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I was on my own at 16 as well and my own experiences are what motivate me to guide her. That and I'm watching parents of successful teens and young adults operate themselves. For me it's my extended in-laws. Anyhow, I want my experience to be a resource for her to tap (life is too short to waste precious moments and that's what I did the first few years out). And it's not only about doling out rules, but how I intend to raise her. I am hoping she will be too busy preparing for college, or whatever endeavor, and having a life full of activitiy over having to work full time to support herself. I see no reason for a 16 year old to be bothered with the responsibilities of a sexual relationship when she and her partner are still growing into adults. There are better things they could be doing IMO.
If you were on your own at 16 then surely you understand the need for a 16 year old to be independent and confident enough to make their own choices by that age. You can't just control the decisions of a teenager and then let them out into the world on their own.
There is a place between making decisions for her and helping her make the right decisions. It is not just a question of one vs. the other. I believe that finding that place and gradually working into it are critically important for parents of teens/young adults. Most life lessons are hard learned. I woudl prefer to share what I learned the hard way and help my kids avoid some of it than throw them out on their own with no guidance and no experience and just hope they figure out how to swim.
Here it is not that common I think for an 18 year old to get dumped form high school (which is a very immature atmosphere) right into living as an adult entirely on their own. Frankly many college graduates are not ready for life without guidance and support. Some do it, and they learn hard, usually through making a lot of really bad decisions.
Giving advice and opinions are the way to help a teenager make the right decisions, absolutely nothing wrong with that. I just disagree with a parenting thinking they have veto power over who their daughter dates.
Here it sometime happens that a 16 year old (the age of starting high school) will choose a high school too far away from home to commute and so they will live away from their parents. Its pretty hard to control their decisions when they don't live with you so you need to know that they have the ability to make those decisions before then which means you have to give them the chance.
I am talking up to the end of high school. we do not allow our kids to see rated R movies at the theatre or in our home. The fact is we can and many times have, pre purchase the tickets anyway for our kids. Dating age in our home is 16 when it is group dating and no BF GF dating. They do not need a steady BF or GF at that age. When they are 18 that will change I am sure. Still we would hope for that respect especially if they are in our home.
Driving in California has changed with teen drivers. You can get your license when you are 16 but can not drive with other teens in the car for at least a year I think. Many teens in California forgo getting a drivers license till they turn 18 because or the restrictions placed on them. These are restrictions that the state places on them and not the parents.
So you think at 18 they can magically know how to handle dating situations?
You realize they will likely be going away to college at that point, right? So now you expect them to manage college, adjusting to life on their own, and learning how to date without being able to have mom/dad there to monitor learning the "healthy" way to date?
I am all for discouraging dating and did not let any of mine date before 16 either. That being said, I encouraged them to date in a safe situation at that point because I was there everyday to monitor the situation. Whether 16 or 18 a teen is likely to need help learning to set boundaries (not just on their bodies, ugh) but on their time and other relationships. If you wait until they are 18 they have no time to practice. Silly at best.
Especially when it comes to sex. While rape is of course bad, I've heard some parents, fathers especially, for some reason, why say they would kill someone if they raped their daughter. I sort of understand the rage etc they would feel, but how is it right or justifiable to murder someone for rape? Or not even rape, but consensual sex. Or phrases like 'i'll break your leg if you break her heart' (even if metaphorical) that are supposed to sound all family-orientated and noble. To me it just makes them sound like violent jerks.
It seems most people would applaud or encourage such thinking and behaviour, which makes me cynical about human nature in general.
Sorry but if anyone rapes my daughter OR son they better hope the police find them before I do. They'd be much safer in prison, I don't care if that makes me a barbaric savage. As for dating and consensual sex, I hope I will have raised them to be smart about it when the time comes. And I'm not one of those parents who is okay with locking up my daughter while my son gets to bang anyone he wants. Pregnancy is a life changing event for both people involved, not just one. Also, STDs don't just choose females.
If you were on your own at 16 then surely you understand the need for a 16 year old to be independent and confident enough to make their own choices by that age. You can't just control the decisions of a teenager and then let them out into the world on their own.
I think it was a mistake on my parents part. They thought I was mature and I thought I was mature. We were wrong in my case. Again, I want more for my daughter than what I did. At 16 years old in the US a kid can usually only get a crap job (loaded with issues in itself) and life becomes a matter of survival where other opportunity (college, experience, etc) is forfeited. At 16, if she's game, I will pay her a wage to volunteer at a charity/org of her choice. She can do internships, join clubs, whatever rather than work a crap job she doesn't like- if she could even get one. Add a boy to that mix and it gets beyond stupid.
When I was a kid, my parents didn't let me see any R rated movies. I can't tell you how many times they thought I was going to see a G rated movie...I'd be sure to read reviews of the movie I was pretending to see so I could tell them about it when I got home.
They also had strict rules about me dating. Unfortunately, they had to work during the day and I was always able to find time to see the people I wanted to see. My mom didn't think people could have sex in the daytime, so she thought as long as I didn't go anywhere in the evenings, I would remain a virgin until I got married.
