Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Seconding the posts that say teens sleeping late is biological, and see the bf in the mornings.
I think it's awesome that your teens want more time with you! That's pretty dang rare, seems to me. Get it while you can .
Because of all we have been through we are close! My 19 y.o is headed off to college NEXT August so he can go to college with his best friend. In the meantime, he needs to focus.
Today, we all went to a local farm stand, it's our yearly thing etc.bought pumpkins and gabbed with the farmers about how bad of a season it was. Visited a friend who had a baby a week ago, and dear son and I went on a five mile hike with family friends. Dear daughter stayed behind. BUT later tonight we made beer bread, it came out pretty well.
I, only, spent an hour with my boyfriend.
Last edited by FlowerPower00; 09-28-2013 at 09:34 PM..
I, often, solicit advice from City-Data forums due to the diverse population.
Please, help as I am frustrated.
I have two teenagers under my roof and I am a single mom. Both children share the same father, this "father" cannot be bothered to be involved. They get an occasional card phone call, etc.
Both children, teens, have complained, vehemently, that I do not spend enough time with them. Yes, I have a boyfriend and I do spend time with the boyfriend.
HOWEVER, my teens have an awful habit of staying up all night, and virtually, sleeping all day. Right now, today, I have awoken at 7 a.m only to find they are sleeping.
I have told them, numerous, times I am awake, we can go to Tractor Supply, go for a hike etc yet they are still sleeping.
I realize guilt has played a large role in their interactions with me. I just don't know what to do!!!
P.S 19 y.o just woke up at 11:00 a.m and has a backpack ready for our hike.
So spend the time with your kids that they are requesting. Since when does a random boyfriend supersede two kids asking for their mother's attention? You can NOT get this time back with them.
Now once you put it on them to come up with a schedule of stuff they want to do, or whatever, see if they mean it.
And 7AM is not sleeping all day. Sounds like the whole house needs a shake up ALL of you. PRIORITIES?
Oh, good. 11 is very reasonable for a 19 yo boy to be "ready".
Stay focused and engaged. The BF is NOT a priority.
I, often, solicit advice from City-Data forums due to the diverse population.
Please, help as I am frustrated.
I have two teenagers under my roof and I am a single mom. Both children share the same father, this "father" cannot be bothered to be involved. They get an occasional card phone call, etc.
Both children, teens, have complained, vehemently, that I do not spend enough time with them. Yes, I have a boyfriend and I do spend time with the boyfriend.
HOWEVER, my teens have an awful habit of staying up all night, and virtually, sleeping all day. Right now, today, I have awoken at 7 a.m only to find they are sleeping.
I have told them, numerous, times I am awake, we can go to Tractor Supply, go for a hike etc yet they are still sleeping.
I realize guilt has played a large role in their interactions with me. I just don't know what to do!!!
P.S 19 y.o just woke up at 11:00 a.m and has a backpack ready for our hike.
I think expecting your teens to be up at 7 am if they are not going to school is unrealistic. 11 am isn't that late, it certainly isn't too late to take a hike or do something.
My 19 y.o just graduated. He DOES play video games an awful lot. I am taking the cord to his XBox or whatever that is for three weeks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlowerPower00
I just told the both of them what I expect and if my expectations are NOT MET I will turn off the internet service and find homes for the pets.
These aren't motivational threats for young adults, these are threats that build resentment. They may work temporarily, but don't build character or intrinsic motivation. Plus, threatening to get rid of pets if your kids don't behave the way you want is just cruel. (If pets are genuinely neglected, that's one thing, but it sounds more like you are doing this because the kids are being a bit sassy and lazy. Well, if you're gone four nights a week for all of prime-time hours, you're not exactly setting them an example of how to be a carer.)
Honestly, younger kid sounds normal to me. As others have said, sleeping in on weekends is ordinary for a kid who has school all week. It's easy for a teen to make a sleep deficit if they're getting up early for school on weekdays.
