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She is a SAHM. She SHOULD be doing 100% of the housework
Just to clarify, that's never been in question, the OP is happy to do 100% of the household work, cooking, cleaning, etc. She is only asking that her husband help parent his own son. That's all this has ever been about.
And that it's not something the OP is unwittingly encouraging in her own son. Both by her seeming willingness to cater to him but in her modeling that it is acceptable behavior in an adult relationship.
You're absolutely right, MM. I have a feeling that all of this stuff is just coming into the light with EC right now.
EC? It is vital, absolutely VITAL...that, while you're raising your child, you keep in mind that this boy see how parents should behave. It is very important that he is taught, starting at a young age, that everything is not about him. We have an obligation to our children. We are obligated to take care of them, but there are so many important things to teach them as well. It is your responsibility to do everything in your power, to see to it that he has respect for others, as well as a strong sense of empathy for others.
You don't want to have your grandchildren raised by someone like your husband, do you? You don't want a future DIL to have to deal with the same things you're dealing with right now...right? It is up to you, a big part of your job as a mother, to raise a son who has the skills and the heart, to be a great husband and a great father. I know that's kind of a far-reaching goal to have for a 3 year old, but honestly, it's something that has to be done. Bless you EC. You have a long road ahead of you, but it's do-able and getting some help for your husband now, is a great way to start.
Oh....and do read what maciesmom said, okay? Seriously, don't over-cater to your son and don't continue to allow hubby to get away with this selfish behavior. He needs to understand what the potential damage to his own child will be, should he continue on this path.
I don't think rejecting collaboration in the home is going to lead to a successful home life and healthy family. It's a childish position.
Really? It works well in my home and many other homes with a SAHP. The SAHP should do all the housework while the working parent works to provide financially for the family. If all the household chores are taken care of during the day, which should be no problem with only one child who is age of OP's child.
I mean really:
"On a typical day DH usually spends about 1-1.5 hours with DS after getting home at 6pm.. then DH does his bath" STATED RIGHT BY THE OP.
So the father is spending at least 1-1.5 hours EVERY DAY after coming home at 6pm. So up until around 730ish when the little one should be getting to bed anyway? He probably comes home and plays with the kid before he even sits down to eat!
And she is complaining?! Some fathers don't even spend 5 mins with their kid! For someone who doesn't even get home until 6pm and spending time with a his kid, I say right up until his bedtime is pretty damn good
The she goes onto say:
"usually I’ll take 40-60 minutes to do something like cook, grocery shop (so that I’m not dragging DS around a germy store unnecessarily), or go the gym a couple times a week."
This is ALL stuff she can do DURING THE DAY! She can use that 40-60mins (which is really up to 1.5hours that the father is with the son) to do relaxing, fun things instead.
Why does the kitchen and shower need cleaned at night? Spend the time with the spouse and clean that crap the next day when he is at work!
Really? It works well in my home and many other homes with a SAHP. The SAHP should do all the housework while the working parent works to provide financially for the family. If all the household chores are taken care of during the day, which should be no problem with only one child who is age of OP's child.
I mean really:
"On a typical day DH usually spends about 1-1.5 hours with DS after getting home at 6pm.. then DH does his bath" STATED RIGHT BY THE OP.
So the father is spending at least 1-1.5 hours EVERY DAY after coming home at 6pm. So up until around 730ish when the little one should be getting to bed anyway? He probably comes home and plays with the kid before he even sits down to eat!
And she is complaining?! Some fathers don't even spend 5 mins with their kid! For someone who doesn't even get home until 6pm and spending time with a his kid, I say right up until his bedtime is pretty damn good
The she goes onto say:
"usually I’ll take 40-60 minutes to do something like cook, grocery shop (so that I’m not dragging DS around a germy store unnecessarily), or go the gym a couple times a week."
This is ALL stuff she can do DURING THE DAY! She can use that 40-60mins (which is really up to 1.5hours that the father is with the son) to do relaxing, fun things instead.
Why does the kitchen and shower need cleaned at night? Spend the time with the spouse and clean that crap the next day when he is at work!
You're either being deliberately obtuse, or didn't read the various followups on what that 1-1.5 hours entails. Sitting your lazy butt on a couch to watch TV while your kid plays on the floor is NOT quality time. I'd be pissed off if a babysitter did that, let alone a parent, on a daily basis.
The father is a man-child, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the mother is trying to make up for it during the day, though the child will suffer for it.
... don't continue to allow hubby to get away with this selfish behavior.
But ultimately, EC cannot FORCE her hub to change his behavior. Short of chopping his hands off or other such drastic measures, it is not really up to her to "allow" him to "get away with this selfish behavior." She can try any number of methods that MIGHT lead to change, including:
1. Calm, rational discussion, presenting facts, research about parenting, etc.
2. Argue, create anger and resentment
3. Simply inform hub that she will be leaving the house for a couple hours, and he must take care of son
4. Don't talk about it, hope he eventually changes
But no one here knows hub's personality well enough to predict which, if any, of these options might be of some help, or which might just be a quicker path to divorce court.
