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I did it alone. My mother had cancer while I was pregnant. She died in November. My father died a short time later. I gave birth in April. I was 28. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my entire life. I rose to the occasion. I was a good mom. But it was HARD. Does that mean I wish I had never had children? No. But I do hope my children never have children. There are scary genetics that should end with this generation. I have no idea how to even have this conversation. How do you warn someone about something like this without them thinking you regret them? I don't even have the courage to tell them they are genetically likely to develop early onset Alzheimer's. There's a very real chance they might not even be able to raise a child to adulthood. And that's not even the scary genetics. Let's just say I didn't chose a healthy sperm donor. I digress. Many people HAVE to do it on their own. I meet my husband a couple of years later. Without him, I have no idea what our lives would have been like.
How awful. Is it really a more likely than not scenario for your kids?
Do not give up hope and faith. We make advances every day in science.
My daughters have a lot of really terrible diseases coming from both my husband's and my side. It's pretty strange though because we also both have grandparents that lived very long lives, in fact one of my husband's grandmothers is still living! It's our parents and their siblings that have the terrible health.
I don't think you'd be sending a message to your children negatively at all by giving them their family health histories. They will probably appreciate it.
Human beings have always had children at age 20. As a society we have pushed the idea of having children until after age 30 or preferably after age 35 -- only after every kind of degree has been obtained and the career is fully established but that contradicts human biology.
Not too long ago it was perfectly normal and acceptable for kids to marry within a couple years of graduating from high school. And yes, I fully realize that now you are expected to have at least a masters degree before you are anything but the biology is still the same. Fertility rates are highest at around age 18 or so and the reproductive system is still not adapted to the new notion that sex is only for pleasure. There are biological drives (not just the sex drive) -- and they are stronger in some individuals than in others.
It's a little hard to explain why perfectly intelligent and knowledgeable individuals choose to conceive when they do. It's another generation out there, and while the trend is delay reproduction, there are a significant number of women (and men) who will tell you they want to be young parents. Kids today have a more flexible attitude about finishing college also, it isn't something that must be done within 4 years or never.
I would not say this couple is irresponsible at all -- have they dropped out of school? Some kids do that and don't have a baby on the way. Are they out partying every night, experimenting with drugs? Have the quit their jobs? It doesn't sound like it, if anything though they're going to start getting responsible.
Maybe you are one of the lucky ones and your perfect children listen to your every word, never make a single mistake or ever think to do something you told them not to do. No one has suggested exactly celebrating at least not yet. That one is a very fine line -- because at the same time, as a society we should be long over the idea that some kids are just worthless bastards. This baby can be a loved and cared for baby, the parents can be great or at least good and loving parents. The parents can finish college, sooner or later.
It's no different than any other situation that might be disappointing to the parents at least at the time. Just like some parents face a child coming out of the closet -- and their dreams are smashed, most of us would not think that child should be rejected and shunned for ever by the family. The parents may need time to readjust their own dreams and wishes, they may have to accept some things will never be -- but that's how parenting sometimes goes.
This is what makes me want to bang my head against the wall.
YES, it's different. There is a child involved. That's what's different.
I have no issue with people doing whatever it is they do when they're kids. Pearls would crush against bosoms in despair at some if the things I got up to.
But bringing a child into it adds a whole new dimension. That's what's different. Can't believe I actually have to point that out.
This is what makes me want to bang my head against the wall.
YES, it's different. There is a child involved. That's what's different.
I have no issue with people doing whatever it is they do when they're kids. Pearls would crush against bosoms in despair at some if the things I got up to.
But bringing a child into it adds a whole new dimension. That's what's different. Can't believe I actually have to point that out.
I actually get what both of you are saying.
One is saying that it can be ok if handled responsibly. You are saying they've shown irresponsibility already.
You're both correct and how this all plays out in reality remains to be seen.
I can't say either way at this point for them. I can only say what I will and will not do. There are quite a few ways, positive and negative, that this can go.
Believe me, I have been questioning everything over the past week. It's awful. But I am one that thinks too much about almost everything.
One is saying that it can be ok if handled responsibly. You are saying they've shown irresponsibility already.
You're both correct and how this all plays out in reality remains to be seen.
I can't say either way at this point for them. I can only say what I will and will not do. There are quite a few ways, positive and negative, that this can go.
Believe me, I have been questioning everything over the past week. It's awful. But I am one that thinks too much about almost everything.
Actually Jersey this isn't really about your situation so much as the situation in general. I really do think you've all got a good shot.
I'm kind of astounded at the 180 some of these posters are doing. Posters that malign single young parents and rail against them, especially if they need any type of assistance - suddenly it's all lovely and there's plenty of time to finish college, it can be done, bah blah blah, they aren't irresponsible they just made a mistake - nothing here to worry about at all. Most bemusing.
How awful. Is it really a more likely than not scenario for your kids?
Do not give up hope and faith. We make advances every day in science.
