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While it's possible that he may be "doing something wrong," I don't think it's likely. Kids are paying attention only to themselves. They may not be rejecting him at all, and he may not even be on their radar screens. How would they know he wants to sit with them...or anyone? They may see him alone and thinks he wants to be. He sees it as rejection, but they may not see it any way at all - nothing happened.
It may be very hard for your son, depending on his personality, but he will have to do some reaching out. He may want to start with kids he already knows. He will have to talk to them - have casual conversation. Sit near them. Make eye contact. The important thing is that he communicates to some kids that he is interested and available. That will probably be enough to grease the wheels. Right now they very well may have the impression that he is purposely a loner and has rejected their group(s). He needs to correct that perception.
I would say the most important thing to help your son to understand is that he may have drastically misread what is happening. Since middler schoolers' focus is son intensely on themselves, it is hard for them to understand how very little others are considering them in any way until they are inside their orbit. Even then it is still about how that person is affecting ME. Help him to know that he will have to take some risks and make himself available. Middle school boys are not going to go and find him and bring him in.
Middle school is different from elementary, I agree with everyone that says this and it is a difficult time. Puberty starts in social clicks are more prominent. The kids are looking to see where they fit in. I would not try to change your son what one child sees as annoying another might see as ok. Dwelling on it might just throw him off and make him feel self conscious instead of helping him overcome it. He is probably nervous and it projects onto how he is perceived.
I have met my son's friends and they do some things that I consider to be annoying but I keep quiet. One time his friend told him he was annoying and I was there. I laughed telling him that maybe he feels the same about what they do but he knows not to say something since we all have our differences. They are great friends now. I tell my kids I find my husband annoying at times but I do not tell him, I love him!!!!
I am not their friend, I am trying to help them understand to make it easier. I let them know if someone says they are annoying let the person saying it know well I find certain things you do annoying but I do not want to hurt your feelings like you just did me. We all have annoying attributes unless you are perfect!
While it's possible that he may be "doing something wrong," I don't think it's likely.
I have to respectfully disagree. If other kids are telling him that he is annoying then he is probably doing something they think is annoying. While his annoying behaviors might not be "wrong" they are obviously annoying the other kids. I do think that having a parent talk to a teacher might give the parents some insights into her child's behavior at school. While teachers in middle school typically will not get involved in solving social issues they may be able to give the mother insight into what behaviors the other kids are finding annoying.
Annoying is not usually a matter of right and wrong as much as a function of a child not realizing that his behaviors are perceived as annoying. I think it can be difficult for parents to be objective about their child's behavior but in this case if the parents can pinpoint the specific things their child is doing they may be able to help him adjust better to middle school.
OP I have to disagree with this. By middle school, the teachers and administration don't expect to be teaching the kids social skills, right or wrong. That job is supposed to be done in elementary school. You don't be doing your son any favors with his peers if he winds up with a Mamma's boy, run to the teacher reputation.
HE can work this out with guidance from you.
At my daughter's school, the principal wants kids or parents to talk to the teachers if there are problems like this. He has assigned seats in the cafeteria for the first six weeks so that students are forced to sit with a mix of old and new people. He is an anti-bullying fiend.
I would say as a parent, send an email to his school counselor. Get their advice and input.
At my daughter's school, the principal wants kids or parents to talk to the teachers if there are problems like this. He has assigned seats in the cafeteria for the first six weeks so that students are forced to sit with a mix of old and new people. He is an anti-bullying fiend.
I would say as a parent, send an email to his school counselor. Get their advice and input.
Well I just cannot get with this program. At some point, people have to learn to fight their own battles. Figure socialization themselves.
Sometimes, being "annoying" can be nothing more than wearing uncool clothes and knowing all the answers in class.
It doesn't always have to be something the child is doing that is working everyone'e nerves. Ever notice how many obnoxious people, kids or adults, are also popular? What is annoying in middle school often is in the eye of the beholder because the kids are trying to get in where they fit in. To me, middle school socially is a pain in the butt. Not only do you have kids trying to be the most popular, cool, pretty, talented, etc. But they start encountering teachers that are less nurturing and tolerant of nonsense, and more obnoxious and even more nutty as well. The kids seem like they have to ostracize someone, if for no other reason than self-preservation, and they follow the leaders. So the less savvy kids, the shy kids, and the kids whose hair and/or clothes look funny are targeted.
