U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-03-2013, 08:05 PM
 
Location: Back at home in western Washington!
1,490 posts, read 4,291,833 times
Reputation: 3236

Advertisements

My 16 yr old son (his 17th birthday is tomorrow) has been dating a young lady for about a year now. Her parents did not / do not want her dating until she goes to college. They were (hesitantly) ok with her seeing him occasionally (I also believe that she was lying to them about where she was going to see him). They have requested meetings with us a couple times to discuss their expectations and rules (we have met with them twice... all I can say is I have never met a more controlling person in my entire life). Basically, what it all boils down to is they decided today that she could not see him anymore. Her father called my husband to tell him... who does that?! Anyway, we have decided to wait until Sunday to tell him because tomorrow is his birthday and he has a sports event tomorrow to go to. It is going to crush him. I am worried that he will do something reckless and either A: get himself in trouble for "harassing" her because he wants to hear it from her directly or B: he will leave the house and hurt himself (I do not think he would be suicidal, but I DO believe that he would be reckless and that may result in him injuring himself accidentally).

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I am livid that her parents dumped this on us (but it may be for the better because we can break it to him "gently").

Parenting really sucks sometimes...
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-03-2013, 08:11 PM
 
5,548 posts, read 7,237,493 times
Reputation: 11094
Wow.

perhaps she will call him and talk it out.

talking with my teenager always went better while driving somewhere. might try that.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2013, 08:15 PM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
36,650 posts, read 47,374,457 times
Reputation: 47604
Man, that girl is going to go absolutely wild when she hits college.

Are they by any chance immigrants?
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2013, 08:16 PM
 
Location: Pa
42,762 posts, read 47,419,194 times
Reputation: 25256
I think you are doing it right by waiting after his birthday. I think the other parents are controling but want what's best for their daughter. Meaning concentrating on her studies at college. I feel bad for your son and yes it will break his heart. I would explain to him other girls will come along in college maybe.Tell him it's not your doing of breaking them up. I would keep an eye on him and hopefully he can move on.

I wish you luck!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2013, 08:25 PM
 
677 posts, read 1,092,544 times
Reputation: 691
You son has to understand now it's time to study and develop himself. He can't distract himself with pathetic teenage girls.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2013, 08:29 PM
 
Location: Back at home in western Washington!
1,490 posts, read 4,291,833 times
Reputation: 3236
Theoldnorth...they have already said that she won't be allowed to call him. I don't think she wants to break up. I think her parents are forcing it. I have also found that driving is a good distraction for both me and the kid I'm talking to.

North Beach...I agree. She will go from being isolated with a set bed time at 16 years old to having to make her own choices. I do not think she will be able to handle it. Not my problem though. They are not immigrants, they are 6th generation ranchers living in a tiny town in the middle of no where Montana.

Raena77... Thanks for the words of encouragement. We are going to make sure he understands that we did not cause this. I want him to feel that we are in his corner.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2013, 10:22 PM
 
428 posts, read 998,682 times
Reputation: 513
Do the kids go to the same school? If so, they can talk there. If not, as a parent, I'd suggest the other parents break this ridiculous news to my kid. Why should you be the bad guys? What cowards! They owe him the respect they aren't giving their own daughter. Yuck.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2013, 10:42 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,990 posts, read 49,651,710 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sanderling View Post
If not, as a parent, I'd suggest the other parents break this ridiculous news to my kid. Why should you be the bad guys? What cowards! They owe him the respect they aren't giving their own daughter. Yuck.
I agree.

Forcing kids apart almost always backfires.

I would suggest a meet-up with the six of you all in the same room so you son can witness all of this himself. If he gets the news second-hand from you, he may not trust it and will inevitably want to hear from the GF. This "desire for the 'truth'" will impel him to see her just to "hear her side."

Of course, your reaction in the next few weeks will be the prevailing factor in how your son moves forward.

