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Well, when you decided to have children you made a lifetime commitment. Just because the father cant be bothered isnt an excuse for you to give up on them now too because youre "tired and stressed". If you made them your first priorities and helped them to become self-sufficient then you might get a little relief soon for "you time." Have you tried sitting down and talking with your kids on what they would like from you and make clear and consistent rules to what you expect from them? Maybe if you all worked together on these problems (without the boyfriend!) then maybe something productive would come from it...and if your boyfriend was a worthy man then he would understand and want your children to come first.
You sound awfully judgmental. If you think sounding like Dr. Laura is helpful it ain't. Moderator Cut
Last edited by Jaded; 09-30-2013 at 11:42 PM..
Reason: Argumentative
Spending so many of your evenings with the BF (and where/what are the kids doing during these evenings?) is not really putting the kids first.
I agree, spend weekend mornings with BF and save most of the prime time evenings for family stuff.
Sometimes, they are at a family friend's house, other times they are home. It depends. They, usually, spend the summer with their grandmother where the rules are, extremely, lax.
And, even when I went back to school in my 30s, I struggled with that last bit at the end of each term . Even after a lifetime of practice, it would take me a couple weeks to get back my own intrinsic motivation to do stuff.
And he may not have had the chance to develop that as an adult, ever. But he will need it for college! It's much less structured than high schoool, and there are many more distractions... and no-one reminding him to study .
Maybe talk to him about this, in a supportive way. Talk about how he is now out of the child role of people telling him what to do, and it's time to develop and practice the adult skill of deciding for himself what needs to be done, and how to do it, and working on it every day and not wasting a lot of time.
Yes, and add to this life skills! I ended up dropping out, temporarily, of college because I found it overwhelming to learn how to manage relations with a landlord, laundry and grocery runs, cooking, utilities, vehicle repairs, etc. and go to school -- and I did grow up in a family where we kids did a lot! But it turns out that helping with the shopping and laundry and cooking when someone else decides it needs to be done is very different from being in charge of it alone. Tell him my story, and get him to practice . He can be in charge of groceries for the family, maybe, and cooking 2 nights a week. With much praise.
Good point .
I don't completely agree, though, with folks who seem to be saying that the bf is not a high priority. After all, my main home on CD is the relationships forum .
It's tough to balance all this stuff. But having your kids see you in a healthy relationship is extremely important for their development. You don't want to inadvertently teach them that it's ok to treat sweeties badly or as disposable.... or to accept such treatment. And the same with pets.
My pets are here, I just informed the 16 y.o that if she wants to keep them (which she will AND I would not give them away I would take care of them ) SHE needs to help and not bully the 19 y.o into doing everything for her....that's their dynamic and it needs to stop.
He is a little behind courtesy of what we been through. I won't go into detail other than we left their father who was extremely controlling and we were homeless as a result, so it's been a matter of "survival" mode(meaning worrying about the basics, housing etc. getting a job being self sufficient), and, now, we are,barely, getting out of "survival" mode.
Last edited by FlowerPower00; 09-29-2013 at 11:26 AM..
He is a little behind courtesy of what we been through. I won't go into detail other than we left their father who was extremely controlling and we were homeless as a result, so it's been a matter of "survival" mode(meaning worrying about the basics, housing etc. getting a job being self sufficient), and, now, we are,barely, getting out of "survival" mode.
Congratulations
And I think it's wonderful that you all have reacted to this tough time by becoming closer, and a team.
One thing to consider is that kids are not more resilient than adults; they just seem like it sometimes because they repress feelings they do not know what to do with.
Your kids, and you, have been through a traumatic experience. Or a series of them. Being a kid living with an extremely controlling parent is more similar than you might imagine to being kidnapped by a stranger, in its psychological effects. In both cases, the kid is unable to escape, and there is a mix of genuine (but very messed up) affection and crazy control.
To me, this puts a very different spin on your 19 year old's lack of doing stuff. Imagine he had been kidnapped and held prisomenr for several years, until you got him out. He'd be entitled to year on the couch, recovering mentally, yes? And the same thing with the 16 year old's bullying. She is just trying to cope with the mess in her brain.
Can you get your kids and yourself some trauma counseling? It is often free. Start at the local women's center, maybe.
This might be more important to your kids' future than resume building and taking care of pets.
And I think it's wonderful that you all have reacted to this tough time by becoming closer, and a team.
One thing to consider is that kids are not more resilient than adults; they just seem like it sometimes because they repress feelings they do not know what to do with.
Your kids, and you, have been through a traumatic experience. Or a series of them. Being a kid living with an extremely controlling parent is more similar than you might imagine to being kidnapped by a stranger, in its psychological effects. In both cases, the kid is unable to escape, and there is a mix of genuine (but very messed up) affection and crazy control.
