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You are considering rewarding your son because he managed to get out the door in time. Go for it. That's the beauty of a free country. You get to do that. He could be a great kid.... but he isn't doing what he needs to do and what you've done so far hasn't worked. I believe children should be raised to cope (and excel) in the real world. No boss I ever had rewarded me for getting my butt to work on time but, who knows? Maybe they're out there and maybe your son will find the woman who says, "You're here! Congratulations. Here's a cookie."
DewDropInn is correct.
No one in the Universe is going to reward you for being on time. You get a paycheck for doing your job. You're EXPECTED to be on time. If you're not, you're out.
There are consequences for continual tardiness. There's no need for the OP to do anything but let the kid experience what those are.
Natural consequences should be used whenever possible, so, an earlier bedtime would be in order whenever he doesn't meet his timelines in the morning. Even if it's a Friday night. And an earlier wake up.
There is no reason to yell or nag at kid at that age or any. However, you both have to hold him to the expectations you put in place.
Kid's will test the boundary's until they are enforced, and then again from time to time to see if they still exist. You must be consistent and enforce the "natural" consequences.
Good Luck, it takes awhile until they figure out you mean it, but kids are smarter then we give them credit when it comes to their behaviors. It is serving a purpose.
No one in the Universe is going to reward you for being on time. You get a paycheck for doing your job. You're EXPECTED to be on time. If you're not, you're out.
There are consequences for continual tardiness. There's no need for the OP to do anything but let the kid experience what those are. Better now than when you lose your first job.
I partially agree with this in theory, but then I think we have to keep in mind that 12-year-olds are not yet fully formed adults and (depending on the maturity level of the individual kid) may still need some guidance. For instance, I think most of us would agree a 3-year-old may need a rudimentary reward/consequence system for making quite a few tasks routine. And that to do the same with an 18-year-old would be ridiculous.
So somewhere in the middle is probably still appropriate here. I wouldn't expect the OP to need to institute something like that on every single thing he wants his son to do, but he said he's overall a great kid and is just having this one specific issue. So perhaps 30 minutes of video game time (harmless, free) provides a little more motivation in the mornings and then the habit of moving faster gets ingrained.
So, does your boss slip you a twenty when you're leaving work because you did what you were supposed to do?
Firstly, we are talking about a child, not an adult. Secondly, we are talking about a family member, not an employee. And thirdly, employees do get bonuses/raises/promotions for doing a good job on their assigned tasks.
No one in the Universe is going to reward you for being on time. You get a paycheck for doing your job. You're EXPECTED to be on time. If you're not, you're out.
There are consequences for continual tardiness. There's no need for the OP to do anything but let the kid experience what those are.
Better now than when you lose your first job.
That's true, but this kid is twelve. Twelve year olds still have plenty of time in their lives before they are navigating the adult world on their own, and as parents it is our job to guide them toward what is expected. I think sometimes we expect our kids to act like mini-adults and forget that they're still learning!
Now, if this were a 17 year old, yeah, I'd agree. But it's really not appropriate to compare a 12 year old, who is still learning about all the expectations of the world, to an adult who has had many more years to figure this stuff out.
That's true, but this kid is twelve. Twelve year olds still have plenty of time in their lives before they are navigating the adult world on their own, and as parents it is our job to guide them toward what is expected. I think sometimes we expect our kids to act like mini-adults and forget that they're still learning!
Now, if this were a 17 year old, yeah, I'd agree. But it's really not appropriate to compare a 12 year old, who is still learning about all the expectations of the world, to an adult who has had many more years to figure this stuff out.
I agree with you, under most circumstances.
But we're talking about a mother at her wit's end, nagging her kid to do something that at the age of nearly thirteen he needs to be able to handle. Because the school, which he already has been attending for seven years now, expects him to be on time. Just like a job.
The problem I see here is that he doesn't get a move on because no one has allowed him to feel the repercussions of dawdling. I see a real issue in rewarding a kid to do something that just about every person has to do day in and day out - which is get their butt out the door on time in the morning. If all the cajoling in the world hasn't worked, then rewards aren't going to work either. Not to memtion they set a horrible precedence. But actually having to cope with the consequences might. And for now, the consequences are pretty mild, but the pay off for the whole family is huge.
Imagine how much better it will be or everyone if the lad takes responsibility for himself in the morning, and mom and dad no longer have that stress?
By that age there's no reason at all why the parents should be looking for rewards and consequences. They already exist, use them.
It is a process to get them to the goals you set, however along the way you have to adjust the goals to fit the child.
We begin with the understanding early on that the goals that must be met at all costs are getting to school on time, fully dressed.
Anything other than that may/will need to be adjusted, deleted or compromised.