Stay calm, don't baby him, and keep him busy. Listen to him when he's sad, but try not to overplay the importance of this relationship in the whole scheme of his life.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2013, 10:45 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,246 posts, read 92,515,432 times
Reputation: 40037
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabinerose View Post
My 16 yr old son (his 17th birthday is tomorrow) has been dating a young lady for about a year now. Her parents did not / do not want her dating until she goes to college. They were (hesitantly) ok with her seeing him occasionally (I also believe that she was lying to them about where she was going to see him). They have requested meetings with us a couple times to discuss their expectations and rules (we have met with them twice... all I can say is I have never met a more controlling person in my entire life). Basically, what it all boils down to is they decided today that she could not see him anymore. Her father called my husband to tell him... who does that?! Anyway, we have decided to wait until Sunday to tell him because tomorrow is his birthday and he has a sports event tomorrow to go to. It is going to crush him. I am worried that he will do something reckless and either A: get himself in trouble for "harassing" her because he wants to hear it from her directly or B: he will leave the house and hurt himself (I do not think he would be suicidal, but I DO believe that he would be reckless and that may result in him injuring himself accidentally).

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I am livid that her parents dumped this on us (but it may be for the better because we can break it to him "gently").

Parenting really sucks sometimes...

Parenthood is not for wimps, that's for sure.

The thing is, your son will be just fine once he gets over this upset because he has loving parents who are going to make sure of it. Good for you.

Pity that poor girl With such controlling parents she is doomed to making some pretty miserable choices and having a very unhappy life unless or until she eventually develops her own sense of self.

As for breaking the news to your son - the important thing here, I think, is that you are very honest with him about how strongly you disagree with her parents doing this, how unfair you know it is to him and how angry you are that someone is hurting him this way. He really needs to know and feel that you are on his side.

This is truly going to be a teachable moment - so do be ready to help him learn okay?

Once you have expressed your own anger and frustration so that he feels supported, you then have to help him understand that even though you don't agree with the parents tactics, they ARE her parents and this is their right to handle things this way. This is a good time to remind him that "life is not fair" and sometimes we just have to accept that and move on.

Tell him that he is a young man you are extremely proud of and that you want to help him continue to grow into the man he is already becoming. Emphasize to him that part of being a man is learning how to take the tough blows that sometimes come your way WITHOUT lashing out to hurt others or yourself no matter how angry or hurt you are.

Don't be shy about telling him what you expect of him - which is to handle this as maturely as you know he can. Kids WILL live up to our expectations, so don't let him think you expect him to do something reckless! Do let him know that you expect him to be angry and that that is okay, but that you also expect him to make a choice to handle this like a man.

Keep him close for a few days and don't wait for him to talk about his feelings - mention to him often how hard you know this is and how much you love him. Even if he pulls away or withdraws from you just be around and keep reminding him you are there.

The very best of luck to you. I'll say an extra prayer on Sunday for him!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-03-2013, 11:06 PM
 
298 posts, read 297,922 times
Reputation: 121
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabinerose View Post
My 16 yr old son (his 17th birthday is tomorrow) has been dating a young lady for about a year now. Her parents did not / do not want her dating until she goes to college. They were (hesitantly) ok with her seeing him occasionally (I also believe that she was lying to them about where she was going to see him). They have requested meetings with us a couple times to discuss their expectations and rules (we have met with them twice... all I can say is I have never met a more controlling person in my entire life). Basically, what it all boils down to is they decided today that she could not see him anymore. Her father called my husband to tell him... who does that?! Anyway, we have decided to wait until Sunday to tell him because tomorrow is his birthday and he has a sports event tomorrow to go to. It is going to crush him. I am worried that he will do something reckless and either A: get himself in trouble for "harassing" her because he wants to hear it from her directly or B: he will leave the house and hurt himself (I do not think he would be suicidal, but I DO believe that he would be reckless and that may result in him injuring himself accidentally).

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I am livid that her parents dumped this on us (but it may be for the better because we can break it to him "gently").

Parenting really sucks sometimes...

I would just pretend that the parents never called and let the daughter tell your son directly.

He will take it way better because she will probably promise to see him again soon and your son can get in no legal trouble, unless the parents directly tell your son himself to stay away from her. (No, you can't go through intermediaries.)
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2021, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top