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I agree with much of what this poster said. It would be beneficial for you to go to family counseling with your son, not just drop him off expecting him to be fixed. I think a large problem is the amount of time he is unsupervised.
It also sort of alarms me that you think boys "messing" with boys at a younger age is normal -- but I'm not really sure what you mean by that. Usually young kids being sexual with one another is a red-flag for sexual abuse (or exposure to pornography).
At 14??!!!??? Really?! I disagree seriously with this statement. OP if you have concerns in this regard, this is a good one for the counselor.
At 14??!!!??? Really?! I disagree seriously with this statement. OP if you have concerns in this regard, this is a good one for the counselor.
I didn't say at fourteen, I said younger kids -- which is what the OP also said -- YOUNGER than 14. How young exactly was not specified. She might have meant under the age of ten.
I didn't say at fourteen, I said younger kids -- which is what the OP also said -- YOUNGER than 14. How young exactly was not specified. She might have meant under the age of ten.
Ah. I misunderstood. Thanks for the clarification. It is worth considering, in any event.
At 14 I was in a bad place too. Smoked pot daily, boys, sneaking out...the whole bit. By 16 I was fine because my mom and dad were on me like bees on honey. They changed my school, they grounded me for 6 months (6!), after that they didn't allow me to go out ever on school nights. They called to make sure I was where I said I was. My dad waited up for me. We had a discussion every night when I came home to ensure sobriety. My phone calls took place in the kitchen in front of the family.
After a year or so they started to loosen up slowly and by the end of high school I had a lot of freedom but I had proven myself by then. I'm forever grateful that my went crazy about my behavior.
Yep I would say rehab a lock down facility and get him clean . It is exspensive but hey you want to find your kid dead in an alley somewhere ? I say re hab in a lock down facility . My nephew went through it and it was the best thing my brother in law and sister did . They now have a grown young man who goes to college and has a wonderful job and he will soon be graduating college and we are all really proud of him . I think neighborhoods and or environment dont have alot to do with drugs cause as another poster said you can find that in the better neighborhoods too . Good luck .
I know that popular culture is less than strict on pot, but it does create people who tend to lack ambition and motivation to succeed. I think getting him to Seattle is a good first step; but you must consider what is missing in his life to cause him to be a junior stoner and same sex experimenter. If he is gay, that is the way he is wired, if he is not gay, then as another pollster shared, he may have been subject to a pedophile attack and unconsciously adopting the same behavior to show mastery/control vice victimhood. I think getting him to a professional is critical--don't cut him ANY SLACK, love him but demand him to change and seek help.
I most sincerely wish you the very best of luck, it's hard to be a parent.
I know that popular culture is less than strict on pot, but it does create people who tend to lack ambition and motivation to succeed. I think getting him to Seattle is a good first step; but you must consider what is missing in his life to cause him to be a junior stoner and same sex experimenter. If he is gay, that is the way he is wired, if he is not gay, then as another pollster shared, he may have been subject to a pedophile attack and unconsciously adopting the same behavior to show mastery/control vice victimhood. I think getting him to a professional is critical--don't cut him ANY SLACK, love him but demand him to change and seek help.
I most sincerely wish you the very best of luck, it's hard to be a parent.
There are a lot of "may"s in here. And I don't disagree with any point. He may have experienced that. Or he may be bi. Some of us just are.
First, let me tell you that I am not the mother of a 14 year old. My kids are still little. But I am the younger sister of a drug involved early teen and a former teen pot smoker myself. I am currently a recovering alcoholic. I have some experience here from a few different perspectives, if not that of a mother.
First, a little insight into what your son might be feeling from his point of view. He is at invincible age. Bad stuff with drugs doesn't happen to him. It happens to other people. Yes, I know. Dumb. But I clearly remember thinking this way. But when you voice your concerns, this is the filter of his brain that it may be going through. Bear that in mind.
