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Have your husband spank him. Contrary to popular belief, it is legal.
This is terrible, terrible advice.
Also, practicing law without a license is a felony in most states. You have no idea what the standards for child abuse are in her jurisdiction.
Plus, this kid is 15. WTF.
To the OP:
Sounds like you got a good husband and a good stepfather for your kid. Good for you, and don't hold it against him.
The real problem here is the kid's biological father. Let your son get to know him, he may have his eyes opened...
My situation was much different. My mother was a royal pain in the ass, and I was the only one in the family that would stand up to her...and today I'm the only one she respects.
I am dealing with the same issue, myson is 15, truly gifted, IQ over 150, honors classes, etc. He is so kind to everyone except those living in our home. He is exceptionally horrid to his 13 yo brother, verbally and emotionally abusive and sometimes even a shove, and he is mean to his 8yo sister. Me, forget it, I may as well be dead. My husband is supportive, but my son just doesn't get it, and he is truly ripping up our family. We've done counseling, tough love, etc nothing seems to work, so I am going to just have to harden my heart and protect my two younger kids, and let the chips fall where they may. I am tired of the migraines and heartache, literally, from my eldest child.
It takes two to argue. I had a very defiant stepson (who was much bigger than I and a know-it-all) and I consulted with a good friend (psychiatrist) and he simply said . . . "it takes two to argue." I was miffed - b/c I had felt assaulted by my stepson and his constant picking, his defiance, his determination to show he was "in charge" . . . but after discussing it further, it hit me . . . all I had to do was not get engaged in the BS, refuse to respond (walk out, put on headphones, ignore, whatever) and when my stepson gave me a hateful response, just smile or - ignore. I wanted my stepson to be sweet to me as he had when he was younger; I wanted him to enjoy being together, etc. but I came to see - this wasn't about ME - it was about helping him mature and refocus his own energy and impulses.
Amazingly, once I refused to get sucked into the chaos, life settled down. It wasn't easy but it taught me a new set of coping skills that I have continued to use with toxic people. If you can take your own hurt feelings out of the equation and realize this is not about you, but about raising your son in a peaceful environment (regardless of the contention being HIS invention) . . . this technique can often work.
I wish you the best. Having a child treat you this way is demoralizing and hurts to the core. As King Lear said . . . "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child."
Hi,
My son is extremely disrespectful to me, his mom. He readily admits he has no respect for me. I have been the best mother I could be.
He is also an Honor student who is very responsible in doing his h/work, getting to the bus on time, etc. There are NO problems with academics whatsoever. It's primarily his behavior towards ME that is the problem.
Everyone in the outside world whom meets my son, has nothing but nice things to say about him and how nice of a person he is.....just as a sidenote.
He finds every chance he can to pick a fight with me. He instigates until a normal conversation about how it's a beautiful day-turns into a debate then a full-blown controversy and then full-blown fight. He seems to strive to HURT me every chance he can.
He does have his very nice and good days-and when they happen, I am very appreciative. We were very close as he grew up but he also has been a very strong-willed child and difficult in ways like he was always quite argumentative as a child and now worse into teenhood. This was very trying for me as a young single mother-which I was single until I married my current husband 7yrs ago.
He makes our home environment very tension filled when he behaves like this. I would say he has an 'outburst' to me atleast once a week. It is often brought on when he doesn't get his way or when I have a differing opinion on some topic we might be nicely discussing, he always manages to bring it to that negative level where it then leads into a controversy and then before I know it wham! he's full-blown mad now.....and downhill it goes.
He aims below the belt and tries his hardest to intimidate me. He curses and sometimes gets in my face. He then calls his father whom we separated (were never married) when my son was 18mo old...and bashes me on the phone to the dad, saying awful things and lies to help his cause-in his locked room-for me to hear and the father I am sure readily agrees with my son. The dad is just as bad verbally towards me, when he gets angered. But son is never around for this, it's usually via a phone call between the dad and I.
My husband has been and is a very respectful person so my son has seen this since he was 4 (when I met husband)...so no bad influences here.
Sometimes he gets violent and hits things in his room with the door shut.
