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A huge difference between the Eastern and Western philosophy of raising children is the concept of ownership of children. I'm Hispanic but I observed my Asian, Jewish and Mormon friends and adopted aspects from how they raised their children since they were very successful parents. One thing I noticed is these groups take ownership of their children. For example, if my child screws up or fails to make something of themselves, that is my fault. That reflects poorly on me and I take responsibility for that. Therefore, I make certain that my kids don't screw up. With a lot of Western parenting, I see a disassociation here. Western parents say "I will give them the tools but it's up to them to make something of themselves and if they fail to do so, it's not my fault" I just don't agree with that latter philosophy and I think that is a big problem in our society today. Parenting has declined in large part to this philosophy. When I see a good person today, I immediately think they have good parents and credit them. Sure, there are exceptions but in the majority of cases, you don't see great kids who didn't have great parents. What is your opinion regarding taking ownership or responsibility for your child?
i think that if an adult does something horrible, the parents might blame themselves. but what you are saying is that if i do not have a successful career it's my parents' fault? at what point are parents no longer in charge of their child's decision? is there an age where you say, I have done all I can and my child still screwed up?
As parents we are only there to guide. everyone is born with free will. we must teach or help them acknowledge what they innately feel is good or bad. but we cannot control what another human does.
A huge difference between the Eastern and Western philosophy of raising children is the concept of ownership of children. I'm Hispanic but I observed my Asian, Jewish and Mormon friends and adopted aspects from how they raised their children since they were very successful parents. One thing I noticed is these groups take ownership of their children. For example, if my child screws up or fails to make something of themselves, that is my fault. That reflects poorly on me and I take responsibility for that. Therefore, I make certain that my kids don't screw up. With a lot of Western parenting, I see a disassociation here. Western parents say "I will give them the tools but it's up to them to make something of themselves and if they fail to do so, it's not my fault" I just don't agree with that latter philosophy and I think that is a big problem in our society today. Parenting has declined in large part to this philosophy. What is your philosophy regarding this?
Several things.
Define "successful" - for both parenting and children.
Explain how far you are willing to "take ownership" of your children's perceived success/failure.
Why is it you seem willing to see the faults of "Western"-style parenting but not the benefits? I'm pretty sure that "I can give you the tools but the rest is up to you" philosophy can also be attributed to many success stories as well.
For me (and I'm guessing most parents)...as in most things in life, there is a happy medium to be found on the spectrum of parental expectations.....and where that is may not be the same for every family.
Last edited by maciesmom; 03-20-2013 at 05:22 PM..
Denying the influence of nature, in favor of placing responsibility entirely on nurture, is faulty logic. There is always a combination of factors at work determining how a child "turns out" and it is not always in the hands (solely) of parents. It's impossible to guarantee outcome. I think parents should do their very best, of course, but at what point is it a case of genetics or other influences, etc.?
My brother and I have two different biological fathers. My mom married very young the first time and her husband left her when she became pregnant. She married my father when my brother was 9 months old. My father adopted my brother. My brother never met his biological father, yet my mother said that some of the similar characteristics he shared with his bio father were uncanny. My brother's bio father was also a "troublemaker", an alcoholic, a wild kind of guy.
So was my brother. Many of the same signs of mental illness there too.
My brother's bio father was also one of six children, all boys. Five of the six committed suicide before age 30. My brother attempted it many times. Genetics at work? Who knows.
All I know is, we were raised by the same mom and I have never had drinking problems, never been in jail, never attempted suicide, never took off for days without letting people know where I was, never stole stuff.. you get the picture. Hasn't stopped my mother from wondering constantly where she went wrong with him.
Knock yourself out, but I have twins and I'm here to tell you that people arrive on earth hard-wired to an extent.
I basically lived a lab experiment as we treated our infant twins as a unit for survival's sake during those early years. "Nurture" goes a long way, but "nature" likes to have a say as well.
I absolutely disagree with the concept of taking ownership for kids' actions. It sounds a lot like the old guilt-inducing, "You've brought shame to the family!" type of relationship that many children from those cultures you admire strive to be rid of.
I'm pretty western but I guess I take ownership for my kids' actions to a large extent.
I don't micromanage them and place a pencil in their hands and force them to do their homework but I don't let an 18 year old lay on the couch all day and night and think he's going to get by with doing nothing with himself.
I don't pick out their careers for them, I'm pretty against doing that, I don't tell them what profession they must be, I don't tell them they are useless if they choose their own career path which might be skilled trades over a masters degree.
Ownership is only up until they become independent adults which is somewhere from 18 to 21 years of age, I view my job as getting them intact and capable until they become adults and can start making their own decisions.
A huge difference between the Eastern and Western philosophy of raising children is the concept of ownership of children. I'm Hispanic but I observed my Asian, Jewish and Mormon friends and adopted aspects from how they raised their children since they were very successful parents.
