Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am not sure why every conversation has to use extremes to justify a position, as if everything is a zero sum game.
Quoted from your post: Has anyone suggested love?
And most importantly. STOP READING BOOKS AND TAKE THE TIME TO READ YOUR KID!
(please tell me that these aren't adopted children or that you adopted them later in life so that my prejudice against adopting mothers like my sister in law won't be reenforced... please)
You can take your own advice on that one, my response fit your extreme assumptions. As if the op doesn't "love" her child, that's a ridiculous assumption. Second, the op has nothing to do with upholding your view of adopting parents because your "sister in law's" actions are unfit. Does your sister in law represent all adoptive parents? That would be a "no" in case you're at a loss.
First the junk food issue. Junk food in moderation has never killed a kid.
I'm wondering if you've read the original post, she is allowed chips at lunch just not every meal. That is moderation. The father isn't dangling chips in front of the poor adoptive child while she gets grapes. And I don't think in reality you are being well meaning by suggesting chips don't kill kids. Snarky remarks, get snarky responses. I'm surprised you didn't expect it, or maybe you did.
Second, regarding school, I made a very constructive suggestion, i.e., sitting down and being INVOLVED in the child's school work is far more positive than giving a kid enough rope that YOU know that they are going to hang themselves with.
Again, you are insulting. How do expect to be taken seriously when accusing a parent of "hanging" their child purposely? I don't think you were trying to be helpful, you were trying to be hurtful. So, your constructive advice was clouded by your insults. Maybe you just threw in the advice to allow room for your outnumbered insults. Who could find advice in your post?
The really hysterical thing is that as soon as I posted my comment another member of this community informed me that my profile was right on the money! Amazed even me!
Yes, people like to talk crap, how it would surprise you, one who also likes to talk crap amazes even me!
How will making adoptive parents feel badly help the thousands of kids waiting to have at least a home and family instead of foster care? What are you doing to help kids with no home? Let me guess, absolutely nothing? Yes, so hysterical.
If someone has to keep reading books, watching TV and especially going on-line for advise, I have serious questions about just how well they actually know their child.
I'm sure you do as I can tell you feel you need no education on raising a child, you were born with the knowledge of being a great parent regardless of the fact that you can't distinguish the difference in knowing your child's personality, loving them and aiding your child over come obstacles you haven't experienced. I can see you don't value education yourself, how are you going to teach it's value to your kids?
I'll let you in on a little secret, educating yourself is very valuable in ALL areas. Teaching your child there is always room to learn, even if you think you know it all, isn't a bad thing to many people.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions not to mention the waiting room of child psychologist.
Not a surprise you don't value psychology or psychologist to me. If you did you'd had already learned holding prejudice against a group of people just because of one persons actions isn't beneficial, and catastrophizing a parents actions, is unhealthy.
The op isn't beating the child, nor locking them in a closet. They are simply trying to correct bad habits because they do love their child and want them to succeed for the sake of their own happiness. Nobody is a perfect parent, we are always learning. You are making this into something it isn't. If you think the road to hell is full of "good intentions" then I can see how your paranoid outlook clouds your judgement. Good luck with that.
Last edited by Jaded; 11-24-2013 at 11:28 PM..
Reason: fixed quote
I think her main problems stem from her learning disabilities and we are learning how to deal with that issue.
Do you discuss her problems with her pediatrician on a regular basis? How about a school counselor? Has there ever been a conversation with regard to the possibility of autism or Asberger's syndrome?
Interesting. others are warning about not over praising and you are concerned about no praising at all. Yes she is praised and I think we have reached a good balance.
Just this morning the 4 of us did a deep kitchen cleaning. Her task was to move all the things off the counters and clean the kitchen counters. She announced she was through and when I looked she had not done a good job. So I thought a minute and decided I could do it myself but she wouldn't learn anything. No. So I called her in (she was watching a show on the computer when her sister-an earned privilege --reward). I told her I appreciated how she had a positive attitude and I knew it was a pain to unplug the mixer and toaster and other things to remove them from the counter and how the surface in front of the appliances was very clean. Then I had her wipe her finger where the toaster oven had been and especially where the waffle maker was and she was surprised to see how sticky those surfaces were. (I spray the waffle iron and didn't realize how much residue had accumulated). I told her that crumbs and dust stick to the counter if not washed and this could eventually get in our food and since we have 4 pets there is alot of "yuck" in the air) She got the cloth under hot water again and scrubbed till it wasn't sticky anymore. I then told her "Great- I have been a good teacher and you have been a great student".
