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Nothing would be accomplished in a few days. I don't feel comfortable telling a stranger on the internet what to do in such a serious situation, but I can tell you what I would do. I would tell my spouse that I feel we have some serious problems in our relationship. I would has if he agrees. I would tell my spouse that our marriage means to world to me and that I really want to fix it by going to marriage counseling. if my spouse was unwilling to try to fix things, then iI would discuss separating. I don't mean for a few days. I mean indeffiniindefinitely . Sorry for the typos. My phone does strange thing. Indefinitely. if you move out, she will either whine and pout like a teenager, or she will do anything she can to get you back.
I agree with everything that Kibbie says. After the bolded, I would add and go to counseling myself. It is amazing that a spouse sometimes does not like the idea of someone saying things behind their back and will eventually go. But also, it will give you a PROFESSIONAL who can help you.
You have a therapist for your and your son together. I want to make sure you have one for YOU where you can speak freely without the presence of your son.
Some where in this thread I suggested you sit down with your wife and have a very serious, honest discussion with her. I even suggested some wording for you. Have you done that? Sit down, tell her that you love her, you value the marriage, and the marriage is in trouble and you want to fix it. It will be hard work.
Until you have this discussion, a few days apart will be useless. A trial separation for a couple of days will accomplish nothing. She will pout and cry. You will go back home and nothing will change.
It's taken you 18 or so years to develop these patterns. They are not going to magically disappear after a couple of days.
Uhm... yea. A trial separation is something you involve the lawyers in (to hash certain details out) and like previous posters say, something that takes over a much longer period (most people I know take 6 months to 2 years). And usually, it involves both parties agreeing to a trial separation (to work on their marriage or to decide if they're better off together/apart).
Agree some therapy sessions with you alone will help. That way the therapist and you can discuss everything freely without having to be guarded in front of your son. Some things are just none of his business and children shouldn't be made privy to the personal details of a marriage.
Re: trial separation. If getting away for a few days to escape the stress is what you need, that's understandable. But don't expect your wife's attitude to do a complete 180 in that short a period of time. She may view it as a break from being confronted about her behavior.
You sound like a good guy and I bet that a lot of women would gladly trade places with your wife. If she could see what kind of men are out there in the dating pool, she'd value you a heck of a lot more.
You seem to be looking at the trial separation as a weapon in this stupid, childish battle she engages you in.
"A few days apart to see if she misses me..." are the words that gave it away.
Do not leave your house. Do not engage her if she continues the cruel, passive aggressive stunts like the Chinese takeout.
Tell her if she does not go to therapy you will see a lawyer about a trial separation because you are tired of her treating you like crap. Then be prepared to follow through.
I tried to do it delicately. I sat her down in the bedroom( closed the door for privacy but the door didn't close all the way and began our talk. She said she still loves me. She did a 180 and went onto say that I was a horrible role model for my son as I “ abandoned my responsibilities to go party at college”( will tell you that those visits where we would sit in the dorm and he would kiss her on the cheek and climb all over her, were the best nights of my ND tenure). My son heard the whole thing and told his mom to “ watch your mouth” and that he( me) is a “ much better parent”, This caused her to lock herself in our room and cry. I took him into his room I made him apologize.
The more I read the less sympathy I feel for you. Are you not able to close a door all the way? Stop placing your son squarely in the middle of your marriage!
she is holding an 18 year old grudge! how did you respond?
That's not very nice of your son. I understand he's trying to defend you, but that is crossing the line there. He should not have interrupted. He's made this more difficult than necessary.
Do have to have another discussion and tell your son to make himself scarce.
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