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I said I was hoping she would decide on abortion and that was immediately after learning about it. A couple days have passed and I won't try and tell her what to do in any case. I plan to inform her of what having a child and supporting a family takes. Decisions are theirs completely.
I simply do not have room for a baby. I will continue to support her as far as school goes. Not an issue there. I will also help with child care for night classes. I cannot do days. I have to work.
She has scholarships for school. I pay minimally and will continue that. It IS in her best interest to do so.
I would never see a child starve either. I'm not cruel. I just will not accept this as another child that is my responsibility. It is theirs and I want them to go into this eyes wide open.
They do need to see that their lives are going to drastically change. I do not want them thinking life remains the same. It absolutely does not and he child becomes your top priority.
I just want to clarify that I'm not berating the OP.
I'm just saying don't take the money away that allowed her to finish school off of the table. Right now, you're paying for school in the form of living expenses, clothing, and a bunch of other things. That all totals to a certain dollar amount per month/year that you are contributing towards her finishing her education. And while continuing to pay that money in the same way will make it difficult to not view it was supporting her family, there is a way to provide that same money budgeted in a different way that is only towards helping her finish her education. Support herself and her family herself, but if she continues to go to school, the money you would have spent per month can go towards specific school related expenses (childcare while in school or whatever). To completely cut off any money you had in your budget that you were providing for her to finish school will make it more difficult for her to do so.
But --- it does sound like it's bribing the girl into an abortion if the OP tells her she will continue providing her all the financial support she could want, pay for her college, give her free room and board if she has an abortion but if she does not, she's headed to the cold hard streets, all financial support, money for college, place at the family table is gone if she does not.
I would say if the girl is willing to continue going to college, continuing to pay for it only makes sense. The problem with the "free room and board" thing is that bringing a baby into the house completely changes the equation. The OP has already stated that her daughter shares a room with her sister. They don't have any extra space. It's not fair to the sister to have a screaming baby keeping her up all night. If the daughter wants to make this very "adult" decision to have the baby, she needs to plan on setting up a place to live. It doesn't mean she can't come over for dinner with her family like she used to. It doesn't mean she's banished. But the OP presenting the reality of the consequences of her choices is not "bribing her into an abortion."
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute
Pro-abortion or not -- the OP's daughter does not seem to be "accidentally" pregnant as she was fully informed, she knew how babies come about, she was even provided birth control -- paid for by her mother. She was on birth control but decided to stop using it. Most likely the daughter wants the baby.
Which is her choice. But then with that choice comes a host of consequences she will have to be prepared to deal with--like how to feed, clothe, shelter and provide medical care for her baby. This is not the OP's responsibility. It is the 19-year-old's baby, and her responsibility if she chooses to go forward in that manner.
I would also keep in mind that the OP has (two?) other children at home. Setting the precedent that the OP will take care of all babies that are randomly born out of wedlock and take it off the shoulders of the actual parent is not the best plan and may cause the younger two to have a more lax attitude towards their own use of birth control.
I simply do not have room for a baby. I will continue to support her as far as school goes. Not an issue there. I will also help with child care for night classes. I cannot do days. I have to work.
She has scholarships for school. I pay minimally and will continue that. It IS in her best interest to do so.
I'm really glad to hear that. Zero money was sounding like you wouldn't help her finish school in a monetary way. I only heard you'll babysit if she takes night classes. But the money you are spending is money you would have been spending and I think it will be helpful to her if she understands that you will only provide the amount you have been providing and only for school related expenses.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719
They do need to see that their lives are going to drastically change. I do not want them thinking life remains the same. It absolutely does not and the child becomes your top priority.
I agree. Too many young adults are truly in la la land over this. You do have the problem of not knowing what the boyfriend's parents will do. Their financial help could hinder her from being financially responsible, and she could end up in a huge mess of not knowing how to care for herself and her child if/when the relationship ends.
I didnt read all 25 pages but... No baby at home in your house, that is your decision. You should make this clear to daughter so she can plan accordingly.
Is she in college? IMO, there is no time to go to college while taking care of a baby. I think its too much to juggle. College will be there. A babies life will not.
she and bf could talk to the school about family housing. BF needs to work his butt off and provide for family before worrying about school. Dropping out of school to live and work is not the end of the world.
I said I was hoping she would decide on abortion and that was immediately after learning about it. A couple days have passed and I won't try and tell her what to do in any case. I plan to inform her of what having a child and supporting a family takes. Decisions are theirs completely.
I simply do not have room for a baby. I will continue to support her as far as school goes. Not an issue there. I will also help with child care for night classes. I cannot do days. I have to work.
She has scholarships for school. I pay minimally and will continue that. It IS in her best interest to do so.
I would never see a child starve either. I'm not cruel. I just will not accept this as another child that is my responsibility. It is theirs and I want them to go into this eyes wide open.
They do need to see that their lives are going to drastically change. I do not want them thinking life remains the same. It absolutely does not and he child becomes your top priority.
