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I'm 36 as is my beautiful and loving wife. We fell in love when we were 14 and we had a kid when we were both 18. We are the epitome of opposites attract. She was the pretty and popular wild child high schooler and I was the quiet book worm. I think we both kind of envied certain things about each other. I envied her ability to be social and make friends easily, and I think she envied my intelligence( not to sound arrogant but she has told me this) and ability to not procrastinate. Anyway, now we have a very social 18 year old son and he's 99% his mom and 1% me( he enjoys James Bond movies like I do). He loves to drink booze,sleep all day, hang out with his trashy little girlfriend, skip chores and homework, and talk back( it was cool to watch when she would do it to her parents, but as a parent, it's awful).
I don't think I make life too hard for him, I ask him to do his homework and pick up after himself and we talked about a summer job which won't happen. I'm not a yeller, I wasn't brought up in a yelling household so I don't yell. Some Saturdays and Sundays it'll be like 5 in the afternoon and he won't be up. I feel he should be doing something productive so I try to wake him up but my wife will stop and tell me " Don't, he's sleeping, he needs sleep". She doesn't feel he should have a job until he's 21 like she did. I feel he should go to college( at least CC) at some point but she doesn't because " he hates school". I give him chores and there's a 95% chance he won't do them and he'll run to Mom and she'll stick up for him and say that " He'll have plenty of time to do chores when he's older". She bought him a car when he was 16.
First time I caught him drinking at 15 he lied about it and said the alcohol smell was Scope mouthwash. I, trying to be the responsible one, asked her what the punishment should be for lying and drinking, and yes, I'm one of those " No drinking until you're 21( or at least 20) kind of parents. Her response was " well that's just what teenagers do". He got "grounded" until the next morning. School is the worst, I wouldn't be on his case if he tried, he doesn't though. Last week he got a 22% on a test, he answered 8 questions of 36 and left the rest blank. I know he's bad at math so i tried to help him and asked to see the homework questions, he didn't do them ( they're optional) and his mom's response was " it must be a hard chapter and cut him some slack". She gives him allowance money for chores he didn't do. I feel under minded and like the bad guy because I try rules and I don't spoil him and let him have free reign like his mom.
Last edited by irishfan77; 05-01-2013 at 05:07 PM..
Too little, too late Dad. Time for some outside counseling. The mother isn't doing her son any favors, but if it's been building for 18 yrs without being dealt with, well...good luck.
I think at 18 he should respect you, his father, and show it by at least doing chores around the house. I disagree with your wife when she says "He'll have plenty of time to do chores when he's older". That to me would be worrisome,( don't kids do chores even before kindergarten?) and I think your wife may be molly coddling him too much. If he doesn't want to finish or pursue his schooling that's his choice, but then he should absolutely get a job and start paying you some rent at least...but..I guess you must be used to your beautiful wifes ways by now, and your son IS eighteen...hopefully he'll make it on his own one day, and not be dependent on you for as long as your wife would probably allow him...like...forever...
Well dad, you lost control of this some 13-14 years ago . That would be at the point when your son was a just about big enough to help put his toys away, etc. You and your wife are not so in not much disagreement about rules but what your expectations for your child are.
You expect your son to grow up, contribute as he can to the household and eventually be able to support himself and move out and on with his life.
You wife wants and expects nothing from him. She desires and is creating a permanent child. Your son can't function in the real world of school, work, family life and responsibilities. He's 18 going on 4. He's regressing rather than growing up. Dependency is not an attractive feqture on a young man.
You know where this is going. You're going to wake up one day and your son will be 35, still living at home, no job, no education, sleeping until 5 PM and up all night, playing video games or out with friends, still leeching financially off mom.
No miracle is going to happen when he turns 21. No light is going to on and he'll become suddenly interested in college or career. A pattern is being set now for just the opposite. And your wife will keep kicking the can down the road.
At 18 your son is probably close to finishing high school, maybe this spring ? When he's done with high school, he should do one of three things - get a job and pay some rent, go to college or get out of the house and learn to make it on his on.
To have any of those things happen, you and your wife need to get yourselves into counseling - soon.
To not resolve this is going to drive a wedge into your marriage. Or you can accept things for what they are and support a useless, grown son at home for the for indefinite future.
One more thing- take your son in to a doctor for a complete physical. There is a possibility that he is suffering from depression and/or is involved with drugs.
I always wonder about what kind of advice people on this board can offer someone with such a screwed up story like this. I mean seriously. . .you make it sound like your wife is about worthless, and she is hell bent to make her son worthless. What kind of skills do you expect him to have? how will he earn a living?
My expectation already set (kids 3 and i'm 38) is that at 18 you are either in on the way to college, or out of the house.
I agree that it's very late to try to make changes now....
But to look on the bright sound, it sounds like your wife turned out just fine. You speak of her very highly, and claim your son is 99% just like her, so hopefully he will find his way as she did.
The biggest problem in a relationship is a difference in value systems, and it has really shown up in the way your son has turned out. It sounds as though your wife has gotten her way in raising your son all these years; it will be very difficult to instill your values in him now. Your wife has done him no favors in enabling his lack of effort in school or chores. And truthfully, your giving in all these years has contributed to the result you are looking at now.
I do agree with the other posters in that he needs to have some plans - learn a trade, go to college or get a job. You don't want to be supporting him for years while he slacks off. I do disagree with the "it's either college or move out" comment. There's no reason why an adult child can't live home, work, and contribute to the household. It benefits everyone, as long as there is no drama or problems in the adult/child relationship.
Since it seems as though your words have fallen on deaf ears, and you consistently give in to your wife, it may be time for a counselor to get through to your wife and son.
Interesting first post. I wonder if the OP will ever return.
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