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Though this is true, allowing someone to live a home just because times have changed is not, in my opinion, preparing them to face exactly what you are protecting them against. Sure they may have a little extra money saved up, but they have not had any experience with negotiating their way around what can be a very harsh and difficult world.
I am not in favor of kicking out every kid as soon as they reach adulthood, but from my own experience, I can tell you that I am much better situated than many of my peers to navigate things like finding a new job, moving to a new city, dealing with difficult interpersonal relationships, investing money, negotiating for large purchases, etc.
There is no substitute for experience and sometimes that means making a mistake. It concerns me that so many parents think its absolutely normal to allow a child to live at home until they get married, while they are pursuing a grad degree, etc. It seems to have a lot more to do with the parent than the adult child.
I don't think allowing kids to live at home is the same as protecting them from making a mistake. From the time my kids were very little I have always allowed them to make mistakes (even if they were sometimes pretty uncomfortable) so they could learn from them. I would expect that a kid living at home under the circumstances under the circumstances that I specified would be doing all the things you say they won't learn when living at home. Actually, they should be doing things like negotiating for purchases and investing while they are much younger than late teens. And how does living at home keep a person from learning to deal with difficult interpersonal relationships?
If the Adult child is working minimum wage, retail etc... how can he/she afford a place of his/her own? If they had the minimum wage job for some time I could see it. But if I just returned home from college and I just started a minimum wage job, whilst looking in the nights, days off for the "real" job, how can I afford an apartment and expenses making 7.50 an hour?
If the Adult child is working minimum wage, retail etc... how can he/she afford a place of his/her own? If they had the minimum wage job for some time I could see it. But if I just returned home from college and I just started a minimum wage job, whilst looking in the nights, days off for the "real" job, how can I afford an apartment and expenses making 7.50 an hour?
The way tens of thousands of other poverty line Americans do-- work more than one job. You have a college degree- get temp work in an office. That pays more than minimum wage, guaranteed.
Sorry I don't have a lot of sympathy for this argument. My mom raised us by working two and three jobs cleaning houses, waiting tables, etc. It can be done. And a college degree gives you access to jobs that my momma didn't have. I got my degree and worked several jobs for a few years when I got out of school. People who posit this argument haven't really cut the cord from the parents. Think about what you would do WITHOUT mom and dad to fall back on. You would have to survive, right? What would your plan be then?
The way tens of thousands of other poverty line Americans do-- work more than one job. You have a college degree- get temp work in an office. That pays more than minimum wage, guaranteed.
Sorry I don't have a lot of sympathy for this argument. My mom raised us by working two and three jobs cleaning houses, waiting tables, etc. It can be done. And a college degree gives you access to jobs that my momma didn't have. I got my degree and worked several jobs for a few years when I got out of school. People who posit this argument haven't really cut the cord from the parents. Think about what you would do WITHOUT mom and dad to fall back on. You would have to survive, right? What would your plan be then?
Does your Momma want you to struggle like she did? Every generation has some things better, and some things worse, than the generation before them. She most likely didn't have internet in her home while you were young, but that doesn't stop you from having it. Struggling, just for the sake of saying you did, makes no sense.
Parents may be less likely to show their kids the door at 18, or after college, but it isn't as easy to support yourself as it was 30 or 40 years ago.
I've seen it work both ways. Some kids are independent and only move back home to move ahead. In these instances, it works out great. However, I have to say that I have seen your scenario more often than not for older children...not recent grads, but mid to late 30s and early 40s! Children who are divorced, single-parents, older children wanting to return to school. In these cases, I believe the children are moochers. They've had a taste of life and don't want to continue to pay for it, so, they move back with mom and dad to supplement their lifestyle. It does happen. It is sad.
But for recent grads who are not yet 25, I can see returning home for a while to get their finances in order. Beyond 27-28, personally, I'd have to wonder why? At this point relationships, personal preferences, work, etc., all come into play. I would think one's privacy would take precedence when these life event's become more imminent which would make most children want a place of their own.
A friend of mine moved home when she was 35 because she was in an abusive relationship and needed to get out. She worked two jobs to support 3 kids in public housing prior to moving home. She struggled and her mom said she could move home and she would help with the kids. Even after she moved home, she continued to work two jobs so she could save and get her life back on track. I really think my friend was certainly not a moocher. I think it depends on the situation a person goes through.
I have also seen 20 somethings who live at home and use that as an excuse not to take any job they can get. They seem to think they can hold out for a management position and remain unemployed for years at a time in order to wait for a white collar job. I lived at home for a while in my twenties, but my mom said I had to start paying my own bills when I was 18. I even had to buy all my own food and if I didn't work, I didn't eat.
Does your Momma want you to struggle like she did? Every generation has some things better, and some things worse, than the generation before them. She most likely didn't have internet in her home while you were young, but that doesn't stop you from having it. Struggling, just for the sake of saying you did, makes no sense.
Parents may be less likely to show their kids the door at 18, or after college, but it isn't as easy to support yourself as it was 30 or 40 years ago.
