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I am an step mother of a 13 year old daughter. I married her father six years ago. Her mother died of cancer a little over a year ago. When she came to live with us full time we had an issue of her accusing my husband of doing things to her. All of this because we took her ipod away. When we acquired her iPod we found that she was sending inappropriate pictures to male individuals. After a long while we decided that she could have her ipod back. Under very strict rules with it, that is. Things were going very good and we decided to give her a phone. There were also rules with that such as when it was to be used and when it was to be turned off at night and so on. So last night it was 1 in the morning and I heard her on her phone and her dad went in there and took her phone and iPod again. After looking through her iPod we found out that she is yet again sending the inappropriate pictures and this time there was a video. We have talked to her time and time again the repercussions of her actions and it just seems that she doesn't get it. I am at a loss and do not know what to do. I am just wondering if anyone out there has been through this or knows anyone who has been through this that could maybe help me out.
Thank you in advance.
Last edited by s1ann; 03-03-2013 at 09:48 PM..
Reason: never finished it
Boys today have easy, unlimited access to every kind of pornography imaginable. This has led to boys having a sense of entitlement and a need for instant gratification concerning girls' and womens' bodies. The boys your daughter goes to school with can look at naked women any time they want. If they want to see one of their classmates naked or performing sex acts, they ask for such footage. If the girl says no, they can either surf for a pornographic image that meets their "needs" or move on to another classmate. Either way, the boy will get what he wants.
It is easy to tell our daughters all of the reasons not to take and distribute pornographic pictures of themselves. But it can be really difficult for some girls to get ignored by the boys at school and see that the only way other girls are getting male attention is by providing whatever images the boys request.
One piece of advice I do have for you is to do everything you can to bring this program to your daughter's school:
This group of young people is doing a real service educating youth on the health risks of pornography. Their organization focuses on education only, not religion or legislation, and acts almost as a warning label for pornography. The vast majority of young porn users have no idea about the health implications of pornography consumption. We educate our kids on the dangers of smoking and drugs. It's time we inform them about the consequences of porn use. Changing the culture at your daughter's school could make a big difference in the whole supply / demand dynamic of the stuff you're concerned about.
I focus on pornography in my response to you, OP, because it is at the root of the issue. Your daughter is being asked to make and distribute child pornography. She feels she must do it in order to get or keep attention from male classmates because if she says no, they'll ignore her and move on to the next girl or fall back on pornography.
Basically, your daughter wants attention from her male classmates. The most effective way for her to get it is to provide pornographic images of herself. She's being heavily reinforced (through attention) for sending the images. Reinforcement will cause her to continue the behavior, even if there are peripheral unpleasant consequences. The only hope here is working through why she is so desperate for male attention. Although wanting boys to like you isn't so "weird" for a teenage girl. I feel she is actually normal and it is society that's sick.
After reading your OP again, I considered that maybe the images are being sent to men she's meeting online, and not to classmates. Information about the recipients of her pictures & video could be useful for us answering your question. If she is sending these images to random people online, I see it as a slightly different situation than if this is part of her school's culture.
In either case, I still know you've got to explore your daughter's motivation behind this behavior. Why does she crave this form of attention, what makes her feel that the sexual gratification of others is her purpose as a human being, etc. There may be a serious underlying issue that needs addressing, or she may just be a victim of American society.
I agree with K9 that she is seeking attention. Losing her mother at 12 must have been rough. Both of my daughters, not to mention just about every girl we've known, turned into people we didn't know at about 12. They really do go from sweet to nasty overnight. Add to that losing a mother and, wow, its going to be tough. What your daughter is doing is dangerous. Take away and keep the phone and iPod until you feel she can use them appropriately. If she needs her phone to contact you about after school activities get her one without a camera. They're harder to find but they're still out there. Meanwhile counseling may be necessary. Or one on one time with you or dad. Or a new sport or after school activity she enjoys. Maybe a form of martial arts. Something to keep her busy and help build her self esteem and confidence. My girls "hated" me until they were about 16, but they always knew I loved them.
She's most likely seeking attention. Is she aware that these photos will be around forever? If her name is attached to these photos, it's as easy as a Google search. Isn't she afraid that the school can see these? Or when she starts her career that potential employers can find them?
If she were my step-daughter or daughter I would not ever give her the Ipod again. She had it removed once and she knew why and knew that was not acceptable to you. She then turns around and does the same thing and worse. I also would not allow her to use the computer as well. She is only 13 and if you and your husband don't nip this in the bud now it will only get worse as she gets to be 15/16 etc.
If she were my step-daughter or daughter I would not ever give her the Ipod again. She had it removed once and she knew why and knew that was not acceptable to you. She then turns around and does the same thing and worse. I also would not allow her to use the computer as well. She is only 13 and if you and your husband don't nip this in the bud now it will only get worse as she gets to be 15/16 etc.
I agree. I think these devices are not appropriate for some kids that age and obviously she is not ready for that kind of freedom.
However she needs a computer and to take that away would be too much. I would make sure the computer is in a family area and she is not allowed to use it at night. put necessary blocks and check what she is up to and let her know her computer use is being monitored until she proves she is more mature.
She definitely needs some help. Somebody to discuss her grief, the divorce, etc. Getting some counselling at this stage of her life might keep her from making some really bad mistakes down the line.
Take away the phone and iPod IMMEDIATELY. At this point it is not as much about punishment but protection. She is obviously too vulnerable for these right now.
In our area there is a counseling center that deals specifically with teens and families, and this is one of their fastest-growing areas of service. I have included a link so that maybe you can find a place in your area that provides similar service.
Definitely take the iPods and phones. No computers in the bedroom etc... Grounding her won't work. What worked for my niece was my sister took her to a group counciling session twice a week. She is now allowed to have a phone but there is no camera or text features. She can only call people. Yep, they do still make those kinds of phones
She's most likely seeking attention. Is she aware that these photos will be around forever? If her name is attached to these photos, it's as easy as a Google search. Isn't she afraid that the school can see these? Or when she starts her career that potential employers can find them?
She needs to understand just how dangerous this is. I know you have had a lot of suggestions.Do you know any police officers who could talk to her. She gets with the wrong crowd she could disappear.
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