Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ivory, you can keep your daughter home from all the parties in the world, but until you keep her away from the person/people supplying a 15-year old with alcohol, she will still be exposed to the problem and will probably keep drinking.
According to the parents of the house where the party was, DD15 brought the alcohol with her. Maybe they're lying to protect themselves legally. Maybe DD15 really did bring it with her. Her father drinks. Maybe Ivory does too. She could have gotten it from home.
I believe Ivory mentioned earlier in the thread that besides the frequenting of attending parties where there was drinking - they "found a bottle"...I'm wondering if that bottle was found in her room? Which might actually support the hosts response that DD15 brought it herself. Kids get alcohol from all kinds of places - it may or may not have been intentionally supplied by an adult/parent. Older kids in HS have fake IDs, kids steal from their parent's liquor cabinets....While I agree it's something that ought to be looked into by the OP, the focus needs to be on getting DD15 help and education. And in particular finding out what is going to give her the wake up call she needs. Because being arrested didn't apparently do it.
ETA a teen keeping a bottle in their room is not "only" having a drink or two at the occasional party. Another red flag here. A HUGE one.
Last edited by maciesmom; 11-11-2013 at 04:42 PM..
According to the parents of the house where the party was, DD15 brought the alcohol with her. Maybe they're lying to protect themselves legally. Maybe DD15 really did bring it with her. Her father drinks. Maybe Ivory does too. She could have gotten it from home.
Thanks, I missed that.
If her daughter is the one bringing the alcohol, then IMHO, that is another huge red flag.
And I do think dh was wrong to take her in. Nothing anyone has posted here has changed my mind on that. I think a father hauling his child into the police is a last ditch effort after you've tried everything else when we'd hardly tried anything because this is a new issue. His knee jerk response and I'm gonna show her attitude is why we're here. Yes dd shouldn't have been drinking but two wrongs have never made a right. Her excuse is she was drunk. What's his? Unfortunately, I'm also sitting here excuseless for not stopping him. I pulled a Dr. Phil and shoudln't have. Go ahead..."How's that working for ya?". Neither of us thought we were putting her future on the line that night..
What's done is done and it may be best to move on instead of holding anger against your ex. I know it isn't easy to let it go but it may help this situation be resolved quicker.
I used to live in state where and all underage drinkers received a MIC (minors in consumption) ticket. Imo, it's a great program where the kids are held responsible for drinking. After paying a fine, they have to attend a class for a day, do 20-25 hrs of community service and keep a clean record for a few months. Their record will be erased after they complete these tasks. This program has been helpful to many young kids.
I used to live in state where and all underage drinkers received a MIC (minors in consumption) ticket. Imo, it's a great program where the kids are held responsible for drinking. After paying a fine, they have to attend a class for a day, do 20-25 hrs of community service and keep a clean record for a few months. Their record will be erased after they complete these tasks. This program has been helpful to many young kids.
I don't believe it was a MIC, her daughter shoved a cop.
I have experience too. Dd#2 is the fourth teenager I've raised. I also work with teens all day long. Certain things are typical for teens to try and drinking is one of them. I just don't see this as the red flag so many are throwing up. Dd's lawyer told her that he got drunk several times as a teen and still made it into and through law school. This is not a sign of the end of the world. It's something to be dealt with but not a sign that I'm a bad parent or that dd is on the path to hell.
And I do think dh was wrong to take her in. Nothing anyone has posted here has changed my mind on that. I think a father hauling his child into the police is a last ditch effort after you've tried everything else when we'd hardly tried anything because this is a new issue. His knee jerk response and I'm gonna show her attitude is why we're here. Yes dd shouldn't have been drinking but two wrongs have never made a right. Her excuse is she was drunk. What's his? Unfortunately, I'm also sitting here excuseless for not stopping him. I pulled a Dr. Phil and shoudln't have. Go ahead..."How's that working for ya?". Neither of us thought we were putting her future on the line that night.
Still, it is what it is and what's done is done. All that is left is to clean up the mess. That's what we're trying to do. I will never agree that dh did the right thing here but that doesn't matter now. What matters is dealing with the situation and figuring out how to have a positive outcome. If this costs dd everything she loves, I can see her rebelling big time and I don't want that. I'm not sure what is going to happen. One person tells me she'll get a slap on the wrist and the next tells me she won't be able to get a job 10 years from now. This is my dd. I'm not leaving this one to chance.
