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Old 08-28-2013, 11:30 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,614,039 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
My mother is a recovering drug addict. My father was an alcoholic. I was shot with both barrels, as they say. I won't touch alcohol. And I do not take narcotics even on doctor's orders. So you are preaching to the choir. I've lived it. And I understand not having anything to do with the child until they hit bottom.

But that's not what "disown" means to me. To disown someone means to act as if they never existed. I'm all for personal responsibilty and I agree that you have to save yourself. I've done it. I called DCFS on my own parents. And now I have a passable relationship with my mom.

I guess the sticking point for me is that you admit that you had a child with an alcoholic. Then you sit the child down and say, "Well, because your father is an alcoholic there is a gene that predisposes you to this. But if you do it, you are dead to me." That sounds ridiculous to me.
You're missing a few key points.

1) You don't have to marry an alcoholic for a child to be genetically predisposed to alcoholism. Think about that. Your children will be genetically predisposed regardless of who you have children with. Does that mean you should never have children because you have the genetics to pass down to your children?

2) When you make a decision to have nothing to do with them until they hit rock bottom, you have to accept it might be permanent because a) they might not ever hit rock bottom; b) they could die before they hit rock bottom; and c) you could die before they hit rock bottom.

3) There's nothing ridiculous about forewarning a child about what you will do if they become an alcoholic. It's 100% avoidable. The alcoholic who passed down the gene might not have had the same education and guidance from their parents.
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Old 08-29-2013, 12:15 AM
 
Location: 53179
14,418 posts, read 22,367,401 times
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To me, the love I feel for my child can never be broken. Never. It is unconditional. You can sit here and suggest that what if my child became a serial killer, what if my child became a drug dealer. I would still never disown my own child and the love of my life. I would take a good look at myself and wonder, what did I create. What made him this way? Is he a product of his environment? Is he mentally ill?
Bottom line is, it is my child and always will be. But realize that if my son became monster, I would want him locked away for life in order to save other lives. But I would never disown him or stop loving him.

Sent from my DROID4 using Tapatalk 4
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Old 08-29-2013, 05:37 AM
 
51,581 posts, read 25,500,783 times
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One of the kids in our neighborhood became a drug addict. He was a mess. After years of trouble, which included stealing from his family, draining their savings for rehab, violence when they said no, etc., his parents sold their home and started traveling in an RV.

I can still remember their sorrow on the day they drove away. They both knew they would likely never see him again.

At the time, I couldn't fathom why they were weeping over bidding adieu to that mess.

Now I know.
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Old 08-29-2013, 06:03 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
87,995 posts, read 83,827,560 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post
One of the kids in our neighborhood became a drug addict. He was a mess. After years of trouble, which included stealing from his family, draining their savings for rehab, violence when they said no, etc., his parents sold their home and started traveling in an RV.

I can still remember their sorrow on the day they drove away. They both knew they would likely never see him again.

At the time, I couldn't fathom why they were weeping over bidding adieu to that mess.

Now I know.
My parents had to tell my brother to stay away when he was using heroin. He stole everything in the house of value. Jewelry, my mother's silver that she got for her wedding, any cash he could find. They did not stop loving him, but he had to be cut off. Eventually he was arrested for break-ins at other houses and stopped using drugs and got his life together. Years later when he was dying from the hepatitis he'd picked up from a needle in his drug days, my mother took care of him right up until he died. (My father was dead by then.) She never stopped loving him, but they had to detach him from their lives when he was using.
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Old 08-29-2013, 07:34 AM
 
Location: State of Grace
1,608 posts, read 1,475,081 times
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G'morning all!

When a child takes the wrong road, makes a bad choice (or ten), or otherwise messes up, the least we can do, I believe, is to hope and pray (and I mean actively pray) that they will see the error of their way and 'come back home,' so to speak. Sometimes it takes years, I know, but think of the prodigal son story.

Having been down this road with a couple of our own kids, I know the heartache that attends watching one's child make a mess of their life and be unable to help them. Eventually though, some do turn around, thank God! True, some don't, but I choose to always hope. As a wise person once said 'It ain't over 'til it's over'!

