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Good gosh, leave the poor kid alone. I was a loner in high school and a loner as an adult. People have proven to be nothing but disappointments and hassles, so for some of us, no friends are a much better option.
One of the things that I didn't hear in your OP was how your son feels about his peer relationships. Does he express sadness at not having a friend(s). While he may be introverted, as some suggested, even introverts can properly develop and maintain relationships with others. Some kids do not read social cues well and behave in a manner that annoys or repels potential friends, even though that is the opposite of what is desired.
At 12 years old, I am thinking that he may be in middle school or junior high school. These larger school settings can be a challenge for children who are less socially skilled. If he is still struggling, it may be appropriate to speak with his pediatrician about it, as well as the school adjustment counselor. There may be resources available to help him develop his appropriate social skills (if that is the issue).
My daughter, when very little, didn't really connect with other children. As she got older, she became less and less interested in attempting to connect with other children. By fourth grade, she was a determined loner. She was highly functional, so I put her into lots of sports (basketball, soccer, softball, swimming, field hockey), hoping that she would benefit from being around groups of kids and maybe make a friend. She also took art classes, music lessons, and studied a foreign language privately.
She enjoyed the physical activity, but never connected with any of the kids. Along the way, I would invite one or another little girl over to play. I usually ended up entertaining the playdate girl myself while my daughter went off and played alone. Eventually she grew too old for me to keep supplying playdates for her.
By middle school, when I was pressing her about inviting a friend over, she told me that she wasn't interested in any of the other kids at school. Not to talk to, not to play with, not to make friends with. I questioned her and her teachers about any bullying that might be going on, but there was none of that. She was just detached from and disinterested in interacting with the other children.
Her refrain has always been that "all she wants is for everyone to leave her alone." Then she's happy. She has been in and out of counselor's offices, therapist's offices, psychologist's offices, and so on for a long time. Then finally, a recent diagnosis: she's definitely autistic. She masked it for a long time by being so high functioning, and by her willingness to interact with adults if she absolutely had to. The doctor at Seattle Children's Hospital Autism Center said that he didn't even think a confirming second opinion was necessary; he was 100% sure he was right. I paid over $1000 to an independent expert to confirm it anyway.
I can't understand why none of the professionals we consulted over the years ever looked into autism for her before. She's in high school now. Her being autistic didn't occur to me because the autistic children I had met were non-verbal, flapped their hands, and made strange noises when distressed.
My daughter doesn't do any of that. She is, however, profoundly uninterested in other people, and doesn't enjoy being around them. We don't know where to go from here to help her, because she has to want to change before anyone can help her. And she doesn't want to change.
Her refrain has always been that "all she wants is for everyone to leave her alone." Then she's happy. She has been in and out of counselor's offices, therapist's offices, psychologist's offices, and so on for a long time. Then finally, a recent diagnosis: she's definitely autistic. She masked it for a long time by being so high functioning, and by her willingness to interact with adults if she absolutely had to. The doctor at Seattle Children's Hospital Autism Center said that he didn't even think a confirming second opinion was necessary; he was 100% sure he was right. I paid over $1000 to an independent expert to confirm it anyway.
...She is, however, profoundly uninterested in other people, and doesn't enjoy being around them. We don't know where to go from here to help her, because she has to want to change before anyone can help her. And she doesn't want to change.
Why does she need to change? Since she's functioning via interacting with adults when necessary, it sounds like she'll be able to continue her education and have a career. She's happy being alone, and her happiness is all that matters. My girlfriend's husband is autistic. He's a very successful lawyer. The only reason their marriage of 30 years has survived is because my girlfriend understands, tolerates, and compensates for the loneliness of being married to someone who is autistic. He probably would be just as happy alone. Perhaps it was a marriage that shouldn't have been. He didn't know he was autistic. She didn't know it either. They were well into their marriage before she figured it out. Since they had children and a life together, my girlfriend made a commitment to stay in it for the long haul with eyes wide open. My point is that highly functioning autistic people can have very productive lives. They really only need help if they're not functioning and will have difficulty supporting themselves.
Why does she need to change? Since she's functioning via interacting with adults when necessary, it sounds like she'll be able to continue her education and have a career. She's happy being alone, and her happiness is all that matters. My girlfriend's husband is autistic. He's a very successful lawyer. The only reason their marriage of 30 years has survived is because my girlfriend understands, tolerates, and compensates for the loneliness of being married to someone who is autistic. He probably would be just as happy alone. Perhaps it was a marriage that shouldn't have been. He didn't know he was autistic. She didn't know it either. They were well into their marriage before she figured it out. Since they had children and a life together, my girlfriend made a commitment to stay in it for the long haul with eyes wide open. My point is that highly functioning autistic people can have very productive lives. They really only need help if they're not functioning and will have difficulty supporting themselves.
