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I may be being misunderstood. The only place I am sharing my feelings is right here. We've had no further discussion about her having the baby since our all together discussion.
The doctor thing was a phone call from her asking me to make an appointment which I didn't. I told her she could do it. She then followed with a text asking if i would go with them. I said yes.
That's the extent. I'm not in any way showing her any excitement or happiness in her decision to have the baby.
I can completely understand how some of you can think I am but be assured, I've spoken to no one other than my posts on here.
I really don't have anyone to talk to about any of this. Anonymously on a forum is the best outlet I have. Hubby is not a big talker.
No, I get you. There's nothing for you to defend.
My posts are in response to other posters who I feel are putting on the pressure for you guys to start throwing showers and framing ultrasounds.
My post was a long way of saying you might want to reconsider your involvement in attending appointments. Emotionally supportive is listening to her tell you about her appointments. You don't need to attend them. That puts her in child mode instead of adult mode.
I feel so damned if I do and damned if I don't in this whole thing. It's such a tough spot to be in.
My mother was spanked as a kid but with me took it to a whole new level. She was a different sort. Yes, I'm worried about a whole slew of things each way.
The only thing I can do is be there to listen and guide her without doing FOR her.
Think about it for a moment. If they forced your mother to be responsible, your mother would have probably been even more abusive towards you because she would have had less freedom and more hatred towards how her life was ruined. I'm not saying you should not hold your daughter accountable. I'm just saying that there is nothing you can do to prevent this child from having the exact same experience you had, and you were darn lucky you had your grandparents to step in and raise you.
Your new grandchild doesn't seem to even have that possible future because you believe your daughter will be responsible if you make her be responsible. You say she was raised so she wouldn't be abusive. Does that mean your mother's abuse was due to the way she was raised by your grandparents? I think you're off track there. Your grandparents had to be a great people or they wouldn't have raised you and you wouldn't have loved your grandmother so much.
Another thing to think about. I remember reading a while back that you took care of your grandmother for many years and that you would care for any elderly person that needed it. But you are saying you will NOT raise your grandchild. There just seems to be so many contradictions in your mind that you need to resolve.
Honestly, Hope, I think you are reaching. There is no reason to suspect that the OP's mom and this daughter are similar. If the OP let's DD learn to grow up NOW, there is nothing that stops her from intervening in extreme situations later.
Honestly, Hope, I think you are reaching. There is no reason to suspect that the OP's mom and this daughter are similar. If the OP let's DD learn to grow up NOW, there is nothing that stops her from intervening in extreme situations later.
I'm not trying to reach. It seems she needs to work through her own personal issues about her childhood so she can come to terms with how she feels about her daughter's pregnancy.
She is conflicted in her feelings about this, and she says her upbringing is the root of how she feels. She said she is worried about her daughter being like her mother. Then she says she says she didn't raise her to be like her mother. She says that she won't raise a grandchild. But her grandparents raised her and she loved her grandmother very much. And she doesn't mind taking care of the elderly, but she doesn't want to raise a grandchild.
It's just food for thought since these conflicting feelings aren't logical when she's comparing now to the past. It sounds like she blames her grandparents for her mother's abuse. She thinks their enabling her to be irresponsible is why she ended up with them raising her. That seems to be the root of her being firmly against raising a grandchild. Yet, if her grandparents didn't raise her, her life would have probably been worse. She thinks if she holds her daughter accountable, that it won't turn out the same way. It probably won't turn out the same way, but holding her accountable isn't necessarily the reason it will work out or not. Being held accountable can tip a young mother over the edge because they feel trapped.
I'm not saying she shouldn't hold her accountable. I'm trying to impress upon her that she is letting the past influence and hinder her ability to recognize there is a very real chance that she might be raising this child, even if there isn't abuse. She needs to work on her feelings about her mother and her grandparents' role in what happened because this child MIGHT need her in the future the same way she needed her grandparents.
Well, to put this in perspective I was married at 18, was pregnant at 19, and had my son at 20.. at 22 we are closing on our first home next month.
Really she doesnt need your support. It's not your decision. She isn't really a "teen," by number yeah.. but she is legal.
You are working way too hard to play the sympathy card.
As far as attending appointments. If this was 5 years later and you approved of the pregnancy would you expect to be involved? If she cut you out of the birth and didn't allow you to any ultrasounds would that upset you? Really, i'd love to speak to your daughter and give her advise as to handle this situation Moderator Cut.
Last edited by Jaded; 09-12-2013 at 06:12 PM..
Reason: Personal attack
Well, to put this in perspective I was married at 18, was pregnant at 19, and had my son at 20.. at 22 we are closing on our first home next month.
Really she doesnt need your support. It's not your decision. She isn't really a "teen," by number yeah.. but she is legal.
You are working way too hard to play the sympathy card.
As far as attending appointments. If this was 5 years later and you approved of the pregnancy would you expect to be involved? If she cut you out of the birth and didn't allow you to any ultrasounds would that upset you? Really, i'd love to speak to your daughter and give her advise as to handle this situation.
Wow. Happy for you. Best of luck in your new home.
She asked me if I would go. Not the other way around. I would be fine with it if she hadn't asked me to go.
You're right, this isn't about me. It's about her and her future. She lives in my home so right now she kind of is my concern.
I think you have the wrong idea. I don't want anyone's sympathy. I'm like any other mom and just want the best for my kids.
Last edited by Jaded; 09-12-2013 at 06:13 PM..
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