My oldest started a new middle school this year. He has made friends but has encountered some regular teasing about his hair. He likes to have an afro, but he doesn't want to comb it and keep it looking neat every day. At least he didn't until he started the new school and an "annoying" kid told him about himself. I don't like the constant teasing, but that has been worked out for now (staff became involved).
I have told my son that I don't want to make a habit of running to the school because it wouldn't look good socially, and he needed to handle some situations for himself. To his credit, he has tried to do so. But given that he has special needs, I need to gauge how involved I am.
Now, my youngest starts middle school next year. With the girl drama that has already unfolded in elementary school, I am already trying to prepare myself for the transition.
I'm sorry your son is having a hard time. It's always difficult for us when our kids are hurting. One thing you can do for your son is identify what behaviors your son is engaging in that other kids find annoying. You can help him recognize those behaviors.
I agree with this.
I would encourage him to join some clubs or sports that interest him. If what the other kids find annoying is an abundance of energy, a sport may help him to find a way to harness that energy. If they find the things he likes or expresses to be in issue, a club may help him to find like-minded kids who enjoy the same things that he does.
As a parent, I found middle school to be the most difficult 3 years. Kids are relentless at this age. They are trying their hardest to fit in in their social world, and sometime they do it at the expense of others.
Hugs to you mom. It is so hard to watch your kids hurting and know that you can't just put a band-aide on it to make it better.
My youngest son started middle school this fall. As I was having dinner with him tonight, I began to ask him who he sits with at lunch and how many friends from Elementary he has lots of classes with. We've talked about different classes before but I had never asked about lunch. He told me he sits with different people everyday. When I asked about the old kids he knows from middle school he started getting really quiet and said he didn't sit with them. So I brought up some kids from other Elementary schools that he has had on his baseball teams etc. He said he didn't sit with them either, that he just sits where ever. The more we talked the more visibly upset he got and finally told me that everyone tells him that he is annoying and nobody wants to be around him. As a mother, this tore out my heart. While middle school should be fun and a time to meet new people and make new friends as well as keep old ones, my son feels like he has no friends. I can imagine his sweet little face sitting at any table with a vacancy even if he knows no one at that table and eating alone, being ignored while the entire cafeteria is loud with people enjoying each other. My son finally curled up in bed and cried and all I could do was hold him and tell him how much I loved him. Does ANYONE have any advice for us? My two older sons never had this problem and I want my youngest to be happy and feel liked. What in the world do I do?
and junior high was hell for me. So I know what he is going through.
Hate to say this, Mom, but I think you are part of the problem. You seem to be anxious for him to be a social butterfly. So you are putting your stuff on him and probably creating MORE of a problem than really exists. Did you ever ask him how HE feels about it or did you react based on how it would make YOU feel if it happened to you? Kids will pick up on their parents' anxieties, even if it's not really theirs.
It's not the end of the world. He is probably an introvert and not really all that interested in being outside himself. It's awkward to sit alone but it's not a catastrophe. The other kids are probably reacting to his social discomfort and prefer more outgoing classmates. It doesn't say anything about your son's worth. Social crap is overrated. Go to HuffPo and read that introvert article (you can use the search function). It's very illuminating and inspiring.
I would brainstorm with him on ideas that could take him out of that situation without artificially trying to change things by forcing the other kids to like him, sit with him, etc. Can he go out to lunch? Can he sit in the classroom and eat his lunch and maybe read a book?
At my daughter's school, the principal wants kids or parents to talk to the teachers if there are problems like this. He has assigned seats in the cafeteria for the first six weeks so that students are forced to sit with a mix of old and new people. He is an anti-bullying fiend.
I would say as a parent, send an email to his school counselor. Get their advice and input.
It's great to break up cliques. It allows those who are uncomfortable with mingling not to be left hanging.
It's so humiliating to get picked last for teams or when the teacher tells people to get into pairs, s/he should pick the pairs. Adults can be so clueless sometimes...
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I got teased starting at age 12
