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I agree with Zimbochick and Joe on this case. First of all, I honestly cannot believe the 15 year old came home so drunk with seemingly no fear of consequences. Most teens I know would be too scared to come home in that condition. The fact that she let herself get to that state tells me that she didn't think her parents would take her misbehavior seriously. She probably thought this because of the parents' handling of previous drinking episodes. If you acted like those were no big deal, that gave her free range in her eyes to be more stupid. Many kids do stupid things, but most good teens at least know on some level they are being dumb, and they could get in serious trouble for these actions. This is instilled in them by their parents. I am not so sure this was instilled in this teen.
Secondly, I cannot believe how much the OP is targeting her husband rather than her dd. The dd has a problem, and the husband was trying to handle it. Sometimes parents may not always handle things in the best way in the heat of the moment. He tried though, and if you would back him, that would send the dd the much-needed message that getting insanely drunk at age 15 is not acceptable. In the big picture, who cares about cheerleading? That is not even remotely as important as your dd's health, the health of others she could harm in her drunkenness, and your marriage. There are some serious priority issues here.
Of all the things the parents could "do", that is the last I would recommend. It's extremely likely this relationship with the guy will end, sooner or later. She's only 18. How many of us are with partners we had at 18? She needs her education. I'm not sure what I would do, maybe take away the car if it's not in her name. Maybe a lot of things, but not that. What will she do then? If lucky, maybe get a job in fast-food or retail. Keeping her in school would be the best option, IMO. It's hardly surprising that an 18 yo is acting immaturely and not planning ahead.
If you have no experience with this kind of situation, you really should not be giving advice.
You are the one who seems to think your daughter's life is over. I made the suggestion of a private cheer school, of which there seem to be many out here in CO. I would probably make her sit out cheer for a while, though, if it were my child. There are other scholarships out there. Others have talked of working with people who got government clearances although having similar convictions. She is a minor! I'm no attorney, but IIRC, most charges against minors don't even "count" once they have reached adulthood.
You really need to quit giving legal advice.
See above. The lawyer can tell her what she should do.
I don't know why you're blasting me --- I never said NOT to have a lawyer, I am definitely in agreement about having a lawyer to have legal advicel. NEVER ONCE did I give legal advice.
This is where you need to shut your mouth. Even if this is how you feel, just stop talking and let the girl stew for a bit. Don't apologize to her for consequences she is going through for something she alone did.
First, he shouldn't apologize. If he does, he'll look weak and stupid. Second, it only "blew up" in his face because your daughter went from being merely stupid to being one dumb princess. It's her fault. Your husband gets that; you do not. I feel for him.
This paragraph confirms what I pretty much suspected. You keep score at a game called "I'm Right; He's Wrong." You care more about being right in your own mind that what is best for your "dear daughters." even with the serious crap your 15 year old is putting the family through, you're as concerned with you being right and your "DH" being wrong as anything.
You are failing your daughters by doing this!
Yes I think Joe has good advice. I can see that it's an emotional time right now for the OP --- both daughters are causing her grief and there very likely are divisions between the parents that were there before this. I think it might be best for the OP to just tell the husband and daughter that this is their issue, she's out.
Don't take her side, don't pity her. Find other things to do, it sounds like the husband has a lawyer for this case. At least that way the daughter gets one consistent approach, and turning on the tears and playing the victim will stop working for her. It would be best if the parents could present a united front, stop allowing her to play one against the other but it seems that might not be possible for whatever reason here so instead it would be best to just have one parent back out and let the other one handle it.
Enabling is saying drunks aren't responsible for what they do when drunk. Ridiculous!
I don't believe they are. What they are responsible for is the decision to drink which led to getting drunk. Dd is responsible for the drinking but I don't think she was in any state of mind to be responsible for her own thoughts and actions at the police station. Add anger to alcohol and you have a volatile mixture. The sober person in the mix should know that and not push it. I blame dd for drinking and that is something to be dealt with. Had she been sober at the police station, I'd blame her for that too but she wasn't. She's 15. Her lack of experience is showing here. An experienced adult might have acted differently but she's an inexperienced child. Yes, she was stupid to drink in the first place but her father was more stupid to take her to the police. You have to know the police will not help in a situation like this. The really stupid thing is he knows the police don't help. Lord knows we asked over and over for help with dss#1 and all we ever got was slapped in the face for failing to control him. I remember the first time he finally got arrested for what he was doing. Dh told them to keep him over night to teach him a lesson (he was 14 and had been arrested for B&E) and was told that if we did not come pick him up right then and there they would file abandonment charges against us. He KNOWS the police don't help. But he did it anyway.
And before anyone jumps on the bad parenting band wagon, if you read my old posts you'll find that dss#1 was diagnosed as a non violent psychopath (he doesn't have a conscience) most likely stemming from his mother trying to kill him when he was a baby. His last memories of his biological mother were of her grabbing him by the collar, slamming him against the wall and screaming "I Hate you. I wish you'd never been born." He was 5 and the court gave her custody of his brother because they felt it would push her over the edge to take him away from her. We've been through the legal system before and know there is no help for families to be found there. Why dh thought for one nanosecond the police would help is beyond me. He should know better after all we've been through.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 11-10-2013 at 02:30 PM..
I don't believe they are. What they are responsible for is the decision to drink which led to getting drunk. Dd is responsible for the drinking but I don't think she was in any state of mind to be responsible for her own thoughts and actions at the police station. Add anger to alcohol and you have a volatile mixture. The sober person in the mix should know that and not push it. I blame dd for drinking and that is something to be dealt with. Had she been sober at the police station, I'd blame her for that too but she wasn't. She's 15. Her lack of experience is showing here. An experienced adult might have acted differently but she's an inexperienced child. Yes, she was stupid to drink in the first place but her father was more stupid to take her to the police. You have to know the police will not help in a situation like this. The really stupid thing is he knows the police don't help. Lord knows we asked over and over for help with dss#1 and all we ever got was slapped in the face for failing to control him. I remember the first time he finally got arrested for what he was doing. Dh told them to keep him over night to teach him a lesson (he was 14 and had been arrested for B&E) and was told that if we did not come pick him up right then and there they would file abandonment charges against us. He KNOWS the police don't help. But he did it anyway.
And before anyone jumps on the bad parenting band wagon, if you read my old posts you'll find that dss#1 was diagnosed as a non violent psychopath (he doesn't have a conscience) most likely stemming from his mother trying to kill him when he was a baby. His last memories of his biological mother were of her grabbing him by the collar, slamming him against the wall and screaming "I Hate you. I wish you'd never been born." He was 5 and the court gave her custody of his brother because they felt it would push her over the edge to take him away from her. We've been through the legal system before and know there is no help for families to be found there. Why dh thought for one nanosecond the police would help is beyond me. He should know better after all we've been through.
Is your daughter still under a psychiatrists care, if I recall one of them was. What does s/he have to say?
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