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Shared Joint Custody has one parent having the child 65% of the time and the other parent 35%.
It depends on the state or the agreement between the parents. Where I live, joint legal custody doesn't have anything to do with the amount of time spent with a parent. It has to do with both parents having a right to make decisions about the child's life. Joint physical custody can be a 50/50 split to any other time arrangement the parents agree upon.
My point is that the boyfriend shouldn't be given any type of custody if he is not going to be 100% involved from the start. The daughter should have full custody, and he should only have visitation. Since she's the one who is taking on the responsibility of raising this child, she should be the only one to make decisions about the child's medical care, education, etc.
I see your point, but she is barely pregnant and it is not determined how much responsibility this guy will take. Why cut him out if he is willing to step up as a parent? I am advising the OP to see a lawyer and get advice about all of the options. I think that is the smartest thing to do.
I'm going to take a different tack and say that if the OP's daughter wants the boyfriend to be involved, they shouldn't get the child support enforcement unit or lawyers involved yet. Nothing would sour him on this experience faster and I think he'd detach even more. He's acting immature because he IS immature - he's 19. I don't think I wised up until I was about 24 and even then it was touch and go . Maybe the OP can explain to him what an amazing experience the birth of a child is and that he'll regret missing it down the road. Most of us here have experienced it and can't imagine passing it up, but a 19 year old doesn't think like us. Bottom line is that it may take some time to get the boyfriend to a place where he's come to terms with everything and is ready to step up to the plate. It's more real for the daughter at this point. If she wants him involved, she may have to put up with this BS for a little while. Of course, if he's still not ready to step up after the child is born, then it's time to look out for the child's best interest and get custody and child support sorted out.
I see your point, but she is barely pregnant and it is not determined how much responsibility this guy will take. Why cut him out if he is willing to step up as a parent? I am advising the OP to see a lawyer and get advice about all of the options. I think that is the smartest thing to do.
I'm not saying cut him out. I'm saying it's too soon for the legalities. Nothing should be officially given to him until he has proven himself. If he doesn't step up in the beginning, she should have full legal custody. If he decides to step up later, he can have visitation. A lawyer is going to advise to take action immediately because lawyers make their money that way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brian571
I'm going to take a different tack and say that if the OP's daughter wants the boyfriend to be involved, they shouldn't get the child support enforcement unit or lawyers involved yet. Nothing would sour him on this experience faster and I think he'd detach even more.
I totally agree. Let him prove himself one way or another first.
The person that said I shouldn't be pissed as I'm only here for support is right. I'm glad I haven't voiced my frustration to her. She'll work it out. I felt that somehow his school is more important than hers. His dad was the one that told him he cannot miss school at all. They will work it out. I shouldn't be pissed. But forgive me for a moment all lapse of sanity. I'm a mom and get a pass for the occasional insanity.
Yes, he's 20. God knows that is really not mature yet. The poster that said 24, and still touch and go was on the money.
I won't advise her to see an attorney yet.
One of my other kids was talking to him this week and said he's freaked out a bit as reality is setting in. Well no kidding. It's definitely something to be freaked out about. Maybe he will or won't change his mind. That's for them to work out.
His parents are going to be a big problem for your daughter throughout the years.
He is very controlling. His mom isn't.
His parents are going to be a problem for him. I don't see my daughter putting up with it. She's not the kind of person that will. She won't yes to death either. Although it has made me angry in the past it has served her well also.
Her due date was off by 10 days. She really found out early.
Here's the newest thing that's making me crazy.
Both her and the bf are in school. With the new due date, it's going to be right at the end when they are done.
She said she will be talking to her profs at the middle of the semester to see if she can take her finals maybe a week before the final exam schedule.
The bf refuses to talk with his and told her that he will not miss school. At all. I am in one way appreciative of his dedication to his education and in another way, I'm pissed. She doesn't have the luxury of simply not being present for the birth or the first day home from birth.
He has offered to ask his dad to be there with her in his place. I don't know. I really don't.
Am I unreasonable to be feeling this way? And as the past many many pages, tell me straight. I want to know all sides of it that I may not be seeing.
I don't think it's your place to judge really. And if you can stand in for him at ultrasounds, why can't his dad stand in for him at the birth?
I'm going to take a different tack and say that if the OP's daughter wants the boyfriend to be involved, they shouldn't get the child support enforcement unit or lawyers involved yet. Nothing would sour him on this experience faster and I think he'd detach even more. He's acting immature because he IS immature - he's 19. I don't think I wised up until I was about 24 and even then it was touch and go . Maybe the OP can explain to him what an amazing experience the birth of a child is and that he'll regret missing it down the road. Most of us here have experienced it and can't imagine passing it up, but a 19 year old doesn't think like us. Bottom line is that it may take some time to get the boyfriend to a place where he's come to terms with everything and is ready to step up to the plate. It's more real for the daughter at this point. If she wants him involved, she may have to put up with this BS for a little while. Of course, if he's still not ready to step up after the child is born, then it's time to look out for the child's best interest and get custody and child support sorted out.
True. And even the best of marriages have their ups and downs, this couple isn't married. Even in marriages, there can be mixed emotions -- and a lot of emotions when a baby is yet to be born. It's a big change.
As for the the boy's father, at least he's excited over the baby, it sounds like he definitely plans to welcome the little one into the world and may end up being the baby's best advocate. He may sound controlling but in the end, he may make sure his son doesn't try to abandon his responsibilities. He wants his grandchild. A grandparent -- maternal or paternal can be very important in a child's life, even though it seems a bit weird that he would want to be in the labor room for the birth or even think that would be okay, except that it would be okay if the baby's mother thinks it is.
I don't think it's your place to judge really. And if you can stand in for him at ultrasounds, why can't his dad stand in for him at the birth?
You don't think that seems a little over-board? I can see him waiting outside the labor room and I can see a grandfather being very excited for his first grandchild but it's different than a woman's mother being there for those events. There's no set rules however -- if the new mother is okay with it, then it's not our place to judge.
I even know a couple that needed a sperm donor and wanted a family member and so choose the father-in-law to be the sperm donor but it didn't work out.
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. Maybe the OP can explain to him what an amazing experience the birth of a child is and that he'll regret missing it down the road. Most of us here have experienced it and can't imagine passing it up, but a 19 year old doesn't think like us. Bottom line is that it may take some time to get the boyfriend to a place where he's come to terms with everything and is ready to step up to the plate. It's more real for the daughter at this point. If she wants him involved, she may have to put up with this BS for a little while. Of course, if he's still not ready to step up after the child is born, then it's time to look out for the child's best interest and get custody and child support sorted out.
