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Son not responding to text messages, living with dad, run away, rebellious teenager, develop new kind of relationship, visitations, court agreement, limit communication
Two, you're his mom and likely know him better than anyone else does. If you feel he's doing this to manipulate you, the best thing to do is back off. He might be shocked by silence from you. I started composing my other post without reading your second one- I was pulled away and never read it before posting.
Your comment about the weather being a topic to argue about made me giggle- the same thing goes on here. No matter what we talk about, if he's in a mood to argue, he will find a way to do so. The most benign of topics sometimes creates the ugliest scenes...... I'm doing my best to attribute it to hormones and I've managed to keep the upper hand- although we sometime have to spar verbally for him to concede.
twowolves, I'm sorry to hear your son is not responding to you. I agree with your mom and another poster. This is what I would do:
Text or write something like this to your son: You have chosen to live with your father and have no contact with me. I will honor that decision. I hope at some point we can talk. Until then, know that I love you. Mom
Then stop all communication attempts. I'm trying to send the message that this is HIS choice and not something you are doing to him. He must be accountable for his actions. If he chooses to ignore you, then so be it. I would not attempt to ask everyone how he is. You will hear news when you hear it. This is tough love, for both of you.
This includes the holidays, no presents either if he's not speaking to you. You must not contact him, very important. Remember, he made these decisions. He must deal with the consequences of his actions. Beth
You're so right. He WANTS me to beg him, I am sure of it. He has so much as almost said that himself. In fact, last week as he was 'packing' his clothes, he said 'You are going to be sorry I left, this day was coming, don't you remember last time I left, how you cried and begged me all the time to come back....?'
I might text him one more time and it would be to possibly use your example above. That's good.
I feel so sorry for you, having to go thru this.... Kids sometimes, have NO idea how much they hurt their Parents.
But let him know you love him and will be here.when he is ready to TALK, not just to jump back in youre House and take over....
twowolves, I'm sorry to hear your son is not responding to you. I agree with your mom and another poster. This is what I would do:
Text or write something like this to your son: You have chosen to live with your father and have no contact with me. I will honor that decision. I hope at some point we can talk. Until then, know that I love you. Mom
Then stop all communication attempts. I'm trying to send the message that this is HIS choice and not something you are doing to him. He must be accountable for his actions. If he chooses to ignore you, then so be it. I would not attempt to ask everyone how he is. You will hear news when you hear it. This is tough love, for both of you.
This includes the holidays, no presents either if he's not speaking to you. You must not contact him, very important. Remember, he made these decisions. He must deal with the consequences of his actions. Beth
Great words of advice.
I am letting myself feel guilty when I shouldn't!! Remember that awful night last week when it all went down...well, my hubby ultimately TOLD my son to 'call your daddy right now to come and get you since we are so awful and you can't respect your mother....' and so my son immediately called his dad and put on a big scene for him on the phone like he (my son) was just miserable and we were being the biggest MEANIES. When, on the other hand, it's been the complete opposite for weeks. We have been so nice and sweet to my son...and he's been treating (me, not hubby) us like DIRT. Cursing in front of the 3yr old and the 16mo old (who doesn't really know)......punching things in his room that we paid precious $ for like his expensive headboard....
So, I need help not to soften here thinking that he'd still be here if my husband didn't say that.......
Anyway, it's a moot point. My son has apparently been conspiring behind our backs with the dad on getting him out of here and if not last week, it would've happened sooner than later. It really pisses me off that my son is treating me like this....in a way, he's also treating my husband like this too just not directly IN HIS FACE. My husband is really hurt by my son, I can tell. Very hurt inside. My husband has been an AWESOME stepfather.
I did call his VM....did it this afternoon while I knew he was in wrestling practice. Here's basically what I said:
'Hi, it's mom. I just basically want to tell you that I love you very much. We miss you, ______ (3yr old) said today that he wanted to see you, I told him you were at school. (son really loves the 3yr old) I hope you are doing well. I am not going to hound you anymore by texting or calling you.....I understand that you are angry at me.....I hope you are thinking about that. When you are ready to call or come home, you are welcome back at any time......we'll be waiting for your call. I love you, mom.'