If a shower in the morning can't be accomplished in a timely manner, then it will be the night before....too bad for your bad hair day. End of discussion.
If breakfast is a long drawn out affair, then it gets changed to something quick and easy. Dry cereal in the car on the way.
If the caring for the dogs in the morning cannot be managed, then the it switches to afternoon and evening care. We'd rather you go to bed 5-10 minutes late than be late to school. Mom can handle it in the morning.
If scooping the litter box is an absolute must be done twice a day, then he can do it right after school and again at night right before bed. Again, mom can handle it in the morning if it cannot be skipped. (We only have 1 cat, but we don't even have the need to scoop it everyday-maybe you can find a better litter or better cat food?)
Now, if he gets his shower, dressed and eats and is late to school, then he simply suffers the natural consequences. Here 3 tardies equal an absence and 3 absences get a detention.
TV in my house was no issue for my 1st(grown daughter), had to be eliminated for my 2nd (grown daughter), no issue for my 3rd (15 yr old daughter) and delayed for my 4th (10 yr old son)
Bathing was evening for 1st, morning for second once she hit high school, evening for 3rd and morning for 4th as of last year.
Eating was not a priority for 1st, a must for 2nd before anything else especially getting dressed, a must for 3rd but she has managed it all on her own since she was 8, and not a priority for 4th most days who also handles it on his own.
Getting dressed was a chore for 1st, had to be picked out night before, for 2nd it often became a battle no matter what so a limit to choices was mandatory and that all changed by middle school thankfully, for 3rd she doesn't care what she wears so getting dressed has never been an issue, with the 4th showering in the morning solved the taking too long to get dressed as he is fully awake after a shower. (now if I could get him to use deodorant without reminder!)
Now....shoes seemed to be the consistent issue for all of them. So slip-ons until they could handle them in a timely manner became the norm and eliminated any and all frustrations! Shoes are always put in the same place so there is rarely an issue with not finding them.
Bottom line, it's all about adjusting your expectations to meet the pace of each individual child. The more that is expected of a slow moving child, the more stress and frustration there will be. Taking the consequences off your shoulders and putting them on the child also removes stress and frustration.
My son started 7th grade, he will be 13 in November.
For as long as we can remember, he has never been in any sort of hurry in the morning.
She doesn't like to yell at him and keep on him in the morning.
What do other parents do to get their young ones motivated to get ready in the morning?
We wake him up at 6 (6:30 at the latest), and he needs to leave the house by 7:30 to get to school on time.
Here is what he needs to do in the morning:
-feed dogs and let them outside. The night before he puts the food in the dog bowls and leaves them in the garage. So all he needs to do is grab the bowls and set them down. Once they eat, he just has to open the kitchen door and they go outside on their own.
-take a shower. I know that this can be done at night to save time, but his hair will look greasy if he showers the night before. It is best for him to shower in the morning.
-scoop the litter box. This is done twice daily, so we aren't talking like a lot of stuff to scoop
-eat breakfast. my wife makes him breakfast every morning
So that is it. But she is constantly telling to eat faster, to not take 5 minutes putting shoes on, etc.
There is no real sense of urgency with him
We need advice. As it is, we don't allow him to use electronics during the week. So he can't play video games or on his computer. Unless he needs to go online for school, of course.
What kind of consequences can we give him?
Maybe he isn't getting enough sleep. Is he depressed? Maybe it's time to let him drink coffee.
-feed dogs and let them outside. The night before he puts the food in the dog bowls and leaves them in the garage. So all he needs to do is grab the bowls and set them down. Once they eat, he just has to open the kitchen door and they go outside on their own. Eh, I don't really have anything for this.
-take a shower. I know that this can be done at night to save time, but his hair will look greasy if he showers the night before. It is best for him to shower in the morning. Give him 10 minutes to shower, and have your wife turn the faucet off. She might even need to stand outside the shower and dictate when to soap up, rinse off, etc.
P.S. The reason his hair looks greasy is because it's used to being washed every day. If you make him go without washing his hair for a few days, it will adapt to it's new lifestyle and be just fine.
-scoop the litter box. This is done twice daily, so we aren't talking like a lot of stuff to scoop I don't have anything for this either
-eat breakfast. my wife makes him breakfast every morning Give him 15 minutes to eat, and take his breakfast away. If he doesn't get enough, put an extra snack in his lunch box so that he can eat it on the bus or something...
Interestingly, my friends who had kids who consistently had waking up and getting themselves to school on time issues...All of these kids managed to accomplish it once they moved out for college
12 going on 13 is a reasonable age to wake up on one's own and get dressed and out the door on time. Count me among the "let them suffer the natural consequences of their actions" group.
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