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I agree that most of us did stupid things as kids. However, my parents basic rule was, "if you are going to do something stupid, make sure you are the only one involved."
And the second you get behind the wheel and drive DUI, you are impacting other people.
I drank a lot in college, but did not have a car. I drank with groups of friends, who were all within walking distance (on campus, or just off campus). One summer home from college, I drank too much at a party. I called my parents to come get me. I received no lecture, as I elected to not drive their car. I did not endanger anyone and did not risk having their car impounded.
Your kid isn't bad, but he made a really, really bad choice. He needs to understand how dangerous his choice was. In addition, he could have left you without a car and with $10,000 in legal bills.
Now I see why he did not get a DUI. 0.02 is not drunk driving. It starts at 0.08. At least according to Wiki. However it also says most states have a mandatory suspension for anyone under 21 with any detectable BAL.
I wonder if that means the police lied to us when they said they gave him a break. Maybe they could have cited him with something that would resulted in an immediate suspension, that is not clear, but apparently it would not be DUI.
No, it would be a DUI as he is under 21 and had detectable alcohol in his bloodstream. The .08 law is for anyone 21 and over.
This. No one is advocating the boy should be shipped to Siberia for a decade. However, many are trying to convey to you that you need to take this seriously, not try to find some sort of "out" because you can't stand the idea of facing what he did. The more responses you type, the more this seems to be about you and your history at his age, rather than him.
Allowing him to keep driving the car, allowing him to stay out until 3 AM, and thinking him missing some sports trip to Canada is so awful you can't even consider it is, IMHO, foolhardy. This could've had lifelong consequences, and you're focused on sports? Really?
Well the OP did say that he would have an 8PM curfew. So his days of staying out late are numbered.
I think you underestimate the importance that athletics plays in the life of student athlete. Sports are often the reason that a student maintains focus on academics. The OP has already pointed out all of the positive effects that sports has had on his son's life. I don't think that it is poor parenting to make sure that he can continue participating in something that has impacted his life positively.
Drinking was really a problem in my kid's high school. So, I had a deal with my kids, they were to call me to come pick them up if they ever drank. I would not ask questions, nor would I punish. And yes, I got a couple of calls (luckily not many).
Interesting perspective. I see "personalized advice". (People pay big money for personalized advice. It's available here for.... free.)
You've posted many details about your family on many threads. You received specific advice based on that. I think people need to get at the ROOT causes of their problems. I can speak only for myself but that's why I told you what I did. You can choose to appreciate that or you can feel you are being attacked and accept only the advice of people who are telling you what you want to hear. (That's obvious.) You can also continue to make excuses for your son.
Both apply a band-aid to the problem and do nothing to solve it.
Last edited by Jaded; 07-31-2013 at 11:19 PM..
Reason: Removed orphaned/deleted quote.
Looking to see what laws other countries have I learned something.
Now I see why he did not get a DUI. 0.02 is not drunk driving. It starts at 0.08. At least according to Wiki. However it also says most states have a mandatory suspension for anyone under 21 with any detectable BAL.
I wonder if that means the police lied to us when they said they gave him a break. Maybe they could have cited him with something that would resulted in an immediate suspension, that is not clear, but apparently it would not be DUI.
In Germany he woudl get a 250 euro fine, not a suspension. Here it appears they are likely to automatically suspend his license (maybe that is what can be negotiated with the prosecutor). In the case of Germany - our laws are more strict. At least for youngsters. I did not read beyond that. I did see China has very strict laws, but nothing for 0.02. Apparently he would not even be in trouble there.
I did not realize how low 0.02 is. I wonder if cough syrup would give oyu that level.
Honestly, I don't get how the cops let him off. The under 21 thing is serious, and MOST states take it very seriously.
Your comments about drunk driving -- not every driver who drinks goes 100 mph on the sidewalk, and all that... let's remember that no matter how much or how little he drank...HE BROKE THE LAW.
That in itself is something to take very seriously. There are rules to follow to be a productive member of society, and breaking them has consequences. I don't understand why anyone would want to minimize this.
While it is a seriously dangerous thing to do, some people do not seem to understand all driving is dangerous and can result in deaths. Driving after drinking is somewhat more dangerous, to extremely more dangerous depending on the level of drinking. It is not a guaranteed accident. Every driver who had drinks is not swerving all over the place, driving 100 mph or driving on the sidewalk (unless they are really toasted). Their reactions are slowed and their judgment is somewhat impaired. Some drunk people know they are impaired and drive more carefully than normal. While there is a slightly greater chance of causing an accident while slightly drunk, it is not a guaranteed result. It is still the same risk as driving normally, just a different degree. The horror stories we all hear about involve seriously drunk people.
Slow down there, thunder. I think we have a touch of denial going on.
Everything we do as human beings involve some degree of risk. Of course there is no guarantee that an accident will ensue. We once witnessed a man so hammered that he was driving his motorcycle in the oncoming traffic lane of a 2 lane highway. It was nothing but luck that got him home alive.
But if we look at a risk benefit analysis of the driving while impaired at all vs not, I don't see how there is ANY benefit that accounts for that risk. Since we agree that driving is ALREADY dangerous, then it stands to reason that more dangerous is not a great idea. And for what? so you can go out and party with your friends? How many teenagers have enough experience to know "how drunk" they are and to what degree that will impair their driving? Who wants to even go there?
The point is not to berate and harangue your child. This is not about whether or not he is a good kid. And it is not about being an indictment on whether you are a good parent. There is a message here that he is likley not getting since you seem to want to protect him from it.
It seems clear that he gets some of the possible consequences to him. It can affect his athletics, his friendships... He needs to understand the other risks that could change his and others' lives forever. ust because it does not ALWAYS happen, does not mean that he is somehow impervious to happening. And really, I am guessing you don't want it to happen TO HIM.
Quote:
He has agreed to attend a couple of AA meetings. We want him to hear first hand how much drinking can ruin your life. We have a friend in AA who will bring him along. I am told they really know how to scare some sense into kids. Drunk driving is really really bad, but I do not want him drinking at all. he has too much to lose.
I don't understand this. Why is he going to AA meetings? Is there some reason to suspect that he has an addiction issue?
You don't have to scare him. You make the crystal clear association between responsibility and privilege. He was clearly not responsible enough to drive. Therefore he has lost the privilege to do so. You discuss with him how he can demonstrate a clear understanding of the relationship between responsibility and privilege.
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