And no - I would not and could not ever disown my child. I haven't mastered the 'art' of simply deciding not to love someone. I've been on the receiving end of that phenomenon, but... I do not understand it.

Mahrie.
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Old 08-29-2013, 09:12 AM
 
13,291 posts, read 9,813,209 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nema98 View Post
I would try to the best of my abilities to get them help. Being a substance abuser is not cause for me to disown them.

If they were a nasty murderer yes.
And they don't take the help you've got them, whatever that is. At all. Then what?

I guess disowning in the case of substance abuse is conditional disownment.

But Hopes is correct, one may never see a resolution.
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Old 08-29-2013, 09:19 AM
 
13,975 posts, read 25,823,059 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahrie View Post
And no - I would not and could not ever disown my child. I haven't mastered the 'art' of simply deciding not to love someone. I've been on the receiving end of that phenomenon, but... I do not understand it.

Mahrie.
There is no correlation between love and disowning. Sometimes the love is so strong, that the sanest thing to do is to stop attempts at contact. As Mighty Queen put it, detach.
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Old 08-29-2013, 10:20 AM
 
13,291 posts, read 9,813,209 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
There is no correlation between love and disowning. Sometimes the love is so strong, that the sanest thing to do is to stop attempts at contact. As Mighty Queen put it, detach.
Exactly.

And also, in the case of addiction - which every parent should have a game plan for, because it can happen to anybody - the most loving thing you can do is to make it clear in the strongest possible terms that you will not engage an adult child while they are in any addictive state. Prior to it actually happening, not after the barn door is wide open.

Support their recovery or its prevention, yes. Have absolutely anything whatsover to do with them should they succumb? No. There's nothing you can do by then anyway.

Parents who think they are "helping" can be a major roadblock to a person finding reality and getting themselves help.

I can't think of a more selfless act than somebody facing their worst fears and following through for the benefit of the child. It's the complete opposite of heartless.
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Old 08-29-2013, 10:25 AM
 
24 posts, read 86,069 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
I was wondering because many people apply it to inheritance only.

I'd never cut my children out of inheritance. I would never say they weren't my children.

I would take a hard stand if they became addicts. I don't tolerate addicts. My children are well aware. When they were growing up, I told them I would kick them out of the house and they would be living in the gutter if they ever even tried HARD drugs. They believed me too. Fortunately, I survived the teen and young adult years without that happening. They're old enough now that it's extremely unlikely it will happen. If it did happen, I would pay whatever it took to put them in the best treatment center in the country if they came to me and said they were ready. But I wouldn't want to hinder their hitting rock bottom by giving them any help or attention until they were ready for real treatment.

As for the sick twisted things like what you proposed, I can't even entertain things like murders, rapes, etc., because my children would never ever do anything like those things. I can't even imagine how that would come to a mother's mind even in a "what if" scenario like this one.
I thought I was incapable of disowning my son, but when a man with HIV molested my 2 yr old Grandbaby for a year....it made me wonder. My son is loving & gentle with his babies, I can't imagine disowning him for ANYTHING, I guess if he was this sick bas**** I would ? I wouldn't look the other way, I would try to get him help.
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Old 08-29-2013, 09:24 PM
 
Location: State of Grace
1,608 posts, read 1,475,081 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
There is no correlation between love and disowning. Sometimes the love is so strong, that the sanest thing to do is to stop attempts at contact. As Mighty Queen put it, detach.
Hello Mattie!

As I understand it, disowning one's child means completely severing ties with them with no intention of reestablishing contact - so the child would, in effect, cease to exist for you.

I can understand a period of non-interaction to preserve one's own sanity, or perhaps even the rest of one's family, or another 'good' reason. A period of disassociation/disconnection from the family may even be good for a deliberately wayward child - as in it may bring them back to their senses, depending on the circumstances involved.

What I don't understand or approve of is writing one's child off forever. considering them as dead etc., as some on this thread have said they would do. I know what the definition of love is, and that isn't it.

So - there's a difference between severing ties for a while and disowning one's child - as I understand it.

Hope I've made my thoughts on this subject easier to understand.

Love,

Mahrie.

Last edited by Mahrie; 08-29-2013 at 09:26 PM.. Reason: grammatical error
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