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Old 08-03-2013, 02:54 PM
 
Location: So Cal
51,914 posts, read 52,318,517 times
Reputation: 52365

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Quote:
Originally Posted by nald View Post
Yep, I wanted to avoid baiting that the word "persistent" brings. So I edited it.
But yes, step-father and cuckold are never going to be the same, ever. Not even close. Two different universes.
You seem to be hung up on semantics... of course they aren't the same.. I get it... I was addressing the different behavior that the OP said because he was a step son.....The underlying point of my argument was that if the husband knew it wasn't his kid, he may treat the child poorly.... not always but maybe.. and that parallels to the OP and how even though he "knew" before hand he wasn't dad... he was still treated a little differently....

 
Old 08-03-2013, 02:55 PM
 
491 posts, read 567,893 times
Reputation: 180
Notice the shaming language. "What about the child?" Indeed, what about the child? It's not my responsibility. Let the biological father man-up and take care of them. I do feel bad for the victims. Both of them. Both are going to suffer because of the mom. After you find out it isn't yours just run away after you handle all of your court issues, but just remember if you've been caring for the child all these years the courts STILL my force you to pay child support because 'that's what the child is accustomed to'.

When you work for a company and they fire you are they expected to keep paying because 'you are used to getting paid'? Sexist family courts. Gotta love it.
 
Old 08-03-2013, 02:55 PM
 
Location: So Cal
51,914 posts, read 52,318,517 times
Reputation: 52365
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
I suppose it depends on how old the child is, and the circumstances under which the child was conceived.

But in order of importance, I'd say priority should be given to the best interests of:

The Child
The Man
The Woman
This is my exact opinion too......
 
Old 08-03-2013, 02:57 PM
 
Location: Tampa (by way of Omaha)
14,561 posts, read 22,975,050 times
Reputation: 10355
Quote:
Originally Posted by LBomb View Post
but just remember if you've been caring for the child all these years the courts STILL my force you to pay child support because 'that's what the child is accustomed to'.

When you work for a company and they fire you are they expected to keep paying because 'you are used to getting paid'? Sexist family courts. Gotta love it.
Again, this is a complicated legal issue that varies by state (and frankly, the case law is still being sorted out in most areas) but the general rule of thumb is that if a man continues to care for and support a child after he knows or reasonably should have known that the child was not biologically his, then he can be forced to continue financial support.
 
Old 08-03-2013, 02:57 PM
 
1,341 posts, read 1,620,206 times
Reputation: 1166
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
I've heard horror stories, let me tell you..... You guys hammered me pretty good and I think you missed my main points..... you're just seeing it thru the eyes of the husband....

As a man, yes to find out you're wife cheated on you and now you have another mans kid.... trust me I get it... I'm not living in friggin fantasy land.....

The law makes it the husbands responsibility because the state doesn't want to have to pick up the tab for raising the kid... plain simple... not a difficult thing to understand there... and hell yeah, I would be upset.... I'm all about making sure some innocent child doesn't have to pay the bill for the moms mistakes...... that is my only point... do you, as I've said before... do you look a little girl in the face, one you thought was your own for yrs and yrs and do you look her in the face and tell her you're not "daddy".... and she has to go away to some other "stranger" that was the sperm donor.........
I argue that the child is also the victim. Perpetrators will get away with it. Main victim is the cuckold. A possible victim could also be the other guy who never knew that his biological child may cuckold someone else and they would be willing to raise their biological child.

General perpetrator is the mother, in every option. She should have knew this could happen if she slept with more people during the same menstrual cycle and she deliberately kept her mouth shut at her own convenience. Another very possible accomplice is the other guy who suspected that the child is arguably his own, based on the birth date or something, but he kept his mouth shut.

My point is that this thing shouldn't even be allowed to happen legally and there is an easy way to deal with it, but it remains elusive for most people due to legislation and shaming involved with paternity testing that goes hand-in-hand. Since nobody will care if the guy gets cuckolded, he should take care of himself. That's called responsible behavior. Unfortunately, responsible behavior also tells you to break the law, luckily the sites will offer no-fault solution where you'll not be held accountable and will be breaking the law in the same way the politicians do it - by doing it "legally" and without any sanctions or anyone knowing.
 
Old 08-03-2013, 03:00 PM
 
491 posts, read 567,893 times
Reputation: 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
I've heard horror stories, let me tell you..... You guys hammered me pretty good and I think you missed my main points..... you're just seeing it thru the eyes of the husband....

As a man, yes to find out you're wife cheated on you and now you have another mans kid.... trust me I get it... I'm not living in friggin fantasy land.....

The law makes it the husbands responsibility because the state doesn't want to have to pick up the tab for raising the kid... plain simple... not a difficult thing to understand there... and hell yeah, I would be upset.... I'm all about making sure some innocent child doesn't have to pay the bill for the moms mistakes...... that is my only point... do you, as I've said before... do you look a little girl in the face, one you thought was your own for yrs and yrs and do you look her in the face and tell her you're not "daddy".... and she has to go away to some other "stranger" that was the sperm donor.........
And your question was answered. Directly by me and indirectly by others. I see it through both eyes especially the child's since I was a step child. Also the stranger is the real father. The mom lied. Yes, I'll look her in the face and explain everything I'm going to do. Why? Because I hope she will grow up and NOT be like her mother. Be better than her mother. Isn't that what any 'parent' wants for their kids? To be better than them? It would be my final gift to her: be responsible for your actions and don't put you're own children through this.
 
