thing to keep in mind because his behaviour tends to get me all riled up real quick and I get pissy and defensive, especially when he throws out exaggerations that are clearly not true, it really bugs my 'fairness' sense, lol. I'll try to remind myself to just ignore it...
Beachmel quote:
"Honey, I said it before and I'll say it again...you can NOT allow his Grumbly Gus attitude to affect YOU. It will pass. The minute you let it drag you down, the battle is lost. I promise you that. You can not choose his attitude. You can only choose how you respond to it. It's damn hard to stay grumpy when you're not getting a reaction to it and the person you're grumbly at continues to be upbeat. Moods can be contagious, but YOU have to decide that you're not going to catch HIS grumpiness. Make it FUN and just keep pushing forward. You're both new at this. BTW....you need to just forget how things were in your family. Clearly, he did not have that example....and for the record, your father might not ALWAYS have been this way....early on in his marriage and parenthood. Many of them get far better with time, once they get more comfortable. Hang in there sister.....you're in this together, but you might just need to be the "Mrs. Cheerful persistent one" for a while. ((((hugs)))) Hang in there. All is not lost!"
That is good advice! It's not going to be easy, things probably won't change overnight, but if you stick it out there's a good chance he can change. You have nothing to lose by trying, and a lot to gain for both you, and your son.
I'm also trying to change something in my own relationship, a way that we react to each other that really bothers me. Basically, I know that I have to be the "bigger man" for now, because I'm the one that wants to see that this change happens. I know it's not easy, there are times I just want to explode because I feel that I am right, and this should be obvious to him, but you have to suck that up. I have tendency to be a bit prideful, so trust me when I say this is not easy for me.
It's working, there are moments when things feel really good, and I can see the better future. I can see that he's noticing the change in me, and responding differently, he's coming along, and changing too. It's not easy, sometimes we fall back into old ways, but I know I just have to keep going until it becomes second nature for both of us. Relationships are hard, they are definitely work, but relationships can also be great, and at times our partner can bring out the best in us, and we in them.
Just came home from a birthday party for three little girls (twins, 4, younger daughter, 2).
The mom is a PhD plasma physicist who heads her department at a very well-known company.
She made 2 soups, 3 kinds of bread, chicken salad, egg salad, cookies, pink lemonade, and cheesecake. From scratch. And then she SEWED all of her girls' outfits for the party.
Their home is filled with artwork that she drew or painted HERSELF. All her xmas gifts are handmade. I have a lovely blanket she made me with my alma mater colors.
This is old hat at her house. They have no help - no maids, no gardeners, etc.
All this, and she has a STAY AT HOME DAD husband (who also is a bad-ass - raises the girls, keeps the house, runs errands, built a deck and landscaped the entire backyard himself, etc).
Please explain to me how I am supposed to accept any lame-o excuse for this pathetic gamer 'dad' the op tells us about.
Just came home from a birthday party for three little girls (twins, 4, younger daughter, 2).
The mom is a PhD plasma physicist who heads her department at a very well-known company.
She made 2 soups, 3 kinds of bread, chicken salad, egg salad, cookies, pink lemonade, and cheesecake. From scratch. And then she SEWED all of her girls' outfits for the party.
Their home is filled with artwork that she drew or painted HERSELF. All her xmas gifts are handmade. I have a lovely blanket she made me with my alma mater colors.
This is old hat at her house. They have no help - no maids, no gardeners, etc.
All this, and she has a STAY AT HOME DAD husband (who also is a bad-ass - raises the girls, keeps the house, runs errands, built a deck and landscaped the entire backyard himself, etc).
Please explain to me how I am supposed to accept any lame-o excuse for this pathetic gamer 'dad' the op tells us about.
Wow, I consider myself pretty successful, but that's making me feel a bit inadequate, lol.
It sounds to me that this woman is doing a great job financially supporting her family, and she still manages to be a highly involved parent, sewing her daughters outfits, and planning for, and cooking for their parties herself. No less involvement should be expected of a man.
Of course. People have to eat.
But making the money is not parenting.
a. You'd have to do it anyway for you to live.
b. You wouldn't call someone who just sent a check every month a 'father' or a 'mother,' would you?
God, I hope not, but I'm beginning to wonder.
WOW. You just insulted every parent in the military who is deployed. Yes I would consider someone who supported their children, even if they couldn't be there, a parent.
What happens if no one supports the children financially? What is their quality of life? You say that supporting your kids is NOT a contribution to parenting???? It's a HUGE contribution to parenting. It makes EVERYTHING else possible.
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And that I would be so much happier if my husband behaved a bit differently...
Sure, it's a huge, important contribution. But it's not the same as being a true parent, it's not the same as contributing to RAISING a child! A child needs an actual father to do things with, to be raised by - I not some mythical figure that he barely sees who is 'making the money', he needs a father, not an ATM! Like people said here, no one would let off a working mother that easily! I mean think about it - if a single mother is supporting a child on her own, does that absolve her of any other parenting duties?? Is it okay for her to get home, head to the computer and ignore her child for most of the night? Is it okay to spend weekends sleeping and playing video games while the child runs around on his own? Not that DH gets to do that, 'cause I don't let him, lol, but he WOULD if I didn't come up with places for us to go and things to do, I literally feel that's what he'd do all weekend...
Yes I would consider someone who supported their children, even if they couldn't be there, a parent. 
