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I was out on a playdate with a mom I am not that close to but our kids are. She had moved recently and was telling me that once again her kids were squabbling and this time over which bedroom. She went on to say she wanted to give first choice to the oldest as this is normally how it's done. They were arguing over the room that is the sunniest/most cheerful looking.
She then told them to wait in time out to cool down in separate areas of the house. She then snuck to where the youngest was. She whispered to the youngest that the other room was better as it was closer to the parent's room and bathroom. Plus it will only be bright in the morning but dark the rest of the day/afternoon. The other room will be brighter more hours of the day. Let it be "their" secret. She brought her back to where the oldest was and asked "again" alright which room do each of you want? The youngest piped up excitedly that she wants the other room and the oldest looked surprised and then suspicious. The youngest blurted it out what the mom said and then the oldest was upset.
When the mom was telling me this, she was almost giggling at her cleverness and irritated that instead of her oldest being grateful, she was upset. She says this is how she always ensures the oldest gets "her" way and she should be grateful for it.
What do you think? It's slightly off to me. I don't think it's good for the oldest one to always feel like she "won" but at the same time, it seems underhanded to "trash" the winnings to make the younger one feel better. The age difference is 2 years old. (9 and 11)
And never will I ever tell the mother anything about this. It's her rules, her way of parenting etc. I was just thinking that on the surface it seemed like a clever idea but when thinking about it some more, it doesn't.
I don't see anything wrong with it. The oldest had her chance to pick any room she wanted. The youngest was made to feel good about the room the oldest didn't want in the first place. In my mind, it's a win-win. The only problem with this is the oldest kids attitude.
The easiest way I know to decide which child gets which room is to tell them as their parent which room is going to be the room they sleep in, like it or not.
If the bickering continues or any whining, I would then put them both in the same smaller room and use the bigger room as my sewing room.
To be an actual parent one has to actually be the adult and parent not use tactics they think are "clever". That is not being clever at all that is being deceiving and teaching them it is okay to be deceiving to get what they want.
The easiest way I know to decide which child gets which room is to tell them as their parent which room is going to be the room they sleep in, like it or not. If the bickering continues or any whining, I would then put them both in the same smaller room and use the bigger room as my sewing room.
To be an actual parent one has to actually be the adult and parent not use tactics they think are "clever". That is not being clever at all that is being deceiving and teaching them it is okay to be deceiving to get what they want.
Sounds like something I would do. You described what I was thinking but couldn't put words to it. Deceiving is how I see it. If you wanted to point out features etc of a choice, do it in front of them. Or if you were going to all along give first choice to the oldest, say it again out in the open.
I don't really see a huge issue with what she did. Both of the rooms have their good and bad points. Helping the youngest to see that while she got the "second choice" room, it still had its better points was a good way to build perspective. If a kid doesn't get into their first choice college, there's nothing wrong with talking up the great points of the second. Sometimes kids get so hyper-focused on "winning" the argument that they lose sight of what's really at stake. Sounds like both girls are a little pampered and like to bicker, and this is definitely a first world problem. I can kind of see the issue with having a secret from one or the other, but then the intent was to help the first get the choice they were going to get anyway, and to help the younger feel better about the room they were going to get anyway. All that was really lost was the oldest getting to feel superior about being the "winner" and lording that over her sister.
The fact that they were arguing and squabbling "again" is a testament to her terrible way of handling this.
It's a shame because the kids don't trust each other, and now the oldest knows she can't trust mom. Mom sharing her "secret" with the youngest proves she's too intimidated to parent.
I'm on board with what CSD said. Bickering kids dont deserve to choose.
I don't like it. Why does the older kid always get her way? I would be pointing out the benefits of both rooms and then doing a coin flip. When the next major contest happens, the loser of the coin flip will get 1st choice. Sounds like that Mom is teaching her kids to get their way via manipulation.
We raised 6 kids....5 adopted foreign born, one "homemade". Of all the life lessons we taught our kids, the first and formost is that "life is not always fair" but you can NOT let that stop you or make you feel any less driven towards your goals. You might be judged by the color of your skin, where you are from, or even the accent you speak with, but YOU have the ability to SELL YOURSELF regardless and prove them WRONG and help TEACH each and every person you deal with that we are ALL the same in regards to abilities....just some are more driven than others.
The reason the kids are always arguing is that the mom treats their life like a game. If she can be sneaky enough, she can manipulate them into doing what she wants without them having an argument. Then she wins. The problem with treating child-rearing like a game is that one child always ends up feeling like the loser. Sometimes, both end up feeling like that.
There's no way that you can change what that mom does. My mom treated me and my sister that way and sometimes she still does. My dad has dementia and my mom thinks it's funny to tell him he's agreed to things that he never would have agreed to...just more of her games.
Kudos to the mom for giving the kids a choice, since the kids are the ones who will have to live with the decision. I don't think the mom was manipulative at all. The oldest kid was fine with getting the bigger, brighter room until she found out her younger sister preferred the other one. Then she wasn't happy. I guess the bigger deal to the older sibling was she was going to get something the younger one wanted. I see nothing wrong with the mom helping the younger one (who didn't get first choice) be happy with the room the older sister didn't want. Maybe the "it's our secret" could have been eliminated, but other than that, I see no problem at all.
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You described what I was thinking but couldn't put words to it. Deceiving is how I see it. If you wanted to point out features etc of a choice, do it in front of them. Or if you were going to all along give first choice to the oldest, say it again out in the open.