If the older kid is going off to college next August this is a great time for him to do some preparation for that. Talk to him about what his goals for himself are. Work or an internship/volunteering will start building a resume, and he could sharpen his academic skills and get some prereqs out of the way by taking a few classes online or at community college. It is easy for a kid this age to drag butt because it's a huge life transition, and because all of a sudden they have tons of unstructured time whereas their whole lives used to be scheduled for them. And things that seem intuitive to adults with a lifetime of experience under their belts are new to teens. I would advise you to not just tell the kid to get a move on, but to actually sit down with him and help him do things like seek out resume builders, check out college course catalogs and enroll, apply for jobs, etc. Don't do the work for him, but do be supportive and give logistical support.
It will also help if you are 100% explicit about what you expect the kids to do around the house, better yet if you work with them to choose together who will do what. Instructions like "do more to help!" are recipes for frustration for everyone. You might divide up tasks amongst yourselves...this one is responsible for laundry, this one is responsible for yard work, etc., or you might take turns. It would not hurt to put yourself on that list, as well. I know that as the adult you know how much you do to keep the house running, but a lot of that is "invisible" to kids, and if they are already feeling aggravated about the time you spend away, it's easy for teens to think of themselves as comparatively overburdened and therefore act out passively through laziness.
These aren't motivational threats for young adults, these are threats that build resentment. They may work temporarily, but don't build character or intrinsic motivation. Plus, threatening to get rid of pets if your kids don't behave the way you want is just cruel. (If pets are genuinely neglected, that's one thing, but it sounds more like you are doing this because the kids are being a bit sassy and lazy. Well, if you're gone four nights a week for all of prime-time hours, you're not exactly setting them an example of how to be a carer.)
Honestly, younger kid sounds normal to me. As others have said, sleeping in on weekends is ordinary for a kid who has school all week. It's easy for a teen to make a sleep deficit if they're getting up early for school on weekdays.
If the older kid is going off to college next August this is a great time for him to do some preparation for that. Talk to him about what his goals for himself are. Work or an internship/volunteering will start building a resume, and he could sharpen his academic skills and get some prereqs out of the way by taking a few classes online or at community college. It is easy for a kid this age to drag butt because it's a huge life transition, and because all of a sudden they have tons of unstructured time whereas their whole lives used to be scheduled for them. And things that seem intuitive to adults with a lifetime of experience under their belts are new to teens. I would advise you to not just tell the kid to get a move on, but to actually sit down with him and help him do things like seek out resume builders, check out college course catalogs and enroll, apply for jobs, etc. Don't do the work for him, but do be supportive and give logistical support.
It will also help if you are 100% explicit about what you expect the kids to do around the house, better yet if you work with them to choose together who will do what. Instructions like "do more to help!" are recipes for frustration for everyone. You might divide up tasks amongst yourselves...this one is responsible for laundry, this one is responsible for yard work, etc., or you might take turns. It would not hurt to put yourself on that list, as well. I know that as the adult you know how much you do to keep the house running, but a lot of that is "invisible" to kids, and if they are already feeling aggravated about the time you spend away, it's easy for teens to think of themselves as comparatively overburdened and therefore act out passively through laziness.
I appreciate your post. I agree kids struggle during this life transition! Logistical support makes sense-he has the number to a youth job counselor. Specifics, makes sense as well.
Last edited by FlowerPower00; 09-29-2013 at 08:50 AM..
So the boyfriend gets prime-middle of the week evening time but you expect teenagers to get up at 7:00am on Saturdays for your family time together?
Simple solution: Schedule the boyfriend for the 7:00am Saturday morning time slot and spend your evenings with your kids. Tell him he has to be there at 7 on.the.dot and tell him he has 4 hours of your time because you and the kids are bonding. And let the kids know what you've told him.
Excellent advice -- but what if the boyfriend prefers to sleep until noon?
Kids have to come first -- the time with them is running out fast and there will be plenty of time for boyfriends in a few years.
Excellent advice -- but what if the boyfriend prefers to sleep until noon?
Kids have to come first -- the time with them is running out fast and there will be plenty of time for boyfriends in a few years.