Now, you all might think it too 'nicey'. I don't know. It's the best I could muster up. The normal me would've been even nicer but I made sure to not sound 'groveling'....because he loves that. For some non-understandable reason. I ended the message with putting it in his court. If and when he does come home, you bet there will be some ground rules laid down. But, not now. I didn't feel it the right time for that.
It's a great idea to not contact him even for the holidays.....that will show that I mean business. And, he would/will be shocked if I can do it! He knows I am a softie. I hope I can hold out....that would send a very strong message to him......that he can't keep treating me like garbage.....he needs to learn this lesson for LIFE.
I feel so sorry for you, having to go thru this.... Kids sometimes, have NO idea how much they hurt their Parents.
But let him know you love him and will be here.when he is ready to TALK, not just to jump back in youre House and take over....
If ya need someone to lean on.. I am here .
Thank you so much! Just keep track of my threads.....I need supporters like you all!
It's very hard for me, I just miss him so much. And his room just is right in my face all the time, even with the door shut....but he's w/the dad.......and who knows if days go by without him even thinking about us.
My 3yr old said today he wanted to see his brother, I just said 'he's at school honey...' and am glad right now that a 3yr old doesn't know school lets out every day.........but where is his big brother.......
I am letting myself feel guilty when I shouldn't!! Remember that awful night last week when it all went down...well, my hubby ultimately TOLD my son to 'call your daddy right now to come and get you since we are so awful and you can't respect your mother....' and so my son immediately called his dad and put on a big scene for him on the phone like he (my son) was just miserable and we were being the biggest MEANIES. When, on the other hand, it's been the complete opposite for weeks. We have been so nice and sweet to my son...and he's been treating (me, not hubby) us like DIRT. Cursing in front of the 3yr old and the 16mo old (who doesn't really know)......punching things in his room that we paid precious $ for like his expensive headboard....
So, I need help not to soften here thinking that he'd still be here if my husband didn't say that.......
Anyway, it's a moot point. My son has apparently been conspiring behind our backs with the dad on getting him out of here and if not last week, it would've happened sooner than later. It really pisses me off that my son is treating me like this....in a way, he's also treating my husband like this too just not directly IN HIS FACE. My husband is really hurt by my son, I can tell. Very hurt inside. My husband has been an AWESOME stepfather.
I did call his VM....did it this afternoon while I knew he was in wrestling practice. Here's basically what I said:
'Hi, it's mom. I just basically want to tell you that I love you very much. We miss you, ______ (3yr old) said today that he wanted to see you, I told him you were at school. (son really loves the 3yr old) I hope you are doing well. I am not going to hound you anymore by texting or calling you.....I understand that you are angry at me.....I hope you are thinking about that. When you are ready to call or come home, you are welcome back at any time......we'll be waiting for your call. I love you, mom.'
Now, you all might think it too 'nicey'. I don't know. It's the best I could muster up. The normal me would've been even nicer but I made sure to not sound 'groveling'....because he loves that. For some non-understandable reason. I ended the message with putting it in his court. If and when he does come home, you bet there will be some ground rules laid down. But, not now. I didn't feel it the right time for that.
It's a great idea to not contact him even for the holidays.....that will show that I mean business. And, he would/will be shocked if I can do it! He knows I am a softie. I hope I can hold out....that would send a very strong message to him......that he can't keep treating me like garbage.....he needs to learn this lesson for LIFE.
What do you think of what I said?? Honest please.
Oh. twowolves, you did pretty good. But, "you are welcome back anytime and we'll be waiting for your call" were not what I would have said, but, as you said, it was the best you could do right now. So it's OK. Try to resist sending the message of everything is OK and I will always be here. Your attitude should be more of "you need to explain yourself and apologize for your inappropriate behavior." Believe me, my heart goes out to you. If my only son did this as a teenager, it would have been very difficult. Yes, forget the holidays. Presents are a big NO right now. Family is important if he wants to be involved, that's great. If not, go forward. Tough, Tough, Tough. Remember, your son did this, not you. Stop feeling guilty, mom!
