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I originally posted both of these in the general moving issues forum. I was told I might get some helpful advice/feedback here as well.
A bit of background:
I was born and raised in NC. All of my family lives in NC. We are all very close.
In 2011, my husband's company moved us to Florida. I didn't want to leave my family, but there was an opportunity for me to quit working and stay at home with our then 3-year-old daughter. I couldn't pass it up. So we went.
In the five years we were there, I made the best of being away from my sisters, parents, etc. and my beloved NC. I mean, I really made the best of it. I made it pretty great, actually. We joined a church, a mom's group, etc. and got really involved and made many good friendships. And because I stayed at home, we visited NC and our families regularly. I loved being a stay at home mom. It was the happiest I'd ever been in my life.
I still missed my family and it broke my heart to watch my nephew grow up without really knowing me or my daughter and to watch my other sister go through her pregnancy, knowing that nephew wouldn't know us either. And I tried not to think about how my parents and my husbands' parents were getting older...
Still, it was a great life. My daughter and I were very happy. Sadly, my husband was not.
In April of this year, he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce. Didn't want counseling, just wanted out.
As you can imagine, this was very hard to take. And I realized pretty quickly that I had a big decision to make: stay in Florida or move back home. Unfortunately, his timing was pretty crappy. If I wanted to get my daughter started at a new school at the beginning of the school year, I would have to decide fast.
Ultimately, I decided to move back to NC. I knew that after the divorce I would have to go back to work, and that it would be better to have family around to help with my daughter. And I also knew that we wouldn't be able to visit NC nearly as much as we had before once I started working.
So, I did it. I uprooted my daughter from everything she's known for 5 years and moved her back to NC - a place she was definitely familiar with but wasn't "home".
We are now sharing a nice big house with my sister and her husband and 3-month-old baby. It's working out pretty well. My sister watches my kid, and I watch hers. And I don't have to live by myself and get lonely and depressed. :-)
My now ex-husband came, too, and lives 10 minutes from us. We're sharing our daughter 50/50, and so far that's working out really well. He was kind of an absentee father before but has since really stepped up and become much more involved. I am so happy for my daughter that she's developing a real relationship with him.
I worked really hard over the summer before I started looking for a job, getting my daughter involved in as much of the same things in NC as she was in FL. I joined a church. Got her into Girl Scouts, Taekwondo, church activities. She's made a handful of good friends so far. I'm sure she'll make more. And I've gotten involved, too. Made a handful of good friends. I'm sure I'll make more.
We have her in therapy, and the therapist says she's adjusting in a healthy way. She said my daughter is grieving the loss of her old home and friends, but she seems to recognize that her dad and I have tried to make the transition as smooth as possible. She thinks my daughter is ready to transition out of therapy.
But I just can't shake this overwhelming feeling of guilt I have over doing this to my daughter. I can't help but think of it as something I've "done" to her. She and I were both blindsided by the divorce, and, like I said, I had to act fast kind of for her sake, but I just go around feeling guilty all the time. I felt guilty driving in to work today because it was cold and raining - something it hardly ever is in FL. That's nuts, I know.
And it doesn't help that I'm apart from her so much when I'm used to being with her all the time.
Rationally, I know divorce is hard. The first few years are tough on everybody. I keep telling myself we'll get through it and be okay.
I just can't help kind of beating myself up all the time over moving my daughter away from her home, even though I know it was the best decision for me and ultimately for her.
And I'm terrified that all this guilt means that I made the wrong decision. I guess that's the bottom line.
I know this has been long. Thanks so much for sticking with me if you made it this far. I guess I just needed to get all of this out.
Divorce is hard on everyone and I'm sure you got caught up in survival mode. Being close to your family was the best move for you, they love and support you. Don't feel guilty, you did not do this to your daughter, you are all adjusting to being in a new situation and living in a new reality she is adjusting. Now you will need to adjust too. The reality of it all is probably settling in for you now and you are missing some of the good things in Florida like the weather.
Keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine...all the best to you and your daughter.
Guilt goes along with the territory. I went through the same thing after my husband walked out on me and our five-year-old son. I packed up and moved 200 miles away to be closer to my parents who were retired and were more than willing to share in the responsibility of helping me to raise their grandson. Though I knew it was a good decision, it took me years to get over feeling guilty about the failure of my marriage and uprooting him.
I did take into consideration what how my life would have been different in FL as a working mother. Although I had friends who would have helped me out, my daughter most likely would have had to go to before/after school at least a few days a week and money would have most likely been tight. My friends are wonderful in FL, but they're not family, you know? I figured life would have been okay at best, pretty lonely, frightening and a struggle at worst. In any event, I kind of didn't want to find out. Plus, I knew I would still want to move back to NC at some point, and the longer I stayed in FL, the harder it would have been to get back up here. And probably harder on my daughter as she grew older.
I guess also I'm still sad to have lost the great life I had. Granted, my marriage wasn't the best and often made me very sad, but I was still happy in all other areas. I guess I didn't count on the impact the move would have on me. We moved from Raleigh to FL where I had lived for over ten years. I love Raleigh. We moved back to Charlotte, where two of my sisters and my parents live. I do like Charlotte, but it's also very close to Concord, the small town where I grew up and swore I would never go back to. I kind of liked forging out on my own to Raleigh and FL. I'm really not unhappy to be in Charlotte, I always said it'd be a cool city in which to live, but I feel kind of like a failure being so close to Concord, if that makes any sense.
And I think I thought I would immediately jump back into being a Carolinian, something of which I was always very proud. But it's been kind of weird. I'm a little frustrated with myself and my home state () that I'm not immediately overjoyed at being back here. I always thought I would be. It's almost like I can't "feel" how happy it used to make me. I've often thought maybe it's the guilt I feel about my daughter, and I do think that's the case. If it were just me allowed to bask in everything I love about NC, I wouldn't feel so sort of...lost.
I don't know. A lot has happened this year. I tell my daughter all the time that it takes time to adjust. Maybe I ought to tell it to myself.
I did take into consideration what how my life would have been different in FL as a working mother. Although I had friends who would have helped me out, my daughter most likely would have had to go to before/after school at least a few days a week and money would have most likely been tight. My friends are wonderful in FL, but they're not family, you know? I figured life would have been okay at best, pretty lonely, frightening and a struggle at worst. In any event, I kind of didn't want to find out. Plus, I knew I would still want to move back to NC at some point, and the longer I stayed in FL, the harder it would have been to get back up here. And probably harder on my daughter as she grew older.
I guess also I'm still sad to have lost the great life I had. Granted, my marriage wasn't the best and often made me very sad, but I was still happy in all other areas. I guess I didn't count on the impact the move would have on me. We moved from Raleigh to FL where I had lived for over ten years. I love Raleigh. We moved back to Charlotte, where two of my sisters and my parents live. I do like Charlotte, but it's also very close to Concord, the small town where I grew up and swore I would never go back to. I kind of liked forging out on my own to Raleigh and FL. I'm really not unhappy to be in Charlotte, I always said it'd be a cool city in which to live, but I feel kind of like a failure being so close to Concord, if that makes any sense.
And I think I thought I would immediately jump back into being a Carolinian, something of which I was always very proud. But it's been kind of weird. I'm a little frustrated with myself and my home state () that I'm not immediately overjoyed at being back here. I always thought I would be. It's almost like I can't "feel" how happy it used to make me. I've often thought maybe it's the guilt I feel about my daughter, and I do think that's the case. If it were just me allowed to bask in everything I love about NC, I wouldn't feel so sort of...lost.
I don't know. A lot has happened this year. I tell my daughter all the time that it takes time to adjust. Maybe I ought to tell it to myself.
