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Old 08-06-2013, 08:32 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
19,719 posts, read 16,775,153 times
Reputation: 41862

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You are starting to try to shape him about 19 years too late. This is why we keep saying Parents have to have control over their kids from a very young age and be totally involved with their upbringing. For you to try now to make him responsible is going to be very tough.

Don
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Old 08-06-2013, 08:38 PM
 
Location: In a cave
945 posts, read 966,169 times
Reputation: 721
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1 View Post
DS is 19 and just graduated this year. He was supposed to be attending an area community college this fall but decided he didn't want to go. His tuition would have been completely covered by financial aid. He works around 32 hours a week at a minimum wage job. He works nights (7pm-2 or 3 am) and sleeps until around 3pm, gets up and goes to hang out with friends then goes to work. That's basically it. On his days off sometimes he gets up early (9ish) and goes out and sometimes he sleeps until noon then goes out.

He doesn't seem to have any long term plans for his future. When I press him about it he says he's going to join the navy but he just stopped taking ADHD meds so he needs to wait until spring before they will even consider taking him. He's also talked about getting tattoos which I've warned him might mess up any chance to join the navy due to changing tattoo regulations. He doesn't seem concerned about that. I don't think he really wants to join the military at all but he just says that so I will stop asking him what he's going to do.

What can I do to motivate him or make him start planning for his future? He seems perfectly happy the way things are right now and I can see him being this way as long as he can. Should I start to charge him rent? He is supposed to be paying us back for the car we bought for him but he blows through his money as soon as he gets it. (BTW, the only reason we bought him the car is because of his work hours. I cannot pick him up at 3am when I need to go to work myself in the morning) We've already told him that he will be out of the house BY june 1 of next year. Is that too far off? He seems to think he has all the time in the world and is not concerned about how he's going to support himself. I've told him that he needs to get a second job if he's not going to school but he's not even trying to find anything. He basically just comes home to sleep or eat when he's run out of money.

Any HELPFUL suggestions without bashing?
So he is threatened with having no where to live, he is working a dead-end job and is being led by his friends and I am presuming is feeling more and more alienated by his parents. (playing devil's advocate)

Why does he even work a job at all if he isn't held financially responsible? Whatever he needs/uses that money for is motivating him enough to keep a job to pay for his 'entertainment'.

Whatever the fire is that keeps him working 3rd shift for peanuts is where I would start. I would talk to his friends, see if they are able to work with you to convince him to at least pickup a trade-skill, certification or perhaps a degree if desired part-time.

Creatures of habit react to change much better in incremental doses than massive lifestyle changes.

Tough love could work, but it could also backfire.
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Old 08-06-2013, 08:47 PM
 
Location: California
37,097 posts, read 42,098,467 times
Reputation: 34962
Just tell him he has to be going to school in order to keep living at home. That's basically the ONLY stipulation I put on my unmotivated son. I won't lie, it's been a long road, but he has always been a little behind the ball (by 1-2 years) in life so this wasn't a huge surprise for anyone. He didn't care at first, and I had to literally TELL him what classes to take, but his GPA improved every semester and he got his AA Degree and has now transferred to a 4 year university as a computer science major. Time was the motivator and at age 22 he is very anxious to make more than minimum wage, move out of "moms" house, and live a life with some privacy . OK, maybe GIRLS were a motivator too! It will take a little more time but now that he talks to me about his future plans and what he hopes for, I don't mind the wait.
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Old 08-06-2013, 08:53 PM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,565,345 times
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To me your son doesn't sound all that terrible for a 19 year old who has been on ADHD drugs. For one it might take some time to detoxify. He's working, he's not just laying around doing nothing.

Kids mature at different rates. It doesn't sound like yours is causing you a whole lot of trouble, but I would make him pay you back for the car since he's not in college. Even if he were in college, he could pay you back. He could pay some rent -- but if he's paying his own insurance, that looks like a pretty big chunk of his income.

It's up to you if you want him out of the house -- is there any way he can advance in his job? College isn't the only possibility. What kind of friends doesn't he have, is he drinking or doing things you don't approve of? I'm all for kicking a problem-child-adult out but a good enough kid who is just not quite hitting the floor running might be better off living with parents -- in my opinion, adulthood isn't necessarily right at age 18, it's more a range with 18 being on the young side for it, and 23 or so being the upper end.