She and her sister get lots of personal and together attention. DH is semi retired and spends more time with his children than the average working father. Walks, shopping, library trips, reading, game playing, errands, chores--we all do them together. And forget about movies. This is a child who cannot stand the sensory overload of a movie. Suspense puts her in a panic. She covers her ears in public toilets and at the beach. I think the child would go into a coma if she were to see a 3D movie. She won't even watch movies with us at home. She excuses herself. Only thing movie wise she will watch is Shawn the Sheep but only after we asked her to try and she could leave if it was too uncomfortable.
I think her main problems stem from her learning disabilities and we are learning how to deal with that issue.
Thank you for your concern and response.
Yes, this has been a challenging thing for me as well. There is so much I've learned about my sons Tourettes. Movies are bad for him as well because he ticks a lot during them, has anxiety more than his siblings. Now we don't do the "family movies" we go outside and do active things instead. When he is active he doesn't tick as much and it's much more comfortable since he is very hyper from it.
It's been a learning experience for the whole family, we have all had to learn about it. Now that the other kids know he isn't being annoying purposely it's helped a lot. He isn't getting teased as much now. Some disabilities are difficult because they mimic "bad behavior", I guess this only makes sense to others with kids with these disabilities. It takes a lot of time to get detailed about which is defiant behavior and which is the disability. Kids will still be kids. And of course, you want them to have room to just be kids, like all kids.
The group cleaning is a great idea, IMO. Group cleaning is something we have just tried this year as I was getting exhausted trying to keep up a large household. It's really helped us to group clean. I didn't think it would be possible to enjoy cleaning with kids until we did it, especially the two older teens. At first they weren't happy, but after that they all agreed to do it and they actually got into it for a while. The best part is that I have time to do my own things now, and not just pick up after 6 people all the time. It was nice knowing they would all help out too, even if they complained at first. I now ignore most complaining. It's really helped lesson disagreements. I tell them if they have a real issue to come have a private talk with me instead.
I wanted to add that I believe kids need to overcome their problems. You still have the right to survive, like all others. That might mean a tougher road in some areas. But I think you are addressing this already, and making life easier on them isn't always the best thing. Life isn't always easy. Allowing them to get away with behavior now would only show them you don't think they can handle doing things the right way. That's not a helpful message, nor encouraging for them. I think some people don't understand the kind of message they give by over helping a child. I would stay on track and simply realize it takes time. Just keep it up long enough so that she learns it doesn't pay off and that she knows you think she is capable of everything her sibling are capable of. She can tell the truth, clean her bag and do her homework, it just might take more time but that's life. You have confidence in her, and this shows by what you expect of her. I think you should give it some more time to work.
Last edited by PoppySead; 11-24-2013 at 09:35 AM..
Reason: adding something else.
I think you are trying to control too many things and this may be about her rebelling and needing a little more freedom. That tends to happen around this age. I know you listed all the things she gets to choose... but come on... you are making her empty her bookbag out at your feet(?!) and dictating exactly what she gets for a snack. She's probably very resentful that she can't make some of the very basic choices her peers are getting to make.
I would decide which battles are worth fighting and let the others go, or find alternate solutions. If she keeps leaving rotten bananas in her bag, maybe she doesn't like bananas? Maybe you shouldn't pack them in her lunch. Maybe you should let her come to the store and pick out more things she wants for her lunch. If washing the lunchbox is a huge issue, could you reuse disposable bags from other sources for her lunches so she could throw them away? Or simply stop packing food that makes a mess?
I think being so micro-managey about what she eats for a snack goes too far with an eleven year old who isn't overweight. If her father gets the chips and eats the chips, they're in the house and I think it then becomes just another thing to control in her eyes. It has to stink for your daughter that she gets home and every little second of her time from what she can eat to how she empties her bag to what she does with her lunchbox to when she can see the dog to when she does homework is controlled. SOME of those things matter. The ones that don't? You need to ease up a little, IMHO.
Good advice I think.
Sometimes trying to control kids will bring out the passive-aggressive in them more than make them perfect children.
