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One area of parenting that I think I have a hard time handling is childhood disappointments. I just found out today that I will have to tell my almost 13 year old daughter that she was cut from the cast of a play that she had a callback for the other day. She was counting on this show being one of her main activities this summer.
My daughter has had her share of disappointments over the years. She has had a number of health problems, and she struggled academically and a bit socially as well when she was younger. She also did not do well in sports either, so I kept looking for some area where she may excel. Eventually we settled on the performing arts, which was one area where she was finally getting earned compliments rather than negative reports. Initially I was happy she found a home in this area. She sang in a children's chorus where she gained confidence and improved her memory through the process of memorizing so many difficult songs. She got tired of singing classical songs though and moved to musical theater.
I did musical theater when I was younger and enjoyed it. Today though with the advent of all the talent shows on TV etc., it seems to be a much more difficult extra curricular activity. My daughter has shed her share of tears over casting decisions. We tried one theater where no kids are cut from the show, but one of the directors was a little bit like the woman from Dance Moms. There was a lot of yelling, and parents were banned from the theater because the director did not like us there. We had a difficult summer there last year when my daughter did a show.
Now we settled on a theater which is really popular (and therefore competitive) in our area. My daughter has made the cast of a few shows there. However, she had some problems with her latest callback. She has become rather resilient, but I am worried that yet another disappointment is going to make her want to give up trying. I'm surprised how bad these situations make me feel as well. There always a part of me that wants to call the director or adult who is making my kid feel bad. Does anyone have insights on how you have helped your child handle repeated disappointments?
I gotta ask . . . if this situation is causing so much anxiety and feelings of failure . . . why are you encouraging your daughter to pursue it?
Why not find some other outlet where your daughter can feel more successful?
And although I am sure you have the best of intentions, you need to stop and think about how involved you are in something that is your daughter's "thing." When a parent gets to the point that they are even THINKING about calling the director, coach, instructor, etc. about the fact that they are "making a kid feel bad," . . . then that parent is over the top with being too involved. You are overly personalizing what should be a growth and development experience for your daughter.
Again, I would have to ask . . . why are you encouraging your daughter to even expose herself to continual let downs and what she may feel are "failures?" What do you think this is teaching her? Why would you feel it is a valuable lesson to be getting the implied message that she doesn't "measure up?"
I would have my kid in pottery class or giving her art lessons once I saw this much anxiety and disappointment arising from try-outs in theatre. At least she would have a sense of completion and validation when she creates a dish or paints a picture.
I gotta ask . . . if this situation is causing so much anxiety and feelings of failure . . . why are you encouraging your daughter to pursue it?
Why not find some other outlet where your daughter can feel more successful?
And although I am sure you have the best of intentions, you need to stop and think about how involved you are in something that is your daughter's "thing." When a parent gets to the point that they are even THINKING about calling the director, coach, instructor, etc. about the fact that they are "making a kid feel bad," . . . then that parent is over the top with being too involved. You are overly personalizing what should be a growth and development experience for your daughter.
Again, I would have to ask . . . why are you encouraging your daughter to even expose herself to continual let downs and what she may feel are "failures?" What do you think this is teaching her? Why would you feel it is a valuable lesson to be getting the implied message that she doesn't "measure up?"
I would have my kid in pottery class or giving her art lessons once I saw this much anxiety and disappointment arising from try-outs in theatre. At least she would have a sense of completion and validation when she creates a dish or paints a picture.
When she gets into the shows, she LOVES them. She also is good at the performing arts. She would not get much validation from pottery because she is not good at making pottery. She wants to do these shows, but it is very competitive, and there are times that this difficult. However, this is the first area where she found success. As I mentioned, she was dealing with failure in multiple other areas before she found success here in many cases (but of course not all the time.) It was in other areas that other adults were given her the feeling repeatedly that she did not measure up. (teachers, coaches etc.)
As for me, I care about my daughter, so of course I am upset and want to defend her when something happens that makes her feel bad. I have seen this in other parents as well, so I don't think it is that unusual.
As for handling the disappointment, I was hoping for tidbits on helping her handle the disappointments, but I was also acknowledging I am human and am sad for her as well.
As for me, I care about my daughter, so of course I am upset and want to defend her when something happens that makes her feel bad. I have seen this in other parents as well, so I don't think it is that unusual.
Not unusual and certainly more than understandable. But perhaps not in her long term best interested. At 13, it is time for her to start handling these things on her own.
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As for handling the disappointment, I was hoping for tidbits on helping her handle the disappointments, but I was also acknowledging I am human and am sad for her as well.
Empathetic but non dramatic listening would be key, it seems to me. Try to ensure that your own disappointment on her behalf does not swell her disappointment.
All mothers' always get upset when our children or anyone we care about are hurt whether emotionally or physically. In this case, I would have asked the coach or whomever called why was she declined the part? Listen to them and ask if there are some workshops in the area that can help her to become better. Then let your daughter know that she could do some workshops if she wants but do not tell her if it would be hurtful why the declined. Let her know that the role was not the right fit for her and that is why she did not get the part. Leave it up to your daughter to decide what she wants to do with her summer and let it go about the part. This is acting and there will be times when actors are told no they did not get the part at least it happened now and not when she was 21 on her own......