Boyfriend is harvesting potatoes, (early, early, morning event) and (when he is not harvesting potatoes or working)I have invited both kids to come to the movies with boyfriend and I. I have, always, placed the kids first and have done this by myself for most of their lives. Their father cannot be bothered to care. I have to admit, I am tired and stressed from doing this by myself.
Boyfriend is harvesting potatoes, (early, early, morning event) and (when he is not harvesting potatoes or working)I have invited both kids to come to the movies with boyfriend and I. I have, always, placed the kids first and have done this by myself for most of their lives. Their father cannot be bothered to care. I have to admit, I am tired and stressed from doing this by myself.
Well, when you decided to have children you made a lifetime commitment. Just because the father cant be bothered isnt an excuse for you to give up on them now too because you're "tired and stressed". If you made them your first priorities and helped them to become self-sufficient then you might get a little relief soon for "you time." Moderator Cut. Have you tried sitting down and talking with your kids on what they would like from you and make clear and consistent rules to what you expect from them? Maybe if you all worked together on these problems (without the boyfriend!) then maybe something productive would come from it...and if your boyfriend was a worthy man then he would understand and want your children to come first.
Last edited by Jaded; 09-30-2013 at 11:43 PM..
Reason: Argumentative/Personal Attack
Spending so many of your evenings with the BF (and where/what are the kids doing during these evenings?) is not really putting the kids first.
I agree, spend weekend mornings with BF and save most of the prime time evenings for family stuff.
If the older kid is going off to college next August this is a great time for him to do some preparation for that. Talk to him about what his goals for himself are. Work or an internship/volunteering will start building a resume, and he could sharpen his academic skills and get some prereqs out of the way by taking a few classes online or at community college. It is easy for a kid this age to drag butt because it's a huge life transition, and because all of a sudden they have tons of unstructured time whereas their whole lives used to be scheduled for them.
Yes!
And, even when I went back to school in my 30s, I struggled with that last bit at the end of each term . Even after a lifetime of practice, it would take me a couple weeks to get back my own intrinsic motivation to do stuff.
And he may not have had the chance to develop that as an adult, ever. But he will need it for college! It's much less structured than high schoool, and there are many more distractions... and no-one reminding him to study .
Maybe talk to him about this, in a supportive way. Talk about how he is now out of the child role of people telling him what to do, and it's time to develop and practice the adult skill of deciding for himself what needs to be done, and how to do it, and working on it every day and not wasting a lot of time.
Quote:
And things that seem intuitive to adults with a lifetime of experience under their belts are new to teens. I would advise you to not just tell the kid to get a move on, but to actually sit down with him and help him do things like seek out resume builders, check out college course catalogs and enroll, apply for jobs, etc. Don't do the work for him, but do be supportive and give logistical support.
Yes, and add to this life skills! I ended up dropping out, temporarily, of college because I found it overwhelming to learn how to manage relations with a landlord, laundry and grocery runs, cooking, utilities, vehicle repairs, etc. and go to school -- and I did grow up in a family where we kids did a lot! But it turns out that helping with the shopping and laundry and cooking when someone else decides it needs to be done is very different from being in charge of it alone. Tell him my story, and get him to practice . He can be in charge of groceries for the family, maybe, and cooking 2 nights a week. With much praise.
Quote:
It would not hurt to put yourself on that list, as well. I know that as the adult you know how much you do to keep the house running, but a lot of that is "invisible" to kids, and if they are already feeling aggravated about the time you spend away, it's easy for teens to think of themselves as comparatively overburdened and therefore act out passively through laziness.
Good point .
I don't completely agree, though, with folks who seem to be saying that the bf is not a high priority. After all, my main home on CD is the relationships forum .
It's tough to balance all this stuff. But having your kids see you in a healthy relationship is extremely important for their development. You don't want to inadvertently teach them that it's ok to treat sweeties badly or as disposable.... or to accept such treatment. And the same with pets.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
.
BUT later tonight we made beer bread, it came out pretty well.