My husband is a police officer. My son never/rarely behaves like this when my husband is home.
It's time to call for tough love. Can some of you give me some tips on appropriate tough love? Do I cut off my son in that he will get no more 'niceties' from me, like rides, $, favors, special hot cookies at night as a snack....etc? Where do you draw the line as far as if the situation is a 'tough love' situation?
Last night after one of his temper flares/outbursts of anger to me, I made him the normal 3 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for him to eat today before his Freshman FB game so he'd have some protein/energy for the game. Well, when I spoke with my counselor briefly on the phone today, she said 'NO way, why did you make him those sandwiches when he can do it himself and after he treated you that way?? You need to use tough love!!' That's what she said to me.
Honestly, I am confused. To me, making him the sandwiches are my job as his mother and one of the basic things that I am required to do for a kid of mine. This is where the tough love line is a little fuzzy to me....can someone clarify on how to tell if and when it's time to use TOUGH LOVE or not?
Thanks! I am just sick and more so....tired of the abuse.
You have to put your foot down, but not when you and he are angry. Wait until you have a calm evening, maybe even enlist your husband, since he doesn't flare in front of him. Speak to him like another adult. You would like...... have a list, What you expect, what he gets in return........if you are seeing a counselor, you must be having some issues, and perhaps your counselor could refer you and your son for counseling to another counselor. If he is getting good grades etc, you have won half the battle, these are important things for the rest of his life.
His real father is not helping when he is allowing himself to be engaged in the berating during phone calls, that is just feeding this. In many arenas this is consider child abuse, to participate in running down the other parent. I would say to ride it out, it could be an age thing, and in most cases this does happen to some degree when a kid hits teens. You really must be the bigger person, when he tries to push your buttons, you absolutely must not engage in that. That will show him a boundary. For instance, He starts mouthing off. You say, Please go to your room until you can speak to me in a civil tone. Make him understand that a debate or shared opinions is fine, but resorting to belligerence, and rudeness is not...Loss of phone priveledges is what results. Door can come off, that can be a punishment too. He should be able to expect 3 squares, clean clothes, help w/ home work, rides to and from school and school sports. Extras like a tv in his room, cell phone, friday night to the movies, etc is an "extra" Also, make sure there is nothing going on at school?? My GRandson became just horrible when we had found out he was being bullied at school. This is not an excuse, but kids your sons age still aren't equiped w/ the right language skills at times. You are his mother, you love him unconditionally, you are the one he can/will act out against. It does happen this way. Also, does he know that you are in counseling, and why?? Is it because of him?? Or would he think it was his fault?? Kids react to these fears, you are his rock, his Dad is only partially in his life...You have always been there, he may be worried about you, and acting angry...Have a sit down w/ him, just a quiet visit...not the talk....maybe go have a burger together, something he likes, arcade games?? Anything that takes the pressure to perform off both of you. A "buddy" type outing. Whatever you do, do not give up on this kid, kids have difficult times as teens, much of it is not deliberate....We as adults have to model the behavior we want them to learn. Do not engage in arguing. You are the Mom, what you say goes, be fair but firm...Short to the point sentences. No arguing, no you statements. Use "I" statements. "I would like you to rephrase what you just said to me, using appropriate language." I want you to take out the garbage and clean the den, when you are done we will make cookies together...Sit and have them w/ him....watch a program w/ him, hang in and hang on...I raised 5 children, 4 sons...most of the time I was single parent, or the only involved parent. It is not easy, but get parenting classes, support groups, your counselor....and just love him through this. When your child comes to you in about 3-4 yrs and says Mom, I am so glad you were strict on me.
Hi,
My son is extremely disrespectful to me, his mom. He readily admits he has no respect for me. I have been the best mother I could be.
He is also an Honor student who is very responsible in doing his h/work, getting to the bus on time, etc. There are NO problems with academics whatsoever. It's primarily his behavior towards ME that is the problem.
Everyone in the outside world whom meets my son, has nothing but nice things to say about him and how nice of a person he is.....just as a sidenote.