My daughters have a lot of really terrible diseases coming from both my husband's and my side. It's pretty strange though because we also both have grandparents that lived very long lives, in fact one of my husband's grandmothers is still living! It's our parents and their siblings that have the terrible health.
I don't think you'd be sending a message to your children negatively at all by giving them their family health histories. They will probably appreciate it.
Early Onset Alzheimer's is the most genetically linked type of Alzheimer's. It's a 50/50 shot. That might not be MORE likely, but those aren't odds I'd place bets on when having children. It's really the scarier genetics that cause me to pause. They could adopt instead, but then the Alzheimer's is a consideration with adoption.
We only found out two years ago about the Early Onset Alzheimer's. We chose not to tell them---yet. Since nothing can be done, we didn't want to worry them while they were in their teens. When we share the medical history from the biological father's side of the family, we'll recommend they seek genetic counseling with their future spouses prior to considering children.
Thanks. I'm not giving up hope. I'll fight for their health until the day I die.
Wow! I really appreciated your post until you edited it and added this paragraph.
Whoopee. You have a healthy, fertile, long life span family. Good for you.
Importance on different things? That's insulting.
I never said I regretted having my children.
I'm saying my children should not pass down their biological father's genetics.
Big difference.
In no way did I mean or mean to imply that YOUR personal decision was wrong. Guess what - neither me nor any of my kids have finished our college degrees. That would be TERRIBLE to some people or families and I'm not saying their values are wrong either. They're just different families. That's all I meant. I said I had my first child at age 20. That would dismay many people and that's why I gave that example. I'm neither proud nor ashamed of it. At age 51 i have 7 grandkids. I'm not bragging about that. Some people would be HORRIFIED at that prospect. I think you misunderstood my point snd I'm sorry if I miscommunicated it. Hope this clears it up.
Children are a good thing no matter when they come. I have seen fathers deeply regretting the birth of a grand child by their teen age daughter...they later felt so guilty about making a stink out of something that turns into a blessing. One man I spoke to was in tears because he had treated his daughter with contempt because she had born a child...now he feels like a fool for being evil about the situation....He tells me his grand daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to him................Parents of young people who give birth should be supportive...it is not an evil or bad thing...It is a good thing.
In no way did I mean or mean to imply that YOUR personal decision was wrong. Guess what - neither me nor any of my kids have finished our college degrees. That would be TERRIBLE to some people or families and I'm not saying their values are wrong either. They're just different families. That's all I meant. I said I had my first child at age 20. That would dismay many people and that's why I gave that example. I'm neither proud nor ashamed of it. At age 51 i have 7 grandkids. I'm not bragging about that. Some people would be HORRIFIED at that prospect. I think you misunderstood my point snd I'm sorry if I miscommunicated it. Hope this clears it up.
Let me see if I have the details right, you were pregnant at 20? Divorced? Your children were teen parents? No one finished college?
Let me see if I have the details right, you were pregnant at 20? Divorced? Your children were teen parents? No one finished college?
Sounds fantastic!
I shared those details knowing that someone like you would come along and be derisive and judgmental without knowing the facts. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to give some background.
I met my husband in college. I got married at twenty and had a baby 11 months later. We were married for eleven years. He enlisted in the military, finished his bachelors and masters, and became an officer. We had four kids together but eventually divorced. I went on to earn several professional licenses and certifications and enjoyed a lucrative and successful career, while raising my kids. ONE of my children got pregnant at 19. She turned her life around, and is now very happily married to an Air Force officer and they have four kids together. My other daughter is in the Air Force and has consistently been promoted ahead of her peers, and now has a top secret clearance and is looking forward to retiring in eleven years. She and her husband, who is working on his master's degree, have three kids together. My two sons are 24 and 26, unmarried with no kids. Both are building their careers and so far, so good.
I remarried 8 years ago to a terrific man who loves and accepts all my kids and grandkids, who now live all over the world. We own a small business together and life is great, since he works three weeks out of five and I barely work at all (books for the business, that's it). We love to travel, which is a good thing since one daughter and one son live in Guam (military assignments) and the other daughter lives in England. Thank goodness my youngest son lives in Austin! With two weeks out of every five to do exactly as we like, we manage to spend time with our family members who are all over the world. Oh, and Skype...that's helpful too. And Amazon. And Instagram and Facebook. Whew!
We're an unconventional family and we also have many ethnicities represented in our immediate family, due mostly to our military lifestyle. We've all led very exciting and interesting lives and though we are scattered,we make it a point to visit each other often - even my parents, who have flown all over the world visiting kids, grandkids and great grandkids. Life is a grand adventure for us all!
So yes, we're in agreement I guess, because our lives ARE fantastic. Sometimes I'm amazed at just how great our lifestyle is, considering all the mistakes we've all made along the way.
But then, no family is perfect. This is exactly my point to the OP. No matter what mistakes we've made, we've always believed that we can turn our ship around by making better decisions the next day - the next minute. We've been taught (and taught our kids) to take full responsibility for our own actions and decisions. I think this is the key to making life successful - avoiding the victim complexes, and having zero tolerance for any "sense of entitlement."
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