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Most of my generation left home at 18 … I certainly did. Couldn't wait to get out. And my daughter also moved out at 18. It doesn't mean that you end up a failure. I certainly didn't and my daughter is doing just fine.
But, as I read the OP's posts, I really think that she - and most probably her husband - have a serious parenting issue. The fact that they are surprised that the 18 year old has moved out suggests that they were neither listening nor communicating with her. When my daughter moved out,I knew exactly what she intended and had known for some time. I worked with her to make it a success. Kids do grow up and, sooner or later, they will fly the nest.
As to the 15 year old …. having her arrested? Seriously? 15 years olds mess up and 15 years try stuff out. Getting a criminal record isn't the solution to that. But it is a great way of alienating the 15 year old. Makes you wonder what the parents did to alienate the 18 year old.
Moving out at 18 is quite different if you're working and can support yourself financially. My sister moved out at age 18 -- but she had a job, she paid for her apartment herself, paid her own car insurance for a car she had already bought in her own name.
In the OP's daughter's case, she's not working, she's now financially dependent on her boyfriend and his parents. Nothing independent or mature about her decision. I think the best thing for her parents now is to let her live and the other party live with their decision. Let them buy her clothes, pay for her car, pay for her college and everything else. Or she'll have to get a job.
I agree, let the 18 yr old try life on her own, but leave the lines of communication, and the door open.
As for the 15 yr old, if it had just been underage drinking, chances are she would have gotten community service with her record sealed upon completion. Mouthing off to an officer upped that ante, unfortunately. A lawyer can advise you on various scenarios, but a good one can still help keep it off her permanent record.
Moving out at 18 is quite different if you're working and can support yourself financially. My sister moved out at age 18 -- but she had a job, she paid for her apartment herself, paid her own car insurance for a car she had already bought in her own name.
In the OP's daughter's case, she's not working, she's now financially dependent on her boyfriend and his parents. Nothing independent or mature about her decision. I think the best thing for her parents now is to let her live and the other party live with their decision. Let them buy her clothes, pay for her car, pay for her college and everything else. Or she'll have to get a job.
Whether it is a good idea or a bad idea is not really relevant. The problem here is that you have a parenting failure. The OP is 'surprised'. How can she be surprised? Was there any communication? What have the parents done that this seems like a better solution?
And is cutting the kid off a constructive way to resolve the OP's concerns about the 18 year old finishing school or not getting pregnant? Instead, maybe she should be figuring out how to reopen lines of communication and how to repair any damage that has been caused by the parenting failure. And I strongly suspect that keeping the father out of the picture might help the OP in that endeavor.
My 18 yo moved in with her boyfriend. I am beside myself. This is such a mistake. I cannot believe his parents allowed her to move in with him in their house. She's going go the local community college and doesn't even have a job. I'm so afraid she won't finish school now. I can see her falling into the trap of getting pregnant thinking someone will take care of her. Her boyfriend is lucky to get 30 hours a week in. This is a disaster waiting to happen. What the hell is wrong with his parents?
On top of this, dd#2 (15) came home drunk from a party on Saturday and dh got the bright idea to run her into the police station where she was arrested and we now have to go to court. So she's a basket case. She keeps crying that she's a cheerleader and an honor student and shouldn't be going to court and about what ****ty parents she has and how her friends can tell their parents about parties and she has to lie....
I just want to sit down and cry.
I feel like a total failure as a mother right now. How did things get this screwed up?
Ivory, I'm so sorry - you must be terribly overwhelmed right now.
Can you take a benedryl or something and just try to get some sleep?
Things always look better after a good sleep.
None of this is the end of the world - and try to remember, NOBODY HAS DIED - meaning, just breathe - this is all fixable.
Whether it is a good idea or a bad idea is not really relevant. The problem here is that you have a parenting failure. The OP is 'surprised'. How can she be surprised? Was there any communication? What have the parents done that this seems like a better solution?
And is cutting the kid off a constructive way to resolve the OP's concerns about the 18 year old finishing school or not getting pregnant? Instead, maybe she should be figuring out how to reopen lines of communication and how to repair any damage that has been caused by the parenting failure. And I strongly suspect that keeping the father out of the picture might help the OP in that endeavor.
Kids can surprise you.
Kids can also be in the wrong. Part of growing up is making mistakes and learning to live with the consequences of those mistakes. Once a child moves away from the parents' home, they should no longer expect parents' money. The age 18 thing works both ways.
We don't know enough to condemn the father. Most likely the girl was unrepentent about coming home drunk and snotty about breaking the law and he's given her a wake-up call. Either you tolerate drinking or you don't --- this father didn't. And if the worst thing that happens is she can't drive a car at age 16, it's not bad -- I wouldn't allow a drinking 15 year old to drive anyway.