It sounds like hub has an addictive attachment (I'm hesitant to call it an actual "addiction") to his video games. I wonder if he would be willing to take a challenge: can he survive one week without playing these games? Perhaps EC and hub could TOGETHER come up with a list of things they could do TOGETHER as a couple and as a family each evening for a week INSTEAD of him zoning out to video games. EC, you would need to present this idea in a very loving, concerned, and appealing way, and with suggestions/open-mindedness for activities that genuinely appeal to hub.
I don't know....I'm just thinking that sometimes men like a challenge, and maybe if he actually is faced with the question of whether or not he has the strength and willpower to give up the games for a week (although you will NOT present it in those terms), maybe, just maybe, he would give it a try. And maybe he would discover just how enjoyable and rewarding spending time actively immersed in his family can be.
Just trying to come up with some possible solutions amidst this sea of bickering.
Why??? There is not 40+ hours of housework to do in a week. And I know this isn't really even related to the OPs issue, but since this topic has crept into this thread, I'd like to understand your thinking.
Let's say there is 25 hours of housework/grocery shopping/etc to be done each week (and that is probably a very HIGH estimate), and the working parent puts in anywhere from 50-60 hours a week for the job plus commute. Why in the world should some of the 25 hours of housework be shifted to the person already doing 50+ hours of work/commuting?
That makes absolutely no sense to me. Sure, after dinner, both parents can carry their dishes to the dishwasher, little things like that in the evening, but I see no reason that the SAHP shouldn't take care of almost everything at home. If I'm missing something, please fill me in.
She works all day around the home and expects to be able to put her feet up and relax, but if husband does the same after working all day, he is a lazy bum? Umm ok, got it.
You know, there are SOME days where my husband is down right exhausted after working. He is out the door by 4-430am and isn't home until 730, sometimes 8, sometimes 9pm, many nights even later (military). Some days when he does come in his quality time with the kid is sitting on the couch! He will watch a tv show and the boy will sit with him. Or play next to him. They talk back in forth to one another, have conversations that I am not privy too (funny weird stories the two make up) but it is THERE time. It is how THEY choose to spend their quality time together. Sometimes it is hallway soccer or basketball, Lego, whatever. I don't expect my husband to dictate my play time with my son and I shouldn't dictate to him how to spend the one and one time with his son. My son isn't being neglected and he is thankful for the time they get together. I know that if I walk away that the house won't burn down and that my son is being care for by someone who loves him as much as he loves that person.
Obviously the OP feels the same, that her son is safe with the husband, if she can go off to the gym or grocery shop! The child, who is almost 4yrs old btw, will let the father know if he is feeling left out. Maybe he is content with how their quality time is being spent, maybe it isn't as bad as the OP thinks it is....
I mean, how much housework can be needed for a small family of three where the child is almost 4 years old that you are slaving around the house all day?? My only son is 5 and I will tell you, I MAYBE do an hour of housework every day, some days I have nothing to do. Yes, my son is in school now, has been since preschool, which you could look into for your child for maybe 3 days a week, but even at 3 years old he was helping out around the house with chores.
Really? It works well in my home and many other homes with a SAHP. The SAHP should do all the housework while the working parent works to provide financially for the family. If all the household chores are taken care of during the day, which should be no problem with only one child who is age of OP's child.
Who ever is home with the child should be focussing on the intellectual and physiological development of the child, rather than propping the kid in front of the TV so all the housework can be done, bills paid, and meals made. Well, those would be the priorities in my house.
Quote:
And she is complaining?! Some fathers don't even spend 5 mins with their kid! For someone who doesn't even get home until 6pm and spending time with a his kid, I say right up until his bedtime is pretty damn good
And she also stated that this man prioritizes video games over his kid. What else can be said about that? There is no justification band-aide to cover the fact that he's a mediocre dullard. And she might be as well (birds of feather and all), but it's irrelevant to my point that your position is nonsense...for parents with high standards. My job is more taxing than my husband's. My commute adds hours to my day in comparison, and I subsequently earn more. I don't keep score in the way of household duties because I'm not a five year old. I'll want my husband taking my daughter to the children's museum, the science museum, on hikes giving botony lessons, etc during the day in order to expand her mind with the time he has. If that means I will have more housework at night, because she'll be sleeping, then that's fine. Clearly, this is a matter of priorities and I will prioritize my kid.
Who ever is home with the child should be focussing on the intellectual and physiological development of the child, rather than propping the kid in front of the TV so all the housework can be done, bills paid, and meals made.
Because tv vs spending 100% of your time "enriching" your 3yo are your only too options, clearly. Funny because 3yos actually think helping is fun.
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