Old 08-03-2013, 03:03 PM
 
Location: So Cal
51,914 posts, read 52,318,517 times
Reputation: 52365
Quote:
Originally Posted by nald View Post
I argue that the child is also the victim. Perpetrators will get away with it. Main victim is the cuckold. A possible victim could also be the other guy who never knew that his biological child may cuckold someone else and they would be willing to raise their biological child.

General perpetrator is the mother, in every option. She should have knew this could happen if she slept with more people during the same menstrual cycle and she deliberately kept her mouth shut at her own convenience. Another very possible accomplice is the other guy who suspected that the child is arguably his own, based on the birth date or something, but he kept his mouth shut.

My point is that this thing shouldn't even be allowed to happen legally and there is an easy way to deal with it, but it remains elusive for most people due to legislation and shaming involved with paternity testing that goes hand-in-hand. Since nobody will care if the guy gets cuckolded, he should take care of himself. That's called responsible behavior. Unfortunately, responsible behavior also tells you to break the law, luckily the sites will offer no-fault solution where you'll not be held accountable and will be breaking the law in the same way the politicians do it - by doing it "legally" and without any sanctions or anyone knowing.
Yeah... I hear ya..... still didn't answer my question about dealing with the end results..... long long after the kid is here and nothing can be done about it...you gonna dump the kid off on someone, even though you have had a bond with her??? You Nald personally, would you do that???

You can rattle of legal mumbo jumbo and I get that... truly... but again... end result little girl thinks you're dad.... do you dump her..

Answer that part and don't redirect to some other portion of the argument.......
 
Old 08-03-2013, 03:04 PM
 
12,535 posts, read 15,154,564 times
Reputation: 29087
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheHurricaneKid View Post
Carry on as if nothing happened?
Confront the mother for adultery?
Keep the child out of the affair?

Should the man be allowed to walk out without being legally responsible? Cause that ain't how it works in many states.

One thing for sure, as a step-child I sure got treated differently than my half-sibling, even if the man knew what he was getting into. Is it fair for me to criticize my former legal guardian for this or is this behavior something to be expected?

Seems to me there are two different thoughts here.

For the first--if a man later on finds out that a child he thought was his is not--he should react with as much compassion as possible for the child.

There was a thread on here a while back about how some guy in the UK sued his wife of many years when he found out his teenage kids weren't his. It was a heated thread and it was eventually locked, but I felt really bad for the kids because he pretty much disowned them. After 16, 18 years, you'd think the man would have borne some love for them and enough compassion and common sense not to hold their mother's deceit against them, but he was more hellbent on revenge against his ex instead.

As for step-children, that all depends on the kind of people the parents are. One of my sisters is remarried and she loves her step-daughter as though the girl sprang from her own loins. Likewise, throughout the years, when my sisters dated men who were widowed or divorced and had kids, my parents made an all-out effort to make the kids comfortable and feel like they were part of the family when they came to visit during the holidays, etc.

I'm fond of saying that it takes more than shared DNA to make a family. That goes both ways. You either have the love and willingness to form a parent-child bond with someone or you don't.
 
Old 08-03-2013, 03:09 PM
 
1,341 posts, read 1,620,206 times
Reputation: 1166
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
This is my exact opinion too......
I don't agree on that. If you find out that your wife cuckolded you and made you think the child if yours though the pregnancy and you do the test to find out it isn't.... you're out of there.
If you find out after a year and you have a legal option to walk away because the state allows you... you're out of there.

Child's best interest is to have the biological parent with him, unless he's an idiot unfit to be the parent.
Mother should be jailed and fined to pay for the damages done towards the other guy (check out multi-million dollar lawsuits that people won in case of accidental mistake when switching the children, on account of emotional damages/distress, alienation from their biological child, time, money and energy invested, etc).

Guy may think differently if he gets stuck for 20 years and finds out when he can't change it, mainly if he manages to go over such life-destructive discovery. He may want to remain in contact with the children if he was with them through all those years, and he has no reasonable option anyways since damage is already done, law doesn't allow him to opt out anyways, etc. But he'll never be in the same realm like any other parent or step-parent, and children will feel terrible for it, even if the father manages to "suck it up". I know the case which I elaborated in previous thread about the guy I know with TWO children that he found out weren't his own. He is on great terms and likes them, but they are feeling terrible for it and for him. They are all victims and this should have never even happened. And laws should have treated it differently. This way law punishes the victim(s) even further and rewards the perpetrator(s).
 
Old 08-03-2013, 03:12 PM
 
6,732 posts, read 9,962,920 times
Reputation: 6848
Normal, emotionally healthy adults bond deeply to children they spend a lot of time with and are in role of responsibility with. This is not affected by genetics. Adoptive parents don't love their kids any less.

This is an internet phenomenon perpetuated mainly by guys who have never been around kids and by self-confessed spousal abusers, IME.
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