None of us struggled as much as she did because none of us married someone we thought would support us only to find out we had to support ourselves and our children. None of us were left high and dry with young kids to care for and no education or income. I have nothing but admiration for the way my mother handled the situation. She was thrown into a situation that would make many people turn to drinking, drugs or some other escape, She could have just laid down and given up. But she didn't. And that is what I am talking about here.
My fear in reading these posts, and observing other family members, is that the grit that my mother, and people like her, had has somehow been lost. That if a college grad finds out that the job market is tough, there is someone there to say "don't worry. You can always live with me. I hope you never leave." That when minimum wage doesn't cover the bills, parents encourage their kids not to bother to try and make it on their own by sacrificing and learning to be self-sufficient. That people believe the hype that "its too for a young person expensive to live!" Because unless all of you are in Manhattan, DC, LA, Boston or SF, its not all that terrible.
Yes, starting out is tough. But at some point, you have to TRY. I know that people move home for a host of reasons, and many are legitimate. But it disturbs me when I see the codependency that people in my own family are fostering in their kids. And let me assure you, my siblings and I were raised by a lioness: there is no earthly reason for my family members to act this way. If there were issues with one of my nieces/nephews paying the bills when starting out, I know that there are lots of people who would rush to help them. They wouldn't get evicted or ruin their credit. But they are not even getting a chance to find out what its like to be on their own. They have parents who are keeping them so close, its taking the will to do anything independent right out of them.
I suspect this is going on in more than just my family.
This has been an extremely interesting discussion so far, and it has many aspects. I tend to side with the OP mostly, but the situation is multi-faceted. Generational attitudes play a part; I am 69 and adult kids living at home in the 50's and 60's was less common, but certainly not unheard of. Conditions were different, I admit. The biggie was that college costs were more reasonable; we did not normally exit college saddled with debt.
I have seen mooching adult kids, and parents who were just fine with enabling it. How about the 25-year-old with a masters in art history who lived at home for a year and a half looking for a job in her field without working any sort of other job at all while looking? That is sad, and sick, and the parents were fine with it. That is called enabling the dysfunctionality of the child.
The weakest, most defensive argument I've seen here was telling the OP it is none of his business how his nieces and nephews live. Well hello? This is an online discussion forum. It's completely his business to observe life, to observe parenting, and to reflect on it here. It may be none of his business in terms of interfering with his siblings' raising of their children, but he gave no indication he was considering that.
But I agree with posters who gave examples of hard-working adult children who are both contributing to the household and saving up; there is nothing per se wrong with that. Ditto with kids who are carrying a full-time load of classes in college. None of that is mooching.
This has been an extremely interesting discussion so far, and it has many aspects. I tend to side with the OP mostly, but the situation is multi-faceted. Generational attitudes play a part; I am 69 and adult kids living at home in the 50's and 60's was less common, but certainly not unheard of. .
I don't remember people moving out before marriage in those days. Even the guys that got drafted went back home when they got out. It might be geography since I don't seem to remember many apartments being built until the early 70's where I lived and I think the increase in divorce led to that. In my area it was leave your parents house for your own house. No renting in between.
I certainly didn't ask. One candidate said "Yep, I am living at home with the parents! Living the dream" very sarcastically. Another said that she had had to move home because she had gone to school in NYC and couldn't afford the COL after she graduated. These were just conversational mentions. I know that there are legit reasons an adult child might have to live at home.
I will tell you what I am noticing on this thread. A few have shared their perfectly valid experiences in favor of making their own way as a young adult. Most posters have chosen to ignore that and defend their choices to allow their adult child to live at home. Notice that these are PARENTAL choices, not the kid's choice.
I suspect that many of these parents feed their kids info about how expensive and harsh it is to live away from the nest while laying it on thick about the comforts of home ("we have a great big house! You can come and go as you please!") These parents are stacking the deck so their kids won't even try to leave. They are making the kids fearful that they will fail on their own. And really, what would happen if they did? They could COME HOME. That is clearly always there. Why not let your kid try it out?
Nope. I want my kids gone when the time is right. I don't think there is anything positive that can come out of them finishing school with $75K in debt. I admire those who have overcome adversity but that doesn't mean I will place adversity in the path of my family members just to see if they can do it too. My parents paid for college. I graduated at 21 and moved out of my family home at 22. I can't see how being saddled with a ton of debt would have made my life any better.
I don't remember people moving out before marriage in those days. Even the guys that got drafted went back home when they got out. It might be geography since I don't seem to remember many apartments being built until the early 70's where I lived and I think the increase in divorce led to that. In my area it was leave your parents house for your own house. No renting in between.
I think it was the 70s before young single people started living on their own in large numbers. People generally lived at home until marriage prior to that. Single women often lived at home forever. When the parents died, they took over the house. People did marry very young in the 50s and 60s, so living at home wasn't so much of an issue.
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and remain unemployed for years at a time in order to wait for a white collar job. I lived at home for a while in my twenties, but my mom said I had to start paying my own bills when I was 18. I even had to buy all my own food and if I didn't work, I didn't eat.