That sounds like the middle ground to me. I hope your daughter (and her boyfriend) figure out exactly what this situation means and do whats best, whatever that may be.
I would also keep in mind that the OP has (two?) other children at home. Setting the precedent that the OP will take care of all babies that are randomly born out of wedlock and take it off the shoulders of the actual parent is not the best plan and may cause the younger two to have a more lax attitude towards their own use of birth control.
It depends on the personalities of the siblings, but in my experience having an older sibling experience an unplanned pregnancy did NOT make it attractive in any way to them.
It had the opposite effect and rather showed the the painful, realistic side of this situation. They were swayed less by any attention the mom-to-be received and much more by the family turmoil and drastic change in lifestyle.
Neither family we know who had this happen had little siblings follow in those footsteps.
That sounds like the middle ground to me. I hope your daughter (and her boyfriend) figure out exactly what this situation means and do whats best, whatever that may be.
Ok good.
It's the best I can do really. The shock factor has worn off and I think I'm thinking more rationally. At least hopefully.
I would say if the girl is willing to continue going to college, continuing to pay for it only makes sense. The problem with the "free room and board" thing is that bringing a baby into the house completely changes the equation. The OP has already stated that her daughter shares a room with her sister. They don't have any extra space. It's not fair to the sister to have a screaming baby keeping her up all night. If the daughter wants to make this very "adult" decision to have the baby, she needs to plan on setting up a place to live. It doesn't mean she can't come over for dinner with her family like she used to. It doesn't mean she's banished. But the OP presenting the reality of the consequences of her choices is not "bribing her into an abortion."
Which is her choice. But then with that choice comes a host of consequences she will have to be prepared to deal with--like how to feed, clothe, shelter and provide medical care for her baby. This is not the OP's responsibility. It is the 19-year-old's baby, and her responsibility if she chooses to go forward in that manner.
I would also keep in mind that the OP has (two?) other children at home. Setting the precedent that the OP will take care of all babies that are randomly born out of wedlock and take it off the shoulders of the actual parent is not the best plan and may cause the younger two to have a more lax attitude towards their own use of birth control.
I was saying what I would do. I've taken in unrelated kids before, friends of my kids that for whatever reason couldn't or didn't want to live at home for a while, one had a drunken uncle that would move in and this kid would then move in to my house until the uncle was gone. I don't throw kids out of my home even if they're not mine, I wouldn't throw my own grandkids out either.
Also I was very impressed with my grandfather. When we were teenagers, he showed us all where he kept a key to his home, he told us that if we ever needed a place to stay, we had one, no questions would be asked. His home was our home if we should ever need it. At least one cousin took him up on it, she moved in for a time with him until certain issues with her parents were worked out.
I didn't say I would encourage my kids to have random babies expecting I would do it all for them either, not quite sure where you got that idea. I would instead try to guide my own child into parenthood and hopefully also marriage -- I'm not one who is at all against the idea of marriage. Obviously not if the guy is an alcoholic, drug addict or abusive -- but that's a whole 'nother can of worms and it would indicate far more serious problems if a daughter was choosing that type of boyfriend.
In my opinion the best thing is for a child to be born to two parents so that would be what I would encourage. The best thing would be for the young couple to have a place of their own, but that might end their schooling. I myself could temporary allow the young married couple to stay in my house but that's because my house is big enough that I could allow that -- for the purpose of them finishing school if I believed they had a future with that. With a very small house, obviously that may not be a good choice at all, the boy's parents may have to step up to the plate for that -- or the kids may have to drop out of school and work full time hours to pay for an apartment.
As for having babies around encouraging younger siblings to have some of their own, I think that tends to have an opposite effect. Kids that know there is more to babies than cuteness and fun baby showers tend to want to delay the start of their own families.
I said I was hoping she would decide on abortion and that was immediately after learning about it. A couple days have passed and I won't try and tell her what to do in any case. I plan to inform her of what having a child and supporting a family takes. Decisions are theirs completely.
I simply do not have room for a baby. I will continue to support her as far as school goes. Not an issue there. I will also help with child care for night classes. I cannot do days. I have to work.
She has scholarships for school. I pay minimally and will continue that. It IS in her best interest to do so.
I would never see a child starve either. I'm not cruel. I just will not accept this as another child that is my responsibility. It is theirs and I want them to go into this eyes wide open.
They do need to see that their lives are going to drastically change. I do not want them thinking life remains the same. It absolutely does not and he child becomes your top priority.
I am completely neutral on providing room in your house for the couple. That's also what inexpensive apartments and mobile homes are for. You can only do what you can do, and doing too much isn't good either. If they both have to quit school and work a lot more, so be it. That may be the best thing for now. Or they could continue school but go part time.
The worst thing is to make it all so very easy and hand them all kinds of money -- and they don't need that. The only goal I would have is to help them get on their own feet and whatever I do would be for the purpose of getting them more independent, the last thing I would want to do is encourage dependency but for me that also includes welfare dependency. I would still want the couple to eventually make it.
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