I need advice on my son (teens, divorced, parents, play)

[Dad needs help]

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[SIZE=3]Hey guys, I’m new here. I’m asking for some expert neutral advice.It’s a long story that’s recently, in the last 2 months, that has come to ahead. I am a divorced father, 3 years now. The last 2 years of our marriage wasless than desirable with separation, fights and constant talks of divorce. Atoll on the kids more than anything. During the last 5 years, I have beendating a woman who I immediately fell in love with. It has to be love becausewe still live 1800 miles away and we’ve been able to make it work. The distanceis our only issues. Since the divorce, I have had my son during the usual everyother weekend. We played, watched movies, taken road trips to the beach, he hasbecome my best friend. He is 13 now. It had been brought to my attention, in anote from my son, that he doesn’t want me to meet, speak of or marry thiswoman. I was planning a trip, but canceled it with his feelings inconsideration. He has since block my phone calls and does not respond to any ofmy text. I’ll text him periodically throughout the day to tell him I love him. Hehas not wanted to stay with me for 2 months now. His mother, my ex, relaysmessages from him to me. Mainly what he tells her about his feelings. He thinksI gave up on the family, thinks of me as a wimp. He also blames my girlfriendfor the divorce. Which is not true, but to him it very much is. Now he has givenme an ultimatum, either her or him. He doesn’t want anything to do with her, orme if it includes her. I need help bad. I love this woman more than life but I cannotlive without my son. He won’t talk to me, so discussing the situation with himwill not happen. I need advice, please. From one parent to another.[/SIZE]
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[stan4]

Pick your son.

You owe him that after all you two put him through.

[CSD610]

Group counseling for you, your son and his mother.
Individual counseling for you.
Individual counseling for your son.

You cannot allow your child to control your life with his emotions. It is something he will have to work out for himself and accept that you and his Mother are not going to get back together. The counseling will help him with that.
Are you and his Mother civil with each other? If so, have a talk with her and see if both of you can work out something in regards to his feelings, the counseling and getting this situation worked out where it is acceptable for all involved.

[Mattie]

You don't need help with your son, you need help with your priorities. First of all, a 13 yr old should not be put in the position of being his father's best friend. He is a child, you are an adult. It's great that you want to spend time with him, but I get the feeling he doesn't trust you right now, which is not unusual in a divorce situation. Do not use him as a confidant.

You are entitled to a private life, and happiness too, but not at his expense, at least, not at this point. You have been dating this woman for 5 years, and divorced for 3? That makes you a cheater, and cheaters don't deserve the trust of those cheated on. I know a man in the same position as you, except he went ahead and recently married the woman he was having an affair with. Now his teens want nothing to do with him.

Suck it up, and continue reaching out to your son. If this woman loves you, she'll wait.

[Dad needs help]

When it comes to our son, yes we are civil. We do at timeshave heated discussions at times but we both attempt to set that aside and comeback to more open discussions. I’ve suggested counseling but the response I gotwas negative. Her response was that I only wanted the counseling so that ourson could be talked into accepting a relationship I have with a woman who brokeup the family. I was not surprised by this response because she didn’t want togo to marriage counseling years before we talked about divorce.

I want to choose my son over all else, but I am also verymuch in love and her with me. If I let her go, I will feel like I have lost myone true love. Can’t there be a between somewhere? Can’t I have a relationshipand a son? I don’t want to lose either one. I love my son but I don’t want himto think that because it might not be what he wants, we both need to beaccepting of how the other feels.

[CSD610]

You really need to do something about all the font information in your posts.

Honestly, if you wait for your son and his Mother to accept the fact that you have moved on and have a new relationship you will be waiting until you die.

They will never fully accept it so it is your choice what to do to minimize any further "damage" and I even dislike using the word damage.

[Mattie]

At some point, maybe you can have both. But, you can't force your son into accepting it now. So, be patient, and hope she is too.

[Dad needs help]

Mattie, Irespect your thoughts. I don't use my son as a confidant. His mother confides her feelings in him, which is where I believe this is stinting from. When we are together we play and do "guy" things. Which is what I mean as far asbeing my best friend. Yes my girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years.However, the last 2 of my marriage, we were separated and living in separateparts of the house. We were trying a co-parenting until the divorce was final.I'm not saying it was a good choice, but my ex and I tried it. What gets me,and why I'm a bit blind sided, is why after all this time my son shut me outfrom one day to the next. With a note, no discussion?

[Mattie]

I don't think it's a reach here to think he's acting out of loyalty to his mother. I think the best course of action is to put your romantic relationship on the back burner for a while, and keep reaching out to your son. He's got a lot of feelings to sort through.

[Athair]

Facebook stalk him - isn't that where parents learn about what their kids really think?!

;-)