To me, this puts a very different spin on your 19 year old's lack of doing stuff. Imagine he had been kidnapped and held prisomenr for several years, until you got him out. He'd be entitled to year on the couch, recovering mentally, yes? And the same thing with the 16 year old's bullying. She is just trying to cope with the mess in her brain.
Can you get your kids and yourself some trauma counseling? It is often free. Start at the local women's center, maybe.
This might be more important to your kids' future than resume building and taking care of pets.
Yes, the genuine affection and the controlling behavior is puzzling. Dear daughter and I are in cognitive behavioral therapy. Dear son WAS but he was discharged as the therapist felt he made great progress. I will write more later. I thank the people who have been helpful on this thread: pointing out my weaknesses without making me feel worse than I already do.
Yes, the genuine affection and the controlling behavior is puzzling. Dear daughter and I are in cognitive behavioral therapy. Dear son WAS but he was discharged as the therapist felt he made great progress.
Awesome!
CBT is a good place to begin therapy, but maybe DS is ready to 'graduate' from it into more focused trauma therapy. Which is tough stuff, very effective, but very scary when you are in it. Be gentle with him when he gets home.
CBT is a good place to begin therapy, but maybe DS is ready to 'graduate' from it into more focused trauma therapy. Which is tough stuff, very effective, but very scary when you are in it. Be gentle with him when he gets home.
I will, certainly, look into the trauma therapy. There were times the kids had visitation with their father and I was not there to protect them. It was awful, one visit their father undid all the progress we were making. I am grateful he moved out of state and, really, has little contact with them.
On the other hand I am angry (at their father) about being the only parent...raising children, alone, is a challenge. I DO have some great friends and my mother helps, but it is so maddening, at times.
I won't join in the criticism against you OP. The fact that you recognize there is a problem, and are looking for advice is huge. I do think kids should be able to sleep in on the weekends, and I do think both kids need to consider their future plans, but you are working on that.
I also think you are entitled to a life outside of the teens. It won't be long until they're both out of the house, and they are old enough to understand you need adult time. I wonder if their complaints are really masking concern for you. I can see that with my recently divorced friend's children. They complain if she sees her boyfriend, but her son admitted he likes the guy, he just doesn't want to see his mother hurt again. It took some heart to heart digging to find out his real objections.
I, often, solicit advice from City-Data forums due to the diverse population.
Please, help as I am frustrated.
I have two teenagers under my roof and I am a single mom. Both children share the same father, this "father" cannot be bothered to be involved. They get an occasional card phone call, etc.
Both children, teens, have complained, vehemently, that I do not spend enough time with them. Yes, I have a boyfriend and I do spend time with the boyfriend.
HOWEVER, my teens have an awful habit of staying up all night, and virtually, sleeping all day. Right now, today, I have awoken at 7 a.m only to find they are sleeping.
I have told them, numerous, times I am awake, we can go to Tractor Supply, go for a hike etc yet they are still sleeping.
I realize guilt has played a large role in their interactions with me. I just don't know what to do!!!
P.S 19 y.o just woke up at 11:00 a.m and has a backpack ready for our hike.
My advice as a mom? Tell your boyfriend you need more time with your kids -- then give them more time with you. It's quite normal for teens to sleep all hours like that -- ask any pediatrician.
Also, I grew up in a single parent household and I will tell you this -- my mother never put her boyfriends in front of or over my brother and I. NEVER. She remained single for a very long time because she set some personal priorities for herself and her family which was: I only have so much time in a day/week as a single parent because I work and have to tend to my kids... so... dating and having a personal social life was clearly not as big of a priority to her than her kids.
If your boyfriend is a decent man, he will understand, give you more time with your children and still be there for you. A good man would do that.
My advice as a mom? Tell your boyfriend you need more time with your kids -- then give them more time with you. It's quite normal for teens to sleep all hours like that -- ask any pediatrician.
Also, I grew up in a single parent household and I will tell you this -- my mother never put her boyfriends in front of or over my brother and I. NEVER. She remained single for a very long time because she set some personal priorities for herself and her family which was: I only have so much time in a day/week as a single parent because I work and have to tend to my kids... so... dating and having a personal social life was clearly not as big of a priority to her than her kids.
If your boyfriend is a decent man, he will understand, give you more time with your children and still be there for you. A good man would do that.
Good luck.
Yes, I work and I completed my degree while leaving their father. I attempt to be productive. It's not just about the boyfriend. In fact, when we first left him(their father) we did many neat things such as: became a member of the local wildlife refuge and built duck boxes blue bird boxes etc. When I couldn't arrange child care they came and sat with me in my college classes, volunteered at the local animal shelter, learned about equine assisted learning, became members of the rabbit club, (when, we, finally got housing)brought our rabbits to the nursing homes etc. We did some other things that just don't come to mind right now, but I do know all this happened during some horrid, horrid times.
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Moderator Cut
. Even after a lifetime of practice, it would take me a couple weeks to get back my own intrinsic motivation to do stuff. 
. 