It seems like you should do a bit of counseling as well. Concord is a pretty small area as I live in it myself. I'm not originally from the area or the state but I've lived here long enough to get to know it. Do you think others judge you for coming back? Do you have contact with HS friends? Are you afraid what they may think? You made the best decision you could for you and your daughter at the time. She sounds like she is doing wonderfully.
I don't see what there is to feel guilty about. You weren't the one who chose the divorce; you weren't the one who put your daughter in this position.
Under the circumstances, moving back to NC was probably the best thing you could have done for yourself and your daughter to help get both of you back on your feet and into a sense of "normalcy" ASAP with all of the familial help around. Ordinarily I don't advocate moving the kids away from one of the parents after a divorce but in this case it was probably in your daughter's best interest to have extended family around her to shower her with love and caring in this difficult time, the kind that can really only come from other family members no matter how hard others might try. Having her dad follow her back to NC is a huge bonus so now she'll at least have a chance to understand that her dad wasn't trying to get away from her.
In the end, 5-year-olds are extremely resilient. 2 or 3 years from now she'll barely care about or remember her life back in Florida. Life for her will be difficult and confusing for the next few years. How much so will hinge in good measure on how well you and Dad interact with one another and how much Dad can show her how much he loves and cherishes her. Virtually none of that difficulty will arise from the fact that you moved her from a place your family had no roots at all to a place where it is deeply rooted. In fact it will probably be a significant help, especially since Dad came along too.
You made the right decision on everything except for one thing: You got your daughter therapy, but neglected to get any for yourself.
I have gotten therapy before for what I call "mom guilt" when there were some things going on that I was handling wonderfully. Part of how us moms handle things like this wonderfully is that we are constantly asking ourselves "what if" and planning for every little thing, so that things are smooth for our children. It's great for them. It completely does a number on our own sanity though.
Go find someone to talk to. It's so liberating to talk to someone you are paying to listen to you, so you don't feel guilty that you are wasting their time lol.
Divorce is hard on everyone and I'm sure you got caught up in survival mode. Being close to your family was the best move for you, they love and support you. Don't feel guilty, you did not do this to your daughter, you are all adjusting to being in a new situation and living in a new reality she is adjusting. Now you will need to adjust too. The reality of it all is probably settling in for you now and you are missing some of the good things in Florida like the weather.
Keep doing what you are doing and you will be fine...all the best to you and your daughter.
I agree. You are doing the absolute best that you can. I do think that you'd benefit from some counseling for yourself right now.
I am kind of in the same situation as well, plus I am a Carolinian in heart as well. I am born and raised in Greensboro, and my wife and I had to move here to Los Angeles for work four years ago. I have two children from my ex-wife, and we had 50/50 custody when I was there. But there were issues before my wife and I moved here that caused me to file for custody while still in NC. I ended up winning custody from my x because of the issues she was having drugs at the time(long story). So I moved the kids out here to CA with my pregnant wife and I. Yes, there was issues at first and my son did have to go to therapy the first year he was here.
Now they have been here over 3 years and could not be happier about being here with us. They are actually old enough to be able to see through the BS their mom feeds them, and can see that we do everything we can for them. Yes we are all sad that we are not back in NC around family especially because my father died this year suddenly so we all had to fly back to NC short notice. But hopefully that gets resolved and we move back in the next couple of months.
I think your daughter will be fine overall and NC is a great place for a child to grow up. I know there has been some stuff going on this year in the Assembly but I do believe it will get fixed.
I know exactly what you mean about kinda feeling like a failure because you are back in the city that you left. I kinda feel like that about moving back, but I want for my kids to grow up around family. My wife and I have both lived in the Middle East for years as Expats and we want to go back in the near future with the kids. But I want them first to spend time with family for a few years before we make a move like that.
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) that I'm not immediately overjoyed at being back here. I always thought I would be. It's almost like I can't "feel" how happy it used to make me. I've often thought maybe it's the guilt I feel about my daughter, and I do think that's the case. If it were just me allowed to bask in everything I love about NC, I wouldn't feel so sort of...lost. 
