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My sibling is also a wreck, and I am fine. But we have both parents the same and aren't that far apart in years. So are my parents good or bad?
I'm in the same situation. My brother and I have the same parents and were raised in the same household. He's a hot mess. I'm not.
But, there were distinct differences in the ways we were treated. Some of it had to do with the male vs. female thing in that my parents were far more permissive with him than me. This was pretty common back in the day (I was born in 1960). If heard my parents say "because he's a boy" one time, I heard it a thousand. In their minds that was a good enough reason for the benefits he enjoyed that I did not.
In addition, there was a lot of special snowflake type of attention paid to my brother. As a young kid he was very bright, but physically and socially awkward. My parents bent over backwards to accommodate him and sheltered him from situations where he would be overshadowed or couldn't compete. They would change the rules of board games in the middle of the game to insure he would win so he wouldn't feel bad and lecture me about "being kind" to him if I beat him while playing any physical game. No, I am not kidding. They went to absurd lengths to prop him up instead of allowing him to figure out where he fit and how to accomplish real things in those areas. And he believed it all. Too bad the rest of the world was unwilling to treat him the same way and he has been unable to cope with it. Lucky for him, my mother persists in treating him this way and is always willing to make excuses or write checks.
When I was a kid, I often wished I was a boy and would then have the attention and special treatment my brother received. As an adult, I recognize that I was actually the lucky one. Being the object of benign neglect resulted in a superior outcome versus being the object of special snowflake treatment.
My mom is an 'ownership' person. So much wasted energy wondering why her kids are essentially 'not her' and focusing on the few ways in which her children are different from her instead of how great we all turned out. She cannot get over why grown adults do not do things the way she does them, why they make different decisions than she does. Still does not understand that she does not 'own' the actions of her children. She is depressed over it, blames herself and spends her life wringing her hands over it rather than just enjoying her time with her kids and grandkids. Essentially she has driven them all away over it. What a miserable way to live your life.
Set your kids free. They are not you, did not grow up in the same 20/30/40 year time span as you and had a different life experience than you. Guide your children, love them, nuture them. Give them discipline. But recognize they are individuals and are going to make their own choices and their own mistakes. Recognize these are their choices and their mistakes. Celebrate their unique qualities...not everything within your child comes from some parent/aunt/uncle. Share in their joys. Be there to cushion the fall over the mistakes and disappointments. That is all you can do.
Irrelevant.
No one is saying the kids are you or have to choose like you or anything.
We're saying that you are responsible for your kids' behavior, as you were supposed to be the ones who taught them what is and isn't appropriate behavior, you were supposed to be the ones who meted out repercussions when inappropriate behavior occurred, and you were supposed to be the single biggest influence in their lives.
This isn't about being a clone or making the absolute same decisions. It's about making responsible, ethical, productive moves in life.
the fact is, children are people and people screw up no matter what their parents teach them. you can do all you can as a parent and the child (person) is going to do what they want. there has to be a point where it's no longer your fault. you can feel horrible about their actions, you can feel wonderful about their accomplishments but you cannot be at fault for anything they do once they reach an age of understanding.
I'm with Stan. As a parent, you influence your kids to a great degree when they are young. If my child were to hit someone, I'd be horrified, and would totally blame myself for not getting the point across when it comes to touching other people. Also, you're a very influential role model - kids are so observant, and will see how their parents treat each other and other people. So yes, I would definitely say my kids' behavior reflects on me.
This is all coming from the point of view of a mom of little kids though... who knows what goes on when they hit the teenage years, ugh. Guess we have to hope that we set enough of a good example at that point so that they know, and do, the right things (at least when it comes to important stuff).
I will take responsibility for everything my children do until they are 18. When they become adults, they are responsible for their own actions.
I raise my children with the understanding that their life is their own. They choose their own philsophy, religion, where they want to live, their career, their spouse, etc. I can raise them with my example and share with them my own feelings, but it is THEIR LIFE.
I won't claim the glory for their successes and I won't wallow in the guilt of their failures. I consider my role to be a temporary caretaker and guide. I'm pretty sure my children will never commit suicide due to not meeting my expectations. I have no expectations. I can share what I understand to be the formulas for happiness and success (not always the same thing), and what they do with it is up to them.
I think it's fine stating what would think you would do, but until confronted with a situation, it's impossible to know.
