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FWIW, you might want to consider asking the extended family on both sides if they are able to help out. (Either of the new parents' uncles, aunts, etc). Just putting it out there as an option.
why do they have to help out? Why do they have to pay for their mistake?
My daughter is 19 and just told me she's pregnant. I've gotten her birth control for the past two years. I've paid for it, ordered it and handed it to her.
I do not support the decision to have this baby. The boys parents are happy for them. I like the kid but neither of them are through with their schooling. I still have two kids other than her to raise. My husband and I do not want to raise another. What to do?
If it were me, I'd encourage her to marry the boy --- and sure the marriage might not work but it might. That way the baby has the best chance to have both parents involved.
I'd support her having the baby. I also don't think you have to assume that you'll be stuck having to raise your grand baby -- it sounds like the boy's parents are far more supportive and loving.
If you tell her to just abort her baby, she may end up hating you. You can't get harmful words back.
Think very carefully before you start pushing marriage. Pregnancy is no reason to get married. Most teen marriages don't last. She needs to make this decision fully informed that she will likely be responsible for raising this child by herself as a single mother. Sitting down with him and his parents will give her the false belief that she will be raising this child for 18 years with this boyfriend. She needs to understand the odds are that she is in this on her own.
My children have quite a few friends who had babies young. They all started out thinking it would be wonderful and they would be together. None of them are together. Few of them lasted the first year. There was so damn much drama that babies shouldn't be put through.
Then there is friend whose girlfriend is currently pregnant. He does not want her living with him. He has no intentions whatsoever of her living with him once the baby is born. He fully intends to provide financially and raise the child as if they are divorced parents with joint custody. He has been straight and honest with her about his intentions. But she remains in la la land and clings to him like a puppy dog. She stalks him and calls him constantly. I can't imagine why her parents haven't told her to stop being so damn desperate and accept the fact she is going to be a single mother.
Many marriages don't last when people marry at 25 or 30 --- that doesn't mean someone can't at least try. Some of the best and longest marriages I know were couples who married young. Some even married young without a baby on the way.
Trying to keep her from marrying would be a sure way for her to end up as a single mother, giving marriage a chance gives her more chance to raise a child in a family. I don't think it would be wise to suggest all will be wonderful, they need to realize there will be good times and tough times. There are no guarantees in life -- marriage isn't all wonderful, but single parenting isn't all wonderful either.
Seriously, my suggestion is tell her she can either have an abortion or place the child for adoption. Placing the child for adoption would be my first choice.
Make it clear if she keeps the child--despite your wishes--she can't live in the home and very little in the way of family assistance will be provided. More importantly, make her believe you are serious when you say this.
This sounds pretty strong, but any other message than this is going to be interpreted by her as support for a decision to keep and parent the child. People hear what they want to hear. It seems evident to me that this is clearly what she wants. This is not an optimal situation for that. She is likely to require both assistance from her family and the taxpayers.
I would be super careful with that -- deciding to reject and despise your own grandchild right off the bat and make it be known to the parents of that child can have life-long consequences. Adoption is a good choice and can be suggested in case there is any hint that the boy doesn't want to be a father.
What's so wrong with giving a little moral support to an adult child who is in a difficult situation?
The reason in the past that marriage was encouraged was because two parents can support a family -- a little assistance, especiallly love and emotional support from both families doesn't hurt. They're young but not disabled so they can work and can complete school. A baby is all the more motivation for the parents to work hard and push themselves, party days are over, more reason than ever for them to buckle down, study, get jobs. They just have to finish growing up a little sooner.
They sound like a young couple with real and realistic goals --- not just a couple of flakes. I'd just encourage them to stay in school, offer limited help and all kinds of emotional support. The other siblings can learn by this -- they'll likely love the new niece or nephew but will see first-hand that babies require money and work.
The only thing with marriage is the insurance - it might be important to check if by marrying, the daughter is no longer on the parents' insurance. They may need to hold off until after the baby is born to marry.
Some of you have gotten the impression that I think I raised an irresponsible child. Well you are spot on. I do think that.