Oh, and God bless your current husband. He seems to be trying very hard. This isn't easy for him either. I hope you realize how difficult it is to balance things at home. It's not always easy with step children and he seems to really care. He loves you and is trying. Can't ask for much more than that.
Oh. twowolves, you did pretty good. But, "you are welcome back anytime and we'll be waiting for your call" were not what I would have said, but, as you said, it was the best you could do right now. So it's OK. Try to resist sending the message of everything is OK and I will always be here. Your attitude should be more of "you need to explain yourself and apologize for your inappropriate behavior." Believe me, my heart goes out to you. If my only son did this as a teenager, it would have been very difficult. Yes, forget the holidays. Presents are a big NO right now. Family is important if he wants to be involved, that's great. If not, go forward. Tough, Tough, Tough. Remember, your son did this, not you. Stop feeling guilty, mom!
Oh, and God bless your current husband. He seems to be trying very hard. This isn't easy for him either. I hope you realize how difficult it is to balance things at home. It's not always easy with step children and he seems to really care. He loves you and is trying. Can't ask for much more than that.
Oh, I know I botched it up! When I told my mom that part, she freaked out and said I ruined it. She said now he feels like he and his behavior are welcome back here, she's probably right, and you are too. But, his behavior won't be welcome back here....only I am not saying that right now. I guess the worst thing that could come of my msg is that he will just stay away longer maybe because he feels like the door is open, and that's correct in a way....so to speak. And also he might 'right now' feel like he can just come back and pick up where he left off.....only he will get an eye-opener upon entering the front door.......he just doesn't know it yet. Also, my husband is still very angry....and hurt.....and has stuck to his guns this time as far as 'he's not coming back in here without some BIG changes.....' so my son will have to deal with his stepfather as well, before re-entering our family here. A whole 'nother' story.
In the meantime, I am now off the hook as far as contacting him. Let some silence from this end, hit him.
And, now it's in his court....which is a good thing because he likes me to grovel to him.....for some sick reason. But, now that I have declared that we will wait for him to contact us.....he has to make the first move. That will be hard for him and a good lesson for life.....he has to learn to give in and be more humble. I am too humble for my own good.
I should have waited before leaving the message, another day or so. So that I could've read your sample.......and done a better job. But, can't go back now..... See? Too humble for my own good....
I am letting myself feel guilty when I shouldn't!! Remember that awful night last week when it all went down...well, my hubby ultimately TOLD my son to 'call your daddy right now to come and get you since we are so awful and you can't respect your mother....' and so my son immediately called his dad and put on a big scene for him on the phone like he (my son) was just miserable and we were being the biggest MEANIES. When, on the other hand, it's been the complete opposite for weeks. We have been so nice and sweet to my son...and he's been treating (me, not hubby) us like DIRT. Cursing in front of the 3yr old and the 16mo old (who doesn't really know)......punching things in his room that we paid precious $ for like his expensive headboard....
So, I need help not to soften here thinking that he'd still be here if my husband didn't say that.......
Anyway, it's a moot point. My son has apparently been conspiring behind our backs with the dad on getting him out of here and if not last week, it would've happened sooner than later. It really pisses me off that my son is treating me like this....in a way, he's also treating my husband like this too just not directly IN HIS FACE. My husband is really hurt by my son, I can tell. Very hurt inside. My husband has been an AWESOME stepfather.
I did call his VM....did it this afternoon while I knew he was in wrestling practice. Here's basically what I said:
'Hi, it's mom. I just basically want to tell you that I love you very much. We miss you, ______ (3yr old) said today that he wanted to see you, I told him you were at school. (son really loves the 3yr old) I hope you are doing well. I am not going to hound you anymore by texting or calling you.....I understand that you are angry at me.....I hope you are thinking about that. When you are ready to call or come home, you are welcome back at any time......we'll be waiting for your call. I love you, mom.'
Now, you all might think it too 'nicey'. I don't know. It's the best I could muster up. The normal me would've been even nicer but I made sure to not sound 'groveling'....because he loves that. For some non-understandable reason. I ended the message with putting it in his court. If and when he does come home, you bet there will be some ground rules laid down. But, not now. I didn't feel it the right time for that.