Accepting them for what they are and helping them be what they are meant can take more effort, you have to learn who your child is, and realize that your child isn't just some page in a book. Each child has his or her own favorite foods -- not all children will pick carrots for their very favorite. My grandfather loved junk foods, and he worked with my dad. My dad was going to sit him down one day when he brought doughnuts into work too many times that week and tell him that not only did he have doughnuts but he kept cookies and candies at his machine, and often brought over icecream shakes after work. He had his lecture all ready but then he realized he was going to be talking to an 82 year old man who never missed a day of work, was not overweight -- just the kind who could eat well and then eat extra also.
Some people can handle junk foods because their nutrition is fine, they have high metabolism and activity levels and can burn off the excess calories.
Do you discuss her problems with her pediatrician on a regular basis? How about a school counselor? Has there ever been a conversation with regard to the possibility of autism or Asberger's syndrome?
I've found little info or help with pediatrician and quite frankly didn't expect much. Yes we see the special education teacher, speech therapist, math tutor . all her teachers. She got the learning disabilities diagnosis only this year and quite frankly I think the school only did it to get me off their backs. I've been advocating for this child at every turn since she started school- actually before when she was 3 with a program called Babies Can't Wait in Ga.
No she is not autistic or on the spectrum at all. No problem with direct and prolonged eyecontact and her sense of humor is quite sharp. Sometimes she will get a zinger in which makes me drop my jaw. She gets a joke and gets sarcasm.
Just a short, meant-to-be practical suggestion from me: how about veggie chips? Sweet potato chips can be found in the health food section of most supermarkets, a high in "crunch" factor, taste great and actually have nutritious value. Switching to them might take this issue off the table (literally!), so you can focus on the other issues.
Since you feel her learning disability is a major issue have you looked into programs to help her with that? Have you worked with a therapist who can help you with better ways to approach her? If there is a reason mentally why she is having a hard time accomplishing certain tasks punishing her seems wrong to me. She possibly can't help certain not being able to do what is asked.
I am glad you give positive feedback to her and that you all do things together as a family. I do wonder if you are expecting too much such as cleaning under the toaster? Most kids would not think to do that. To me if she kept her room cleaned and in general that is more important. I also agree with the other suggestion about why not use a paper bag for lunch? Possibly get her involved in picking what she would like to eat in her lunch? Obviously there needs to be some guidelines but a choice of fruits so forth.
I still like the idea of a reward board I suggested and she can have chores and then can pick a little present if she accomplishes a certain amount of tasks.
In addition to a chores/allowance arrangement, we have had a lot of success changing certain behaviors or attitudes with a "caught being good" board. It's for the recognition of events that involve kindness or thoughtfulness to others as well as for making an effort, particularly when it involves doing something unasked or unprompted that we may have been working on improving, such as putting away laundry, emptying lunchbox and backpack, hanging up towels after a shower, emptying a wastebasket if they notice it's full, etc. It's always good for an extra 15 mins of screen time or a couple of dollars extra allowance or they can propose an alternative if there's something in particular they are wanting to do like a bike ride. We dish out only a couple a week - not so hard that they feel discouraged or defeated, but hard enough that it means something. It's motivating because they get rewarded for their effort, and, perhaps more importantly, they see that we notice that they are trying and that feels good to any kid. And that's really all you can ask of a child, that they try.
In a variation of the same theme, our 11 year old's teacher in 4th grade hosted a breakfast club once a month for all students who handed in every piece of homework by its due date, along with all slips that needed a parent's signature. They get invited to breakfast in their classroom where she cooks pancakes and waffles and parents bring along eggs, bagels, fruit, etc. It is remarkably motivating. Our son only missed the first one because he forgot a form that he had actually gotten me to sign, but had left behind. He was crushed, but it has never happened again (and we have looped with her into 5th). Our seemingly distracted son, who would frequently walk out the door with his shirt on backwards and inside out if I didn't catch him before he left, suddenly was able to be reasonably methodical and organized about homework. Neat and tidy, no not yet, but consistent in meeting his school responsibilities, yes, and that's what matters most at the moment. Maybe you could modify a similar system for use at home, using a shorter timeframe e.g., if she gets all her homework done and handed in each week, you go get a frozen yogurt with her on Saturday, and if she gets it all in for a month, you take her to breakfast, or lunch, or to something else that will make her feel special.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It was nice knowing they would all help out too, even if they complained at first. I now ignore most complaining. It's really helped lesson disagreements. I tell them if they have a real issue to come have a private talk with me instead.