As I said before. My own mom was 19 when she had me. I did not have a good life and suffered a lot as a result. I tried to do everything differently than my own mother did. I raised my kids with this: do nothing my mom did and everything she didn't. Somehow that hasn't worked either. I never had my head in the sand. I got her bc two years ago to try and avoid this. We went to the doc together and discussed the options. Her and the doc decided that the pill was her best option.
After sleeping on this for two nights now, I am going to talk with them tomorrow and spell out their options. This is their decision and their battle. I can only be there for emotional support. That is it and I will be clear.
I am positively heartbroken over this.
I feel like she is my mom all over again. My mom resented me. I can't tell you how many times I heard how I ruined her life or was shown her c section scar and told that I did that to her.
I don't have the luxury of being able to stay home with the baby while they work or go to school. I have to work full time. This is what they will have to figure out.
This is their life. Not mine. They will have to live with their choices. I will be sure that baby doesn't suffer. I could never allow that. It didn't ask to be brought into the world.
I feel like she is my mom all over again. My mom resented me. I can't tell you how many times I heard how I ruined her life or was shown her c section scar and told that I did that to her.
Tell her this. At the very least, it might help her to have the foresight to not treat her baby like that later.
My daughter is 19 and just told me she's pregnant. I've gotten her birth control for the past two years. I've paid for it, ordered it and handed it to her.
I do not support the decision to have this baby. The boys parents are happy for them. I like the kid but neither of them are through with their schooling. I still have two kids other than her to raise. My husband and I do not want to raise another. What to do?
She is 19 which is adult age. She made adult decisions and got pregnant and now it is time for her to act like an adult and take responsibility. It isn't your baby, it is hers to raise. It is time for her to grow up.
Some of you have gotten the impression that I think I raised an irresponsible child. Well you are spot on. I do think that.
As I said before. My own mom was 19 when she had me. I did not have a good life and suffered a lot as a result. I tried to do everything differently than my own mother did. I raised my kids with this: do nothing my mom did and everything she didn't. Somehow that hasn't worked either. I never had my head in the sand. I got her bc two years ago to try and avoid this. We went to the doc together and discussed the options. Her and the doc decided that the pill was her best option.
After sleeping on this for two nights now, I am going to talk with them tomorrow and spell out their options. This is their decision and their battle. I can only be there for emotional support. That is it and I will be clear.
I am positively heartbroken over this.
I feel like she is my mom all over again. My mom resented me. I can't tell you how many times I heard how I ruined her life or was shown her c section scar and told that I did that to her.
I don't have the luxury of being able to stay home with the baby while they work or go to school. I have to work full time. This is what they will have to figure out.
This is their life. Not mine. They will have to live with their choices. I will be sure that baby doesn't suffer. I could never allow that. It didn't ask to be brought into the world.
She's not your mother either. Be careful about projecting. Lots of us had teenage mothers and our mothers were fine. Any mother who blames her child for ruining her life or a section scar is not a very nice person, but that's not necessarily due to age. That's just being a jerk, and being a jerk knows no age.
19 is young, but 19 is not 14 either. Plenty of women are married, have okay jobs, and raise proper families at that age. If even you don't have faith in her to step up and be a good mother, then who will?
At least give her a chance before you write her off.
Some of you have gotten the impression that I think I raised an irresponsible child. Well you are spot on. I do think that.
As I said before. My own mom was 19 when she had me. I did not have a good life and suffered a lot as a result. I tried to do everything differently than my own mother did. I raised my kids with this: do nothing my mom did and everything she didn't. Somehow that hasn't worked either. I never had my head in the sand. I got her bc two years ago to try and avoid this. We went to the doc together and discussed the options. Her and the doc decided that the pill was her best option.
After sleeping on this for two nights now, I am going to talk with them tomorrow and spell out their options. This is their decision and their battle. I can only be there for emotional support. That is it and I will be clear.
I am positively heartbroken over this.
I feel like she is my mom all over again. My mom resented me. I can't tell you how many times I heard how I ruined her life or was shown her c section scar and told that I did that to her.
I don't have the luxury of being able to stay home with the baby while they work or go to school. I have to work full time. This is what they will have to figure out.
This is their life. Not mine. They will have to live with their choices. I will be sure that baby doesn't suffer. I could never allow that. It didn't ask to be brought into the world.
No offense, do you realize you sound like the mother you resent.
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