Punishment - 9y old broke neighbor's car window (parent, activities, accidents)
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I feel like I'm a very good dad, constantly putting more importance to love than punishment.
But I also understand the importance of punishment, I just don't want to go overboard.
My 9-year-old son has ADHD and is very impulsive but aside from that he's a very good and caring kid
He was playing in our front yard by himself with some sticks and rocks and for whatever reason threw a rock and hit the side window of our neighbor's SUV and busted it.
Right away he felt bad, told us what he did, offered to give the neighbor all his savings (about $10), etc, etc.
This is the way I punished him: One week - Our middle son (his bestfriend) has to sleep in another room, same room as our toddler, so now he has to sleep alone for one week One week - Has to stay in his room everyday Two weeks - Aside from his regular chores, he has to put dishes in the dishwasher and take them out and put them away everyday One month - No computer, video games, movies or TV.
Does it seem ok? Not enough? Too much?
I think your punishment is inappropriate. Like others have said, I believe the punishment should fit the crime and be applicable to the situation. Also, at his age, a month of punishment is too long.
What I think would be more appropriate, since you say he does feel badly about it, confessed it immediately, etc. is to have him do something FOR that neighbor. He is old enough to do some yard work, for instance. Have him rake leaves in a few weeks, or weed flower beds, or mow - that sort of thing. If that won't work, have him wash the neighbor's car (with your supervision). Come up with something he can do, something that takes HOURS, for that neighbor. IF the neighbor says, "Oh no, that's alright, accidents happen" or something along those lines, like so many nice people might do, explain privately to the neighbor that this is important for your son to learn this lesson and to PLEASE allow him to do something to "atone" for his careless behavior.
I am assuming that you had to pay the deductible, or are out some money on this. You could have him "work off" part of that expense. I did this with my youngest son when he accidently - carelessly - broke one of our garage windows at about the same age. I gave him a weekend project in the yard to "work off" the expense. One Saturday afternoon and he was done with it.
The important lessons in this situation with your son are:
1. Take responsibility for your own actions.
2. "Make good" with your neighbor in situations like this, when you've caused property damage.
3. Accidents cost money. Money doesn't grow on trees. We work to earn the money to pay for our actions. Since you're paying for this, he owes you money. So he needs to work to pay that back.
Of course his work isn't going to be worth $100 or whatever the deductible/cost was, and I wouldn't make him work like a slave for days. But a good, long Saturday afternoon or two? Oh yeah. And maybe you should work alongside him for much of that time - it will give you both a good opportunity to bond and talk some things over.
As for the rest of your punishment ideas - no way. They have no connection to the actual event and are simply "punishment" rather than "disipline." There's a HUGE difference between the two concepts.
Also, all this isolation and long term punishment for a very common boyish occurrence that he came and confessed immediately? No, no, no. Do you think that will encourage him to come and tell you the next time he does something foolish?
Right away he felt bad, told us what he did, offered to give the neighbor all his savings (about $10), etc, etc.
He did all that? And he's nine? Wow. Sounds like this is a kid with a conscious and an awareness that he did something stupid. He's also knew he had to accept responsibility. (That's huge.)
I'd have had him apologize to the neighbor, then stood with my son and the neighbor as they discussed which chores he could have done to help make up for his momentary lunacy. The ten dollars gets forked over to help pay for costs. If you're out of pocket he works that off as well. The punishment should fit the crime. I think your's was way overboard. He broke a window. He didn't take the car for a joy ride. And he didn't reach in and steal an iPod.
Kids break windows. It's just one of the dumb things they do because they're..... kids. Many run. Blame another kid. Lie. Ignore it. Your son fessed up and wanted to right his wrong. I like him!
I feel like I'm a very good dad, constantly putting more importance to love than punishment.
But I also understand the importance of punishment, I just don't want to go overboard.
My 9-year-old son has ADHD and is very impulsive but aside from that he's a very good and caring kid
He was playing in our front yard by himself with some sticks and rocks and for whatever reason threw a rock and hit the side window of our neighbor's SUV and busted it.
Right away he felt bad, told us what he did, offered to give the neighbor all his savings (about $10), etc, etc.
