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But it's not the mother's job to bribe and cajole an adult daughter to make decisions she (the mother) knows are best but the daughter isn't ready to see. The mom cannot make her daughter do anything. By laying out the cold hard facts of life she is showing her daughter the tough road ahead so that the daughter can make a fully informed decision.
It's not any different than everything else the OP is about to tell her daughter. She's hoping her daughter chooses abortion after she explains what she will and won't do. She is pretty much saying that she will continue to support her until she finishes her education if she has an abortion. If that's not bribery and cajoling, then telling her daughter I will do X, Y, Z if you continue with school but if you don't you're on your own can't be bribery and cajoling either.
I disagree. I don't believe the OP is trying to bribe or cajole her daughter into an abortion. I think she is trying to ensure her daughter truly "gets" how different and difficult her life will be. And it will. Even with whatever support she is willing/able to provide. To allow her daughter to be under the impression that her life just won't change all that much, except there will be a sweet little baby she can coo over, is unfair. She absolutely should support her daughter emotionally, not be punitive, and help a bit financially if she is able. But the truth is it will be mostly on the girl to provide for this child.
I disagree. I don't believe the OP is trying to bribe or cajole her daughter into an abortion. I think she is trying to ensure her daughter truly "gets" how different and difficult her life will be. And it will. Even with whatever support she is willing/able to provide. To allow her daughter to be under the impression that her life just won't change all that much, except there will be a sweet little baby she can coo over, is unfair. She absolutely should support her daughter emotionally, not be punitive, and help a bit financially if she is able. But the truth is it will be mostly on the girl to provide for this child.
But --- it does sound like it's bribing the girl into an abortion if the OP tells her she will continue providing her all the financial support she could want, pay for her college, give her free room and board if she has an abortion but if she does not, she's headed to the cold hard streets, all financial support, money for college, place at the family table is gone if she does not.
Pro-abortion or not -- the OP's daughter does not seem to be "accidentally" pregnant as she was fully informed, she knew how babies come about, she was even provided birth control -- paid for by her mother. She was on birth control but decided to stop using it. Most likely the daughter wants the baby.
What's strange to some of us is that these young women are often actually joyous upon seeing the positive pregnancy test. They even get together with friends and share their results. I know this for a fact -- it might seem odd but often these babies aren't exactly unplanned. It's maddening --- parents might want to wring their daughters' neck but there really does seem to be an instinct or drive to have children. Even these too-young dads will feel a flush of pride upon learning of the results. It's not like in the past when these pregnancies may have been true "mistakes" or "accidents". In the past women and girls were afraid to tell their parents of the pregnancy, today they withhold the fact that they are excited for the pregnancy.
No matter what you tell them, "biology happens". It's not just about having a sex drive, that may be the case for some but for many there is a reproductive drive as well.
Another thing OP, make sure your daughter knows exactly what help is available for her (financial aid, subsidised childcare, whatever there is over there) and make sure she applies for it if she does decide to keep the baby. Sometimes people just don't know whats available to help them.
I disagree. I don't believe the OP is trying to bribe or cajole her daughter into an abortion.
She stated she hopes her daughter decides to have an abortion after she explains she's on her own.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
She absolutely should support her daughter emotionally, not be punitive, and help a bit financially if she is able. But the truth is it will be mostly on the girl to provide for this child.
I'm talking about continuing to pay for costs associated with her having an education.
She was paying it anyway so it's not extra money out of her budget. To stop because there is a baby IS punitive.
Whether the daughter has the child or not, I think it's time for her to be on her own. The pregnancy is just a sign of the times. She's 19, an adult. She can go to war for her country. It's time she finds some roommates (if she has the abortion) or move in with her boyfriend/fiance (if she keeps their baby). Regardless, mom should still help with school money if she has it set aside already for this purpose.
it does sound like it's bribing the girl into an abortion if the OP tells her
she will continue providing her all the financial support she could want, pay
for her college, give her free room and board if she has an abortion but if she
does not, she's headed to the cold hard streets, all financial support, money
for college, place at the family table is gone if she does not.
I don't see where she says that. No place at the family table unless she has an abortion? I must go back to see that.
Location: The Northeast - hoping one day the Northwest!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719
I'm going to try. She is only six weeks along. I know many people don't believe in it but there are instances where I'm glad it's available.
You have to remember this is her decision. If you convince her, she might end up regretting that decision later and might have ill feelings towards you. It is ultimately her decision and what she wants. She is old enough where the responsibilities should fall on her. Sure, she might need help, but that might also be a first time mom thing though too. Just need to be there for her - that is what she needs now.
She stated she hopes her daughter decides to have an abortion after she explains she's on her own.
Hoping is not cajoling and bribing.
I don't necessarily disagree that if she is paying for her daughter's education currently (is she or is her daughter taking out loans and living at home to defray costs?), that it is wrong to continue. However, I do think the girl needs to be aware of what very real responsibilies lie ahead. Too often young women are under the impression being a single mom with a baby is fun and all about showers, strollers, cute outfits and not so much about diapers, health insurance, colic and staying home on Friday nights. And young men are too often under the impression that once the bragging rights have passed, they go back to their own life and pop in for a visit from time to time. I think the OP wants more for her daughter. I hope she can find a way to express that hope, in a supportive fashion, without being taken advantage of - as it sounds like her daughter has a bit of a history of doing.
Hoping she continues her education if her mother says she'll pay for it if she goes isn't cajoling and bribing either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
I don't necessarily disagree that if she is paying for her daughter's education currently (is she or is her daughter taking out loans and living at home to defray costs?), that it is wrong to continue.
Even if her daughter has grants and/or loans, her mother is paying X per year in some manner of support towards ensuring she gets her education. Now she is saying ZERO money if she has the baby. I'm saying simply tell her that this money she was spending can still be spent towards helping her finishing school and only towards school, but that her daughter will have to financially support herself and her baby on her own otherwise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
However, I do think the girl needs to be aware of what very real responsibilies lie ahead. Too often young women are under the impression being a single mom with a baby is fun and all about showers, strollers, cute outfits and not so much about diapers, health insurance, colic and staying home on Friday nights. And young men are too often under the impression that once the bragging rights have passed, they go back to their own life and pop in for a visit from time to time. I think the OP wants more for her daughter. I hope she can find a way to express that hope, in a supportive fashion, without being taken advantage of - as it sounds like her daughter has a bit of a history of doing.
We are in agreement about this more than you realize.
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