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Yes, and it is part of his development at this point; the idea that nothing bad will happen, the feelings of invincibility, those things are part of his brain development and that sort of thinking is very common in adolescents. It's how I ended up pregnant, more than once, as a teenager! Also why I was involved in more ethan one alcohol related car wreck (as a passenger). Look up "adolescent invincibility fable" if you want to read more about this phenomenon. It is what leads many otherwise smart kids to do very stupid things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear
Don't beat yourself up. I live in a manicured suburb and kids around here smoke pot.
14 is a rough age for boys. I think he needs more supervision than he has been getting whether he is in Seattle or NY. Someone needs to take him to school every day and pick him up after school every day. It sounds like he cannot be trusted to be on his own right now.
Good luck to you.
Very true on the supervision thing, also on point about how you shouldn't blame yourself and your choice of neighborhood. I got into loads of risky behavior, drug and alcohol use, unwanted pregnancy, and so forth, all within the safe confines of ticky tacky houses in the 'burbs while attending one of the best schools in the district and hanging out with other reasonably privileged kids from "good families" on the "good" side of town. Matter of fact I think we probably got into more trouble because there was less to do (so we were bored) and less direct supervision, with our parents all believing we were behaving ourselves --- but not actually checking.
Having more to do is good as well, I think. I wasn't a joiner in high school but I wish someone had pushed me to get involved in something. The problem was, the options at the time seemed to be sports, sports, cheerleading/dance team, or more sports and that wasn't for me. If I'd found a thing to focus on though, something to stir my passions and fill my time I imagine I would have spent less time finding dangerous or risky things to do instead.
OP, I am sorrythat you are facing this. Raising kids is a hard job and teenagers can be especially difficult. My son is 17 and 14 was the same age that things started changing between he and I. Without going into all of the gory details, I can tell you this: Stay attentive. Watch who he is hanging out with and the places he is going. If possible, get to know the parents or at least know who they parents are of his friends. Be interested in his everyday life, school, activities, etc. And please always make sure that he knows you love him. It is OK to hate what he is doing, but he needs to know that his mom cares. These are not easy years for kids as they start to try to figure out WHO they are and look to see what the future may hold for them. The Pot thing could be a passing phase or it could very well lead to other things so being attentive and watchful is key. It sounds as if you are already on top of that aspect.
You have gotten some really good advice from people. Wishing for the best for the both of you! Best of luck and hang in there mom.....
This sounds so familiar to me (ahem) and while pot isn't addictive, it totally is a gateway drug. Do not think it will stop with pot. I ended up in 30-day inpatient rehab at age 32 for prescription painkillers and alcohol after starting with pot at age 13. Still in recovery, one day at a time, God willing.
Your son could be trying to fill an emotional hole inside him. Or he may be genetically disposed to addiction. (Is anyone older in your family struggling with drugs or alcohol ... or something else addictive? My mom's parents were both alcoholics and she never drank, but she has a true, serious shopping addiction to this day.).
I will say that while I was a rebel and did anything and everything to excess as a teen, I did eventually figure out that by hanging around with losers I was dooming myself to that path. You need to get him some serious role models. It didn't help me with my addiction, which became a separate issue from my education and career goals, but it did get me out of the downward spiral to low-rent drug addiction and likely jail time. I went high-class (LOL and rolling my eyes)....
So two issues here: lack of focus on growing up and learning and maturing, and separate issue of drugs, which may or may not be an outgrowth of the first.
I'm not too concerned about the experimenting with boys thing, other than yes, have the talk about no means no and all that (check out the thread in here about "do you talk to your kids about rape?" for some great insights.)
There are likely solutions that will help with both issues, but realize they could be separate problems (i.e: addiction).
Good luck!
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Also why I was involved in more ethan one alcohol related car wreck (as a passenger). Look up "adolescent invincibility fable" if you want to read more about this phenomenon. It is what leads many otherwise smart kids to do very stupid things. 
