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I don't think this is necessarily an issue of the girl being angry with dad or jealous of her sister. It could just be a matter of the bad attitude of a 13-year old which is very typical. She's simply closer to mom for some reason. Like someone said, it could just be chemistry. 13-year olds can be very, very moody. The one word answers and grumpiness is quite typical. My step daughter was like that too. It will get better as she gets older.
You could try writing her a letter to let her know how you feel, that you're hurt and sad that you don't have a better relationship and ask her if there is anything you can do about it. With a letter she can't just block you out like she can if you talk to her and it also gives her an opportunity to absorb your message. It's worth a shot.
I know what happened a year ago. She hit puberty and now is is trying to figure out her role in life, in the family, with her sister, with her mother and especially with her father. Just keep the lines of communication open. Let her know you are there for her. Don't force anything to come to a head like some big emotional conversation. Just slowly let her know you are still very much in her life and always will be and she will probably come around and it just may be a time for a new definition of your relationship. All this does not mean she hates you even though you are very unhappy with how things are.
Her mom and I have had arguments and they have gotten heated at times,
is she really close to her mom? Maybe she's holding a grudge here? Sometimes you can tell the difference between hate and indifference for you.
The above post also makes sense. A female cousin at around that age was a complete mess and pretty much abandoned her family. It took boarding school, etc. for her to finally realize her errors and behavior issues. Now she is very close with her family again and doing very well professionally at 30. There seems to be a lot going on at that young age so just remain open in conversation and keep an eye out for other erratic behavior.
I know what happened a year ago. She hit puberty and now is is trying to figure out her role in life, in the family, with her sister, with her mother and especially with her father. Just keep the lines of communication open. Let her know you are there for her. Don't force anything to come to a head like some big emotional conversation. Just slowly let her know you are still very much in her life and always will be and she will probably come around and it just may be a time for a new definition of your relationship. All this does not mean she hates you even though you are very unhappy with how things are.
Exactly what I was going to suggest.
My daughter got a little shy around her dad after she started her period. It was like she felt like she had changed in some major way and she felt like she should seem different to everyone, but she really wasn't different so her dad was just treating her like her usual self. She got over it pretty quickly, because her dad is her favorite person.
My other kiddo is not at the puberty stage yet, but she's never been as close to her dad as to me. She just doesn't like boys or men very much, even male animals. She's disliked boys since the first time she met any. I've told her that the way she won't talk to her dad unless I insist on it makes me worry, because if something happened to me I would want to know that she was comfortable with her dad, but she says if something happened to me, there's her big sister and her two aunts and her two grandmas who would all be there for her
Of course, I have no idea what's going on, but these two things caught my attention. You may have to give it a while, some 13 year old girls do clam up. Since it's bothering her that much, she might even make something up if really pushed. It's a tough age.
"In fact we used to have a great relationship. I coached her basketball and softball teams for years and we always had a great time. She was my star player and pitcher. She quit playing to focus on track and cross country. (she's nationally ranked in both) and I learned all I could about track and XC just so we could talk about it and i could come to the meets and cheer."
Are you sure she didn't quit basketball and softball because it was starting to get uncomfortable. As they grow older, it isn't easy being the coach's daughter. There could be some leftover tension from her teammates or perhaps just from herself. That's certainly something she would not want to talk about. My girls played sports and I saw this quite a bit.
"Her mom and I have had arguments and they have gotten heated at times"
She very well could have heard something that really really pissed her off. Again, that's something she probably would rather not talk about.
Have you asked her how she feels about you and why?
I'm surprised you haven't brought this up.
That was my very first thought too ! If it were my Daughter that behavior would have lasted about one time and then she and I would be having a very serious conversation. No way in the world would I put up with a 13 year old, who I feed, clothe, and put a roof over, treating me that way. The first words out of my mouth would be "Sit down, you and I are going to talk" and the second words would be " You treat me like crap, what's with that ?" and the last words would be "and it is going to end right now !"
I know people excuse a lot of bad behavior out of kids by saying "They are teens, what do you expect ?" That is absolute BS, I would never let a child of mine, girl or boy, to get away with not being respectful and cordial with me, especially after all that I did for them.
Get some guts about yourself and sit that young lady down and stare her in the eyes and tell her that behavior is over and you want to know why she is treating you like that. I have found a very effective sentence that I have used in similar situations with all kinds of people, it is "I don't treat you this way and I won't accept you treating me this way either." It has always worked for me, try it.
You have to remember who is the adult and who is the boss in these situations, and kids will only get away with what you allow them to get away with. The problem is, you have let her get away with it too long and walked on egg shells. She needs to be called out for acting this way and it needs to end now.
. and the last words would be "and it is going to end right now !"
I would never let a child of mine, girl or boy, to get away with not being respectful and cordial with me, especially after all that I did for them.
Get some guts about yourself and sit that young lady down and stare her in the eyes and tell her that behavior is over and you want to know why she is treating you like that. I have found a very effective sentence that I have used in similar situations with all kinds of people, it is "I don't treat you this way and I won't accept you treating me this way either." It has always worked for me, try it.
You have to remember who is the adult and who is the boss in these situations, and kids will only get away with what you allow them to get away with. The problem is, you have let her get away with it too long and walked on egg shells. She needs to be called out for acting this way and it needs to end now.
Don
You cannot strong arm somebody into showing and even having affection. it doesn't work. You can certainly call them out for being rude and talking back but being cold and distant is an emotion and not something which can be changed just because you demand it.
So you expect your children to show gratitude for all you have done? Forget it. Any parent who expects gratitude is not in touch with reality. Down the line as they mature gratitude is frequently shown but at 13 it should never be expected.
Again, being the boss will not bring about a change in attitude or a show of affection or gratitude. I do believe parents are the boss and too many parents give in to bad behavior because they don't know how to stand up to them. But if you think things will change because you announce you are the boss, you are sadly mistaken. Kids will just do everything they can do to avoid being around "the boss" which can lead to some very dangerous affiliations and situations.
One time when he was 13,my now 32 year old son got mouthy with me and his Dad. I grabbed his arm and got in his face and said "You may hate our guts right now and that is fine but by damn as long as you are living in our house you will learn to fake it and I never want to hear words like that again out of your mouth." In other words I told him he was to be respectful regardless of how angry he was at us. He understood very well what I was saying. Recently we talked about that confrontation and he told me it changed him in an instant. He was happy I stood up to him, defended his father who he was directly his anger to) and stood my ground. I never expected him to have feelings that were not genuine but I did expect him to never act in an inappropriate way again. As parent we can dictate behavior but we cannot dictate feelings.
If you wait until they are in their teens to try to gain their respect you have waited about 12 years too long. It starts at birth, or at least at the age where they start to communicate, and it isn't a "My way or the highway" approach, it is simply that you teach them right from wrong, and it is wrong to act like a spoiled brat........period.
No one in this world ever treated their children better and with more respect than I did with my own two Sons, however, they also knew that they got that treatment and respect because they earned it. When they did good they heard about it, and when they did something not so good they heard about that too.
It isn't rocket science. Everyone makes such a big deal about how hard it is to raise kids. Sorry, it is NOT. It takes unconditional love, tenderness, respect, a willingness to listen to them, and above all, setting an example for them to follow. It really is very simple if you follow those rules, and is the most rewarding job you will ever have.
But I would not put up with them disrespecting me under any circumstances, and that is exactly what the OP Daughter is doing, she is disrespecting him as her Father.
she may be mad at you regarding your wife/her mom...
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It has always worked for me, try it.
