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This is a LITTLE GIRL. My goodness, she's not even 4! Children pick up on the parents' energetic currents. Sorry but it's true. Even if parents don't fight in front of the kids, they will sense if you are not getting along.
This woman used strong language to describe her frustration. Saying the F-word is also not very nice for a mother to do in relation to her daughter.
Did it ever occur to you that your daughter is trying to get sympathy or warmth from you? Are you insensitive to her needs? Needs are not just food, water and shelter. We have emotional needs, too! How is your relationship with your partner?
Whining is a predictable part of that stage of development. Kids that age are learning to manipulate their worlds and whining is one way of doing that. It doesn't reflect badly on the parent or mean anything is amiss with the kid's emotional health. A kid that age whining doesn't necessarily mean the kid is even in a bad mood at that moment, just that she or he is trying to get something and is trying out a strategy for doing so. A kid this age whining is like a a toddler saying "no." It's just a thing they try out. An irritating thing, but a normal thing.
The important thing for the parent to do is establish, without rancor, that it's an ineffective strategy for manipulation. In this thread people have had many good suggestions to the OP for how she can do so.
I didn't tolerate any of that BS with my daughter when she was little. Not one bit. She continues to do it because she's getting a reaction from you. When she says "I have a boooo boooo". Just ignore her and walk away (if she's not really hurt). If she whines "i want juuuuuiiiiice". Ignore her and walk away. Tell her she can speak like a big girl if she wants something and that you will not speak to her if she whines.
As for the selfish brat behavior? Not happening. When she starts the "my pilllloooooowww" crap just take the pillow from her, look her straight in the eye, and tell her "STOP" in a firm, no nonsense voice. She'll get the hint.
My daughter tried to pull this crap ONCE. We were in a store. She wanted a balloon. I said no..... she proceeds to throw herself on the floor whining that she wanted a balloooooon. Okay, I grabbed her by the ankle and simply started dragging her in the aisle I needed to go to to get my items. She stopped; I let her stand up and told her I will NOT tolerate that nonsense EVER AGAIN. She never did it again. She was around 4 at the time as well.
Four years old is old enough to understand. If you give in to this crap now, watch out later on because it will only get worse and worse.
I don't know where she got it but I think it was around when I had her in daycare for 7 months (I'm a SAHM now). She'll be 4 Dec 1st. And I swear to you this kid can't ask for juice without it being a whine. She so much as brushes the counter with her arm "I have a booooo booooooooo" . Honest I hate to say it but she's a whiney cry baby! Every single action sets her off. I watch her cousin during the day who's 2 and If she even takes her pillow off her bed "my pillllooowwwwww" which then starts a "fake" crying fit. My husband works nights so I'm alone all day dealing with this cause he has to sleep, then alone all night while he works 6 days a week. I just put her down for bed and go in my room and cry.
I've tried ignorin it, time outs, distraction, yelling. I mean it's getting to the point where I feel like I just hate my life. Like this is it, a whining f***ing kid all day every day .. What do I do, how do I stop this. I don't know if it's part of the "my phase" we are in, "my tv, my bathtub, my mommy" but it had to end... It has to...
Tell her you cannot understand her when she is whining and IGNORE her, seriously, walk away and ignore her. Don't acknowledge her until she can stop whining and talk to you like a little girl.
I really empathize with you, being a grandfather with two grown children and a three year old grandson. First of all, ignore Dr. Phil-my-name-is-mud. He has a lot of gall, trying to put a guilt trip on you. No licensed counselor or psychologist would ever presume to make, without knowing you, the type of judgements he implies by his/her "suggestions". You provided all the information that should have been needed Moderator Cut with your reply She's not in daycare anymore and hasn't been for almost a year... I mother her all day everyday to the point of exhaustion... Moderator Cut.
You have a lot of others here who have given excellent advice, the key points of which I am in agreement (with the exception of dragging or abandoning children in supermarket aisles). Clearly communicate to your daughter that you won't respond to whining, while explaining what you expect and will respond to. As others have said, this will take time and will never be 100% effective. You must somehow find the strength to persevere in this. It will also take the commitment of your husband to the approach as well as agreement to support and not second guess each other's decisions on your daughter's requests/demands.
As an aside, don't be defensive about daycare. I don't have a clue as to where Oleg Bach was coming from with the comment It is not natural to separate infants from their mothers and fathers and put them in day care. A soon-to-be four year old is not an infant, and most educators support the value of pre-school at or near this age. My grandson spends 3-4 days a week in daycare, and is eager to go there. The day care providers have a great educational program, the children are well supervised, and he is learning great social skills. He also spends a lot of time with his extended family, both on his mother and father's side, so my daughter and her husband (both of whom work) can make their time with him truly (insert cliche) "quality time".
Best of luck to you, and continue to reach out to others for help and advice. You not alone.
