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Old 06-27-2013, 01:25 PM
 
4 posts, read 6,722 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945 View Post
The worst thing you can do in raising a child is to have one parent say one thing and the other parent say something 180 degrees different. It confuses the child and they tend to " work" the weaker parent for all it is worth.

My Dad was very strict and my Mom was very weak. Her weakness came out of her love for me, but she really sent me mixed messages. My Dad would punish me for something and then my Mom would sneak to my room and tell me she was sorry he did that and that what I did wasn't all that bad. Consequently, I was not a very good kid..........I exploited my Mom for everything I could get out of her, and when he died she had to raise me on her own. She then realized I was out of control and it was too late because she had no power over me. I put the poor woman through hell.

My wife and I always were a team when we were raising our kids. If she thought I was too harsh she waited until we were alone to discuss it. Sometimes she was right and I saw her side, and sometimes I was right and she saw my point of view. But the kids never got mixed messages.

Yes, you and your Husband have to come to an agreement on how to raise them, but do it without the kids being privy to your conversation. Believe me, they see and hear everything and are smart. If they think there is a weak link in the chain they are going to use it to their advantage.

Don

Don that was honestly just what I needed to hear. First of all, let me say I'm sorry about your dad passing, and thank you for sharing your story with me. I can identify with how you described your mother as being weak out of love, although I don't go to that extreme. I do believe I have let him get away with things in the past, though, because I didn't want to see him upset. I am doing a lot better with that though, and will continue to work on it. My son was a bit out of control when his dad was deployed so I know I have to fix it now or else we will be in for trouble when he deploys again. My husband and I have also come a long way because we used to debate on punishment in front of him, but rarely do it anymore. I'm going to remember this story though, and make sure I remember your advice.
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Old 06-27-2013, 01:56 PM
 
14,780 posts, read 43,551,111 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 919heatherg View Post
Don that was honestly just what I needed to hear. First of all, let me say I'm sorry about your dad passing, and thank you for sharing your story with me. I can identify with how you described your mother as being weak out of love, although I don't go to that extreme. I do believe I have let him get away with things in the past, though, because I didn't want to see him upset. I am doing a lot better with that though, and will continue to work on it. My son was a bit out of control when his dad was deployed so I know I have to fix it now or else we will be in for trouble when he deploys again. My husband and I have also come a long way because we used to debate on punishment in front of him, but rarely do it anymore. I'm going to remember this story though, and make sure I remember your advice.
The first step has nothing to do with your son and everything to do with your relationship with your husband. I will venture out on a limb and assume that discipline isn't the only thing you argue over. I'm not saying you have a bad marriage or that you don't love each other...just that you might have a bit of a communication problem. If that sounds like it might be the case, then that is where you need to start. There are a plethora of tips, tricks, advice and seminars for this, but it can be as easy as simply blocking out some time once or twice a week to talk to each other and work on listening.

When it comes to discipline the first thing you should do is each lay out your reasoning for why it is you have the view you do. Write it down, discuss it in a calm way. Listen and respect each others views and opinions. There's that communication thing again. From there you should each try to understand the other persons perspective, repeat what you HEARD them say. Then find pieces from each approach that you think are good.

The next step is to come up with household rules. These are the basic things you expect your son to abide by. It can be a simple list like this...

1. No cursing in the house.
2. Pick up your toys when you are done playing.
3. No ball playing in the house.
4. Take out the trash.
5. No lieing.
6. No stealing.
7. etc., etc., you get the idea.

Then you and your husband should decide what the appropriate consequence is for not following these rules. Given that your son is 8, you should post these rules in a common area and also make him aware of what the punishment will be. BINGO, you've covered 95% of your discipline problems in one fell swoop. Your son knows what the rules are and what the consequences are. You and your husband have agreed to what the consequences are ahead of time. You are now presenting a united front with no need to discuss anything in front of him. Consequences are the same when he's home with dad and when he's home with mom.

You and your husband could then agree on a strategy with how to deal with things that you haven't pre-defined. Things like, really bad report card, starting a fight, etc. You know, the big events that need to have some sort of discipline associated with them. A good idea there might be the old "you need to go to your room and wait until your father and I come talk to you". That buys you and your husband time to privately talk about what happened and reach agreement on the discipline.

Right now, I think some of the things your son is doing is a result of you and your husband not being on the same page. He thinks he can "divide and conquer" because he can. Get on the same page, agree on an approach that works for BOTH of you and stick to it.
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:25 PM
 
6,448 posts, read 7,750,234 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HeatherLynn822 View Post
I think in general, the best punishments are the ones that "fit the crime" rather than just have a blanket time out / grounding consequence. So for playing ball in the house, maybe lose the ball for a weekend. Explain why the consequence is being implemented, and then when it's time to give him his ball back, have HIM explain why it was lost and what he can do to prevent it being taken away again.
Wow, I can't believe what I'm about to say but...I completely agree with this. And I'll add some things.

You and your husband ought to work towards how to discipline and come to an agreement that you both follow trough on. It isn't good for one soft position and one hard postion - that is not consistent and if there is anything that confuses kids, it's a lack of consistency. If the kid is strong willed, he/she will keep testing until they get an answer they are satisfied with. If it is incosistent, the testing won't stop.

It's not necessary to yell and be hard, and being soft isn't the answer either. The kid enjoys being able to get your husband to yell at him (even thoguht he gets in trouble). It gives him a sense of control and power. He also enjoys getting you two to dance with each other while he misbehaves. Yelling works in teh short term and gives people instant satifaction but it isn't the healthiest. And it doesn't develop respect.