He finds every chance he can to pick a fight with me. He instigates until a normal conversation about how it's a beautiful day-turns into a debate then a full-blown controversy and then full-blown fight. He seems to strive to HURT me every chance he can.
He does have his very nice and good days-and when they happen, I am very appreciative. We were very close as he grew up but he also has been a very strong-willed child and difficult in ways like he was always quite argumentative as a child and now worse into teenhood. This was very trying for me as a young single mother-which I was single until I married my current husband 7yrs ago.
He makes our home environment very tension filled when he behaves like this. I would say he has an 'outburst' to me atleast once a week. It is often brought on when he doesn't get his way or when I have a differing opinion on some topic we might be nicely discussing, he always manages to bring it to that negative level where it then leads into a controversy and then before I know it wham! he's full-blown mad now.....and downhill it goes.
He aims below the belt and tries his hardest to intimidate me. He curses and sometimes gets in my face. He then calls his father whom we separated (were never married) when my son was 18mo old...and bashes me on the phone to the dad, saying awful things and lies to help his cause-in his locked room-for me to hear and the father I am sure readily agrees with my son. The dad is just as bad verbally towards me, when he gets angered. But son is never around for this, it's usually via a phone call between the dad and I.
My husband has been and is a very respectful person so my son has seen this since he was 4 (when I met husband)...so no bad influences here.
Sometimes he gets violent and hits things in his room with the door shut.
My husband is a police officer. My son never/rarely behaves like this when my husband is home.
It's time to call for tough love. Can some of you give me some tips on appropriate tough love? Do I cut off my son in that he will get no more 'niceties' from me, like rides, $, favors, special hot cookies at night as a snack....etc? Where do you draw the line as far as if the situation is a 'tough love' situation?
Last night after one of his temper flares/outbursts of anger to me, I made him the normal 3 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for him to eat today before his Freshman FB game so he'd have some protein/energy for the game. Well, when I spoke with my counselor briefly on the phone today, she said 'NO way, why did you make him those sandwiches when he can do it himself and after he treated you that way?? You need to use tough love!!' That's what she said to me.
Honestly, I am confused. To me, making him the sandwiches are my job as his mother and one of the basic things that I am required to do for a kid of mine. This is where the tough love line is a little fuzzy to me....can someone clarify on how to tell if and when it's time to use TOUGH LOVE or not?
Thanks! I am just sick and more so....tired of the abuse.
I feel terribly for you and as I read this my heart is breaking.
I strongly think that you should have him evaluated by a competent therapist in an in-patient setting. Do this for two reasons - to rule out and mental disorder (i.e. bi-polar disorder) AND to break the cycle of abuse.
Make no mistake about it, YOU are the victim of abuse here!
While he is in the hospital - he has reason to be evaluated on the basis of mood swings and violence, I would tell him in front of the therapist what behavior you will accept and what you will not.
I would take everything he has away from him - computer, I-pod, TV, cell phone all "teenage equipment". If he is on a team,TAKE HIM OFF! You know his currency. Take it away.
Restrict him and treat him as you would if he were failing in school! I'll bet you would "pull out the stops" for that one! WELL THIS IS MORE SERIOUS!
He is abusing you! This does not auger well for his relationships in the future. Especially with women.
His FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN LIFE IS TO BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING. He is failing at that.
This will not go away. He will not grow out of it.
He has shown that he knows how to behave - towards other people.
Outside of the house.
As others have said he should earn back everything! From the posters on his walls to his video games. You know his currency - the things he loves.
TAKE THEM AWAY.
The only thing you need to give him, is a roof over his head, suitable attire a bed to sleep in, and food to eat.
He NEEDS nothing else. I would keep him in Therapy - but with a like minded therapist - not one who wants to be "his friend"
I really do not think that your son is bi-polar or has an organic disorder. I think he is ornery and that this will not get better if you go nothing.
Have your husband spank him. Contrary to popular belief, it is legal. If he's in the habit of locking his door, take off the doorknob. I don't see why you permit a phone in his room either.
Depending upon where you live, I agree. Know your rights as a parent!
I would also take the door off his room AND not permit him to use the phone.
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