Exactly. If she is happy, then she is happy. She does not need to change.
Exactly. If she is happy, then she is happy. She does not need to change.
I will keep supporting her no matter what. Right now I'm trying to steer her toward a profession where she can work in solitude for long periods of time. Perhaps translator (written), academic researcher, or archivist.
Good luck to all other parents of socially awkward teens. It's an upsetting road when you were hoping that your child would find comfort during the difficult teen years from friends and some kind of social life.
I'm a single parent with a 13 year old son, he is what I would call socially awkward, he just seems to have trouble making friends, his main interest appears to be playing on his PSP, I've tried Karate, judo and Boys scouts , as well as an after school program, as a means of him making friends, nothing seems to take, I signed him up with a nice mentor program, that helped a little, my concern is that, as he enters his teens he doesn't have a support system to get him through the teasing and bullying at school,and he has been getting into fights, I tried telling him not to fight back and to report to a teacher, but that just made him more of a victim, then I suggested that he should fight back only to defend himself as a last resort, which he did, and he and the other children involved got suspended. I asked the school what their policy is on bullying, no one could give me a straight answer,I asked one of the teachers in charge of discipline to tell me off the record, what he thought the problem was, and he said some of the kids complain that my son is "annoying", he said he would try and get more details as to what they consider annoying, but I suspect that it's the way he approaches them to make friends, I'm so frustrated especially when I see what he's going through, my job involves me working long hours so I can't be available to drive him long distances to events.And I have no family members available to help on any level,so that's not an option. I just would really like some advice on how to deal with the situation,how can I help him make friends,what would be the best approach with the school ? Someone told me years ago that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, I am realizing how true that is now.
I suspected that common social wisdom doesn't apply to teens these days. I came across this book which concurs and bases its conclusions on studies. Teens have very particular social mores. For example, a big smile and "I'm John" can actually repel. The book goes on to offer more viable approaches. You might find it helpful.
I'm a single parent with a 13 year old son, he is what I would call socially awkward, he just seems to have trouble making friends, his main interest appears to be playing on his PSP, I've tried Karate, judo and Boys scouts , as well as an after school program, as a means of him making friends, nothing seems to take, I signed him up with a nice mentor program, that helped a little, my concern is that, as he enters his teens he doesn't have a support system to get him through the teasing and bullying at school,and he has been getting into fights, I tried telling him not to fight back and to report to a teacher, but that just made him more of a victim, then I suggested that he should fight back only to defend himself as a last resort, which he did, and he and the other children involved got suspended. I asked the school what their policy is on bullying, no one could give me a straight answer,I asked one of the teachers in charge of discipline to tell me off the record, what he thought the problem was, and he said some of the kids complain that my son is "annoying", he said he would try and get more details as to what they consider annoying, but I suspect that it's the way he approaches them to make friends, I'm so frustrated especially when I see what he's going through, my job involves me working long hours so I can't be available to drive him long distances to events.And I have no family members available to help on any level,so that's not an option. I just would really like some advice on how to deal with the situation,how can I help him make friends,what would be the best approach with the school ? Someone told me years ago that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child, I am realizing how true that is now.
Cool, so you've tried Karate, judo and boy scouts and an after school program AND a mentor program... what has HE tried?
Even more effective is telling a kid that's having punches flailed at him to NOT fight back.
Remarkable.
And you wonder why he's socially awkward when his mom is forcing him into crap he has no interest in.
Maybe when he's 21 he can finally think for himself.
Our daughter is 23 now. She has been a loner since the beginning. It probably didn't help that she was an only child. However, my husband and I are both loners as well. We each can only claim having a single best friend each. Mine was y college roommate and his was his lifelong childhood next door neighbor. In both cases we were thrown together with these people, having no choice but to get along.
Our daughter does not have a best friend. She has acquaintances, a few friends, but no best friend. She is also a poor judge of character in people. She is also a risk taker. She is a loner for the most part. She is also academically gifted. But she has no common sense.
At this point I'm not really sure how her life is going to go. She is finishing a masters degree in a field with few jobs and she does not have the skill to network. She may end up at Starbucks for the rest of her life. But what I do know is that everyone is unique, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert or autistic, and as long as she's happy I am not going to try to "fix" her.
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Exactly. If she is happy, then she is happy. She does not need to change.