My wife and I have a super strong willed kid. He's a hard one to raise. We started by reading parenting books and then talking about them. That helped us connect and decide how we wanted to parent. It also took away some of the pressure because it's easier to criticize the author rather than your SO. One of the very best books for us was Setting Limits With Your Strong Willed Child.

Best of luck.
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Colorado
4,306 posts, read 13,442,453 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G-fused View Post
The kid enjoys being able to get your husband to yell at him (even thoguht he gets in trouble). It gives him a sense of control and power.
I'm not sure I agree with this. I grew up in a household where I was constantly yelled and screamed at. Or watched people screaming at each other. What it created in me (admittedly I am only talking about my own experience here) was someone who either screamed and yelled back or ran from the room. What I learned was to avoid conflict of any kind. I can't imagine any child enjoys being verbally abused for any reason. And yes, it does destroy respect.
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Old 06-27-2013, 07:07 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
19,719 posts, read 16,746,205 times
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I can only speak from the male perspective as I am a guy and raised two Sons (I imagine raising girls has it's own issues). Boys respond to one thing, strength. They are going to test you as much as they can, it is in the male genes. When I was a kid I obeyed mainly because of the consequences if I didn't. When my Dad was no longer around I went totally out of control and used my Mom for everything I could get.

May not be a popular opinion, but that is my experience anyway.

Don
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Old 06-28-2013, 06:20 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,146,944 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945 View Post
I can only speak from the male perspective as I am a guy and raised two Sons (I imagine raising girls has it's own issues). Boys respond to one thing, strength. They are going to test you as much as they can, it is in the male genes. When I was a kid I obeyed mainly because of the consequences if I didn't. When my Dad was no longer around I went totally out of control and used my Mom for everything I could get.

May not be a popular opinion, but that is my experience anyway.

Don
This is why obedience is such a **** poor goal.
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Old 07-17-2013, 01:53 PM
 
2,156 posts, read 3,322,486 times
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I don't have any kids but I took over parental rights for my youngest sister when I was still in college. In the early 1990s, she went from a straight A student to being a rebellious young teen. She ran away often, sneak out all night, skip schools, hung out with gang members, do drugs, drink and nothing they do can stop her. She just won't listen to them at all.

My parents thought it was time for a new set of eyes and I volunteer to take my sister in. The first time, she stepped out of line by ditching school, I grounded her for a year. Few months later, she was caught smoking pot, I grounded her another year. Two offenses and two years grounded. She quickly realize I wasn't kidding. And if you are wondering if she served her TWO YEARS being grounded...YES, she did!! Those two years grounded were the toughest years of her life. LMAO.
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Old 07-17-2013, 03:53 PM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,531,356 times
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I am very tough on some things, very lax on others. For me it was choose which battles, bedtime , food and dinner, hair and clothes, weren't battles I chose.
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Old 07-17-2013, 04:47 PM
 
11,642 posts, read 23,843,831 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 919heatherg View Post
My husband and I have completely different parenting styles. We rarely agree on how to discipline our son and it often leads to fights. The question is, how can I tell if he is being too tough or if I'm just being too much of a softie? Of course I've given it a lot of thought and really feel like he is being too tough but my husband has done the same and feels like its my fault. I don't like confrontation and he loves to debate so it makes coming to an agreement difficult. I feel like I've tried to see his point of view and back him up, especially because he was disciplined strictly as a kid and I never really was disciplined much at all, so I feel like I can learn some things from him. The problem is, he is so tough that if I completely adopt his ways, I feel like I will only see the negative in our son, and that's not the way I work. I believe that there is good in every child, and that should be encouraged and praised. I hope I've described my situation enough for everyone to understand. Its much more complicated than I could describe in a paragraph.
The word discipline is rooted in the Latin word disciplina which means training, or teaching. It does not mean punishment. What you need is not a tough vs. softie approach to discipline but rather a box full of tools that will teach your son to behave as he grows up.

If all you want to do is control your child's behavior now punishment works. If you want to teach him to control himself as he grow up you need more than just punishment. If he wants to watch tv but you want him to clean up his toys you can say "When you clean up your toys you may watch tv." Then you need to stick with it. You may need to repeat yourself. He may not respond positively the first time. It takes time but when a child is raised this way it becomes second nature.

There are many books and websites that deal with positive discipline. Much of positive discipline is not about punishment but rather avoiding the requirement of punishment. Punishment has its place but it is much more effective if used sparingly.
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Old 07-17-2013, 05:57 PM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,146,944 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
The word discipline is rooted in the Latin word disciplina which means training, or teaching. It does not mean punishment. What you need is not a tough vs. softie approach to discipline but rather a box full of tools that will teach your son to behave as he grows up.

If all you want to do is control your child's behavior now punishment works. If you want to teach him to control himself as he grow up you need more than just punishment. If he wants to watch tv but you want him to clean up his toys you can say "When you clean up your toys you may watch tv." Then you need to stick with it. You may need to repeat yourself. He may not respond positively the first time. It takes time but when a child is raised this way it becomes second nature.

There are many books and websites that deal with positive discipline. Much of positive discipline is not about punishment but rather avoiding the requirement of punishment. Punishment has its place but it is much more effective if used sparingly.
I love Momma Bear!
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