Adult Children taking care of parent?

[no kudzu]

So learn to stand up for yourself, stop being a door mat and DO SOMETHING about the things in life which are making you so miserable.
Life is not a popularity contest. You only have one time to make your own life, live up to your potential and strike out on your own. too many times folks tell themselves- "Well next year is my time." Who gives a rats ass if they become offended? If you really want to change your life you have to be determined, buck their selfishness and DO SOMETHING. Do you think it is going to get any better after 1) your mother gets older
2) your mother gets sick
3) your nephew starts school
4) you wait for a man to come rescue you
5) you win the lottery

Sit down with pencil and paper and formulate a plan with dates, etc and then work quietly towards making that plan work for you. Again, it is not selfish to want to live your own life. If you don't you may become a very bitter old resentful woman who has watched her life being consumed by others.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by no kudzu

Are these the facts?
you and your mother and nephew all live together
you are 25 and you support the three of you
mother's husband is dead
mother not yet 65
you are unhappy and want to start your own life
you have 2 sisters

If so this is a bad situation. Does your mother get her deceased husband's SS? Does your mother have legal custody of the kid? Adopted? Does his mother or father pay any child support? Is your mother capable of working?

You sister needs to step up and take responsibility for her own son and your sisters need to share the responsibilities for your mother. It is wrong for a 25 year old to be in this situation. However we train people how to treat us. You have allowed your mother and your sister(the mother of the boy) to walk all over you and nothing will change until you stand up for yourself. You say your mother doesn't understand. What she does understand is that you are willing to support her and the kid and she isn't about to turn you away. She understands that perfectly well. Why should she?. Yes she has been a good mother but that does not mean you need to sacrifice your entire future to financially support her by yourself.

Call a pow wow and tell the rest of the family it is time you started living your own life and you are taking definite steps to start that And do it. Believe me once your mother gets any older and sickness and infirmity sets in you will never get out of there. Be responsible for your own future. You can do that without throwing them to the wolves but you will have to develop a strong backbone.

Originally Posted by willow wind

X 2 on everything NoKudzu suggested.

Your mom won't be able to receive any Social Security from her deceased husband because they divorced before the ten year mark, but I think you already know that and pointed it out.

However, your mom did work for many years and she can draw her own Social Security now. Also, is she eligible for any pension from her hospital work ?

Check with any and all social services in your town and see what financial aid is available to her for her to set up her own place. She may qualify for Section 8 housing or some sort of other affordable housing.
There will also be other programs that can help with clothing, food stamps if she needs them, etc. She should be able to find a program for emergency housing just by saying she has needs a place soon as her living arrangement is terminating.

What you can't do is let this continue. You need your own life. Don't ever feel guilty about having your mom and nephew make their own way. This is not a healthy situation of any of you, especially you.

Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat

Oh, you have no idea how much I feel for you and how familiar this all sounds. I'm in a very similar situation...the one big difference is that my mother has some major health concerns. I'm 32 and also the youngest, and become the caretaker in part because of that, as the youngest child often does.

Here's my best advice. Make changes NOW. This is a very easy situation to get stuck in. Don't do what I did and get in the mindset that your time will come 'later'. If you do, sooner or later you'll look back and realize later is already gone.

You're actually starting to come to this realization earlier than I did, which is great. Like you, I adore my mother and felt she gave me a great childhood. I would tell myself that she would be gone sooner than I wanted, and there would be plenty of time to be independent. Well, that was easy to think when I was in my 20s. She's 67 now, so I might have 10-15 years of this situation. As much as I love her, that thought terrifies me.

It will be so much harder to break out of this the longer you allow it to go on. Your mother will grow more dependent and entrenched. You'll grow more entrenched in the caretaker role. Your sisters will grow more dependent on you to take care of the things they can't be bothered with. Like any bad habit, it just gets more and more difficult to stop.

Follow No Kudzu's excellent advice. And have an honest conversation with yourself about what you want for your own future and what it will take to get there. I would suggest some therapy. Once you start drawing a line in the sand, you're going to get grief from all sides, including yourself. To borrow a phrase from a very good advice columnist, this is when you need a strong 'Team You'. People who support you in standing up for yourself. One of my big problems is that I allowed the situation with my mother to isolate me and one day I looked around and realized I really didn't have a 'Team You'. Without support and a pressure valve, it is very easy to just let things ride and give up on changing them.

And be honest with your mother and siblings. "I love you, but here's what I need for this to work". And then whatever it is, hold firmly to it. If you need to have her move out, don't budge on. You can offer assistance, but make a deadline for each stage and stick with it. Your obligation to her is love and support. You are not obligated to give up your own life. If she's angry, then she's angry.

Here's the most important lesson I failed to learn. You do have a responsibility to her. We all have a responsibility to the people we love. But you also have a responsibility to yourself and that responsibility comes first. It is not a failing to take care of yourself. It is not 'wrong' to have needs of your own. You are not less valuable or less deserving than she is.

Run. Get out while you can.

These posters gave you some excellent advice.

I wrote about my cousin who stayed with her parents and cared for them for forty years!

I suspect that she could have gotten away (to live her own life) sooner if she would have tried harder to get her siblings to help. In looking back it was the first five years that were the most important for her to help her parents (in their health needs) after that her parents and her siblings just got so used to her being there that it was extremely difficult for her to leave.

My cousin ended up hating her life and sort of hating her siblings and parents. After her parents had died my cousin was so excited about finally being able to travel and to "live her own life" but she was already in her sixties and shortly afterwards got seriously ill.

She just cried and cried when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and only had a few months to live. She said "Why couldn't I have a life? Why couldn't I have my own house and family? Why did I have to stay?". It was really sad.

Please get out now while you are young enough to have a life of your own. Let your mother take care of herself and your sister should care for her own child (or maybe his dad or paternal grandparents can care for him).

Keep us posted. We care about you.