It's a great idea to not contact him even for the holidays.....that will show that I mean business. And, he would/will be shocked if I can do it! He knows I am a softie. I hope I can hold out....that would send a very strong message to him......that he can't keep treating me like garbage.....he needs to learn this lesson for LIFE.
What do you think of what I said?? Honest please.
I think you did very well in your message to your son. I probably wouldn't have said 'we'll be waiting for your call' because it would direct all attention onto him (which is what he wants), but overall, great job! I know it must have been extremely hard to make the "cut off" of your contact with your son at this point, but I commend your bravery and strength as a loving and caring mother. I hope to hear that he soon apologizes and comes home. Best wishes
Oh, I know I botched it up! When I told my mom that part, she freaked out and said I ruined it. She said now he feels like he and his behavior are welcome back here, she's probably right, and you are too. But, his behavior won't be welcome back here....only I am not saying that right now. I guess the worst thing that could come of my msg is that he will just stay away longer maybe because he feels like the door is open, and that's correct in a way....so to speak. And also he might 'right now' feel like he can just come back and pick up where he left off.....only he will get an eye-opener upon entering the front door.......he just doesn't know it yet. Also, my husband is still very angry....and hurt.....and has stuck to his guns this time as far as 'he's not coming back in here without some BIG changes.....' so my son will have to deal with his stepfather as well, before re-entering our family here. A whole 'nother' story.
In the meantime, I am now off the hook as far as contacting him. Let some silence from this end, hit him.
And, now it's in his court....which is a good thing because he likes me to grovel to him.....for some sick reason. But, now that I have declared that we will wait for him to contact us.....he has to make the first move. That will be hard for him and a good lesson for life.....he has to learn to give in and be more humble. I am too humble for my own good.
I should have waited before leaving the message, another day or so. So that I could've read your sample.......and done a better job. But, can't go back now..... See? Too humble for my own good....
twowolves, this may take awhile. If looking in his room hurts you, shut the door. The best thing you can do now is be silent. Nada, nothing, zero. Back off and be a little more distant. Give him some room, he's a teenager and they all think they know everything. But if you do speak with him, you need to be firm and upfront about things, not a mushy mother. If he is going to live with you, he needs to know the rules. And he needs to know how he has hurt his entire family, you and your husband and his siblings. And he needs to explain himself and his actions. Give him time to see what is really going on.
And for Heaven's sake, if you grovel to him, I am going to come and find you and give you a piece of my mind. Beth
twowolves, this may take awhile. If looking in his room hurts you, shut the door. The best thing you can do now is be silent. Nada, nothing, zero. Back off and be a little more distant. Give him some room, he's a teenager and they all think they know everything. But if you do speak with him, you need to be firm and upfront about things, not a mushy mother. If he is going to live with you, he needs to know the rules. And he needs to know how he has hurt his entire family, you and your husband and his siblings. And he needs to explain himself and his actions. Give him time to see what is really going on.
And for Heaven's sake, if you grovel to him, I am going to come and find you and give you a piece of my mind. Beth
LOL! Well, I am still feeling strong. I get my weak moments of where I want to text him or leave a VM....when I begin to really miss him. And, so leaving a VM or text for some reason temporarily takes SOME of the hurt and missing away.....I am trying to pray the urge away. And trying to remember how giving in could cause a backslide.......last night at dinner I missed him cuz I made a baked chicken which he loves and it was yummy....I was thinking of how he was missing out and probably had a t.v. dinner at his dad's instead..... Oh well.
Thanks Beth, you're so nice.
How about if the urge is getting really bad, like it may around closer to the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas...I will post here and you can talk me out of it. If this goes on much longer and Christmas rolls around, I will really be getting antsy and sad cuz my 3yr old is gonna be SO FUN this Christmas...and so will the 17mo old. But, big son LOVES the 3yr old so much......and he might just miss out AGAIN like he did last yr when he was at the dad's for that 10mo period......
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Beth...
Remember, your son did this, not you. Stop feeling guilty, mom!
Beth
