How to deal with a pregnant teen (harmful, bumps, child support)
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Can't remember who it was but some celebrity actually wrote a book or maybe it was an article about her inability to instantly bond. She was exhausted and irritable and felt she was a failure as a mother cause she just didn't have all those warm and fuzzy feelings from the beginning. And this article brought out so many mothers and father who admitted, rather reluctantly, that they too took a couple of weeks or maybe even months to feel a bond.
.....
I can see where a father wouldn't instantly bond since so much of the early caregiving-if nursing- goes to the mother. And any woman who has given birth can relate to exhaustion and wanting sleep after 9 months of gas, nausea, instability as far as balance, etc.
Everybody is different. The most important thing is that a bond takes place.
Alanis Morissette? I remember she talked about it and she was saying that it exacerbated her postpartum depression.
I certainly know a few mums who didn't bond instantly. Some had PND some didn't. I'm not sure if I bonded instantly or not as the whole thing was a bit of a blur as she was rushed off to SCBU after her first feed but it was pretty soon anyway but I know not to expect the same next time - it can happen at any time.
How is giving an option equate to nudging him out of the baby's life? The scenario presented by Jaded allowed for him to reenter the baby's life in the future if he grows up and has a change of heart. He also chose to go ahead with this pregnancy with a tenuous relationship, and nobody can force him to do what's best for the child.
Exactly. But after Finster described her relationship with her father, her posts here made more sense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
I agree that never knowing a biological father has varying degrees of heartache depending on the child and how the family handles it, but there would be greater heartache in hearing a father doesn't believe a child is his and/or walking out after an attachment is formed.
Which is why if he's not going to be a good father, he should step aside and allow for another man to do the job.
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu
Bolded is HORSE HOCKEY. Even perfect parents have kids who make mistakes and to blame poor parenting on this is ridiculous.
2nd...why do people think they can come in many many pages of posts later that they obviously did not bother to read and think their comment will make any sense. So much as been covered that your comment is also ridiculous.
Exactly. But after Finster described her relationship with her father, her posts here made more sense.
Which is why if he's not going to be a good father, he should step aside and allow for another man to do the job.
was thinking the same thing...
It's all good with the posters. I enjoy hearing differing points of view. It allows me to think of things I wouldn't think of.
I agree with you about how some dads are better off not being around. Not that i think that will ultimately be the outcome here. It's just that I never thought fob would be this way. Not once until a couple weeks before she was due did he express any doubts.
It's ok though. We will have the test and take it from there.
The attorney will not even discuss any other issues until it gets back. That one decision has taken a great amount of stress off of my daughter.
They go to sign off on the test being ordered on Friday.
Exactly. But after Finster described her relationship with her father, her posts here made more sense.
For the sake of civility and open debate, I'll choose to ignore the condescension in the above.
You are speaking from a place where you want to make everything better, which I understand - and think you can just remove a major element from the equation and all will be well. But the truth is better. The truth always wins out. And the truth is that the child has a father that should be given the opportunity to be one without being expected to win father of the year straight off the bat. Firstly, no one's perfect, and secondly - you have no idea how it's going to turn out for anybody. There's heartbreak inherent in this whole situation. But there's also a serious chance for maturation and redemption down the road. Posts from BostonMike and others show what a grave error one can make by pushing away - or even just allowing to drift off and not make an effort to bring together - a biological father in a child's life.
Part of the mother's job if she's to be the sole arbitrator of the kid's destiny is to make sure all avenues that make a whole child are covered. Even if it's painful. It's the truth. People appreciate the truth more than they appreciate being protected from it, in the end.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded
Which is why if he's not going to be a good father, he should step aside and allow for another man to do the job.
You don't know whether he's going to be a good father or not, for heaven's sake. Jersey's daughter has had the benefit of going through a pregnancy and bonding with the child. This kid has not. Yes it might take longer for him to mature into the role. But there's many many more years ahead of them. And if he's not abusive or dangerous, then being "good" is highly subjective and the child may not care as much as you do about the ideal definition thereof.
I absolutely disagree that there should be another man brought in and allowed to "do the job". Jeez that turns out particularly badly a great deal of the time. Let's not subject the baby to that shall we? Where does one go shopping for a new dad for one's child, especially given the track record of the mom? I know it turns out well on some occasions but that's a crap shoot at best and a recipe for disaster at worst.
For the sake of civility and open debate, I'll choose to ignore the condescension in the above.
You are speaking from a place where you want to make everything better, which I understand - and think you can just remove a major element from the equation and all will be well. But the truth is better. The truth always wins out. And the truth is that the child has a father that should be given the opportunity to be one without being expected to win father of the year straight off the bat. Firstly, no one's perfect, and secondly - you have no idea how it's going to turn out for anybody. There's heartbreak inherent in this whole situation. But there's also a serious chance for maturation and redemption down the road. Posts from BostonMike and others show what a grave error one can make by pushing away - or even just allowing to drift off and not make an effort to bring together - a biological father in a child's life.
