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OP - your GF isn't the first parent to think that they have to discipline a baby, most likely she's been told that by an older relative (grandparent, aunt etc.) and just doesn't know that the general thinking on childrearing is different these days. Maybe you could get her some baby books or point her towards some informative internet pages that discuss dealing with baby behaviour.
She might be overtired from working 6 days a week, make sure she gets some time to herself after work but also make sure you get some time to yourself while she spends time bonding with the baby (and not just changing nappies or feeding time but playing with the baby). Who does the bedtime routine? I think bedtime can be a great way of bonding with your baby and if you are doing the bedtime routine every night thats taking away a good opportunity for your GF to get those bonding moments.
Everyone is missing the fact that she might not want to work less hours. She might prefer not raising the children. Some people aren't cut out for it. I know three different women who never intended to raise their children. Their focus was entirely on their career and being the breadwinner, and their husbands stayed home to raise the children. One even joked, "I give birth to them, and he raises them." That's just who they are. There's nothing wrong with it. It's simply a gender reversal.
Not everyone. I did ask if she was doing this voluntarily, or to bring in more money.
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Someone upthread stated the mom was spending too much time on her kindle. (Can't find the post right now.) I did not get that from the OP; I got that she was playing a game on her kindle, period. Most people need a little time to decompress when they get home from work before it's their "turn" to change a diaper or do whatever.
Last edited by Jaded; 09-22-2013 at 02:21 AM..
Reason: Removed deleted post
Thread reopened. Folks, this thread is not about the OP's living arrangements, age-gaps, job status, or who should financially support whom in a relationship.
He asked about disciplining a 9-month old! Please remember this in your posts.
Here's what I think about the wiggly 9 month old/discipline vs soothing issue:
You're both a little right and a little wrong. There's nothing wrong with talking to a nine month old in a firm voice (NOT yelling and certainly not cussing or verbally abusing) when you're trying to teach the child how to behave. Something like this:
Parent in sweet, soft voice: "Be still, sweetie! Mommy needs to get you cleaned up." Meanwhile, parent reaches for a Beanie Baby.
Baby: (wiggle wiggle twist turn)
Parent, in lower, serious voice: "Olivia. Be still." (Holds Beanie Baby in front of Olivia) "Oh, my - look who I found! Peek a boo!"
Parent quickly finishes diaper change while Olivia inspects the toy.
No "soothing" - as in rocking, stroking hair, cooing, petting, etc. should be in order in the above scenario and in fact, I wouldn't recommend it. There's nothing unreasonable about a quick, efficient, and thorough diaper change and it's not unreasonable to train a baby to realize that you expect her to be a little less rambunctious when you're changing her. It's along the lines of expecting a baby to learn to be still when you're buckling the car seat, or not to knock food off the high chair tray repeatedly and intentionally. We do have to start EARLY teaching them how to behave. But it needs to be in a calm, repetitive manner - and we need to employ smart parenting tactics like DISTRACTING a little one in addition to calmly instructing (in this case with a lower, calm but firm tone of voice).
If you swoop in and start petting all over the baby while your girlfriend is trying to accomplish a very reasonable goal (changing a poopy diaper), then you're undermining her authority. All I think you should have done was distract the baby for a few seconds while your girlfriend finished up doing the dirty work.
Then after the baby was put down for a nap, you needed to calmly and MATURELY bring up the topic - probably by saying something along the lines of "You've got a lot on your plate and I bet it can really be frustrating to deal with a squirmy, energetic baby on top of it all! Need a neck rub?" Then as you're rubbing her neck, you can say, "I think you're right to realize that training a baby starts from Day One. You know what I was thinking, though? I was thinking that distracting her when she's wiggling around while you're changing her might work. Have you tried that?"
SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND. Build a bridge to approach the conversation. This is a very loaded topic - you're questioning her ability to be a good parent. Approach with caution!
After the right tone is set, that's the time to discuss that it's never appropriate to yell at a small child. Does she do this often? This has got to be addressed, but it's very important to determine whether this is a habit, or if she was yelling because she's overwhelmed and chronically frustrated. If it's a habit, she's picked it up somewhere (probably from one of her parents), and she's simply got to change that behavior. But I would bet that she's stretched to the limit of her patience - and if that's the case, then YOU need to modify some of YOUR behavior in order to relieve some of her tension.
Heck, if I worked six days a week, and my spouse stayed home with the baby, I'll be damned if I'd have any patience if he said, "Your turn to change the diaper!" Turn? Really?
And I suspect that both of you probably need to limit your "game time." However, your girlfriend definitely deserves some time to decompress and relieve some stress, and you're the one who needs to encourage this and give her some time each day to do so - without worrying about whose turn it is to change a poopy diaper.
I absolutely LOVE this post and am in 100% agreement!
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
....
Regardless of why mom reacted the way she did, it's just not appropriate to discipline a baby.
....
Only disagreement you'll get from me is the use of the discipline. Because smiling back at a baby smiling at you is a form of discipline. All consequences are discipline.
So if I substitute the word "punishment" or "aversive" into your statement (which is what I believe you intended), then I am in 100% agreement with you - as usual.
Babies cannot yet reason the way we expect - in this case, this infant would probably misinterpret the scolding to be for her wiggly behavior - and not just the inappropriateness of the wiggly behavior AT THE MOMENT. We WANT this baby to have the wigglies and squigglies, just not during diaper changing. So that is why the "distraction" method of discipline will work. We can then reward the staying still behavior with praise, smiles, and hugs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiana
A 9 mo old should not be disciplined beyond a "No" on occasion.
Succinct - yet not correct. Se my post above. ALL children should receive discipline from the moment of birth. A baby cries, it is picked up and cuddled = discipline. A baby coos and receives a smile and a coo in return = discipline.
Discipline is not a negative - it is a teaching of consequences for behavior. Positive behavior elicits a positive consequence or reward; negative = negative consequence which may simply be the absence of a positive. It is simply discipline.
As for doing things exactly the same - hell no. Children do learn that parents are different and that's a good thing.
^^It depends on what your definition of "discipline" is, I guess. Discipline in the generally accepted sense is different from teaching. Please don't bore me with the "disciple" talk; I've heard it before.
You certainly stretched my few words to get to your last point.
I think it's very important to differentiate in definition and in actions between discipline and punishment. Discipline can be used to teach even infants, but no infant should ever be punished or yelled at.
Rereading the OP, it doesn't sound like the mother was actually yelling at the baby.
I absolutely LOVE this post and am in 100% agreement!
Only disagreement you'll get from me is the use of the discipline. Because smiling back at a baby smiling at you is a form of discipline. All consequences are discipline.
So if I substitute the word "punishment" or "aversive" into your statement (which is what I believe you intended), then I am in 100% agreement with you - as usual.
Babies cannot yet reason the way we expect - in this case, this infant would probably misinterpret the scolding to be for her wiggly behavior - and not just the inappropriateness of the wiggly behavior AT THE MOMENT. We WANT this baby to have the wigglies and squigglies, just not during diaper changing. So that is why the "distraction" method of discipline will work. We can then reward the staying still behavior with praise, smiles, and hugs.
Succinct - yet not correct. Se my post above. ALL children should receive discipline from the moment of birth. A baby cries, it is picked up and cuddled = discipline. A baby coos and receives a smile and a coo in return = discipline.
Discipline is not a negative - it is a teaching of consequences for behavior. Positive behavior elicits a positive consequence or reward; negative = negative consequence which may simply be the absence of a positive. It is simply discipline.
As for doing things exactly the same - hell no. Children do learn that parents are different and that's a good thing.
Well said, and I completely agree with your word substitution in my post, thanks
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