One thing I noticed is these groups take ownership of their children. For example, if my child screws up or fails to make something of themselves, that is my fault. That reflects poorly on me and I take responsibility for that.
Therefore, I make certain that my kids don't screw up. With a lot of Western parenting, I see a disassociation here. Western parents say "I will give them the tools but it's up to them to make something of themselves and if they fail to do so, it's not my fault"
I just don't agree with that latter philosophy and I think that is a big problem in our society today. Parenting has declined in large part to this philosophy. When I see a good person today, I immediately think they have good parents and credit them. Sure, there are exceptions but in the majority of cases, you don't see great kids who didn't have great parents. What is your opinion regarding taking ownership or responsibility for your child?
At what age are we talking about? Up to the age of mid-teens, I kinda agree with you.
I strongly believe that as a parent it is your responsibility to raise your child to be a productive member of society. It is my responsibility to give them to the tools to work with but after a certain age, it's up to them to use these tools.
My son is 30....I don't feel responsible for his failures nor do I lay claim to his successes.
So by the way you have this worded that your 45 year old child messes up and it's still the parents fault?
Denying the influence of nature, in favor of placing responsibility entirely on nurture, is faulty logic. There is always a combination of factors at work determining how a child "turns out" and it is not always in the hands (solely) of parents. It's impossible to guarantee outcome. I think parents should do their very best, of course, but at what point is it a case of genetics or other influences, etc.?
My brother and I have two different biological fathers. My mom married very young the first time and her husband left her when she became pregnant. She married my father when my brother was 9 months old. My father adopted my brother. My brother never met his biological father, yet my mother said that some of the similar characteristics he shared with his bio father were uncanny. My brother's bio father was also a "troublemaker", an alcoholic, a wild kind of guy.
So was my brother. Many of the same signs of mental illness there too.
My brother's bio father was also one of six children, all boys. Five of the six committed suicide before age 30. My brother attempted it many times. Genetics at work? Who knows.
All I know is, we were raised by the same mom and I have never had drinking problems, never been in jail, never attempted suicide, never took off for days without letting people know where I was, never stole stuff.. you get the picture. Hasn't stopped my mother from wondering constantly where she went wrong with him.
My sibling is also a wreck, and I am fine. But we have both parents the same and aren't that far apart in years. So are my parents good or bad?
Knock yourself out, but I have twins and I'm here to tell you that people arrive on earth hard-wired to an extent.
I basically lived a lab experiment as we treated our infant twins as a unit for survival's sake during those early years. "Nurture" goes a long way, but "nature" likes to have a say as well.
I absolutely disagree with the concept of taking ownership for kids' actions. It sounds a lot like the old guilt-inducing, "You've brought shame to the family!" type of relationship that many children from those cultures you admire strive to be rid of.
I agree completely with this post.
My mom is an 'ownership' person. So much wasted energy wondering why her kids are essentially 'not her' and focusing on the few ways in which her children are different from her instead of how great we all turned out. She cannot get over why grown adults do not do things the way she does them, why they make different decisions than she does. Still does not understand that she does not 'own' the actions of her children. She is depressed over it, blames herself and spends her life wringing her hands over it rather than just enjoying her time with her kids and grandkids. Essentially she has driven them all away over it. What a miserable way to live your life.
Set your kids free. They are not you, did not grow up in the same 20/30/40 year time span as you and had a different life experience than you. Guide your children, love them, nuture them. Give them discipline. But recognize they are individuals and are going to make their own choices and their own mistakes. Recognize these are their choices and their mistakes. Celebrate their unique qualities...not everything within your child comes from some parent/aunt/uncle. Share in their joys. Be there to cushion the fall over the mistakes and disappointments. That is all you can do.
A huge difference between the Eastern and Western philosophy of raising children is the concept of ownership of children. I'm Hispanic but I observed my Asian, Jewish and Mormon friends and adopted aspects from how they raised their children since they were very successful parents. One thing I noticed is these groups take ownership of their children. For example, if my child screws up or fails to make something of themselves, that is my fault. That reflects poorly on me and I take responsibility for that. Therefore, I make certain that my kids don't screw up. With a lot of Western parenting, I see a disassociation here. Western parents say "I will give them the tools but it's up to them to make something of themselves and if they fail to do so, it's not my fault" I just don't agree with that latter philosophy and I think that is a big problem in our society today. Parenting has declined in large part to this philosophy. When I see a good person today, I immediately think they have good parents and credit them. Sure, there are exceptions but in the majority of cases, you don't see great kids who didn't have great parents. What is your opinion regarding taking ownership or responsibility for your child?
I am Jewish but I don't see Jewish parenting as creating ownership of children or their actions. I think Jewish parents are heavily invested in the success of their children.
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