I would tell him that you accept whatever career direction he might take, college is great but maybe he could consider a trade of some kind, or be promoted up in the line of work he's in. He may not be considering enough options.
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Old 08-06-2013, 11:42 PM
 
336 posts, read 376,685 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1 View Post
He pays for his own insurance, phone, gas, basically all of his own expenses that are not directly related to the house (utilities, food in the house, etc). There is really nothing I can cut him off from. His insurance is around $180 a month and we are charging him $250 a month for the car. He takes home around $940 from work after taxes so after paying us and insurance he should have around $510. I've told him he needs to pay us and insurance first then put some in savings but somehow the money is spent before he gets to us. I told him that when he gets his next check (he gets paid biweekly) he is to go directly to the bank and take out the $250 in cash for the car and put the rest in the bank. He was supposed to pay us on Aug. 1 but he only has $100 left in his account as of sunday and he got paid on friday.

This is his first real job so as far as he's concerned he thinks he's rich, haha. He doesn't realize how little he's really making compared to the real world costs. I've tried to explain how much it will cost for rent/utilities but he doesn't see it. He is one of those people who lives in the here and now and doesn't look at the future.
Be wary of anyone suggesting that you simply cut your son loose with no support. You should not do that unless you are prepared to end any relationship you have with your son (and his eventual wife/children) for the rest of your life. I have friends who haven't spoken to their parents in more than 15 years, because they were made to fend for themselves at 18 or 19. Some 18yos and 19yos can handle this. However, as noted by others, children mature at different rates, and forcing a young adult to fend for themselves can be a highly traumatizing experience if they are not sufficiently mature and/or prepared by their parents.

If you have the funds, I suggest you do what my parents did some 15 years ago. Give your son a choice. He can live at home only while he attends college. Make it clear well in advance that if he does not start college by X date, he must move out by Y date. But make it clear that you aren't throwing him out on the street. Help him find a low-cost studio apartment in a safe neighborhood, and agree to provide support for some period of time by paying a portion of the rent (especially in higher COLA areas). Do not pay all the rent, and do not contribute a sum that would allow him to live comfortably on his current income. Rather, pay just enough of the rent on that small studio apartment to allow him to live frugally. For the first 3-6 months (depending on his maturity level), you would provide additional support, such as helping with groceries, bringing over the occasional meal for him to reheat, etc., but you would provide less and less support with each passing month.

This will accomplish a few things. It will help your son to develop an appreciation for how much things cost. It will likely motivate him to find a career (and/or pursue an education) to obtain more disposable income to live comfortably. Most importantly, it would help your son to become more independent without the trauma of being left to fend for himself from day one. Also, keep the option open for him to move back home in the future if and only if he is enrolled in community college and attending a full semester of classes.
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Old 08-07-2013, 01:59 AM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,869 posts, read 16,280,653 times
Reputation: 29230
Deal with this now or his girlfriend and their baby will be living with you, too. Yes, I know more than one family that's happened to.
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Old 08-07-2013, 05:29 AM
 
Location: Long Neck,De
4,792 posts, read 8,169,841 times
Reputation: 4840
Through 2 marriages with kids and stepkids I've had a few kids in this age bracket. There is no hard fast apply to everyone answer. The one that I actually did have to kick out of the house later said it was a great thing. Made him wake up and assume responsibility.
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Old 08-07-2013, 06:30 AM
 
18,837 posts, read 37,281,021 times
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Set up automatic withdraw from his account, car payment, insurance, $300 a month rent.

Have set chores for him to do. Lawn, yard work, and schedule for this to be done.

Rules: no female friends overnight, no booze, no male friends past 10:00.

When my adult kids lived at home, I made it clear to them, that they were NOT adults, adults live in their OWN place. So, they had to live under the same rules they had in high school.

This worked well for me. Mine all moved out...I feel like we can enable adult kids to a level of failure. My sons were particularly motivated by not having females overnight.
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Old 08-07-2013, 06:54 AM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,420 posts, read 47,402,095 times
Reputation: 47694
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1 View Post
He pays for his own insurance, phone, gas, basically all of his own expenses that are not directly related to the house (utilities, food in the house, etc). There is really nothing I can cut him off from.
How about the car?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1 View Post
I've told him he needs to pay us and insurance first then put some in savings but somehow the money is spent before he gets to us.
Either go with him to the bank and get your cut, or set up an automatic withdrawal into your account.


Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1 View Post
I've tried to explain how much it will cost for rent/utilities but he doesn't see it. He is one of those people who lives in the here and now and doesn't look at the future.
Explaining is the same as preaching to a teen...
Have you sat down with him and worked out a budget?
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Old 08-07-2013, 07:07 AM
 
Location: The Triad
34,090 posts, read 82,716,942 times
Reputation: 43659
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamom1 View Post
DS is 19 and just graduated this year.
He was supposed to be attending an area community college this fall
He works around 32 hours a week at a minimum wage job.

What can I do to motivate him or make him start planning for his future?
Throw him into the deep end.

New rule: Effective on 9/1: Living at home (including paying rent and doing chores)
is a privilege that has to be earned by doing X and Y or Z.

Full time job with a future (apprentice program) or full time school at 3.0 GPA + PT job.
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