This is the way I punished him: One week - Our middle son (his bestfriend) has to sleep in another room, same room as our toddler, so now he has to sleep alone for one week One week - Has to stay in his room everyday Two weeks - Aside from his regular chores, he has to put dishes in the dishwasher and take them out and put them away everyday One month - No computer, video games, movies or TV.
Does it seem ok? Not enough? Too much?
This is not so complicated - just make the punishment fit the crime.
The kid works odd jobs to earn the amount of money it costs to replace the window.
He also needs to hand write a letter of apology to the car owner.
Letting him know you are proud of him for taking personal responsibility would be a good thing.
If he'd been told before not to go near/play/throw rocks and ignored that warning, I would give him a spanking. I'd also make him pay for the window and he'd be grounded until it was paid for, as well as writing an apology. Now, if this was a one-time first offense, I'd omit the spanking and probably lend him the money to pay for the window and have him work it off at a later time. He'd still have to apologize.
One thing we do with our kids is if they come and tell us before we hear it from elsewhere, the punishment is less severe. We tell them what the punishment would have been if they had not told us, and then give them the less severe punishment. I agree with a previous poster who said not to punish the other brother for what the kid did. I'm also for giving the kid a pardon with good behavior at some point if you think the situation is warranted.
Now wouldbe a good time to explain to your son about the power of consequences. While it's not an act of terror, to quote a previous poster, it was really bad judgement. I teach my son that throwing sticks and rocks is almost always a bad decision unless you're by a river and sometimes not then. I don't think you went overboard, but I also don't think it would be wrong to go to your son and say you're been thinking aboutit and have decided to lessen the punishment and explain why.
The one month no screen time you proposed? That would be appropriate for a kid who took the car keys and went for a joy ride down the street or a kid who got caught cheating on a test or stealing his sister's My Little Pony collection only to cut off their tails and write on them in Magic marker- in other words malicious things- hence my first comment about it not being an act of terror.
Believe me if he is a typical kid he will do worse in the next 10 to 12 years to earn that kind of severe punishment and your wrath than accidentally breaking a window.
I would also add repaying the damages as others have said, and doing chores for the neighbor, or some other "community service"--if appropriate, and if the neighbor wants the help. Not everybody wants the responsibility of your kid as an employee, so don't impose on the "victim" unless you are on appropriately friendly terms.
You might consider reducing the sentence since he "turned himself in" and "plead guilty". I'd be sure to point out both the impact of his responsible actions (reduction from a month to a week of no electronics, from a week to 3 days of confinement maybe) and tell him how proud it made you.
I would not just commute any punishment (save a long-term low-level monetary obligation) because it was "accidental". That might prompt the "accidental" claim for every destructive act in the future.
I would not have him repay the cost of the window, because accidents happen and expenses are incurred as part of living life. I would personally offer to repay for the cost of the window, but I don't think a 9 year old should worry about that.
Instead, the natural consequence is I would have my kid in charge of vacuuming up the debris caused by the broken window. Every last speak of broken glass.
I had a broken window once in my car. I vacuumed the asphalt. Again, and again, and again, and I kept finding glass. So, have him vacuum the driveway three or four times, and have him on his hands and knees looking for specs of broken glass. They can cut feet, and they need to be broken up, but it's really hard. Car window glass keeps shattering into smaller and smaller fragments.
After he vacuums multiple times and continues to find glass, he'll realize what a pain broken windows are.
I feel like I'm a very good dad, constantly putting more importance to love than punishment.
But I also understand the importance of punishment, I just don't want to go overboard.
My 9-year-old son has ADHD and is very impulsive but aside from that he's a very good and caring kid
He was playing in our front yard by himself with some sticks and rocks and for whatever reason threw a rock and hit the side window of our neighbor's SUV and busted it.
Right away he felt bad, told us what he did, offered to give the neighbor all his savings (about $10), etc, etc.
This is the way I punished him: One week - Our middle son (his bestfriend) has to sleep in another room, same room as our toddler, so now he has to sleep alone for one week One week - Has to stay in his room everyday Two weeks - Aside from his regular chores, he has to put dishes in the dishwasher and take them out and put them away everyday One month - No computer, video games, movies or TV.
Does it seem ok? Not enough? Too much?
What is it you are trying to teach your kid? It sure does not sound like responsibility or remedy and amends. Who is paying for the neighbor's window?
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