I sense a bit of desperation in the end of your posting. If you feel depressed on an ongoing basis, I strongly encourage you to seek professional advice/help. It's covered under most health plans. There are many well known, successful people who have benefited from such help and are now strong proponents of it.
Last edited by Jaded; 09-27-2013 at 10:47 PM..
Reason: Rude/flaming
BTW, my grandson is not immune to whining and tantrums, but they usually come when he is over-tired. My daughter's approach is exactly the above. She calmly tells her son that she will not talk to him until he calms down and speaks in a normal tone, and then ignores him, sometimes combined with a time out. She is also certain that Grandpa follows the plan when he is around. I'm very proud of my daughter, she achieved a Masters in Education from Stanford, and is now a Middle School teacher.
Okay, I don't have kids but I am sensing that your attitude towards your life is somehow being manifested in your daughter. I also feel that you might be a bit resistant to being a SAHM.
Your vibrations are sensed by others. Young children are incredibly perceptive. If you are resentful about being at home or torn about whether you want to or not, you will give out an energy of discontent that your daughter picks up.
I am also concerned about how you framed this whole situation. I sense more of a hostility to her needs rather than simple irritation or concern for her behavior. What I believe is that parents who are cold or otherwise indifferent to their child's needs, the child picks up on that and becomes more clingy, babyish, or otherwise dependent.
I really agree with the bold statement above.
My Girlfriend is a bit on the cold/indifferent side when it comes to her son's needs and it has actually resulted in very clingy and babyish behavior in her 7 year old.
oh and the post someone mentioned that cartoon Calliou......my boy watched that constantly when he was about 3 years old and yes the whiny behavior of the character in the show really rubbed off on him for a while. Luckily he stopped watching and the whining sorta stopped......sorta.
You have a lot of others here who have given excellent advice, the key points of which I am in agreement (with the exception of dragging or abandoning children in supermarket aisles). .
I think you need to re=read my post. I didn't "abandon" her in a supermarket aisle. She threw herself on the floor; I grabbed her ankle and pulled her along. Rather than make a bigger scene by getting down on her level and attempting to make her stand up where it would have been more of a scene, I simply made it clear that I wasn't going to join the circus and beg her to get up or yell or anything else. What I did WORKED and she NEVER tried that crap ever again. She got the message loud and clear. No whiney behavior or tantrums since. She embarassed herself and knew I wasn't going to tolerate the behavior. Simple.
Whining aside, it can pay off to think about laying on some positive attention to head off the feeling that precipitates the whining.
There were times when I was able to predict the whining would start that I would Smother my child with positive attention on my own terms BEFORE it started. I'm not saying I gave in or gave positive attention for negative behaviors. But some extra snuggling in the morning could tighten our bond, fill up her bucket of good feelings and prevent bad feelings in the afternoon when she is tired.
If you can see what situations (such as transitions, over tired, too much time in a crowd, too much time being expected to entertain herself) will cause a whine-fest, you can learn to prevent those in the first place.
Thanks guys I'm still around and keeping with the "I don't understand you when you whine" . It's only been a day or so but I've stuck to my guns and said it then walked away to continue dinner/laundry etc.
I didn't have time to read everything (maybe when she's asleep) but for now to answer a few quick threads
- I became a SAHM after my daughters arm was dislocated at daycare when she was yanked. I was never called and we didn't know how long she went with it like that.
-I don't surf FB/web all day , I'm taking care of two children's needs.. I can barely find time to pee.
-my suspicion on the whining makes me wonder if some of it is also a bit of a reverting behavior. My niece is 2 years younger and still cries at times and whines because she's not completely verbal enough to communicate. This could perhaps be a learned behavior.
Thank u to the supportive ones , like I sai when I have more time I can read more posts .
Amisi: The "abandon" comment was actually in reference to yesterday's post at 3:15 pm from Cindersslipper who said: He would throw them in a shop, usually, when I had said No. I would just walk away and let him lay there. My parenthetical comment was probably superfluous in any case, as both her and your actions were in response to specific situations, and my recommendations were for the general overall approach supported by numerous commentators. My terms were also perhaps a bit harsh, and I apologize for that.
MountainGuy: You indicated agreement with the statement ...parents who are cold or otherwise indifferent to their child's needs, the child picks up on that and becomes more clingy, babyish, or otherwise dependent.
I disagree with this statement if broadly applied, as the science is clear only in relatively extreme cases. What I really object to is that by implication we impugne the mother seeking help in this case. There is no evidence to indicate she is either cold or indifferent (as she says I mother her all day everyday to the point of exhaustion). Absent such evidence, we are being a bit cruel to so imply. It seems to me the primary purpose of this thread should be to support her with helpful suggestions, not to engage in general behavioral science discussions.
Last edited by Mmarrkk; 09-27-2013 at 09:30 AM..
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