Part of the mother's job if she's to be the sole arbitrator of the kid's destiny is to make sure all avenues that make a whole child are covered. Even if it's painful. It's the truth. People appreciate the truth more than they appreciate being protected from it, in the end.
You don't know whether he's going to be a good father or not, for heaven's sake. Jersey's daughter has had the benefit of going through a pregnancy and bonding with the child. This kid has not. Yes it might take longer for him to mature into the role. But there's many many more years ahead of them. And if he's not abusive or dangerous, then being "good" is highly subjective and the child may not care as much as you do about the ideal definition thereof.
I absolutely disagree that there should be another man brought in and allowed to "do the job". Jeez that turns out particularly badly a great deal of the time. Let's not subject the baby to that shall we? Where does one go shopping for a new dad for one's child, especially given the track record of the mom? I know it turns out well on some occasions but that's a crap shoot at best and a recipe for disaster at worst.
The only condescension I'm reading is in your post. Look, this thread isn't about your issues. If you can remove yourself from the situation then maybe you'll see that believing this baby's father is tantamount to her overall well-being and success in life is not only short sighted but grossly inaccurate.
Anyways, my point was understood by Jersey. Her daughter may very well marry and have more children in the future. Good for her. She deserves the best life possible for her and her child. And no, any future husband will not be the "worst" thing for the child. In fact, many blended families thrive after a toxic parent is no longer in the picture.
I'm glad the attorney is suggesting no contact until paternity is known.
I don't think anyone is meaning that she go look for a dad for the baby.
I put mine on some sort of pedestal for many years. You always think what you don't know is great. After meeting him and making real efforts at a relationship with him, I'm glad I didn't have him in my life.
No one is saying that fob will not be part of her life. He just might. Then again he might not. He has a lot of growing up to do. My daughter did too and grew up a lot in a very short time. He might too. It remains to be seen.
I'm hoping once the paternity test results are in, he changes his tune and stops trying to incite arguments for the heck of it.
All I know is after Friday, I'm just not a fan. You don't act like that with your child.
I know many of you think he needs time. The time is now. The growing up should have begun as soon as the decision to become a parent was made.
The only condescension I'm reading is in your post. Look, this thread isn't about your issues. If you can remove yourself from the situation then maybe you'll see that believing this baby's father is tantamount to her overall well-being and success in life is not only short sighted but grossly inaccurate.
Anyways, my point was understood by Jersey. Her daughter may very well marry and have more children in the future. Good for her. She deserves the best life possible for her and her child. And no, any future husband will not be the "worst" thing for the child. In fact, many blended families thrive after a toxic parent is no longer in the picture.
I'm glad the attorney is suggesting no contact until paternity is known.
Nor yours. For some reason you're gung ho to get ths guy out of the picture as quickly as possible, and it is too early and too reactionary at this point. It is not in the best interest of the child. Toxic parent? He's not toxic. You don't have the right to separate a child permanently from their parent just because you don't like them. They both have a right to that relationship. A rocky start at this point is not an indicator of how a lifelong relationship may pan out.
You've already got her off and settled into some nice fairy tale family that conveniently ignores the fact that she has another parent. There are ways of making that work even if mom marries etc. It's you that keeps suggesting that he step aside, surrender his parental rights, be no longer in the picture, whatever. That isn't even on the table yet. I don't know why you'd suggest that except as an absolute last resort. I'm not looking at this as a bad idea because I have issues, but because I have experienced almost exactly the same scenario from the perspective of the child, and I believe that is a voice that should be considered. Lawd knows you don't, so somebody needs to.
Lastly, I never stated that her father was tantamount to her future success. That's obviously dependent on many factors. What I have been saying, and will continue to say - is that the child deserves to know her dad if that's at all possible, and that all that can be done to accomplish that should be done. I'm not being extreme. The fact is that she has another parent. That's just a fact. That's the truth. And unless the guy is a bad dude, and completely detrimental - which I don't think you or anybody can judge yet after this short time - then that's the truth she should know.
I don't think anyone is meaning that she go look for a dad for the baby.
I put mine on some sort of pedestal for many years. You always think what you don't know is great. After meeting him and making real efforts at a relationship with him, I'm glad I didn't have him in my life.
No one is saying that fob will not be part of her life. He just might. Then again he might not. He has a lot of growing up to do. My daughter did too and grew up a lot in a very short time. He might too. It remains to be seen.
I'm hoping once the paternity test results are in, he changes his tune and stops trying to incite arguments for the heck of it.
All I know is after Friday, I'm just not a fan. You don't act like that with your child.
I know many of you think he needs time. The time is now. The growing up should have begun as soon as the decision to become a parent was made.
I realize you're not advocating for him to be out of her life. It is what Jaded's pushing. And I'm rebutting her POV, because I strongly disagree with it. I hope the best for you and that it all works out the best way possible, for everyone.
And at least you know that your dad wasn't right for you. That's kinda part of my point. You know the truth, and that's important.
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was thinking the same thing...