I'm worried about the relationship that the 15 year-old will have with her father. I'm just putting myself in her shoes. I'd probably never forgive him. If she's such a good kid, and she messed up; then why did he have to go to this extreme? And I'd probably be pissed at you, too, for 1) not stopping him and 2) supporting his decision. I think that there's a better way to deal with this. I'd never call the cops on my family unless they hurt someone else (i.e. murder, burglary, assault, etc.). Try to have her record expunged.
As far as the 18 year-old, get her on some birth control and encourage her to get a job. Just talk with her and let her know that you're happy that she wants to be independent, but you want her to finish school and not get knocked up.
1. The 18 year old. She can make whatever decisions she wants for how she wants to live her life. I know you're disappointed that she's made what you consider to be a horrendous mistake. However, if she's old enough to move out and rejects any and all advice, I'd say that she's declared her independence and you are off the hook for financing what you consider to be a major error. As malamute says, "the age 18 thing works both ways." Either way, it sounds like it will be a big wake-up call for her. Have you had a chance to talk to his parents, privately? It would be instructive, I think, to get a reading on how they feel about this. Are they expecting her to pay rent? Are they helping her with college costs?
2. I don't think I would have taken the 15 year old to the police station, although I can appreciate the anger and the concern that precipitated it. If it had been my daughter, you can be damn sure that her life would have had far fewer options until she demonstrated some maturity and judgement. Cheerleading? Off the squad. Parties? Oh, I don't think so, not for another few months. Learner's permit? Oh, you have GOT to be kidding! She has so little respect for the law that you are going to give her the keys to a CAR? So what if she's taking 4 AP classes? The simple fact of the matter is that she cannot be trusted to make good decisions, and until she can demonstrate some maturity, her ability to make decisions is severely curtailed. Decisions have consequences, and those that say that she was "only" drinking miss the point.
Dd#2 is another mess. I'm so mad at myself for not stopping dh from taking her to the police station but I really didn't think anything would happen. I thought they'd think it was a joke that a father was bringing his daughter in or that he'd turn around before he got there.
I'm worried about the relationship that the 15 year-old will have with her father. I'm just putting myself in her shoes. I'd probably never forgive him. If she's such a good kid, and she messed up; then why did he have to go to this extreme? And I'd probably be pissed at you, too, for 1) not stopping him and 2) supporting his decision. I think that there's a better way to deal with this. I'd never call the cops on my family unless they hurt someone else (i.e. murder, burglary, assault, etc.). Try to have her record expunged.
As far as the 18 year-old, get her on some birth control and encourage her to get a job. Just talk with her and let her know that you're happy that she wants to be independent, but you want her to finish school and not get knocked up.
Good luck!
The reason I don't condemn the dad at all is because there is absolutely no way I would have come home drunk. I always had the idea in my head that certain things would make my dad freak out or flip out or worse. Not that I ever once saw my dad freak or flip out -- but there were certain things you just would not want to chance when it came to the non-negotiable rules.
Far worse things can happen to a drunken 15 year old girl than her dad getting tough with her. Read about the rapes of passed out 15 year old girls, girls that wake up naked and sore in some basement where a party took place and they were the entertainment. Or the kids that drive drunk and are killed or maimed in car wrecks. A mad dad is nothing compared with what can happen.
A second criminal offense is what will hurt her, the first offense won't have that much lasting effect.
My 18 yo moved in with her boyfriend. I am beside myself. This is such a mistake. I cannot believe his parents allowed her to move in with him in their house. She's going go the local community college and doesn't even have a job. I'm so afraid she won't finish school now. I can see her falling into the trap of getting pregnant thinking someone will take care of her. Her boyfriend is lucky to get 30 hours a week in. This is a disaster waiting to happen. What the hell is wrong with his parents?
On top of this, dd#2 (15) came home drunk from a party on Saturday and dh got the bright idea to run her into the police station where she was arrested and we now have to go to court. So she's a basket case. She keeps crying that she's a cheerleader and an honor student and shouldn't be going to court and about what ****ty parents she has and how her friends can tell their parents about parties and she has to lie....
I just want to sit down and cry.
I feel like a total failure as a mother right now. How did things get this screwed up?
Yes, because obviously, we all know what DD #2 means. In terms of the daughter that moved out, she's an adult and that's her decision. You'd likely do better to support her. There's not much you can do about it now.
You might want to go and look at divorce rates. Those of actual high school sweethearts are pretty crazy low. They're in love and want to be together. Support her and be there for her with her school and work. Be a resource for her, but you have to respect her decision.
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How did things get this screwed up?
You are kidding 
Right?