I guess it is a good thing that my wife works nights and I work days then. Our kids are always with one of us. Also, buying the movie tickets for the kids helps ensure that they get to the right movie, don't you think? I am sure that they could sneak in to another movie but how often do you think that will happen?
So you think at 18 they can magically know how to handle dating situations?
You realize they will likely be going away to college at that point, right? So now you expect them to manage college, adjusting to life on their own, and learning how to date without being able to have mom/dad there to monitor learning the "healthy" way to date?
I am all for discouraging dating and did not let any of mine date before 16 either. That being said, I encouraged them to date in a safe situation at that point because I was there everyday to monitor the situation. Whether 16 or 18 a teen is likely to need help learning to set boundaries (not just on their bodies, ugh) but on their time and other relationships. If you wait until they are 18 they have no time to practice. Silly at best.
More so than at 16 don't you think? Also never said that they won't or don't date. Here is the deal and this is how I grew up as well, school dances and large group get togethers like at school or church lets say, our Church had large youth dances for kids 14 to 18 with plenty of adult supervision. Plenty of opportunities to get to know about social situations. In addition the kids have plenty of opportunities to interact on a regular basis in other social situations at church and school events. When a kid hits age 16 they can go on group dates, meaning lets say 2 or more couples in more or less a friends zone type of environment. At age 18 they can feel free to start dating on a more regular couple type basis. I don't see a problem with this. It has worked for generations and still works today. On top of that in my Church young men are encourageed to serve 2 year Missions for the church and this happens when they turn age 18. (Used to be age 19 for men and 21 for women. Now it is 18 for guys and 19 for girls.)
Especially when it comes to sex. While rape is of course bad, I've heard some parents, fathers especially, for some reason, why say they would kill someone if they raped their daughter. I sort of understand the rage etc they would feel, but how is it right or justifiable to murder someone for rape? Or not even rape, but consensual sex. Or phrases like 'i'll break your leg if you break her heart' (even if metaphorical) that are supposed to sound all family-orientated and noble. To me it just makes them sound like violent jerks.
It seems most people would applaud or encourage such thinking and behaviour, which makes me cynical about human nature in general.
I'm one of those crazy people that would wanna kill someone if they raped my daughter....but don't worry, you need not be cynical about human nature if you're not going around raping young women....consensual sex is different in my mind...especially if the lovers are both adults.
More so than at 16 don't you think? Also never said that they won't or don't date. Here is the deal and this is how I grew up as well, school dances and large group get togethers like at school or church lets say, our Church had large youth dances for kids 14 to 18 with plenty of adult supervision. Plenty of opportunities to get to know about social situations. In addition the kids have plenty of opportunities to interact on a regular basis in other social situations at church and school events. When a kid hits age 16 they can go on group dates, meaning lets say 2 or more couples in more or less a friends zone type of environment. At age 18 they can feel free to start dating on a more regular couple type basis. I don't see a problem with this. It has worked for generations and still works today. On top of that in my Church young men are encourageed to serve 2 year Missions for the church and this happens when they turn age 18. (Used to be age 19 for men and 21 for women. Now it is 18 for guys and 19 for girls.)
The thing is that kids don't need to date to go out. My 14 year old son doesn't date. But he does go out without my husband or I. He likes to go ice skating or bowling. He likes to see movies. A few of his friends live in communities with community pools and the boys like to go to the pool and swim and shoot baskets at the clubhouse.
Sometimes girls go with them. They aren't dating and it isn't usually an even number of couples. Even if it's not a "dating" situation it is important for kids of both genders to learn to socialize. Kids don't need to date to be exposed to social situations where the opposite sex is present. That is how they learn to act around boys (or girls), not by you keeping them away from each other.
More so than at 16 don't you think? Also never said that they won't or don't date. Here is the deal and this is how I grew up as well, school dances and large group get togethers like at school or church lets say, our Church had large youth dances for kids 14 to 18 with plenty of adult supervision. Plenty of opportunities to get to know about social situations. In addition the kids have plenty of opportunities to interact on a regular basis in other social situations at church and school events. When a kid hits age 16 they can go on group dates, meaning lets say 2 or more couples in more or less a friends zone type of environment. At age 18 they can feel free to start dating on a more regular couple type basis. I don't see a problem with this. It has worked for generations and still works today. On top of that in my Church young men are encourageed to serve 2 year Missions for the church and this happens when they turn age 18. (Used to be age 19 for men and 21 for women. Now it is 18 for guys and 19 for girls.)
And you completely ignored what I brought up, in this country and time period, the typically 18 yo, is AWAY AT COLLEGE. So you are expecting them to learn to date while learning to live on their own where you can give next to ZERO guidance. That was not the norm 20-30 years ago.
So unless you are planning on not allowing your child to go away to college, you are expecting them to learn to deal with dating, not group dates, real dating, at a time period they are learning literally everything else. Bad idea.
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