And cue the eyeroll. Yes, you've had a hand in raising 4 kids. How is your relationship with the stepsons? It was problematic in the past. If it's better now, they could be a source of guidance for your daughters.
Your daughter's drinking is not a new issue. It is a repeated problem, and grounding her didn't stop it. Perhaps your husband's response was knee-jerk. But that doesn't mean it wasn't done in a sincere attempt to get through to your 15 yr old.
Better she lose what she loves now, than you lose somebody you love down the road.
My 18 yo moved in with her boyfriend. I am beside myself. This is such a mistake. I cannot believe his parents allowed her to move in with him in their house. She's going go the local community college and doesn't even have a job. I'm so afraid she won't finish school now. I can see her falling into the trap of getting pregnant thinking someone will take care of her. Her boyfriend is lucky to get 30 hours a week in. This is a disaster waiting to happen. What the hell is wrong with his parents?
On top of this, dd#2 (15) came home drunk from a party on Saturday and dh got the bright idea to run her into the police station where she was arrested and we now have to go to court. So she's a basket case. She keeps crying that she's a cheerleader and an honor student and shouldn't be going to court and about what ****ty parents she has and how her friends can tell their parents about parties and she has to lie....
I just want to sit down and cry.
I feel like a total failure as a mother right now. How did things get this screwed up?
OK. First thing, DON'T PANIC!
There. That was easy to say, wasn't it?
Long time ago I had lunch with a client and his daughter. She had run away with a biker after high school. Then she came to her senses and came home. Thing is, she was laughing about how stupid she was! I thought that was cool. She was going to college and met us between classes.
The Punkin will be just fine. You and I both know she has taken off down a dead end road. You have to know that; she will not spend the rest of her life living with someone at his parents' house. So it'll end. In the meantime your most important job is to do what you can to make sure she doesn't get pregnant. So do what you can.
So let's plan for the end. Unless she has some kind of really good job, she will have to/want to come back home when it ends. She will be humiliated and maybe angry and a whole bunch of things. Now, frankly, I'm like your husband in that I'm going to want to choke the dickens out of her. But don't do that. Talk to Hubby in advance and get your attitudes in line. I wouldn't suggest punishing her, restricting her, and all that kind of stuff. Now if she misbehaves again it will be a different game, but for right now I think you should treat it as one colossal screw up, and nothing more.
I've seen more than one family recover from these things. And they are always the better for it.
Punkin #2. Like I said, your husband and I are a lot alike. I turned in a grandson for dealing drugs. But I didn't take him to the police station. I got the detective on the phone, gave him the kid's name and address and told the detective that if he could catch the kid I would testify. Kid sitting right there.
Haven't had any more problems. ....... Yet.
You've got the big wheels turning on this deal and you have no choice but to ride along wherever they take you. By now you have talked to an attorney, and he knows more than I do.
But as a parent, if my underage kid does any drinking she had better lie to me about it! Because there is no way in hell I am going to be one of those tolerant, cool parents. Never.
Yes, teens sometimes try drinking... Being drunk, belligerent, blacking out, shoving a police officer is not "something typical for teens to try" - not even once. IMO it is not "kids will be kids." Could it be that you are surrounded by H.S. teens (some of whom may have problems), in a social structure overly centered around "partying," married to someone with alcohol problems - that your environment has somehow skewed your sense of what is "typical teen behavior" for a 15 y.o.?
Yes, and this is what people have been trying to say. Many teens drink some, but it is not typical for them to drink that heavily. At least, it isn't typical here. If it's typical in Michigan than there is a serious problem there.
Still, it is what it is and what's done is done. All that is left is to clean up the mess. That's what we're trying to do. I will never agree that dh did the right thing here but that doesn't matter now. What matters is dealing with the situation and figuring out how to have a positive outcome. If this costs dd everything she loves, I can see her rebelling big time and I don't want that. I'm not sure what is going to happen. One person tells me she'll get a slap on the wrist and the next tells me she won't be able to get a job 10 years from now. This is my dd. I'm not leaving this one to chance.
What do you think she's doing right now?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I also work with teens all day long. Certain things are typical for teens to try and drinking is one of them. I just don't see this as the red flag so many are throwing up. Dd's lawyer told her that he got drunk several times as a teen and still made it into and through law school. This is not a sign of the end of the world. It's something to be dealt with but not a sign that I'm a bad parent or that dd is on the path to hell.
How did things get this screwed up?
