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The mother needs to know that the children have been trying to contact her. It would be best if the kids tell her themselves but if they won't then you need to. There's nothing wrong with her having "me" time, every parent needs that, but her children should know where she is and be able to contact her.
OP, I could have written most of what you did. A very, very close friend of mine is also stealing away with her new boyfriend, and not telling her kids. In this case, she isn't quite divorced yet, it should be finalized this month, and her kids are a bit older, in that they are young teens.
The "boyfriend" seems to be a very nice guy, but after her ex upset their kids by parading around his new girlfriend, my friend swore to them that she wouldn't date until she was divorced. But, she did. She thinks that by spending the school day with him, her kids are none the wiser, but yea, they know. They have confided in me.
I have kept my mouth mostly shut about the whole situation. When my friend tells me her son is acting out and mouthing off to her, she blames the ex. When she borrows her 16 yr old's clothes, her excuse is she doesn't have the money to buy more appropriate outfits.
I feel badly for all involved, but I haven't walked in her shoes. I recognize that she is terrified of not being able to provide for her children. I understand she has been through hell with her husband. And, mostly I hope her kids emerge from the entire mess the same great kids they began as.
What I don't do, is tell her any of this. I need to refrain from judging her in order to support her. I admit, it hasn't always been easy. But, I'm pretty certain she will still be a friend down the road.
Hi Everyone, This is really a vent, a way to think things through.. Thank you in advance
I have a friend (really family we've known each other for 20 years) that has 5 children ages 15- 5. She was married and recently got a divorce and she has been dating for about a month and a half now. He seems like a good guy, educated, hard working. So the guy is not the issue. What I see is the issue is that she leaves them Saturday afternoon and doesnt return until late Sunday night without explanation (not to me but to her children) and I know this because her children call me and ask have I seen her or do I know where she is at. Now its not that she doesnt love her kids or she is not a good mother because she is.
Her thing is that she has been doing the Mom thing and Wife thing and now she needs "Me Time" and its difficult for me since I've known the family for so long and we are really close. But I live my life completely different while I do things that I find fun and enjoy doing (read, gym, jog) those are my me time. I dont want to be away from my kids for hours on end. I do understand dating is fun and exciting my only thing is to me the kids should be first priority! Go out on your date at 7pm and stay out to whenever but when those kids wake up the next day you should be home. They shouldnt have to call around looking for their mother.
I do know at the end of the day it is none of my buisness and I will NOT be adding my two cents to anything but I just needed to vent.
So Thanks for listening.
I HATE when I see women doing this BEFORE they're done doing the mom thing they VOLUNTARILY started. Those kids are by no means raised. Me time can wait. It is rediculous for her to be gone over night with kids at home. Family or not, I'd tell her off.
While everyone needs me time, you do not leave your kids home alone over night to get it. What burns me here is I'm sure that 15 year old didn't sign up for taking care of 4 younger children. Mom is dumping on that child to have her me time. This is, very selfish.
[quote=JC JC Mom;28617791]Hi Everyone, This is really a vent, a way to think things through.. Thank you in advance
I have a friend (really family we've known each other for 20 years) that has 5 children ages 15- 5. She was married and recently got a divorce and she has been dating for about a month and a half now. He seems like a good guy, educated, hard working. So the guy is not the issue. What I see is the issue is that she leaves them Saturday afternoon and doesnt return until late Sunday night without explanation (not to me but to her children) and I know this because her children call me and ask have I seen her or do I know where she is at. Now its not that she doesnt love her kids or she is not a good mother because she is.
Her thing is that she has been doing the Mom thing and Wife thing and now she needs "Me Time" and its difficult for me since I've known the family for so long and we are really close. But I live my life completely different while I do things that I find fun and enjoy doing (read, gym, jog) those are my me time. I dont want to be away from my kids for hours on end. I do understand dating is fun and exciting my only thing is to me the kids should be first priority! Go out on your date at 7pm and stay out to whenever but when those kids wake up the next day you should be home. They shouldnt have to call around looking for their mother.
I do know at the end of the day it is none of my buisness and I will NOT be adding my two cents to anything but I just needed to vent.
I agree with you 100%. Sounds like mama is caught up in having fun and "freedom." But someone needs to burst her bubble and bring her back down to reality. It's one thing to go out for a few hours here and there. But her kids need to be her first priority. She needs to know that if any one of her kids complain to a teacher that their mother is leaving them home, and or they don't know where she is, then all hell will break loose with a visit from child protective services...
Really there are lots of parents who have grandparents watch the kids overnight once a week. That's all this is. WHAT the mother is doing overnight is none of our or even the friends business. The OP probably should mention that one of the children was trying to contact mom but that's it.
These children were not abandoned, they have appropriate care, and while it is not what I would choose to do personally I and everyone else here including the OP have no right to judge a woman when she is leaving her children in appropriate care.
So the grandparents were watching the kids three nights in six weeks? I guess I don't see that as a big deal. You might encourage her oldest to talk to her about being out of touch but being gone three out of about 40 nights doesn't seem like a big deal.
I'm not sure it's abandoment if the grandparents are living there but sounds like a little too much 'me' time, certainly.
I had a friend like that who was divorced and she was so FUN! Always had something fun going on; going out, etc. It took me a while to figure out how often she left her boys alone AND how poorly they were doing in school.
After that, she didn't seem all that fun anymore and our friendship ended. I tried to talk to her about getting her kids more involved in things (that can be fun too); but she was more interested in her love life than her kids. A grown women that had never really grown up.
[quote=Mattie;28621259]OP, I could have written most of what you did. A very, very close friend of mine is also stealing away with her new boyfriend, and not telling her kids. In this case, she isn't quite divorced yet, it should be finalized this month, and her kids are a bit older, in that they are young teens.
The "boyfriend" seems to be a very nice guy, but after her ex upset their kids by parading around his new girlfriend, my friend swore to them that she wouldn't date until she was divorced. But, she did. She thinks that by spending the school day with him, her kids are none the wiser, but yea, they know. They have confided in me.
I have kept my mouth mostly shut about the whole situation. When my friend tells me her son is acting out and mouthing off to her, she blames the ex. When she borrows her 16 yr old's clothes, her excuse is she doesn't have the money to buy more appropriate outfits.
I feel badly for all involved, but I haven't walked in her shoes. I recognize that she is terrified of not being able to provide for her children. I understand she has been through hell with her husband. And, mostly I hope her kids emerge from the entire mess the same great kids they began as.
What I don't do, is tell her any of this. I need to refrain from judging her in order to support her. I admit, it hasn't always been easy. But, I'm pretty certain she will still be a friend down the road.[/quote]
Oh My our stories are so similar. She to is not divorced yet and her ex has also made some very questionable decisions during this time period that she vows not to follow but in some ways ends up following his same path.
Sounds like she is doing the "I'm enamored with my new romance so I get to be all flighty and irresponsbile" thing. She'll get a wakeup call either when the kids start acting out and the elderly grandparents can't handle it anymore, or when there's a real emergency and mommy's phone was going right to voicemail.
I'd probably tell her, "Hey, your kids have been calling me when you're gone and don't know how to reach you. I don't know what to tell them when you are away and I'm not the babysitter. Maybe you should make other arrangements?"
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