I have a cousin who has an Antisocial Personality Dosorder aka a sociopath. He was evil, manipulative, and never had any concern for anyone but himself. He was incredibly disruptive and poisonous in the family. His sociopathy was in no way a reflection of his parents.
This is definitely one of those topics where you have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before knowing how you would handle the situation.
I think it's fine stating what would think you would do, but until confronted with a situation, it's impossible to know.
I have a cousin who has an Antisocial Personality Dosorder aka a sociopath. He was evil, manipulative, and never had any concern for anyone but himself. He was incredibly disruptive and poisonous in the family. His sociopathy was in no way a reflection of his parents.
This is definitely one of those topics where you have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before knowing how you would handle the situation.
Agree.
My mother was far from perfect (who is?) and we have serious issues in terms of our adult mother-daughter relationship... but with regard to my brother, how do you explain him?
He had much more extended family involvement than I did. He grew up with Grandparents, and Great-Aunts and Uncles nearby that adored him and spent lots of time with him. He was raised with all the financial advantages of a middle class lifestyle and the additional advantages of being in a military family (travel, exposure to different cultures, excellent schools). He was involved in sports and given music lessons, blah blah blah. After they returned to the states (when I was very small) my parents settled in a small bedroom community with great schools, very safe and idyllic.
Didn't matter. When he was 8 or 9 the first problems started, with stealing, and lying, and by the time he was a young teen he was drinking, sneaking the car, growing pot (and selling it and smoking it), taking what he wanted. No one ignored it; he was taken to a psychiatrist way back before it was socially acceptable to do so, everyone wrung their hands over what to "do" about him, he was punished and talked to and put in jail and so on.
Who is to blame?
I didn't have even half the advantages he had, growing up. Yet the "worst" thing I did was get pregnant young (19) and I was not married. Yes, I gave my mother some trouble as a teen but it was still within the realm of relatively typical teenage nonsense... never anything like stealing or dealing drugs or ending up in trouble with the law.
Ironically, he had a hand in raising me because my mom was always working, so why didn't I end up doing down the wrong road? Maybe because I saw his path and tried to avoid it, I don't know, but I don't see how my mother and father are directly responsible for how he ended up considering all they did try to get him on the straight and narrow.
I felt it was my job as a parent to guide, not to mold. Children need to be taught to take responsibility for their own mistakes, or they'll spend their entire lives blaming their parents for how they raised them.
I think it's fine stating what would think you would do, but until confronted with a situation, it's impossible to know.
I have a cousin who has an Antisocial Personality Dosorder aka a sociopath. He was evil, manipulative, and never had any concern for anyone but himself. He was incredibly disruptive and poisonous in the family. His sociopathy was in no way a reflection of his parents.
This is definitely one of those topics where you have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before knowing how you would handle the situation.
Absolutely true Zimbochick. We are confronted with a similar situation with our daughter who is now 13. Both my husband and I are extremely stable people, have been successful in life, have tried to instill good values in both of our children. Of course my daughter has a host of post adoption issues that have really cropped up during these past few years. She was never an easy child but we thought that with love, a routine, clear consequences, our nurtuing would prevail. In spite of extensive counseling, psychiatrists, etc, I fear for her long term outcome. This has taken a toll on our family, our marriage and our comfort level in our neighborhood---to the point where we are moving out of state.
I very much take ownership for my daughter, even though we are trying to get her the help she needs. I'm effectively ostracised by quite a few families in our neighborhood due to my daughter and some of her behavior at school. I'm known as "K's mom" and can see that I'm, disliked intensely. I was in tears Friday night attending a school event. As I walked in the door, a number of mothers looked at me, turned their backs and started to gossip, some of which I overheard. Everyday I feel like my daughter's failures are my failures and this weighs on me every day....to the point of getting very depressed. Her troubles greatly bother me so yes, I do take ownership and we are doing everything we can to get her help. I am also taking advantage of therapy and have learned to deal with some of her issues a bit better.
It is easy to take a high road and think that this would never happen to you as a parent. I always get a kick out of people assuming that everything is due to bad parenting if a child turns out rotten or have trouble in school, with peers, etc. I'm a bit ashamed to say that I was once one of those judgmental types too. Our next door neighbors had severe problems with their older son. Now since I've walked in their shoes a bit, I have much more empathy.
No. I teach THEM to take ownership of their own actions. It has nothing to do with fault. Americans are so into blame, it is really silly. They are harder on themselves than I ever could be.
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