My daughter has shed her share of tears over casting decisions. We tried one theater where no kids are cut from the show, but one of the directors was a little bit like the woman from Dance Moms. There was a lot of yelling, and parents were banned from the theater because the director did not like us there. We had a difficult summer there last year when my daughter did a show.
Did your daughter have a difficult time with this director or did you? Because a no-cut group is your solution if she truly loves musical theater.
Lots of rejection and disappointment in acting. I wouldn't put a child who has a problem handling it into acting, even at the local level. Or she could do what nearly all the real-life actors I know do: be totally neurotic and have TWO waiter jobs. One to keep the bills paid - because roomie is getting rejected too -and one to pay for therapy.
"They never cast me and I can't handle one more rejection."
"Maybe you should think about doing something else with your life?"
"But I LOVE acting!"
"Then let's make an appointment for next week and talk about using your 'rejection tool-box'". (Which is where you come in. If she truly enjoys it, I don't think the solution is to bounce around. The solution is to either stick with the yelling director and learn how to handle him or learn how to handled not getting the part.)
Try another creative outlet. Go online to your local township activities. They may have acting camps? Look up your states local activities. Try acting out poetry? Or there is a thing called live art which they perform works of art. You seem like a loving parent and as a parent you do feel the pain when you child is rejected. Good luck to you. Your daughter will find out her way.
Instead of focusing on her and your disappointment, I would focus on this opening up new opportunities.
"Since this time didn't come through for you, what would you like to try next?"
In our area some cities and colleges offer drama camps, does your area have that? She can improve her skills all while having another opportunity to perform.
Or perhaps she can volunteer to help with props, lighting, sound, costumes etc at the theater where she auditioned.
Then again, she can gather up neighbor kids and they can do their own show for the parents, with her as director.
The point is, open your minds to her doing all kinds of things connected to performing instead of dwelling on what isn't going to happen. Push for positive thoughts and not negative ones.
I was involved extensively in theater from age 8 through my undergraduate degree in college. I acted, did lighting, built sets, stage manged, often did the make up for most or all of the cast and eventually directed several community theater shows. And yes. I got rejected a lot. In college, when I though I was really good both as an actor and in tech, I tried out for six summer stock programs and also applied to do tech for three of them. All of them rejected me. Later one picked my up as an alternate actor and tech support person when I was not in a show. It was a shock, I had had four straight leads and directed two shows that came out really well. How could they not want me? The next year three programs of three wanted me. I wasn't any better, it was just a better fit at that particular time for the shows they were doing.
Some of our kids are now pretty heavily involved in community theater and high school shows as well. They get rejected, they know to expect some rejection, so they move on and try out for some other group a few days or weeks later. It is not about how good you are as much as how well suited for the cast the director is trying to put together.
Theater is an emotional roller coaster. You get parts by getting good at trying out, not just by being talented. You get good at trying out by doing it a lot and getting rejected a lot. Your daughter just has to learn that getting rejected is just part of the whole thing. It happens.
Usually, there are a lot of theater groups within an hour of your home (unless you live in the sticks). Find several show them to your daughter and encourage her to try out for several. Tell her that she definitely will not get some of the parts, so she may as well try out for all of them.
Part of the problem with the disappointment is she is expecting to get the part. No matter how good someone is, they are always not as good as they think they are. Further, the determination is not made on talent alone. She might be a soprano and the director wants an alto in the part. She may be blonde and the director wants a brunette. She may not be a good match for the person the director has decided will play the mother or sister. Recently one of my older daughters tried out for a show where she was absolutely the best singing performer who tried out. No one was even close. there were some good actors(resses), but their singing was not near her level. However she was the youngest person who tried out and the smallest. She ended up with basically a chorus part and a handful of solos and duets to back up leads who could not sing their part. She swallowed her pride and did the best chorus performance she could muster. Now when another show comes up the directors and producer for that group will be grateful and may consider her for a more exciting part if she is physically suited for the part. Another time she tried out for a lead and was clearly the ideal choice. However the male lead in the show was 6'6" and she is 5'2" that is just not going to work. A taller girl who cannot sing and act as well was the lead instead. Our daughter played a small supporting role that required a really high soprano. It is hugely disappointing when you are clearly the best talent wise for a major part and do not get it, or get no part at all, but it happens.
On top of that, with small theater groups, politics can come into play. Family X has been a member of the group since it started. They financially support the theater group. the mom makes all the costumes, the dad builds the sets and the aunt paints the scenery. The mom also produces most of the shows and the dad provides advertising through his contacts with the local paper. Without family X the group may well fail. Family Xs daughter tries out for the lead and no other part. Unless the daughter is absolutely awful (and sometimes even if she is awful) she is going to get the part.
I have seen situations where an actress who wanted a lead found the director in a bar a few weeks before try outs and started sleeping with him. She got the lead and then dumped him immediately after the show.
Lots and lots of things happen. If you are not the directors choice for a part, you are not their choice for the part. It does not mean you were not the best or most talented, it means you were not what they were looking for. If people want to get into theater, they need to learn to not take it personally.
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